- 7 years ago
I am a registered user on here. I had to create a new username to make this post, literally for privacy reasons. This is long, so thank you to anyone who reads and gives feedback.
The other day, before I left for a trip, my boyfriend said we needed to have a serious discussion about our future when I got back. Literally right before I left for the trip. I kind of flipped out, but he said it was nothing to worry about. Still, I was kind of angry. The night before, we had gone to Tiffany’s. He had bought me a sterling silver ring that was already tarnishing (after a couple of days) and I wanted to see what they could do for me. I figured we might be able to look around a bit too. His brother came with us, and even though his brother isn’t planning on proposing for at least a year, he at least asked the salesperson questions, took pamphlets, and was generally interested. My boyfriend went straight to a chair and showed no interest. I figured our serious discussion would be about this, but no it was not.
Backtrack to a year ago around Thanksgiving. About two months before, I had tried to have a discussion with him about our future. We were 21, but had been together around 3 years, and I wanted to know where he saw us heading. He would not talk about it at all. I asked for his five year plan, he wouldn’t give me anything. Nothing. I waited about two months for him to bring it up. He never did. I asked him again around Thanksgiving, and he said he thought we had different timelines. He didn’t want to get married till around 27 or 28, and wanted kids even later than that. Okay, that’s fine, but that’s not what I wanted. I told him I wanted to break up, and we did.
I went my separate way, I even joined a dating site and went on a few dates with a guy. We were broken up for about a month and a half. During this time, he was absolutely desperate for me. Apparently he changed his mind, he wanted me back, he wanted everything I did and at the same time, ect. He went so far as to email/call my mom and tell her how much he wanted to be with me, as he knows I’m very close to my mom and take her advice seriously. He said he would propose tomorrow, within a month, whenever, and we could get married when we graduated. Okay. I strung him along a bit, just to make sure he wouldn’t change his tune. Well, shortly after we get back together, suddenly he doesn’t want to get engaged for a year (right around Christmas 2011). I was a little upset, but I figured okay, a year isn’t too bad. It would be right around the time I was graduating, he would graduate a semester after, and we could get married in a year or two.
Well I just got back from having our serious discussion. He apparently searched the username I use for everything, and found me on this site. He said it scared him that I was so obsessed with getting married. I asked him why he would do that, and he said because he was bored. I said that was upsetting and hurtful, and he didn’t seem remorseful at all.
He’s also apparently changed his mind about absolutely everything we talked about before. I’ve always invited him to talk to me about the future, and to raise any concerns. He’s apparently been holding back for a while. He said he thinks I’m rushing things now. I had talked about wanting to get married in 2013, when we’re 24. He said he thought that was early, he didn’t want to get married till at least 26. He said he thought my only goals in life were to get married and have kids, and what was I going to do after that. Yes, those are my most important goals, so those are the things I look forward to/talk about the most. It doesn’t mean that it’s all I want.
There are just so many things he brought up, like the fact that I don’t exercise. Yes, I understand I need to exercise, however it’s not like I’m overweight. I do want to start exercising, but I wanted to do it on my terms and because I wanted to, not because he pushed me to. I don’t eat the way he does and the way he wants me to apparently. I’ve always said I want to stay in our hometown, because I want to be near my parents, and I’m likely to be the only child who has grandkids for them. Granted, we live in a major city, so it’s not like we couldn’t find jobs here, or like it’s boring/suffocating. I’ve made this clear ever since we started talking about our future together, and have invited him to tell me if he thought that might be a problem, so we could decide what to do. He’s always insisted it wasn’t. Now, apparently, it worries him. He basically asked what if his brother started a business over in another country (where he lives), would I not want to go with him and take a great opportunity? Honestly? No. I want to be near my family. That’s more important to me than being wealthy/rich/having a super awesome job. Mind you, my job is nothing to sneeze at. I will be a nurse. I will make a moderate amount of money, plenty to live on.
He said I have no interests. Granted, I have let a few of my interests slip, and I was planning on working on that. But I wouldn’t say I have no interests. My interests just tend to change rapidly, while he tends to have one or two interests he sticks with for a long time.
He also said something about how he has been looking at rings, and thinking about proposing. I asked him to show me what he was looking at, and he said I wouldn’t like his favorite one. I asked why not, and he said because it was red and green and blue, and nothing like the ones I showed him. The ones I showed him have all been diamond, as I’m pretty traditional on engagement rings. I just don’t understand why a ring I will wear (supposedly) the rest of my life became all about him. Yes, I do want him to like it, but the rings he was looking at (by description) were not my style at all. Completely opposite my style, actually.
I asked if he thought he loved me like he should. He said he did, yes. I asked if he respected me completely, He said he mostly did, but not the way I take care of myself.
Basically, I left it at “I need to think this over.”
There are just so many other things he said, and I may update this thread as I remember more, but this is the gist of it. I pretty much know what I’m going to do, but I just had to get this out there. I had to tell how in disbelief I am, and how absurd this is. I still can’t believe it. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.