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I am three months from my wedding and during the entire engagement I have never second guessed my decision to marry my FI, until now.
He works really hard and would do anything for me. He helps me around the house with dishes, fold laundry, whatever it may be and I always had this feeling that he would be such a great husband, but lately I don't know.
Well recently we adopted a puppy. FI has been on my case for months and I kept saying no and wanted to wait until after we got settled. Well a little less than a month ago I gave in and it has made me hate my FI. He is so selfish! She gets up every morning at 4:30, but he sleeps until 7! He never helps me, doesn't feed her, pick up after her, or anything. He thinks he is doing a great thing because he helps me on Saturdays and his other big help is that he is taking care of our other dog. How much do you need to do with a fully trained dog who sleeps until 10am! I just can't get over the fact that if he won't help me with the puppy what is it going to be like when we have kids.
His father is a very selfish person and never had a hand in raising him or his brother and sisters and for the first time in 5 yrs I see his father in him and I hate it.
I don't know what to do but right now I am just angry and exhausted.
Oh wow I am so sorry. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe even hinted?
Have you talked to him about this? How you feel exhausted and mad because you are always the one who gets up early with the puppy and does everything for the puppy? If he listens and tries to help you, then you can salvage the relationship. If he doesn't, you might want to consider going to couples therapy or posponing the wedding.
Talk to him that's the only advice. Stay calm and compose don't talk about being unsure just tell him you would like a little help with the dog since it was his idea. Don't bring out the children issue yet or don't talk about his dad.
Yeah my first thought was, "how is he going to be when you guys have kids?!". I would sit down and talk with him about the fact that a puppy (like a baby) is a shared responsibility. What is his schedule like during the week? Is he working really long hours or a really stressful job--aka is there any excuse he could have for not helping out in the early early mornings or more during the day?
Hi there. Okay, first calm down and breathe :) Try to smile.
Talking to him and letting him know how you feel is probably the first thing you should do. Let him know in a way that is nonthreatening - I always do my talking and discussing over coffee.
Let him know your expectations about the puppy. Outline that it was his decision to get the puppy and that if he cannot properly take care of it that he will have to make other arrangements.
When it comes to rearing children, you should definitely discuss this soon. Like...now. My fiance and I are doing this in marriage couseling (6 - 1 hour sessions...it is amazing and so nonthreatening.)
Just remember, when you get married issues like these will come up but it is not a reason to second guess your decision. Issues like these, if taken care of properly and in a healthy manner, will make you guys stronger.
I am so sorry that all of this is happening and especially with it being just a few months before your wedding. While it is annoying (to say the least), I don't think it's any reason to not get married or anything (which I'm sure a lot of why you said that is because you're fed up and frustrated).
Is it possible to just sit down and have a talk about how hard this is on you? He probably does think that since he helps out on Saturdays that he is doing his part (for some reason that reminds me of when my sister would get in trouble in high school for not cleaning her room, etc. she would always say, "but I make good grades"). Sometimes there's just a little more too it.
Maybe just mention the fact that when you BOTH decided to get a dog that together you accepted the responsibility of caring for her. It's wearing you out to get up every morning at 4:30 and you really need him to step up by: getting up with her every other morning, walking her, feeding her in the evenings (and you feed her in the morning-or something).
I hope that things get better! Do you have a picture of your sweet pup?
Don't panic. Get some rest first so you're thinking clearly and calmly. Talk to him about your fears. He may not even realize what your upset about. Give him a chance to fix things/change his behavior.
Also, don't stress about the kids issue. Having pets is not really an indicator of the type of parent he'll be. And most likely, having been raised by his father and hurt by the lack of interaction, he'll want to do the opposite with his own children.
Wish you the best.
ugh that's terrible - a valid concern. I would start with the dog issue - I need more help with the puppy, she gets up so early and needs a lot of care. it would be easier if both of us took charge. If that doesn't work, I'd bring up that he was the one that wanted the puppy, and that he needs to man up. If that doesn't work, I'd discuss with him rehoming the puppy to a family that wants to spend the time to train it. If that doesn't work, I would then have a very frank discussion that brings his inaction to light and not mince words about how that's not acceptable. Some women want to have a patriarch and do all thehouse stuff (I do not know these women, haha), but if you're not that woman, and he needs to step up - you don't want your whole life to be like that. Sorry you're going through this! Wishing you the best of luck. I would also flip in this situation.
It's something to talk through, for sure. You don't want to have any resentment toward him. Good luck!!!
My husband tries to sleep through puppy cries too. He just knows I'll get up, though sometimes if I pretend to sleep he'll get up. He does help in other ways but I'd say just talk to him about how you need him to pull more weight.
You definitely need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Did you talk before the puppy about who would take care of it? If not, that's ok, address it now. Tell him you are burdened, there is so much going on, it is overwhelming. Tell him that he was the one who definitely wanted the dog, and that the entire responsibility of her is too much. You want her to be your dog together, not just yours, but that it won't be like that if only one of you take care of her. Maybe split the household chores a little more, since you know he'll likely bring up "well i do all this other stuff". Look, I wanted two cats when DH got deployed. They are MY cats. And they are MY responsibility. If i just schlepped them off onto my husband, i'd fully expect him to give me a swift kick in the butt and remind me they are mine to feed, clean up after, and clean up their poop. Dogs are a huge responsibility...I can completely understand why you are relating dog care to kids. At some point, maybe bring up how involved he will be in child rearing. I know my mom had specific tasks and so did my dad--very traditional household. And if you're raised in one, like your SO was, he may think it's 'weird' that he has to adopt a new attitude with YOU, because you are not his mom.
Definatly need to have a SERIOUS discussion. He wanted the puppy so bad; he needs to take care of it. Unfortunatly; you didn't talk about it ahead of time. Or did you? If I were so adamint to say no to getting the puppy then I would have said "yes" only if he takes care of it. If he can't then it's best to find it a new home NOW while it's still young & can be trained the way someone else wants it. Then I'd have the discussion about kids. These are thigns that you don't really think about until it happens. You need to ask him what his expectations are with children. Will he be helping out? Changing dipers? Getting up at 2am? You need to get these thigns out in the open before your married.
For all the bees who asked if I talked to him, my tired self yelled that "I don't want to have kids ever and especially not with you" as I walked out the door today to take the dogs for a walk, he was gone by the time I got back (left for work pretty early this morning LOL) I know this doesn't count as talking but that's as far as we've gotten. Oh yea a text message that said "Don't give me an attitude, you are the selfish asshole"
So maybe when I calm down I guess talking this out would be a really good idea.
He does work alot, but he works from 7:30am to 8:30pm. I understand that he is stressed and tired and when I tried talking to him about helping out he just says that he's sorry and he tried so hard to get out of bed but just couldn't. Well I work from 8am -5pm, take my lunch to go home and take care of my girls, and then am on constant puppy duty all night. I don't have a minute to myself, I even have to take her to the bathroom when I need to pee because she can't be trusted. I am still cooking dinner, making lunches, doing laundry, and keeping the books for his business so it's not like I lay on the couch when I'm not working.
He was amazing when we got out first puppy and we are both exhausted and under a lot of stress and he is caving in and I'm picking up the slack.
I am the person who needs at least 9 hours of sleep a night. I am getting 5 hours a night on top of remodeling our home and finishing wedding planning. I pretty much hate everyone LOL
Gracie_and_Roxy.jpg (77.7 KB, 31 downloads) 2 years old 
awhhh, i'm sorry you're feeling this way. but, don't think that you're alone or that this doesn't happen to other couples -- either engaged or married! having a puppy (or a baby!) is a huge responsibility, and a lot of people like the idea of having a pet, but they really fail to recognize the amount of patience and dedication it takes to raise the animal. and, a lot of people fight over who has to get up to take the dog out, walk it, etc.
my best advice is talk to your FI in a non-attacking way. explain to him how when you both agreed to take on this new puppy, you made a commitment to take care of it -- and that means he needs to meet you half way with the help. maybe you can set up a schedule -- M,W,F, you get up early to take the dog out, T,TH,S he gets up early to take the puppy out and Sunday, you do it together. something like that so you have that to fall back on. there are also a lot of tapes, books, classes etc. for new pet parents to look to for helpful resources. maybe suggest doing one of those together?
either way, you're obviously marrying him for all the right reasons. many people have never had the experience of having the responsibility to take care of a pet growing up. look at this as an opportunity to grow together so that when the time comes to have a baby, you'll have a lot of these issues worked through and you'll be pros!
hang in there & good luck!
The first week he really did help and I was like this is good. We alternated every other night and we took potty training shifts but as soon as she started sleeping through the night he stopped getting up. We did talk about our arrangement before she came home and it was working and then I guess the novelty wore off. But he does need to step up to the plate.
And I will not threaten to get rid of the puppy, he will go before she does. It's not her fault she is just a baby and I am okay doing this all myself if I was alone but I'm not so I think he needs to step up to the plate.
@Melissabegins- I am not one of those woman! LOL So he better get things in check haha
He needs to accept some responsibility since he's the one who wanted to get the dog in the first place.
I'd have a serious sit down and say "I need you to help out with the dog because I really like her but I can't take care of her all by myself" - if he refuses or says he'll help and doesn't pull his own I'd mention something about rehoming the dog - see how he reacts. If he wants a dog then he has to take care of a dog.
I think you need to get back on your schedule. Write it out and post in up in a common area (kitchen, bedroom) where you can point to it and say "It is YOUR turn Darling..." I don't have any sympathy for him working long hours. I've worked long hours, my DH has worked long hours, yet we're still able to keep our end of an agreement. My DH was working 14 hour days when he was raising our puppy, so it can be done. He just needs to dig deep and man up!! The next time it's his turn, kick his lazy ass out of bed. If you end up waking up to take care of the dog, make sure HE wakes up too! (I'd pour a glass of cold water on him, but every relationship has its limits, eh?) He doesn't get a pass, and ESPECIALLY if he twisted your arm into getting the puppy in the first place!
(As a side note, my DH did tell me that he thought it would be a lot easier to get a puppy and had no idea how much time and energy it took. I reminded him that I TOLD him that before we got the dog, but he admitted that he didn't really believe me until after the dog was there and peeing on the floor and barking in the middle of the night. So maybe some guys just DON'T get it?)
@mightysapphire- I think talking will help and needs to be done but I know him and in another week he will go right back. When I get home today I am going to go around the house and post of new schedule. I'm not against pouring a bucket of cold water LOL
I do have to say thanks! You bees work magic. I am no longer on the verge of tears, just getting it all out makes so much of a difference.
Another thing to think about is when you do get ready to talk to him say, "FI can we talk about this dog situation this saturday morning". That way he can mentally prepare for it as well. Set a date/time that neither or you are going to be stressed etc. Try not to make it a score card (I took her out 5 times and day and you only take her out 3).
I agree with posting a schedule but you guys need to agree to that schedule together otherwise he won't abide by it. If you let him have some input and you agree on it then you can hold him to it.
@Caszos- Great idea, I don't think I'll be very productive today as I'm still angry and he I don't think he's talking to me either at the moment. Maybe I will just ask him later today if we can talk tomorrow about this. I don't want thinks to get worse by talking when we are both angry.
it sounds like he is under the assumption that how his dad "helped" raise him is okay, and that he can do the same to you, regarding kids, or dogs. you need to talk to him. I think if you let him know how this is letting you feel, he should be able to change his ways...maybe he feels like its ok to let you do the "puppy rearing" since that is in essence what his dad did to him and his siblings. let him know that it HAS to be 50-50 with EVERYTHING including (ESPECIALLY INCLUDING raising children) and hopefully he will be able to change his habits. it probably wont happen overnight, but i think the first step is to talk to him about it.
First off, I don't think that yelling at him as you walk out the door or calling him an "asshole" in a text message is going to help anything. It will only make him less likely to help out. I do think an honest, open conversation about your expectations and mutual responsibility and need to compromise needs to happen. If you say that even after talking it through and both agreeing to the responsibility, he will just go back in a week, then there may be a further problem. I can see him not fulfilling it if it's just something you tell him to do, but if you come together as adults and both discuss what needs to be done and come up TOGETHER with a plan and he doesn't follow through, I'd be a little worried.
As all of the other bees have said, communication is key. No more outbursts or spurts of anger... try your best to hold it all together and have a real discussion about this. You have many, many valid points and concerts. Don't bring up the comparison to his potential child rearing skills, it's a big slap in the face so just try to keep it to yourself. This is an excellent test b/c if you guys can work together through this having kids won't be as bad. :)
And... I totally know what you're going through b/c I went through the same thing with my FI. Although we don't have dogs, I brought my cat into the relationship and last year when we moved in together, he suggested we get a kitten so that my cat would have some company.
Let me say that although FI is a wonderful person, taking care of the house is not his strong point. I'm usually the one that cleans up and takes care of the house and if he does help out, it's b/c I ask him to. In no way is he ever pro-active about these things.
He wouldn't help feed the cats, give them medication, clip their claws, scoop the poo poo... you know it he didn't lift a damn finger! He'd rather watch TV instead of doing anything to care for these cats. It got to the point where I myself started questioning whether or not he had the ability to raise children... esp if he couldn't raise cats! Like you, I would be fuming and getting really pissed off (this is all going on in my head of course). Secretly cursing him to myself, telling myself how lazy he is. Anyway, I mangaed to put my foot down and discuss that he needed to take partial responsibility for these cats.
I'd work out a system where if I fed them in the morning, he needed to feed them at night. If he didn't do it, I'd remind him (which can get pretty annoying but I persevered). We'd switch off cleaning the litter box where again I'd ask him to do it. It does get rather repetitive to have to remind him all of the time but at least it's getting done.
Maybe you can work out a system like this with your FI. Get a plan of action or solutions in place so that you can always follow them or go back to the plan if he strays. Sometimes men just need structure like that.
Sorry you are going through this, I understand how stressful your situation must be... But I am kind of taken aback that no one is horrified about how you talk about/ treat your future husband and that no one is on side. He works 13 hour days, he most likely needs all the sleep he can get, he, honestly, probably didn't realize/ forgot how hard raising a puppy is. Not to mention the stress is tripled with the wedding planning and home remodeling, FOR HIM TOO. I would definitely consider finding a nice home for the new dog until you are both equally ready for the responsibility.
"I will not threaten to get rid of the puppy, he will go before she does" Dog before your future husband? The man you wanted to spend the rest of your days with? The man you should, but obviously don't, respect? I think there are bigger problems than puppy rearing and getting them figured out before the wedding would be best.
This is just my opinion, I apologize if I offended you, I really do think you need to sit down and think long and hard about the HUGE commitment you are about to make to a man you say you "hate." I will most likely get a bunch of sh*t for this and thats fine, maybe it'll help and maybe it'll fall on deaf ears.
I'm sorry, but I agree with Dr.LauraFan. My FI and I have been working 12 hour days all week and all either of us has the energy to do is fall asleep as soon as we get home. Spending that much time at work is a huge drain on your mind and body.
Also, as far as the puppy goes, just because your puppy wakes up at 4:30 doesn't mean you have to. Crate trane her or put down puppy pads if you don't want to wake up so early. That way you don't have to worry about messes.
@Dr. Laura Fan- I appreciate your input and I realize how I wrote this post this morning when I hadn't slept in weeks and was fuming. I understand he works and I'm not saying he doesn't need his sleep but I work to and need mine as well. I think a lot of bees helped me to figure out the issues we need to address in a calm manner. I don't "hate" him and I shouldn't haved used that word I am just very frustrated. The reason I say I would ask him to leave before I sent the puppy back is because he is an adult she is an innocent little puppy who we made a commitment to take in. I'm not sending her back because he is tired. We just need to work out a better system so that both of us are able to get some sleep not just one of us.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree with everyone that setting up a time to talk about this would be really great in getting things cleared up between you (whether that's setting up a schedule for taking care of the dog or whatever). I know that talking about important things like this can be difficult. Might I suggest that you two go for pre-marital couples counceling? I know that it sounds like an awful thing (like you have big problems or whatever) but it's really just about making sure you know what the other person's expectations are and that you're on the same page about important life decisions (both smaller and larger). It would be the perfect time to bring up some of your feelings/concerns about potentially having a kid in the future given what you've experienced with the puppy. Having this conversation with someone who can help steer it and ask important questions and who has done this before might be very, very useful. Might be worth a thought.
Good luck!
roxy821, we have all flown off the handle at times, its understandable. I'm glad you wrote back, I felt badly after writing it, thought maybe I was too harsh. I really hope things work out with your situation. You are both tired, not to mention stressed. Maybe a nice glass of wine for both of you and a comfy couch will help when you talk to him tonight. :)
@Dr.LauraFan- I was a little offended when I first read your response but they I thought about and I know a came off as an extreme bitch. The stress and no sleep got the best of me and this was a very vented post. I love my FI and I love my dogs and I am very happy with our life, but I do need help. It's been weeks of him sleeping when I am so tired I am near tears that I blew up (I knew I shouldn't) but I just lost it. And my dogs have an amazing home and they are spoiled rotten and so loved, just because we don't see eye to eye all of the time our girls are still the number one priority. My little one was a rescue with a lot of health problems and in less than a month she has gained 10 pounds and now has a beautiful shiny coat so we are doing soemthing right.
I think Dr.LauraFan brings up some good points that we all should try to remember. Using harsh words etc when fighting really doesn't get us anywhere.
I am proud of you for being honest about this. If HE wanted, and pressured you to have the puppy- then he is taking advantage of you. The thing is @Dr.LauraFan- @roxy IS thinking about her huge commitment- right? That's why you are writing this? Anyway @roxy, I think you have very valid concerns. And, what I am trying to say- is that it takes courage and honesty to admit your feelings and then do something about your situation, so -I am glad you are being honest. It definitely sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart. MAYBE give him a chance to show small improvements- baby steps. But, if things still aren't right for you, there is nothing wrong with admiting it and dealing with it, so that you can get what you need out of your relationship and your life- deal with it NOW, so that it doesn't bother you and build up over time. Hugs to you, @roxy.
lol@ the text message/goodbye this morning. I'm lucky my husband is a cat person. :)
@cbee- Awww you as so sweet! I will figure this out and work through it and there will be a wedding, but this is the first time in this enagagement that I ever questioned that and as you know sometimes it's a lot easier to come her when noone knows you or will judge you and help you make sense of what is going on.
@maureen9004- Well everyone asked if he knew how I feel LOL. I already apologized.
roxy, how many times a night are having to get up with your little pup? Are you using a crate with her? Usually, the rule is that pups can go their age in months plus one hour between potty breaks (so a 4 month old could go for 5 hours), but most pups can go for a bit longer overnight when they're sleeping. So, you shouldn't need to get up with her more than once a night. If your furbaby is peeing more often, it might be an indication of a urinary tract infection (your vet can test her for this). She could also just be one of those puppies who likes to fill up on water; you can try taking away the water bowl a couple of hours before bedtime and see if that helps (don't do this unless you're sure she doesn't have a UTI).
PP's addressed the relationship stuff better than I ever could, so I thought I'd try to help with the puppy stuff. Good for you for adopting a dog who needs you and making a commitment to taking care of her!
Thanks for all of the relationship advice.
I know that yelling and flipping out doesn't work and when I'm not so tired I'm walking into walls I'm usually not like this.
So here's an update. When I got out of work on Friday I went home and noone was there including my dogs. I called FI and found out that he took both dogs out to the park (still don't know why I had to lose it before he helped). When he came home in a very calm manner we talked about how busy we both are and that he needs to help me out and make things easier because I have a full plate too and can't do this all myself. Saturday morning I slept in and he got up earlier and Sunday morning my dad let us both sleep (we are stayin at my house while we remodel our home). Yesterday morning, I got up with her but she slept until 6! And then when he got home from work he took her down the park to do some training. And this morning he had to leave early for work so he told me that he will take puppy duty tomorrow morning.
So after some sleep and trying to work things out, we are still getting married. Never knew how crazy being absolutely exhausted made me!
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