Post # 1
So, My SO recently moved out of his parents’ house and into my apartment with me, and his mother is not handling it well. She said she was fine with it when he first told her about it, but now she’s constantly trying to guilt trip him into coming home.
He’s 25 years old, but she treats him like he’s 9. This was a main reason why he jumped at the chance to move in with me. She’s constantly guilt tripping him into spending time with his 21 year old brother, who would rather sit around all day and play video games. I never understood this and I would say things like “Why would you cancel our plans so you could spend time with your brother? You live in the same house. You can see him anytime.” Now I get that it’s because his mom was making him do it.
Now that he lives with me, she’s constantly calling him, and begging him to come over. They had us over for a barbeque the other night, and we ended up staying until midnight because she kept coming up with reasons for us to stay, and she’s not the kind of person who takes no for an answer. She also said that she wants to have a barbeque every Thursday.
I understand she misses him, but he is visibly miserable when he is at their house. He physically tenses up and his whole personality changes. I don’t like seeing him like this, so naturally, I’d rather not go over there if we don’t have to. His parents are both very pushy people, so I understand why he gets so uncomfortable.
We’re going away this weekend, so he went over to his parents’ house just to do laundry and to see his dog, and naturally his mom tried to get him to spend the night. He said no because he wanted to come home to me tonight and his mom said…”You live together. You can see her anytime.”
Oh, how the tables have turned…
Is this happening to anyone else? How are you dealing with it?
Post # 3
I don’t know that you need to deal with it. He does. Why does he not have a frank conversation with his mother?
Post # 4
Oh, girl I feel for you. My SO’s mom isn’t directly pushy, but she makes this sad face and you feel terrible telling her no. When we moved out a few months ago (and we’re only about ten minutes away now!) she started showing up with things we “need”, popping in for random dinners, and calling him every weekend because she needs help doing simple things around the house.
He’s a nice guy, so he almost always says yes, but we talked about it more recently and both agreed that it’s not exactly a normal relationship. She wants us over for dinner at least once a week too, and it seriously interferes with our schedule, time with friends, etc., especially considering we both work full time.
It’s hard, but I would recommend setting boundaries as soon as possible. Last time SO’s mom popped in, I was in a towel since I just got out of the shower. She looked startled, and was like “Oh, sorry!” I politely asked her to call next time. We also turned down dinner last night – but I had to make him do it. If she thinks you’re the one saying no she might start to resent you “keeping him from her”. Just my two cents – good luck!
Post # 5
It’s going to take some time. When I first met my FI he had moved in with his mother (she’s 84) to take care of her since his dad had passed away and all of his siblings live hours away. When he moved in with me there was an adjustment period for her, big time. Luckily for us (most of the time, anyway) she lives right around the corner from us so we can spend a lot of time with her and still care for her.
At first he went over to her house every single day and it drove me nuts. He would also come home feeling a little down because of the guilt trip thing. He felt so torn! But I told him that I would never want him to abandon her and that I would help him in any way possible to care for her. I let him know I understood his feelings and was there for him.
I also told him to slowly wean her off and put limits on her demands. It took several months but we’ve all now adjusted to a more reasonable schedule.
In your case, getting his Mom on your side is to your benefit. If it takes you being little Miss Mary Sunshine for a while, then do it. After all, she’s your future MIL. I’m lucky because my FI’s Mom loves me to death! I won her over with my charm.
Your SO is between a rock and a hard place but he’ll figure it out with your help, compassion, love and understanding. Do not give him a hard time about this! Be there for him, understand it’s a difficult family adjustment and give it some time. It will all work out and everyone will be fine.
He’s going to have to learn to kindly, but firmly, put limits on his family. Tell him this wearing some sexy lingerie that he can’t resist you in, hehe.
Post # 6
@readynwaiting58: Oh yeah, that reminds me. They randomly showed up a few days ago to give us an air conditioner we didn’t need or ask for. I had just gotten home from work and wanted to just relax, and the first thing SO says when I walk in the door is “My parents are coming over and I have no idea when”.
Thank god the place wasn’t a mess! I tried to make everything as perfect as possible anyway (because, come on, they are basically my in-laws) and all they did was come in the front door, hand us the air conditioner, and leave. haha
It really stinks that they are notorious for doing two of my biggest pet peeves:
-Showing up unannounced or with very little warning
-Forcing people to eat when they aren’t hungry
Post # 7
Sunfire, you’re so awesome! You seriously make my day sometimes! 🙂