(Closed) He betrayed my trust

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh dear. Run, just run. I’m sorry.

ETA: he doesn’t respect you and is pulling up stupid sh*t to excuse his behaviour. He is not ready to get married.

Post # 4
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

(((hugs))) So sorry you are going through this… I won’t give you any advice cause you said you already know what you want to do but I hope whatever you decide works out in the end.

Post # 6
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you guys are on completely different pages, and you (both) are probably too comfortable to think about leaving. You’ve been together since you were like 18, right? Not that theres anything wrong with that, but in situations like these it seems you guys grew in different directions stimutaneously. And this is basically all you both know, which explains why he started freaking out when you guys broke up for that time. He realized his everyday routine was different now, and that can freak someone out if they can’t recognize it for what it really is.

He obviously isn’t going to change his mind about waiting for marriage, and that really sucks that he lied to you about it. I suggest that you take some time apart and possibly ultimately end it. Go back on that dating site after a few months to yourself and remember how awesome you are! There is nothing wrong with the goals you have, you just need to find someone who shares them.

Also, it would really benefit you to take up hobbies and old interests at this point, because it will really make you feel good AND keep your mind off this. 

I hope everything ends well….good luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Ok, I made it through the whole thing, so I feel Ok about saying you need some time off from him. Possibly not permanently, but at least enough to prioritize what is important to you. 

It is not OK for him to be saying you don’t take care of yourself, especially if you are not overweight, and even if you were, unless your health is at risk he should keep his mouth shut. I could never be with someone who tried to force a negative self image on me and I don’t think you should be either. 

You want such different things, I think you should find someone more on the same page with you. The last time you left him he begged and said he would change and he didn’t. If it were me I wouldn’t give him the chance to do that again. 

Post # 8
Member
4804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He said he “mostly respects you”?  What does that even mean?

I agree with PP who said it sounds like he is making up some pretty silly excuses.  I try to be very understanding when excuses make sense, such as he is saving up money or wants to graduate first.  But saying he doesn’t want to get engaged because you don’t exercise enough?  Ridiculous!

Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 9
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

I’m very very sorry.

From what I see, he acted kinda prickish, and then turned it into a picking you apart and amplifying your flaws discussion to deflect. 🙁

So, yeah I think you should take some time to really really think about this. Honestly, I wouldn’t stay with him. Life is too damn short to be struggling with these kind of issues when you could be out having fun!

However, it is your choice, and I do not know the whole story. He does not seem anywhere close to getting married. I really just don’t see this working out.

 

Edit: I just see that you posted you are mostly likely going to end it. If that is true, we are here for you still. 

Post # 10
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m really sorry! You can do so much better than this! Please run and do it quickly before he wastes anymore of your time! Good Luck!

Post # 12
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Uhg I’ve dated guys like this one. It sounds like he’s got a lot of maturing left to do, and I would let him do it.

I woudln’t want an engagment and for my better half to be not whole heartedly 100% into it.  

I’m glad I didn’t stay with that one guy because I moved on and found someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and is on the same page as far as a life plan.

 

((Hugs))

 

Post # 13
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First of all, I’m very very sorry you are dealing with this. However, I really think it seems like he doesn’t want what you want, so is trying to create “flaws” he finds in you (by turning nit picky nonsense into much larger issues) so he has an excuse to make you feel like it’s fault and deflect the blame from himself. It isn’t your fault. If he can’t be an adult and tell you that he just isn’t ready for what you want, and that it isn’t your fault, then it doesn’t sound like he’s mature enough to be getting married. And to be completely frank, him telling you that he loves you, but doesn’t fully respect you? These two really go hand in hand. Sorry if this all sounds preachy, I just think you can find someone who tells you that they fully respect and love you wether you’re hitting the gym frequently or not.

Post # 14
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sounds like you deserve better then what he is willing to give you. Sorry you’re going through a tough time. We’re here for you.

Post # 15
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  As I read your post, your boyfriend reminds me of my ex boyfriend. He kept telling me things he wanted me to change about myself (the gym, the eating habits). I found myself giving in and changing so much about me, just because I wanted him around and I thought that if I didn’t stick with him, I wouldn’t find anybody else and I would be an old maid (yes, I’m a bit dramatic :-)). We both wanted different things, he wanted to travel and see the world before settling down while I wanted to stay in our hometown and raise our family there. We had the talk about getting married. Heck, we even named our kids!

  We ended up breaking up when he went to study abroad. I was hurt, crushed beyond all belief. It was really hard to swallow. As I got further away from the breakup, I started to see some of these things that weren’t present at the time.

  You sound like you are much stronger and much more in tune with yourself than I was. It does sound like you guys want different things. I know it’s hard to break up with someone you have been with for so many years. It will hurt, but you know what? You really will meet someone else, someone who matches up with what you want. I wish you all the best!

Post # 16
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this. He does not deserve you! It sounds like he is about 5 years behind you in the “growing up” department. You should not have to sacrifice your wants and needs for his selfishness. I can’t say it enough: you deserve more than what he is willing to give. ((((HUGS))))

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