Post # 1
Three years ago I moved from Connecticut to Texas, and I have really fallen in love with Texas… To the point where I feel MOST at home here. However my Mom would love nothing more than for me to move back home…
Well, I got engaged on NYE and when I was telling my mom she brought up where I would have the wedding… And she kind of made the point that she would be upset if it was in Texas and that I really need to think about it.
But you see, I really want my wedding in Texas, it feels like home and it’s the state where my FI is from, and quite frankly I think it will be easier to plan a wedding if I live in the same place.
My mom’s arguement is that my extended family doesn’t have a great deal of money and traveling isn’t really their thing and she doesn’t think many/any (besides my immediate family) would actually come down here for my wedding. Which could be the same arguement for my FI’s extended family, plus all of our mutual friends (there would most definitely be more people from Texas invited since my life is here now).
But no matter where the wedding is someone’s family will have to travel. As it is my FI and I live 5 hours from his family, so if we had the wedding in the town my FI and I live both parties would still be traveling some. And I don’t really care to have a destination wedding in some random state inbetween.
I’m kind of at a loss for what to do, it seems like no matter where I have the wedding it wouldn’t be fair to someone’s family.
So what I’m asking is: has anyone been in this situation? How did your families react? How did you handle the fact that you might not have much of your family at your wedding?
And lastly how did you handle the out of town guests? Are we obligated to offer them accomodations?
Post # 3
My sister had to deal with this too :(. She had hers in our home state because my parents paid for the wedding and they made her do it. I can definitely see where your mom is coming from, but if you are paying for the wedding and you plan to live in Texas, that’s where I would have it. It seems like Texas is where your friends are, and it’s where both of you call home.
ETA: You could also have a small backyard ‘reception’ in your hometown to include those that weren’t able to travel to try to appease your mom.
Post # 4
My situation was easier than yours because having the wedding in my FI’s hometown/state was never an option for us, but we did have to choose between where we live and where my family lives. I decided to look at venues in both locations but ultimately decided to get married where we live. It has made it SO much easier on me to be able to run to appointments over lunch rather than having to plan a weekend trip with 4 appointments in it, ya know? And yes, my family was a little miffed. But they don’t have to come if they don’t want to. I’m an adult and it was not unreasonable to want to get married where I live, so I’m doing it. At this point (less than 60 days out), no one even mentions the location anymore.
I think you have to do what is best for you and your fiance. If your mom doesn’t think that any of your family will come, maybe do a home/casual reception there the month after your wedding? Lots of Bees have done this, like Pretzel and Pencils (I think?)
Post # 5
My family is in Ohio and his is in NY (where we live) and we decided to get married in my home state because its cheaper and my family is larger. His family would prefer if we did it in NY but we figured that it is our day and the people who really want to be there will try to make a way. As far as accomodations we’ve been to several out of town weddings and paid for our own accomodations but the bride and groom reserved blocks of rooms at nearby hotels, ususally at a discounted rate, so we didnt have to worry about searching for one.
Post # 6
I would think if you explain your logical reasons to your mother, unless she’s willing to do everything for your wedding and you just swoop in to get married and leave again, Texas it is. I think if you feel at home in Texas, then you should go for it. It sounds like everyone will have to travel to you two so in away that is a destination wedding, unless his family want to drive back the 5hours the same night.
You can reserve blocks of rooms at hotels, find great deals for them, and invite them all to the rehersal, but you’re not obligated to fund their travel or accomidations.
Good luck! and congrats!!!
Post # 7
Well the part that is bothering me the most is that I was engaged before (the reason I moved to Texas in the first place, but it ended poorly) and the plan then was to have the wedding in Texas… So she knows that it’s what I want and it’s what I wanted before. And that I would most definitely want a party up north to celebrate with all of my extended family…
She just makes me feel guilty all the time (she was also crying when I told her I was engaged and she said “so I guess you’re never moving back home then”). And she is my mom and I want to make her happy, but I don’t see the point in having a wedding up north because 15-20 people won’t want to travel (I have a very small extended family, and I do believe that some of them would make the trip).
She wouldn’t be paying for the wedding (if she did it would be a smaller contribution, like my dress)… My dad will be paying for most of it and he doesn’t really care either way because he doesn’t have much family besides us and his wife, only his sister in California who would travel anyway, and he is much more comfortable financially.
Post # 8
We are having the wedding where most of the family is and that happens to be on my end. And his family is so spread a part it doesn’t matter because all of them will be flying in.
Post # 9
@Miss Tattoo: That makes the most sense, there are more people in Texas who would go than who wouldn’t be able to go from up north.
Thanks Ladies, you definitely have made me feel better about it.
But keep the advice coming!
Post # 10
I would just make the point to your mom that you need to have the wedding where is most convenient for you. It’s not about you choosing his family over your family or anything like that. It is purely because this will be the easiest most affordable option for you.
I think your mom is probably just feeling a little left out. Anyway you could fly her down to Texas for a wedding-planning-weekend? Look at venues, go dress shopping, taste cake! I think involving her will really help.
Post # 11
@JrzyGurl: That is a great idea about getting her more involved… I was actually thinking about doing my dress shopping up there… Since my bridesmaids are all going to be from up north (my sisters and two oldest friends) and I thought my mom and sisters would love to have that moment, and it would be something we could remember. Then I could either order the dress from that shop and have it delivered down here or just find the dress at a shop down here for the actual purchase. 🙂 Thanks!
Post # 12
I am in a similar situation, but had to choose between four different locations… In the end I chose the one that FI and I liked best, and that we thought people would travel more gladly to.
We are not paying for their stay (I’ve hear that sometimes bride and groom do that, but I’ve never met anyone who did and don’t know anyone who would expect it), but we are trying to give them travel options to choose from and, if we can organise it properly, will also arrange transportation (from the airport to the hotel and back).
If Texas is where you want your wedding to be, then it must be there. Your mom is probably having a hard time dealing with the fact that you have a new life, so the only thing you can try to do is get her involved with the planning and remind her that you don’t need to be living close to each other to be close!
Post # 13
This is so my situation just a little opposite. FH is from South Carolina and moved up to Missouri to be with me. It wasn’t easy to decide where to have the wedding. You are right in that you won’t make everyone happy, at least I know I didn’t. We knew my family would travel whereas his would not. We also knew that my family is huge and we’d be able to save money by having it 14 hours away from them b/c some wouldn’t travel. It’s a hard decision no matter what you do, you just need to be confident in it. I know I have moments where I wish the wedding was up here in my hometown. But it really isn’t that hard to plan from far away.
Post # 14
Not to be harsh but you will never make your mom happy 100%. So you move the wedding to your home state…it will be something else she is wanting and then something else. Next thing you know she is getting the wedding she wants.
If you are in fact in Fredericksburg, I say Texas! That area is Beautiful with a capital B. All of our family is in Texas with a few exceptions except my family is on one end of the state, DH’s was on the other end and we are in the middle. We had it where we lived. We had talked about moving to where DH’s family lives and had we actually moved, it would have been there. And yes, planning the wedding long distance isn’t ideal but it is doable.
Do what YOU AND the FI want. Give up hope making everyone happy and focus on what YOU TWO want.
Post # 15
Ours is the opposite. My hubby is from the Netherlands and honestly had we gotten married there we would have had ALOT more family there (his and friends for that matter). We chose to get married in the USA because this is where we are making our home. There were some other factors as well, a big one being that we were HERE in the USA and I’m a hands on planner. Planning from a distance via email, pictures and phone calls only just doesn’t work for me AT ALL. Lucky for me though, his family was very gracious and understanding (again immigration issues might have played a bit of a role in this) and we still had 11 of his friends and family fly to California from the Netherlands to see us get married! 🙂
I love the idea of dress shopping with your mom and if there is anything else you could work in to make her feel more involved, that would be awesome! 🙂
Post # 16
My husband and I were in a similar situation. We live in Florida, and I’m from Wisconsin. Most of his family lives in Florida, but some of his mom’s side is in Pittsburgh. Like you, we decided it would be much easier to plan the wedding where we live. It was a hard decision because I knew that hardly any of my family or friends would be able to make it. I am still a little sad that I missed out on having them there, but I know we made the right decision because planning a wedding from so far away would be difficult and much more stressful. Also it was nice for the Pittsburgh family and the family of mine that could come because it doubled as a nice vacation to a warm climate. It’s hard, but stick with your gut feeling on what you feel is right for your wedding. I’m sure your mom will come around eventually.