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I am a registered user on here. I had to create a new username to make this post, literally for privacy reasons. This is long, so thank you to anyone who reads and gives feedback.
The other day, before I left for a trip, my boyfriend said we needed to have a serious discussion about our future when I got back. Literally right before I left for the trip. I kind of flipped out, but he said it was nothing to worry about. Still, I was kind of angry. The night before, we had gone to Tiffany's. He had bought me a sterling silver ring that was already tarnishing (after a couple of days) and I wanted to see what they could do for me. I figured we might be able to look around a bit too. His brother came with us, and even though his brother isn't planning on proposing for at least a year, he at least asked the salesperson questions, took pamphlets, and was generally interested. My boyfriend went straight to a chair and showed no interest. I figured our serious discussion would be about this, but no it was not.
Backtrack to a year ago around Thanksgiving. About two months before, I had tried to have a discussion with him about our future. We were 21, but had been together around 3 years, and I wanted to know where he saw us heading. He would not talk about it at all. I asked for his five year plan, he wouldn't give me anything. Nothing. I waited about two months for him to bring it up. He never did. I asked him again around Thanksgiving, and he said he thought we had different timelines. He didn't want to get married till around 27 or 28, and wanted kids even later than that. Okay, that's fine, but that's not what I wanted. I told him I wanted to break up, and we did.
I went my separate way, I even joined a dating site and went on a few dates with a guy. We were broken up for about a month and a half. During this time, he was absolutely desperate for me. Apparently he changed his mind, he wanted me back, he wanted everything I did and at the same time, ect. He went so far as to email/call my mom and tell her how much he wanted to be with me, as he knows I'm very close to my mom and take her advice seriously. He said he would propose tomorrow, within a month, whenever, and we could get married when we graduated. Okay. I strung him along a bit, just to make sure he wouldn't change his tune. Well, shortly after we get back together, suddenly he doesn't want to get engaged for a year (right around Christmas 2011). I was a little upset, but I figured okay, a year isn't too bad. It would be right around the time I was graduating, he would graduate a semester after, and we could get married in a year or two.
Well I just got back from having our serious discussion. He apparently searched the username I use for everything, and found me on this site. He said it scared him that I was so obsessed with getting married. I asked him why he would do that, and he said because he was bored. I said that was upsetting and hurtful, and he didn't seem remorseful at all.
He's also apparently changed his mind about absolutely everything we talked about before. I've always invited him to talk to me about the future, and to raise any concerns. He's apparently been holding back for a while. He said he thinks I'm rushing things now. I had talked about wanting to get married in 2013, when we're 24. He said he thought that was early, he didn't want to get married till at least 26. He said he thought my only goals in life were to get married and have kids, and what was I going to do after that. Yes, those are my most important goals, so those are the things I look forward to/talk about the most. It doesn't mean that it's all I want.
There are just so many things he brought up, like the fact that I don't exercise. Yes, I understand I need to exercise, however it's not like I'm overweight. I do want to start exercising, but I wanted to do it on my terms and because I wanted to, not because he pushed me to. I don't eat the way he does and the way he wants me to apparently. I've always said I want to stay in our hometown, because I want to be near my parents, and I'm likely to be the only child who has grandkids for them. Granted, we live in a major city, so it's not like we couldn't find jobs here, or like it's boring/suffocating. I've made this clear ever since we started talking about our future together, and have invited him to tell me if he thought that might be a problem, so we could decide what to do. He's always insisted it wasn't. Now, apparently, it worries him. He basically asked what if his brother started a business over in another country (where he lives), would I not want to go with him and take a great opportunity? Honestly? No. I want to be near my family. That's more important to me than being wealthy/rich/having a super awesome job. Mind you, my job is nothing to sneeze at. I will be a nurse. I will make a moderate amount of money, plenty to live on.
He said I have no interests. Granted, I have let a few of my interests slip, and I was planning on working on that. But I wouldn't say I have no interests. My interests just tend to change rapidly, while he tends to have one or two interests he sticks with for a long time.
He also said something about how he has been looking at rings, and thinking about proposing. I asked him to show me what he was looking at, and he said I wouldn't like his favorite one. I asked why not, and he said because it was red and green and blue, and nothing like the ones I showed him. The ones I showed him have all been diamond, as I'm pretty traditional on engagement rings. I just don't understand why a ring I will wear (supposedly) the rest of my life became all about him. Yes, I do want him to like it, but the rings he was looking at (by description) were not my style at all. Completely opposite my style, actually.
I asked if he thought he loved me like he should. He said he did, yes. I asked if he respected me completely, He said he mostly did, but not the way I take care of myself.
Basically, I left it at "I need to think this over."
There are just so many other things he said, and I may update this thread as I remember more, but this is the gist of it. I pretty much know what I'm going to do, but I just had to get this out there. I had to tell how in disbelief I am, and how absurd this is. I still can't believe it. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.
Oh dear. Run, just run. I'm sorry.
ETA: he doesn't respect you and is pulling up stupid sh*t to excuse his behaviour. He is not ready to get married.
(((hugs))) So sorry you are going through this... I won't give you any advice cause you said you already know what you want to do but I hope whatever you decide works out in the end.
@natbug21: Yeah, just so everyone knows, I do plan to end it. I was going to give myself a few days to think it over completely, but yeah...I think it's done.
I think you guys are on completely different pages, and you (both) are probably too comfortable to think about leaving. You've been together since you were like 18, right? Not that theres anything wrong with that, but in situations like these it seems you guys grew in different directions stimutaneously. And this is basically all you both know, which explains why he started freaking out when you guys broke up for that time. He realized his everyday routine was different now, and that can freak someone out if they can't recognize it for what it really is.
He obviously isn't going to change his mind about waiting for marriage, and that really sucks that he lied to you about it. I suggest that you take some time apart and possibly ultimately end it. Go back on that dating site after a few months to yourself and remember how awesome you are! There is nothing wrong with the goals you have, you just need to find someone who shares them.
Also, it would really benefit you to take up hobbies and old interests at this point, because it will really make you feel good AND keep your mind off this.
I hope everything ends well....good luck!
Ok, I made it through the whole thing, so I feel Ok about saying you need some time off from him. Possibly not permanently, but at least enough to prioritize what is important to you.
It is not OK for him to be saying you don't take care of yourself, especially if you are not overweight, and even if you were, unless your health is at risk he should keep his mouth shut. I could never be with someone who tried to force a negative self image on me and I don't think you should be either.
You want such different things, I think you should find someone more on the same page with you. The last time you left him he begged and said he would change and he didn't. If it were me I wouldn't give him the chance to do that again.
He said he "mostly respects you"? What does that even mean?
I agree with PP who said it sounds like he is making up some pretty silly excuses. I try to be very understanding when excuses make sense, such as he is saving up money or wants to graduate first. But saying he doesn't want to get engaged because you don't exercise enough? Ridiculous!
Sorry you're going through this.
I'm very very sorry.
From what I see, he acted kinda prickish, and then turned it into a picking you apart and amplifying your flaws discussion to deflect. :(
So, yeah I think you should take some time to really really think about this. Honestly, I wouldn't stay with him. Life is too damn short to be struggling with these kind of issues when you could be out having fun!
However, it is your choice, and I do not know the whole story. He does not seem anywhere close to getting married. I really just don't see this working out.
Edit: I just see that you posted you are mostly likely going to end it. If that is true, we are here for you still.
I'm really sorry! You can do so much better than this! Please run and do it quickly before he wastes anymore of your time! Good Luck!
@MademoiselleL: He did say he wants to graduate/have a job first, but it's everything else he said that makes me angry. Also, before I was ready to walk away, and was okay with the breakup, and he got me back by making a bunch of promises I don't think he ever meant to keep.
Thanks to everyone for your replies. I did read them all. At this point, I have to go to bed, as my head hurts so much from crying. I will respond more tomorrow.
Just to clarify, it's not like I don't have interests It's just that I don't have set interests. He has pretty much one thing he likes to do, that he would sit home and do all day. I like to try different things, and don't settle on one thing too long. I love to travel. I just went to an amusement park with my family. I'm going to the Harry Potter premiere. I have tickets for a baseball game this weekend. I just went to my brother's house the other day, we were going to go water tubing, but ended up just swimming, biking and cooking. My boyfriend refused to go. I do things, I just don't do the same things over and over again. I get bored and hate to sit home.
Uhg I've dated guys like this one. It sounds like he's got a lot of maturing left to do, and I would let him do it.
I woudln't want an engagment and for my better half to be not whole heartedly 100% into it.
I'm glad I didn't stay with that one guy because I moved on and found someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and is on the same page as far as a life plan.
((Hugs))
First of all, I'm very very sorry you are dealing with this. However, I really think it seems like he doesn't want what you want, so is trying to create "flaws" he finds in you (by turning nit picky nonsense into much larger issues) so he has an excuse to make you feel like it's fault and deflect the blame from himself. It isn't your fault. If he can't be an adult and tell you that he just isn't ready for what you want, and that it isn't your fault, then it doesn't sound like he's mature enough to be getting married. And to be completely frank, him telling you that he loves you, but doesn't fully respect you? These two really go hand in hand. Sorry if this all sounds preachy, I just think you can find someone who tells you that they fully respect and love you wether you're hitting the gym frequently or not.
Sounds like you deserve better then what he is willing to give you. Sorry you're going through a tough time. We're here for you.
As I read your post, your boyfriend reminds me of my ex boyfriend. He kept telling me things he wanted me to change about myself (the gym, the eating habits). I found myself giving in and changing so much about me, just because I wanted him around and I thought that if I didn't stick with him, I wouldn't find anybody else and I would be an old maid (yes, I'm a bit dramatic :-)). We both wanted different things, he wanted to travel and see the world before settling down while I wanted to stay in our hometown and raise our family there. We had the talk about getting married. Heck, we even named our kids!
We ended up breaking up when he went to study abroad. I was hurt, crushed beyond all belief. It was really hard to swallow. As I got further away from the breakup, I started to see some of these things that weren't present at the time.
You sound like you are much stronger and much more in tune with yourself than I was. It does sound like you guys want different things. I know it's hard to break up with someone you have been with for so many years. It will hurt, but you know what? You really will meet someone else, someone who matches up with what you want. I wish you all the best!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. He does not deserve you! It sounds like he is about 5 years behind you in the "growing up" department. You should not have to sacrifice your wants and needs for his selfishness. I can't say it enough: you deserve more than what he is willing to give. ((((HUGS))))
If I'm reading your post correctly, it seems that you already have your mind up to end this relationship, and I totally agree with that. Your bf seems selfish and immature. Immature in the sense that clearly, you know what you want in life, and he seems to still be toying with the idea of marriage, and life in general. It seems that the future is unknown to him, but I don't think he wants the same things out of life that you do. I think you need to distance yourself from this situation for a few days, and come back with a clear mind. The decision you make has to be right for you, no one else. Make yourself happy because life is too short!
@keepsmiling19: I totally agree. I was in the same boat, with slight differences.
Men (or boys) who aren't ready to commit will show it through excuses. It wouldn't matter if you're 18 or 28, a man who is head over heels about you would want to marry you ASAP.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you need to look past your boyfriend's a-holeish behavior and see one very important message. He wants to be sure that you both develop yourselves before you commit to a lifetime together. I don't think this is a bad message, just bad delivery. He wants both of you to be healthy, develop your own personal interests, start a career, become fulfilled as an individual before you get married and start your life together. I don't disagree with him.
A lot of girls put all of their eggs in one basket of "after x years of dating, we will get married, and have babies and live happily ever after." They stop investing in themselves because they see their future as a couple and obtaining that goal becomes their only focus. i think your BF sees you on this path, and realizes that it leaves many people feeling empty when their lives don't turn out exactly as they dreamed.
I would take this chance to embrace yourself, and find out what makes you happy, healthy and successful without depending on someone else to give those things to you.
This sounds rough, but having read through your story, it seems you guys want different things. I understand the history and the emotions you have tied up with him, but why let someone keep your hopes up for unclear reasons? I say:
- take time off, maybe forever, maybe not;
- clear your head and be single for a month or two
- re-evaluate what you want in life (though it sounds like your goals are pretty clear)
- work on your own interests
- decide on whether you want to continue something that has been unclear, neither-here-nor-there relationship, or start something new
I'm sorry if this sounds heartless (and it is not meant to be), but to an outside looking in, this scenario looks like you're hanging on to something that has repeatedly not worked well for you.
Good luck!
*hugs*
I'm so sorry. You know in your heart what you need to do. You're both so young, and I'm sure it's scary to think about leaving the person who's been with you since you were 18. But... no partner should ever treat you like that. Period.
Make a clean break of it. Find some interests that you like, and become really, really good at them. :) Meet interesting people, and do interesting things. Eventually, if you want to, you'll find someone again who treats you right and has the same goals that you do.
I think its unfortunate that he lured you into coming back, for what reason, I'm not sure. But it sounds like you have made your decision, and I agree with what you plan to do.
((HUGS)) I am also like you, where I have a lot of different interests, and always want to try new things. Just be thankful that you are still young enough to find someone who shares your life path and will give you the life you want and deserve
As much as this hurts, I would advise you to leave. It sounds like you guys have completely different timelines on what you want, if you'll ever want the same things.
I can sympathize with both of you. I understand your hurt because you love him and want to be with him, but I understand him as well. I was the one that never wanted to settle down early and wanted a good career to come before kids and such. As I got older, my priorities changed and now I'm ready to have kids and no matter how much I love my DH, settling down and marrying was terrifying for me. (I'll add though that not for one second have I ever regretted it.) Basically, what I'm getting at is, you have to respect is wishes too. Staying in a relationship and pushing the things that you want, when he is not ready for them is not healthy for either of you. :(
I admire your strength in leaving him. Yes, it will be difficult at first, but you sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. I was sickened by the fact that he said you don't exercise enough, eat like him, or have any interests. Don't change that if you don't want to! If that's how you live your life, then that's who you are. If he has a problem with it, then he doesn't love YOU for who you are. Don't even get me started on the ring thing....wow.
You are still so young. You will be absolutely fine without him. Keep us updated!
He only "mostly" respects you because the part where he dosen't respect you is stalking you online and then using your private thoughts against you.
I'm so sorry. He is making up excuses because what he said earlier in your relationship is the true him. Like PP said, he's not ready for marriage. These things he's accusing of: Lack of interests, not exercising...that's rubbish. That's like if I look at my husband who is perfect for me and nitpick and say "You watch Mantracker too much". It's silly and juvenile.
I'm glad you realize that you are important too and this time...should he come running back again...I would make him wait months before you enter a dating relationship. (If that is what you want of course. But what you deserve is someone who FULLY respects you ALL the time). HUGS
You should read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Last-One-Down-Aisle-Wins/dp/0312628056/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1310485188&sr=1-1
The more that you focus on yourself and what you want for you life, the more clear it becomes whether or not he is compatible with that.
Good luck!
You know it. I know it. RUN!
Mostly respecting you is not good enough. Trying to take you down over rubbish ideas that you're not healthy enough or interesting enough more than justifies leaving. Your self-esteem is not a negotiable instrument for why he should or should not marry you. He's being a scared little baby - and you know what, he has a right to be - single and alone for as long as he wants. You also have a right to leave him for someone who will respect you always and not use ridiculous excuses that could effect your self-esteem and self-image (although it seems you have a very healthy esteem) when he feels scared, confused and insecure.
I think what bothers me the most in this situation is that he was "bored" enough to invade your personal thoughts on weddingbee and then use them against you (say you are "obsessed with getting married"). It just shows the lack of respect that he has for you.
He should concider himself lucky that you are "obsessed with getting married" to HIM!
Hugs to you and I hope things work out the way you want them to.
I agree with the PP - why would he look on weddingbee under your username - I think he was just looking for ammunition to use against you as a reason for not wanting to get married yet.
If he REALLY wanted to marry you - he would be flattered by your posts hoping for a proposal, and not react like a immature teen.
Sorry - but I had experience with a "boy" who told me everything just to keep me - but no actions!
Oh, I also asked him what he saw for himself in the future. He said a typical day for him would be to wake up at 8, go for a run, go to a job he loves with people he likes, come home and hug his wife, and sit with his kids for a while. Really? Because it sounds like kids and a wife just complete the picture for you.
I am reading everything, and I am taking the advice seriously.
I completely agree with some of the other bees: RUN!
I was with a guy on and off for around 5 years. I was completely head over heels in love with him. He was hot and cold. He never treated me badly per se.....he was always respectful, he wasn't abusive in any way. He was a really good person, but just completely unsure of himself and what he wanted. For 6 months we'd be happy, he'd talk about marriage, babies, baby names. I'd be totally blissed-out. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it was "we're moving too fast. I don't know. I'm not ready". We'd separate, and 3 months later he'd be back.... "I love you! I want to marry you! I want you to be the mother of my children! PLEASE take me back!". This went on for WAY too long. I wasted the first half of my 20's on this guy, always hoping that he'd finally decide he was ready for a committed relationship. We flip-flopped all the way to the end, until I finally decided it was enough. I was done. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I cut communication with him completely. No calls, no stopping by work, no emails, no texts, NOTHING. I was an emotional wreck for the first 3 months. Then I was better.
You have to free yourself up so that you're available when the ONE comes along. Don't waste any more time with a guy who isn't SURE he wants you and only you, forever! 6 months after I ended it I moved 1500km away. 2 months after that I met my FI. The guy who told me he loved me after 3 weeks. The guy who asked me to move in with him after 3 months. The guy who proposed a year later.
Don't settle for anything less than a guy who can tell you with complete honesty and complete surety that you're everything he'll ever want for the rest of his life. If there's any doubt on his end, get rid of him.
PP's have said so much already, so i will just say that you two are not at the same place in life, and I personally would never want to be with a man who goes to such levels to snoop and then justifies it.
You deserve so much better, and you deserve someone who wants to be with you, without all of the excuses. End of story.
Um...he mostly respects you?!?! Not ok at all! I also think it's a big red flag that he was "bored", so he came onto weddingbee and stalked you. Not cool! It sounds like you want to end the relationship, and I can't say I disagree :( At least you're smart enough to ditch the guy that sounds like a jerk and find someone who totally respects you and who is on the same page as you.
@CanAmBride: I'd agree with you, if he went about it a different way. A guy wants he & his girl to be healthy? Go for a walk together. Help make a healthy dinner. Not "you never exercise!" Know what I mean? Just my two cents.
@pinkandgold: I really am sorry for what you are going through. It's a sh*tty situation to be in. But take this from someone who's been around the block a few times. He's so not ready to be married and his nitpicking of you will do nothing but ruin your self-esteem. Good luck. I wish you strength in going through this.
Oh honey, it made me so sad to read your post. The bottom line is that your bf wants to have a girlfriend, not a wife, until some magical point in the future when he is ready. There's no crime in him not being ready, but it is unfair for him to claim he has changed his mind (in order to get you back), and then pull the rug out from under you. Girls often get flack for being engagement and marriage oriented, but there's no shame in knowing what you want. You guys are on completely different pages of life, and it honestly sounds like your bf doesn't much like who you are right now (not enough interests, no working out). That's no basis to make a lifelong committment. I think he went looking for you on WeddingBee to try and make this about your "obsession" with getting married, rather than his reluctance to break up with you despite very different wants and needs. I'm sorry. I dated a man for six years who was the same way. He couldn't see marrying me, but didn't want to lose me. Eventually I realized that wanting to get married did not make me a nagging shrew, and I broke up with him. Five years later I am married to a wonderful man who shows me every day that the right relationship isn't a daily struggle.
Please don't let him change how you think about yourself. If you believe you have hobbies, you are healthy, and you are happy... then don't let him take that away! You sound like you do plenty of exciting things and just because these might not fall into his idea of "having a hobby" doesn't mean you're not active and enjoying life.
I think the hardest part was taking it off of facebook. It sounds stupid, but it's so final. Anyway, I really hate the people who feel the need to make a-hole comments on changed relationship statuses on facebook. Some guy wrote "sucks to be her" and some girl liked it on his status.
I'm sorry, but your future fiance should love you unconditionally for who you are. And this guy sounds a little too selfish and manipulative, at least at this point. It sounds like he never meant what he said about getting married earlier, but said whatever he had to in order to get you back at the time and now that he has to pay up (propose) he's finding a way to sabatoge the deal, but blame it on YOU. You don't eat well enough. You don't have enough interests. You don't have enough goals. Your goals aren't important enough. Your style of ering isn't what HE wants you to have.
I think you are incredibly mature to be able to see it this way and break things off. This time though, don't take him back if he promises to propose. It sounds like he really needs a LOT of time without you to see clearly. He will probably do whatever he can at first to get you back, bu once he does the same thing will happen all over again.
I'm so sorry your going through this right now *********HUGS****** This guy does not deserve you and seems like such a douche bag. I say end things with him it's obvious your on totally different pages. You deserve so much better than him and the only way to get that is to let him go. It's his lost not yours if you ask me your better without him in your life. Good Luck in whatever you decide if you need anymore help we are here for you.
@pinkandgold: People on facebook can be pretty immature. I'd pay no attention to them, and just place them on the block list. I wish you the best of luck in the future, but for now busy yourself with what you love, and you'll meet someone when the time is right. Someone who fully respects you, not just 'mostly'.
This sounds exactly like my ex - he would always tell me I wasn't working out enough, eating right, that I wasn't interested in enough things. Eventually I broke up with him and it took a while for my self esteem to heal, life is so much better now!
Why would you want to be with someone that 'mostly' respects you? That is such crap on his behalf! Also - you should never apologise for wanting what you want. You love him, so you want to marry him and he told you that was happening shortly, so why can't you read and get support from women in the same position as you?
I hope it all goes really well for you and rely on your family and friends in this time!
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