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I, too, have a previously-married FI. He, however, has been Mr. Wonderful about everything, as usual. For instance, I was a mess when I realized that we had set the date in the same month as his first wedding. I was horrified that it would be tacky and that he would feel weird about. Why hadn't he mentioned it SOONER!? He shrugged it off, saying, "It's a different wedding. A different 'us'". He's so chill about everything, but not in a disrespectful or trivializing way. He recognizes that this is an important day for US because it's the first time we are marrying each other, if that makes sense.
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My mister has been great about recognizing a "different us" as well--I guess I just had to formally let him know (through my sobbing, blubbering mess) that I needed support that all of us first-timers have not experienced yet.
My FI is so sincere and caring, that we had "The Talk" without me prompting. As I began the planning process, I was asking him about his first wedding, what that was like, how big etc. He could tell something was bothering me, so he asked. And I spilled that I was afraid this wedding wouldn't mean as much because it wasn't his first. And that I was afraid everything we experienced would be that way, since he already has children, a boy and a girl. I know his ex was horribly jealous of the fact he'd had a son before he met her, and even mentioning his son was the beginning of a fight. So I've tried very hard not to be like that.
His points (and they're good points) are:
a) This is a different wedding and it will be new and different for him
b) This wedding reflects our relationship, which is a stark contrast to his last marriage. He doesn't anticipate that they will be similar in any respect (and they really aren't, his last wedding was a justice of the peace in Mexico, this is a big fancy affair with family and everything).
c) He loves me and everything to do with me, and how can he not be excited?
Basically, I say be upfront with YOURSELF about what you're feeling and why. Then put it in a way you can share with your FI so they know what you're feeling. If you never tell them, they may not know they have to act different (maybe that's how they acted last time??). Just be honest and open, and don't place blame, because they can't help that they've already been married anymore than you can help that you've got [blue] eyes.
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We have been very open and honest with each other, thankfully. I guess with this post I just wanted to see if anyone else has run into this.
I'm glad to see that I'm not alone!
You're not alone! I was totally bummed because I really wanted to center the wedding around sunflowers. I had planned for like 3 days before my FI mentions that his ex loved sunflowers and now he can't stand them because of her. Why couldn't she have liked thistles??? Anything but my beloved sunflower!!
We both are getting married again..so we both know exactly what we are going into..and lovin' it! Yes, there are responsibilities and issues we will face and we'll face them together.
Like MS said, it is a new marriage, a new beginning and none of the old applies to this. It is a chance to have a beautiful new life together.
Just be open and honest and speak your heart.
I'm the encore... and I've been trying to be super attentive to the whole process - from making sure he gets the kind of wedding he wants (even if that's no wedding at all), to making sure not to be all "well in my FIRST wedding, we did this..." Even though those experiences are helpful in making these decisions. I'm of course SUPER excited about our marriage and I definitely will be just as excited about the wedding, regardless of what we do. I rarely even think of 'the first time' on a day to day basis (unless trying to think of wedding-related decisions, since the first-time-planning experience really is helpful), and when i do think of it i try to keep it emotionless and simply logistic.
So, we haven't had "the talk" as you described, but we have definitely talked about both of our pasts and our feelings, hopes, fears, and expectations regarding them and each other.
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We had "the talk" early on in our engagement too. He has been amazing about it. Early in our relatyionship, he told me that he would answer any question that I had about his first marriage. Knowing that I had an open door to ask questions helped our relationship a lot, and has continued to do so now with wedding stuff. For example, I'be asked: what color flowers did you have at wedding 1? (he has no clue) where was the ceremony exactly? (so that ours would be reallllly different)
Amester26 - I FREAKED OUT about having our wedding in March (which we are doing) because his last wedding was in February. I wanted to have in in September so that it would be the TOTAL opposite end of the calendar. In retrosepct, that seems nuts. We are getting married in March because that's when our families could come to Maui where we live. At his first wedding, they got married without family. That will be a major difference in our wedding, and in our life.
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any more having "the talk"? I think T and I have talked till we're blue in the face! Guess we're just a couple of smurfs in love.
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Have any of you had to have the "I-know-you've-been-married-but-I-haven't" talk with your significant other?
My first talk about this (other than the light hearted talks we have had before) occured after my first bridal shower in November. I was super excited step into the "bride" shoes for the first time. The shower was great...but only two of my bridesmaids (out of five) showed up--my MOH and my Jr. Bridesmaid. One was in Texas (I'm in Michigan) so she doesn't really count, one had to work (but only told me the day before) and the other overslept. I was super bummed out about it. Then, at the end of the shower, my FI showed up to what I thought was "Save the day." When he entered the door he was joking with his younger brother and didn't even look at me. I thought I looked great and I thought he would at least compliment me. Nope. Not even a glance. Without making eye contact with me he says "Okay, boys, let's load this stuff into the car."
Cut to me, that night sobbing because no matter what, this experience wouldn't be the same for me as it would be for him. I felt like I had no support from my MIA bridesmaids and then when he was supposed to be my positive ray of sunshine, he ended up being overcast. He wanted the big wedding the second time around and everything...but I felt like I was being cheated out of experiencing all of that new stuff with the person I loved the most.
He apologized and has changed his demeanor ever since. I just wish I didn't have to talk with him about it. It really is unbelievable the baggage he has from his last marriage.
Am I alone? Have any of you had an Encore SO that just didn't get it until you were a sobbing mess?