(Closed) Having second thoughts…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I really don’t think you should get married with all these problems and doubts.  It really bothers me the way that your FI is treating you.  You do not want to be in a marriage with someone who treats you like that.  I know it’s horrible but you might have to put the wedding on hold for now until you can deal with the underlying relationship issues.

Post # 4
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry you are having a hard time right now. I hope you can work it out for the best in time.

At times like this, I think it’s best to take a step back from the situation and ask yourself if what is happening now if a symptom of a larger problem or just a temporary stress.

Weddings (and money) stress people out and when people are stressed they behave badly. Can you talk to your fiance about how he’s acting and find out what the underlying causes of his coldness are?

Me and my FH fight all the time about money. It’s the only thing that really stresses him out to the point that he will be mean to me. But later, when I explain that I understand whay he is stressed and I’m willing to try to help whatever it is, he usually realizes that it isn’t my fault and he apologizes. Maybe this is one of those cases?

 

Post # 5
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Do you think that the reasons these problems have arose is because he is stressed and having cold feet about getting married? When FI and I talk about money and the wedding, and when things get tight, we get stressed and times are a little harder. Neither of us are very nice to the other. Maybe he is just super stressed, but after the wedding things will get better. But I don’t know your whole relationship and only you can decide what is best.

Post # 6
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to talk to your FI about what you want in a marriage.  Explain that you are concerend about the anger issues.  Discuss financial issues – since you are obviously not on the same page.  And explain that you are concerend that he doesn’t stand up for you or put you first.  You are his family now.  He has to put you first, and his parents/siblings second. 

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You should never be afraid to pull out of or put off a marriage because you’re afraid to pull out of a wedding!  The wedding is one single day, and the marriage is much longer than that, and will cost much more (emotionally and financially) to end.

You need to sit down with your fiance and lay all of these thoughts out on the table and discuss them with him.  His reaction to the conversation should be very telling.

Post # 8
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, whatever culture he’s from, you cannot enter a marriage with someone who won’t put your needs before those of his parents. Your plan for the future can’t be “hopefully his parents won’t intervene in our lives.” Most parents do want to intervene, and they won’t stop until their kid sets some boundaries. Think about the rest of your life; think about all the future financial decisions you’ll have to make together about homes, jobs, children, etc. These are hard enough without parents butting in, and will be even harder with your FILs offering their opinions. And what about him paying their bills? Is that something you’re okay with forever? What if their bills increase significantly and put a real burden on you, but he refuses to argue with them? 

To be practical, you are getting married so soon that it may be too much to call the wedding off or postpone it. At the same time, this might be your last chance to change things before entering into an unhappy marriage. So put the ball in his court: go talk to him as soon as you can. Tell him that you are about to enter into a formal commitment in which you promise to make each other #1 in your lives. And that you cannot go through with that commitment if he can’t do that. You need to be very frank and even demanding right now because he has taken advantage of you and been unreasonably demanding of you. Explain exactly what you need to see: a commitment to discuss finances openly, an agreement on what the limits of his parents’ involvement in their lives. He may say this is not the time for a big discussion, but you can remind him that you have tried discussing these subjects with him before and he just puts it off. Show him that you are serious about resolving this problem before getting married, and he should be able to work with you to figure it out so you can be a happy bride. 

Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Most marriages end due to finances and second problems with inlaws.  I think it has become pretty clear that there are serious issues at play right now,  These issues will not resolve themselves and continue with the marriage.  I feel the most responsible thing to do is to postpone the wedding.  No matter how expensive it is to cancel, it is not going to be as pricey as divorce, lawyers, etc.      You are being the utmost responsible and mature for doing this, and I applaud you.   I would first go to your FI tell him calmy you wish to postpone the wedding until you both have conquered these issues with a counselor.  If he refuses a counselor, then you have your answer on how the marriage would end up.   Next go to your parents, and tell them you have postponed the wedding for above reasons.  I have a strong feeling your parents will completely understand and be supportive.  Next I would have your family and close friends contact the guests and vendors about the postponment.  You do not need to offer everyone a detailed explanation just say you have both decided to put the wedding on hold until you have cleared some hurdles.    Be brave and strong!  You are very wise and know in your heart you are doing what is best.  We are here if you need support.

 

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Has he treated you like this before all the wedding planning? Because I know that wedding planning can cause alot of drama and negativity even if you both truly love each other, it is very stressful.  Last night my FI said ‘jeez I just cant wait for all this crap to be over with’ instead of taking it to the heart, I realize that he has been working longer hours to pay for the wedding, he is tired and cranky and what he meant was for it to just hurry up and come so we can move on with our lives and start our future together, we had to face alot of family drama on my end and its just an obstacle in your lives that you have to deal with together. Some men dont like to ask especially their family for financial help.   As husband and wife you will have to face many obstacles, nobody is perfect, we cant make someone perfect.  Your FI loves you alot or he wouldnt help pay for the wedding, maybe you two can spend some alone time for the whole day today and maybe go see a movie or dinner just to relieve some stress together, good luck tomorrow!

Post # 11
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you talked to your FI? Are you going through with the wedding? Updates!

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