(Closed) Having trouble deciding on waiting for the wedding ceremony or not

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

First, here is what I would do in this situation: have an intimate wedding in NY near his grandmother with close friends and family, with a pastor, as soon as it makes sense to do so, then make love with peace of mind.  If family and religion are this important to you, that should probably take priority over the urge to start making love with someone you will have the opportunity to be with for the rest of your life.  Right now it might seem agonizing to wait, but if you might regret NOT waiting, it is safest to wait until you feel confident that your marriage is valid legally and in the eyes of G-d.

But, you never mentioned your reasons for wanting a court wedding so fast.  Is it necessary for some reason, or are you just eager to be married? And why have it in Florida? Do you have to have it there, or could you travel?

Since you are not sure that you like the idea of a court marriage without a pastor, not sure if that a court marriage is valid enough that you would be comfortable making love, and not sure what to do about his family coming, I would say wait, think things through, and only get married and have sex when you do not doubt that you are doing things the right way for you.

Btw, if you are legally married, then unless you are part of a church like the Catholic church that requires a church wedding to be recognized in the Church, I would say as soon as you have that ceremony, you are probably good to go, sex-wise.  But you don’t need my permission!  Do what you know deep down to be right for you and your FI.

 

I hope this helps!

Post # 5
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

What kind of wedding do you most want to have?  A small wedding in NY, a bigger wedding in FL, or a court house wedding?  Because while I get wanting to be with your soulmate right away (my FI and I were talking marriage the second day we met, and are getting married on our 3 year anniversary) it is also important to have the wedding you want!  I would not compromise (much) for your mother, your father, his grandma, your friends, your sex drive…have the kind of wedding you will look back on in 20 years and remember fondly, without regret.  If you are lucky, you only get one wedding in your lifetime, so make it count!

 

And yes, do what feels right for your mind, body, and heart.  Talk with your FI, make sure you will both look back with nothing but joy on your first time.  I can’t imagine that having a courthouse wedding, then moving in, then waiting to have sex until the religious ceremony, would cause anything but frustration/you jumping on each other and possibly regretting it later if you promised to wait.  So think about it, be sure, and go with your gut!

 

Im so happy you found your soulmate!

Post # 7
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

So, can you not have the big wedding soon because of money issues, time constraints, or because of what you said earlier about your dad not wanting you to getmarried while you were in school (which I don’t understand if he’s ok with the court marriage)?  You can definitely do a big wedding soon, on a small budget, if that’s what you really want–a lot of Bees have done weddings on short notice, without breaking the bank, that made them really happy.  And I think I your parents know you’re an adult and you are going to get married no matter what, they will probably agree to help you with the kind ofwedding you want eventually–even if there are some disagreements.

 

Post # 8
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

* if your parents know.  When I type on my phone it will autocorrect an already correct word to something else sometimes!

Post # 9
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Long story short, there’s no way you can make everyone happy.  If your FI’s grandma can’t travel, she probably can’t attend, and he may just have to accept that.  If you want a wedding that your family has some disagreements about, it’s not going to be perfect and it’s not going to please everyone.  But in the end, I think they’ll be happy you’re happy, and you can always send a video of the ceremony to Grandma or let her watch it live on Skype.

Post # 11
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why not just have a small ceremony with a pastor and a few witnesses at the church one day (just get the marriage license) and then you will be married before God so there will be no doubts. I’m sure your pastor wouldn’t have a problem with this. Just a quick ceremony. Have your FI’s grandma and just your parents there if you want. Then you are officially married and can choose whether or not to have a larger celebration later.

Post # 12
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Since all the family stuff, now that you’ve explained, really complicates things, I think doing something like what Kate0558suggested seems to be your best option. 

Post # 13
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

To make things simple…

I can tell you, as a Christian (unless you are specifically Catholic, in which case I believe they require you to be married in a Catholic church), that God does indeed recognize courthouse marriages. πŸ˜‰ Plenty of people elope at the courthouse and never have a big ceremony. You go, you make your public vows before God and witnesses, and enter into a legally binding marriage.

After that, he’s your husband, and the two of you can be together physically with a clear conscience, even if you haven’t had the party to celebrate it yet.

That being said, you should never feel pressured into doing something that you believe in your heart is a sin. Don’t go against your conscience. πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

A court house ‘marriage’ is still a marriage and no less so than a church wedding/marriage.  If you really cannot wait (which in my personal opinion I think you should), then you can go ahead and consumate the marriage after you have your courthouse nuptials.  I don’t see why you would want to get married at a courthouse and then wait to have sex with your HUSBAND until you had another ‘wedding’.  

It is personal choice though so you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

Post # 15
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@rachelmichelle:  I don’t get this. God recognizes civil marriage? Since when?

I’m an extremely liberal Christian but getting married by a pastor is a must. Do civil weddings even mention God?

 

Post # 16
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It was extremely important to me to be married in a church by a pastor, so I wouldn’t want a courthouse wedding. That being said, if you decided to have a courthouse wedding, why would you wait until your next wedding to have sex? 

 

What if you would have a small church ceremony in NY so that his grandmother can attend and just have parents and a few good friends/relatives attend? 

Then, maybe later on you can have a huge wedding or reception in Florida. Or you can wait for a few years and just renew your vows. But if his grandmother being there is important, I definitely think you guys should try to make sure she’s there. =)

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