Post # 1
I’m 34 with a lot of single, older-than-me girlfriends who have no prospect of getting married. My fiance proposed to me 10 months after we met. Since my engagement and during the wedding-planning process, I’ve started to have some trouble connecting with those single, older girlfriends. I go out of my way to ask them about what’s going on with them and NOT talking about our wedding. But, it’s harder and harder to connect. Some of them has said mean, undermining comments about relationships, marriage, etc. I know that much of it might come from jealousy but it is hurtful and to the point where with some of them I don’t really want to be friends anymore. Did anyone else getting “older” in life encouter this jealousy?
Post # 3
I have had a similar experience with some younger girlfriends who are rather promiscuous on the dating scene. I think that jealousy is natural to see in unmarried/unattached friends no matter what the age. I know how you feel about the hurtful comments…I get them quite a bit now. Maybe they just feel less important to you? I’ve noticed that my younger girlfriends (I am 29, they are 25) have started to exclude me from social conversation. I have started to think that maybe they are just trying to reconnect in their own way. Is that what your friends are doing? Do you have any married friends? Maybe try to do more things with them. There is a lady who I’m really close with who’s married and am even closer with now because we can hang out as couples.
Post # 4
I am having a similar experience with my girlfriends my age (we are all 23-25). They are doing things together, confiding in each other, etc. I feel left out at best, and sometimes even used (when we do hang out, I feel it’s just because my condo is downtown close to all the bars). I also feel like back when I was single, they would listen more to my relationship advice, but now they just dismiss it (how is that logical???)
Granted, I have less time for them now, but that has been the reality ever since I moved in with my FI (then BF), and I feel this alienation started when we got engaged (although maybe I am just noticing it now).
What I’m trying to say is – you’re not alone in this! I am definitely trying to find new (and lost old) friends to hang out with, but it’s hard – my group has been inseparable for years.
Post # 5
You are not alone! My single friends have become disinterested in my relationship with my FI ever since they found out we were talking marriage, most especially now that we are engaged. Previously they wanted to hear all about it, chomping at the bits for drama, etc. Now that I am wedding planning I rarely hear from them. It was frustrating at first, then I found this website and you guys have been extremely supportive.
I don’t go to them for anything wedding-related except to get their suggestions for alcoholic drink recipes for our signature drink 😉 I save my wedding-related talk for WeddingBee or my married/in serious relationship friends.
Post # 6
I just want to share my thoughts on this subject. I have been at both end of this situation. And the only advice I can give is…..Do Not Take It Personally.
I am the last to get married and I don’t have any children either so I went through this process twice. I’m now 32. My friends started getting married at 24 and shortly after, all got baby bumps.
I’m not saying all, but for most single ladies….certainly in my case when i was younger and single…..When my friends got engaged, I felt betrayed, as in “You are my Wing Woman, how could you do this to me???!!!!”
Not only that but, like it or not Ladies, it’s a bit of a slap to our face and pride when a friend get’s engaged…..And we are still out and about kissing frogs, hoping the next slimeball turns out to be prince charming.
And that’s when we get the weird reactions from our friends.
Then! when all my friends got pregnant, I also got the look that says, “I don’t want to talk to you, what do you know about babies, you can’t help me.”
Post # 7
Sigh.. like Ms Cunningham, I’ve been on both ends of this. What I can tell you is that if they are true friends, once the wedding planning is over and you settle into marriage, it should go back to normal. I think it’s hard for anyone to relate to planning a wedding (I certainly couldn’t through all of my friends getting married) if they aren’t doing it. Now, I already find myself talking people’s ears off and boring them, even the ones who are married, and we just started planning! But once all the drama and all-consuming process of the wedding is over, I’m sure your relationship will be back to normal. If they are really just interested in drama, sounds more like a friendship that maybe wasn’t going to last forever in the first place. I know my friendships with friends has changed through the years with marriages and babies, but the true friends don’t really go anywhere.
Post # 8
My older sisters do the same thing. They are both unmarried and single. They are cynical about marriage, etc. THey can be real negative. I am sure they have some weird feelings coming up because baby sister is getting married. I also have accomplished a lot more in life than them, and I think this is the last thing probably pushes the elephant over the edge… They are not even my bridesmaids because that stirred up a lot of Drama unfortunately 🙁 I’m 30 and my sisters are 33 and 36. I just hope things will get better with them in time….
Post # 9
Most of my friends are in their early to mid 30s and I did have a similar reaction from one of my oldest friends. My friend was there the night we told everyone we’d got engaged and every other person congratulated us, hugged us and so on – except for this guy. Since then he has been really distant and made a few snarky comments, I don’t think he’s really aware of it though and it’s more a reflection of his very trouble love life.
I guess when you get to 30 reality often hits home and if you’re far away from having a stable relationship it can be hard to handle the realization that your life hasn’t worked out the way you thought it would. Like Mrs Cunningham2B says, don’t take it personally and try and look past it.
Sometimes friends grow apart when life takes you in different directions, but your real friends will be in your life regardless of your different stages of life.
Post # 10
There have been a few people who make comments. My grandma mostly. She is a man-hater big time so she says crap all the time. I had a couple of co-workers who barely know me or my relationship say some snotty things about marriage and it kinda ticked me off. Then I talked to my MOH about it and she said “just ignore them who are they to tell you anything about marriage when they are not even married?” The way I look at it is everybody is different. Some marriages suck and some are wonderful. It depends on the two people involved and nobody has the right to make you feel bad about something that you are obviously very happy about. If they are going to try and make you feel bad about your impending marriage then they dont deserve to be your friends anymore. Have you tried talking to them about it? Some people speak without thinking how it is making the other person feel. Maybe they dont realize they are being so hurtful to you. I would talk to them and if they continue to do it then I would say, sayonara to the friendship.
Post # 11
I did encounter friendship changes with my single girls. You’ve turned a page in your life, and you may find yourself more drawn to your friends who are married simply because you will be sharing the same issues and can understand each other more. The single girls sense that, and it’s bound to hurt a bit. Or, friends may even be confused/upset over a man taking their place as most important supporter. I’d try to still make your single friends know you’re around and you care, but accept that things do change. This is just a natural point in life.
Post # 12
Omg I just had an argument lastnite w/ my sister who happens to b my best friend. So sad how people try to bring negativity to ur bliss!!!! I may have to start a post jus to vent GRRR!!
Post # 13
I don’t have a lot of friends, so maybe I’m not the best person to comment on this topic but I’ll put in my two cents. I have found that with the friends I DO have it’s much easier when you are in similar life circumstances/stages.
For instance, my college roommate, who I just adored, has a baby and a busy job and I hardly ever hear from her anymore.. I do support her life choices by sending gifts, etc., but I suspect that over time we’ll have less and less in common. I try not to take it personally
With another friend, we were both single when we met each other and shortly thereafter we started dating our current fiances. Even though she is a new friend, I feel I’ve gotten much closer to her because we shared this experience at the same time. Also, we are now “couples friends” and the four of us can do things together. Also, she will understand if I don’t want to get together on Saturday night, etc. She and I are both “nesting” (decorating our places) and as a matter of fact we both became unemployed at the same time, so that’s something else we have in common too!
I guess my point isn’t that it is necessary to be in the same place as your friends, but it sure helps. Maybe only some friendships are able to remain connected otherwise. It depends on how much else you have in common (interests, etc.) and how open and accepting both sides are.
Post # 14
I’ve also been on both sides of this. I always was one of the single friends, watching “another one bite the dust” so to speak. The group of us that used to go out and have a good time got smaller and smaller. I have to agree about stages of life. Also, you have to be a little patient. I know when I was single, and I hit 30 (I’m 35 now) I kind of felt like I missed out on everything (marriage, kids, mini-van…you know what I mean). And as much as I tried to be supportive, I was envious of the brides and the new moms. I got over it though. I think the main difference is that some people are better at putting a smile on their face through those things, and others can’t hide it well. I hope that makes sense.
Post # 15
I think this happens a lot. When I got engaged (or in a serious relationship for that matter) it was really hard for me to explain to my girlfriends things like, “No I can’t go to that random guy’s house after drinks because that’s not appropriate,” or, “Sorry I can’t make it to your girls weekend getaway because I’m spending the long weekend with my FI’s family.” A couple girls just wanted me to be my old single self and I simply couldn’t anymore. Needless to say I found out who my true friends are. I lost most of my single friends because we weren’t on the same page anymore.
Post # 16
this happened to me from one of my maids of honor. she maid some sort of comment about how she thought it was so weird that i was excited about my wedding because i was never like that before (i was also never engaged before). it’s hard. it’s hard to hear something like that when i feel like i’ve gone out of my way to limit how much i talk about the wedding and talk to her about non-wedding related things in both my life and hers. and it’s hard because i feel like i want to project positive feelings about the wedding, especially to those people who i have asked to be invovled in the wedding because i want them to be excited! i’m just trying to keep being positive, and limiting the wedding talk to other people. it has made me withdraw a little from her, though, which is sad. 🙁