Post # 1
Ok, I don’t want to get flamed for this post but I am curious to know other opinions on this topic.
I am not an extremely maternal person so I may have a skewed version of reality when it comes to having children, I fully acknowledge that. I just simply do not understand how someone decides to have a child (seemingly) as simply as they decide to buy a goldfish. Is this more the norm than I realize???
I know “who cares what other people do” is probably going to be a common reaction, but I actually have a greatly strained friendship due to the way I reacted to her pregnancy and now I am wondering if I am abnormally conservative or something.
This friend bought a house and was very happy about it. She expressed to me that the only thing missing was a family – which I understand where she is coming from. Babies are popping up left and right in our circle of friends. She proceeded to date about 10 guys in the span of 2 years, each relationship ending terribly… so, she decides to intentionally get pregnant by the guy who cuts her lawn. She started sleeping with him and immediately got pregnant. When she told me I wasn’t ever sure whos it was, so instead of congratulating her right away I took some time to process it and then asked a few questions (whos, when, how?) Apparently that was rude and I didn’t seem genuinly happy for her, so now she is mad at me. Funny thing is, I wasn’t genuinly happy for her, I was weirded out. I still haven’t apologized… because what do I say? Sorry for how I feel?
I also have a cousin who was having a ton of marital trouble (mainly financial – because her husband can’t hold a job), so she had a third child and admitted to me she thought that would fix things. I think my jaw hit the floor.
It just boggles my mind that some people seem to totally disregard how large of a life decision having children is. It is to the point where I feel like I don’t even like them anymore, because when they have financial or marital problems and call me to discuss them I feel absolutely no sympathy for them and don’t even want to hear it. It’s not like I can say “well you shouldn’t have made those life choices” but sometimes I really want to. Like, badly.
I am often looked at as the odd one out in the group, because I am in zero rush for kids and am vocal about how I am leaning toward adoption if I ever decide to become a mom. Meanwhile, I think people who put absolutely no serious thought into big life decisions are the strange ones.
Is anyone with me on this?
This topic was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Anna113619.
Post # 2
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
I can’t say anything for your cousin, but your friend sounds like she knew exactly that she wanted a baby for a very long time (and did what she thought she had to to get one). She told you she wanted a family awhile ago, it’s clearly important to her, and since you’re not inside her mind, she was probably thinking about it WAY more than you know about. That’s not exactly just “suddenly deciding” to get pregnant. I can understand your hesitation about the way she went about becoming pregnant, but the actual decision on her part sounds pretty intentional and I do think you’re being a smidge judgemental.
Don’t get me wrong. I get it. I think A LOT about if I’m ready to become a mom someday. A lot. And I’m not even looking for it to happen any time soon, at least 4-5 years down the road. But the only person I talk to about it is my FI. I just don’t feel comfortable bringing it up around my family, and I doubt that will change. If I do decide to ever become pregnant, I’m not going to announce to the world all the fears and thoughts and questions that constantly plague my heart and head. Why would I? So yes, it might seem like a casual decision, that one day I just decided it was a good time to become pregnant, but the reality is no one knows everything I’ve thought about and been through to reach that point.
Post # 3
Anna113619: I agree with you. While DH and I do plan on having kids of our own, we aren’t rushing. We’re putting off TTC to make sure that we’re in the best place possible as far as our finances and me taking time off of work. We’ve really thought it through. It makes me sick when people don’t seem to have the same regard for reproducing. So irresponsible.
Your first friend sounds a little off…but I don’t know her, or her side of the story, so I’ll leave it at that lol. I, too, know a few people who are married/in a LTR and seriously thought that having a baby (or a 2nd or 3rd) would “fix” the relationship. Now they are as miserable as ever. Their spouses are miserable and their kids are miserable. I feel bad for the children.
Post # 4
TwinkleBoss: Some more relevant facts…she had just broken up with a guy that she was absolutely sure she wanted to marry a month before (she had just hosted a huge cookout for his family that I attended) and then she announced the pregnancy so I genuinly was confused as to whos child it was. She used to tell me the lawn boy was attractive but she couldn’t bring herself to date him because he wasn’t career or goal oriented… then BAM, he is now the father of her child.
I appreciate your input on the matter.
Post # 5
Some people take having a child like getting another pet. I am of the camp that if you and your partner don’t want a child 110% and are emotionally, physically, and financially ready for a child don’t have them.
Post # 6
Anna113619: I agree somewhat. I think it IS a big decision that a lot of people don’t think about entirely. And a lot of people do. I think it’s a societal “norm” to get married and have a family so I think people have that stuck in their heads. As well as the fact that there is an innate urge to procreate. It’s just “in” us. Well, not me, but a lot of other people. I don’t have kids either.
Post # 7
im with you, the way she went about it would definately make me speechless as well..
Im in no way ready for kids nor do I think I want them, just me but everyone says you’ll grow up get less selfish and want 5 kids by the time your 30. highly doubt it lol.
my gf has a strict plan on she wants her SO proposing in a year or so [ shes been waiting over 5] and wants to have 2-3 by the time shes 30 and become a SAHW/M And shes 25. She’s also always loved kids where I definately do not lol. maybe lil babies but thats it.
ive heard many a time that some ppl have kids to fix their relationship, i have NEVER understood that, cuz once the kids out the problems are still there no?
Post # 8
I want many furbabies as kids!
Post # 9
HaHa you sound like me we have two dogs that I love like children. My fiance said maybe next Christmas we can have a third.
I have all the babies I need
Post # 10
sway0060: um you better not tell me where you live cuz id scoop em up! lmao!!!!!
Such cute little bums! omg i just wana get in the middle of that! lol
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
Anna113619: I don’t have kids, and I’m pretty judgey about others with kids. Whoops. I think your friend is kind of dumb for setting out to do that, because 1) she obviously didn’t ask the lawn man if HE wanted kids and 2) now her child could potentially be brought up without a father.
I have cousins younger than me with multiple kids. They have said stupid things to me like, “What is the point of having spare bedrooms in your house if you don’t fill them with children.” <- really!?
I also have a friend who said that her marriage wouldn’t even last 3 months (um, why are you marrying him?) but 2 months later she’s pregnant. When I asked her why, she said it’s because, “I was always my parents’ favorite kid, but then my sister had kids and I don’t get any attention from our mom. So now I’m pregnant hoping my mom will pay attention to me.” WUT.
Post # 12
sway0060: adorable. I also have a dog, who as far as I’m concerned, is my son.
Post # 13
my SO thinks im nuts….lol im gettin a kitten for christmas, but truth is id love about 5 dogs and 3 cats in my house lol. im not allowed to ‘shop’ for kittens because he knows me well enough to know he’d come home to 12 kittens n 10 puppies and me in the middle playing with all of them lol
Post # 14
Anna113619: furbabies ARE children to us 🙂
Post # 15
FutureDrAtkins: that sounds all kinds of messed up!!!
go have kids because you have spare rooms that need to be filled.