Post # 1
So when we got engaged we had the talk about the name change. Changing my name was very important to him, and a year and a half ago I didnt have much of a problem with it. Flash forward to now, with a week and a half left till my wedding and Im starting to have second thoughts. I like my last name. Alot. Its part of my identity and my culture. Im really nervous about giving it up. I spoke to him about it and he said he’d be really pissed if I didnt change my name, because I already promised him I would…
Post # 3
Is there an option to hyphenate? I mean, you’re allowed to change your mind. You’re a grown woman. He needs to respect you and your feelings too…and if you’re having second thoughts about the name change, he needs to realize that your feelings are just as valid as his are. He doesn’t have to change a thing while you’re sacraficing your name.
Post # 4
I feel you girl! And Im sorry!
I am VERY attached to my last name and the last in our family history with it! I want to keep it and carry it on. Im not asking for it to be hyphenated just as a “second middle name” I guess! =) But for some reason FI cant see it from my perspective…which really bums me out. Luckily I still have time for some convincing! =)
Would this be an option for you!
If your name is Sarah May Bing (LOL sorry made it up!)
FI’s name is John Mark Smith
Could you do Sarah May Bing Smith?
Thats what im hoping to do with mine! Hope it makes sense! LOL!
Post # 5
I think it should be your decision, not his, as it’s your name. But I don’t think that your name is your identity. You’re still going to be the same exact person if you have a different name.
Post # 5
I am sorry this sucks… what if you didn’t lose your name but gained his as well? (you could move your current last name to a second middle name and then take his Last name… you would know you have it still but you wouldn’t use it if you didn’t want to)
Post # 6
I think he needs to let you make your own decisions. If you don’t want to change your name at all, you don’t have to. Perhaps though you could compromise by hyphenating?
Post # 7
You’re totally allowed to change your mind on this one. Changing your name is a really big deal, and it’s hard to know exactly what that means until you’re faced with actually doing it. Ask him how he would feel about changing his name, and maybe he’ll start to see the complexity of it. What are his reasons for wanting you to change your name?
Post # 8
He is very traditional and gets really pissed when I bring up anything other then taking his name and responds with, “WE HAVE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS”
Post # 9
@CupCakeMeg: This is what I’ll be doing, as it is important to FI that I take his name, but I also don’t want to completely drop my name. I’ll go by his name, mine will just be kind of like a second middle name.
Post # 10
@maybride2011: Just because you’ve talked about something doesn’t mean it’s a closed case–this kind of thing is going to keep coming up throughout your lives together, for different situations. You talked about it over a year ago, and now you’ve got a different opinion. He should try to be open to renewing the discussion, at the very least.
Post # 11
@maybride2011: That’s not right. You’ve changed your mind now and you two should discuss it again. If he expects you to compromise with him, he should at least be willing to hear you out. He can’t FORCE you to change your name anyhow. In the end it is YOUR decision, so if he wants to come to an agreement that will work for both of you, he better start listening to you.
Post # 12
i struggled with this – it was never even a thought in my head that I wouldnt take his last name – then it came time to actually do it and it made me really sad – i love my last name its unique, its so italian and it flows really nicely with my first and middle name. his last name is common – the 3rd most common last name in the US actually and my italian first name with his english/welsh last name – well it has taken some getting used to . He even still calls me by my frist name and maiden name – i have to remind him we have the same last name now haha.
i chose to change mine because im pretty traditional but i cant say i didnt shed a few tears when i finally went to the social security office to get it changed – i love my maiden name and if i didnt have brothers to carry it on i may have kept it. its a strange feeling changing your name but in the end its just a name, it doesnt take away from your background or culture or the person you are.
have you thought about dropping your middle name and using your last a middle name? i thought about that option but same as hyphonating, it didnt roll off the tongue too nicely.
in the end though its your choice – if its something you dont feel comfortable doing then he needs to respect that. and him saying “we already talked about this” is just out of the question – it needs to be talked about…. They could never understand the feeling of loss that comes with a name change.
Post # 13
that’s bullshit. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who tried to force me to take their name.
having different names doesn’t make you any less married, or any less of a family.
Would he change his name? I’m guessing not since you said he is traditional.
it’s unfair for him to ask you to do something he is not willing to do himself.
there are lots of cultures around the world where the woman never changes her name.
Post # 14
@maybride2011: Him not being able to even have a level-headed discussion is childish–he needs to listen to your feelings.
That being said, I felt like you, and then I just went through with it. My identity has not changed because my name has. I’m still the same person. People see ME and who I am INSIDE, not my name. And I am sure they will with you, too.
But, on another note, if you really just cannot go through with it, he needs to be understanding.
Post # 15
I agree with the others: he needs to realize that people change their minds and the discussion should open back up.
Heck, that even happens with court cases!!! courts will decide on something x-many years ago, then it’ll be challenged. The courts THEN have to re-try the similar thing all over again and come to another verdict.
I’d be a bit angry with HIM for not wanting to discuss it more and for demanding me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. I’d also be rethinking my decision on marrying him, but that’s just me. 🙂
Personally, speaking, I was on the opposite side as you. I WANTED to take my FI’s last name but he didn’t want me to. (You see, I have a really cool last name and he loves it because it isn’t as “boring” or “normal” as his…who cares no one tries to pronouce it, not even nurses…) I finally agreed I’d keep it and, the more I’ve thought on it, the happier I am in keeping this weird, unusual last name. Even after we’re married.
Despite friends trying to convince me that I should take his. again. and again. and again…..