Having major doubts – beautiful relationship but very little sex

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@MatrixDonna:  sex can be a very VERY important part of a relationship, and marriage. Especially if one person needs it and the other one doesn’t. 

I don’t have advice on how to fix the situation, but I can tell you that your feelings are justified in my opinion.  If you’re 4 years in and you’re feeling shitty about yourself, and you’re feeling unsatisfied it is not going to get better.  

Only you know if it’s important enough to you to leave, or if you can live with this forever.  It doesn’t really matter what the deal breaker is, if it’s a deal breaker for you.  Just know that ‘just sex’ can be reason enough, if it’s something that you need in your life.

Post # 4
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry that you are going throught all of this. That’s great both of you are trying and thats what a marriag is about. my question to you is do you love him enough for it to be only 1 or twice a month accept it for what he can give and make it work. I wish you the best furture you deserve

 

Post # 6
Member
865 posts
Busy bee

@MatrixDonna:  Has he always had a low sex drive?  Did some sort of stressor trigger the low sex drive and then it just became the normal?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this!  It’s really tough when things in the bedroom start stress you out 🙁

Post # 7
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve totally been in your shoes. It is so hard and it makes me hurt for you to read you are thinking of taking anti libido pills. It’s also a bit insulting that you were told to do other things to take your mind off it…. wanting to have sex on a regular basis is normal. You shouldn’t have to ignore your need. I wish I had some advice for you. 

Post # 9
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MatrixDonna:  my drive slowed down because I was breast feeding and hasn’t picked up since so it hasn’t been an issue for a good 7+ months. That’s not really helpful for you though :/ We talk about it and I try to not say ” let’s have sex” which is what I tend to do. I just initiate it or start by being physically close to him. He feels less pressure when I’m not constantly verbalizing it and is more willing to go along with it. A big issue for us is stress, being exhausted and his drinking. He’s stopped drinking so that has helped. He has lost weight too which also helps. 

Post # 10
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MatrixDonna:  

You are not selfish for wanting to have a more sexual relationship.

Sex is very important to me and there is no way I could marry a man who couldn’t kiss me a lot or only wanted sex every two or three weeks. I am not saying that you are wrong for accepting that. I am only talking about my own standards.

I don’t agree with your therapist. Why should you have to distract yourself from wanting sex? That’s ridiculous.

Have you ever explored the possibility that your fiance may not be straight? I know that is a hard pill to swallow and I am not poking fun. One of my dear friends is a gay man. When he was engaged to a woman, they rarely had sex because he didn’t want to have sex with a woman. 

Post # 14
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MatrixDonna:  i am sorry you are dealing with this.  i believe that sex and intimacy is a very important part of a relationship. 

you say that you don’t have sex that often but how is it when you do have it?  is it enjoyable and satisfying and worth the wait? 

what about his level of intimacy?  i’m not just talking about sex or penetration but how is he with the touching?  holding hands, snuggling, kisses on the neck, those little things?  is he passionate?  sometimes this is enough.  for me, my dh and i don’t have sex every day like we used to but he certainly touches me every day.

i do understand what you are dealing with.  i was once with a man who did not share my libido.  it is a very difficult situation.  all of the emotions that this stirs up inside you can be very unhealthy.  let’s face it, who wants to feel rejection on a daily basis and constantly asking for sex sounds pretty desperate after awhile.  plus, having sex with someone who clearly is doing it out of obligation has much to be desired.  your self-esteem is completely diminished.  you feel useless and unwanted.  you will start to resent him and then comes the emotional disconnect.  it’s the only way your emotions will allow you to cope.

do yourselves a favour.  sit down and really talk about how this is making you both feel. 

it was difficult to make my ex understand how all of this was making me feel.  i finally figured out a way to get through to him.  we ranked ourselves and each other on a libido scale 1-10 (1 being the lowest) and then discussed it.  we both agreed that i was around 9 and he was around a 2.  even with some compromising, i would be happy with a 7-8 and he could go up to a 3-4.  that still left a very large gap.  let’s face it, that gap would or could never be filled.  not for the rest of our lives.  believe it or not, he really didn’t see a problem with the relationship until we did this excercise, then, i could actually see on his face, acceptance.  we broke up.

you need to let your fi know that there is nothing wrong with having a low libido, it is important, however, to make sure that your mate shares the same level as you.  it is very unfair for both of you to have to deal with someone who is not on the same page as you are.

i wish you luck. 

Post # 15
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MatrixDonna:  just as a reference… We were intimate 5 or more times a week and that was in the beginning. Now, we are like you all and can vary dramatically. Tired, life  etc… Comes into play. I would get upset but then realized I’m just as much to blame. I’m tired too, things get comfortable ya know? But when I truly instigate, then things happen and its easy to know when men are obviously enjoying it. My advice is just take the lead. Some men have less sex drive-dont get sad, get frisky! Sounds like you have a great guy there who is willing to work with you. 

I’m sure your therapist tells you hints but we had ” sexy” cards ranging from back massages to crazy stuff and if you each take 1 a week and your only couple homework is to make that card happen then guaranteed twice a week intimacy would help:)

Post # 16
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MatrixDonna:  

Not being interested in certain films is hardly a sign of  any sexual orientation. 

You will have to decide if deep love is enough for you to be happy. There is no shame in staying with your fiance if that is what you decide.

My husband also has very high intelligence and his social skills have suffered as a result. However, his brilliance have never stopped him from wanting sex with. My husband’s sex drive is slightly lower than mine. I could easily have sex daily. Our compromise is making love every other day. It works for us. 

 

 

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