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Anything worth having is worth fighting for, in my opinion. But you need to be smat about it and not overwhelm him right away I think. If I were you I think I would try to talk to him calmly when he got home and tell him that you are absolutely fine with cancelling or postponing the wedding for now, but that you're not ready to give up on your relationship and ask him if he's willing to work on that. And maybe ask him if he'd like a week apart or something just to get clear in his mind.
I am so sorry. This is a heart breaking story. I would write down your thoughts and share them with him that way. It will give him a chance to proccess them. It will also help you to organize your thoughts and feelings which, I would imagine, are everywhere right now.
((hugs))
@CorgiTales: agreed. From what you describe, it sounds like he is affected by the stress of wedding planning, which doesn't have to have anything to do with your relationship itself. Totally makes sense to postpone the wedding for a while and focus on the relationship. I think he will find he still wants to marry you, just maybe with something smaller or an elopment.
First of all, I'm extremely sorry that you are dealing with this and I wish you the best.
To answer your question, I would not fight it. I would not want to spend any part of my relationship trying to convince someone to stay with me. If you were just in a fight, then, yes, I would encourage you guys to work on it. But his words and his actions are too much and I would strongly suggest trying to move forward. You will find someone that wants to be with you, who is happier to be with you than alone.
Aw hun I'm so sorry for you. While obvoiusly I can't tell you what is best in your situation, I can tell you that everyone deserves someone who wants to be with them no matter what the circumstances. I agree that maybe taking a week apart might really put things into perspective for you both. He hasn't really had a great view on married life, judging by how his parents act, and unfortunately the parents are what alot of people base what's in store for THEIR marriage on. Six years is a long time to be with someone to just throw everything away, but in the long run it's just a little blip of time. It sounds like he's been checked out emotionally. And it sounds like he doesn't deserve you. I wish you all the best, no matter what the outcome is. Please keep us updated.
First I'm so sorry that this is happening. I would have to agree with PPs that said that it sounds like he doesn't really want to end things with you but that there is just too much stress right now. Maybe you just need to postpone the wedding for now and if your parents are the cause of some or a lot of the stress then maybe you need to cut them out of the wedding planning or maybe he would just prefer not to be involoved in the wedding planning. Maybe he would like the idea of a DW, trips are relaxing, weddings are stressful. Talk it over calmly with him tell him that are are willing to do whatever he needs to fix things and have him make a list. I really hope everything works out for you.
@whatnow: I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story sounds familiar, so I think I may remember more about his sickness than you've told in this post. I know not all relationships are the same, but I had a friend whose longtime love was also diagnosed with a terrible disease. He flipped out and broke everything off. She didn't fight it, continued to be supportive of him, and remained his friend. I just attended their wedding in December and they're happier than ever.
I agree with PPs. Remain level headed and calm. Don't fight it or give him any reason to say "I knew I made the right choice." Keep us posted and remember we're here for you.
I wouldn't fight it.... You don't want to force someone to love you the way you need to be loved. If I were you I would talk about it one more time, and if doesn't seem remorseful, then leave. Don't waste your time fighting for something the other person doesnt feel is worth it.
I wouldn't fight it.... You don't want to force someone to love you the way you need to be loved. If I were you I would talk about it one more time, and if doesn't seem remorseful, then leave. Don't waste your time fighting for something the other person doesnt feel is worth it.
I wouldn't fight it.... You don't want to force someone to love you the way you need to be loved. If I were you I would talk about it one more time, and if doesn't seem remorseful, then leave. Don't waste your time fighting for something the other person doesnt feel is worth it.
I am so sorry! You are totally allowed to be broken and upset about this. I don't know of any person who wouldn't be. Stay calm when dealing with him like the other PPs said.
Thank you all so much for the support and ideas. I really need it right now.
Im so very sorry :( My heart aches for you. Give him and yourself some time, and then see where it goes.
I like the advice so far. I agree with the concept that anything worth having is worth fighting for, but just remember not to fight with him to keep him, since that is what is driving him away. Fight by being supportive and loving and letting him know that you don't want to throw it away. I would let him get his head on straighter and then try and talk about hte options.
I'm so sorry, I can imagine how sad you must feel right now. Hugs!!!
I think that I would wait to see if he says anything tonight when he comes home, maybe he will share more about what led him to make such a drastic decision. If you can take some time apart (perhaps just a week or so, as PP suggested) to really think about what YOU want, and if your needs are truly being fulfilled.
Please let us know how it goes, I hope it all works out and perhaps he spoke out of anger and frustration.
I'm so sorry. This is a terrible situation... I'm not going to pretend that I know what is wrong with your relationship or his health, but to be completely honest, it sounds like the ilness is possibly making him depressed. And I'm sure he's angry that he can't be intimate, just as I'm sure you are. Illness is hard to overcome in any form, and maybe he just needs a break from primarily the wedding planning aspect of the relationship...
As far as tonight goes, I would let things go at least until morning. He's probably already upset and tired from work, so I wouldn't recommend bringing it up until he's had some time to simmer down. However, if he brings it up, it's fair game....
If you do want to be with him, I do think you should fight for him. If I hadn't fought for my man during the hard times, we wouldn't be where we are now (and we happier now than we've ever been). Now, I don't know what you guys fight about, but a gift registry shouldn't be something to fight over... If you're bickering over stupid things, maybe you both just need a break from one another...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with PPs, it might be a good idea to give it a little bit of time to let him cool off and to examine whether you are getting what you need. I wouldn't leave without a little bit of a fight, at least enough to get a thorough understanding of why things are over, but like PPs said, not in an aggressive "fighting" way.
to be honest your FI sounds a bit like me, i clearly remember the night i phoned my then FI while sitting on a beach telling him that i hated what "we" became since we got engaged and i also said our relationshiop wouldnt make it to our wedding date if things didnt change. i was feeling this way because all i felt was pressure, financial and emotional, including trying to make so many other people happy
i also remember he asked "WHAT do you want" and i said i just wanted us to get married - so we decided then and there to elope and suddenly overnight the fun and joy came back to our relationship
so ask yourself what do you want and ask him the same - maybe you want the same thing but need to go about it differently. goodluck!
My husband has health issues and this was a regular arguement for us and he also said I would be happier with someone else and without him. With MUCH perserverance over our realtionship I know this is because he feels so down about health issues that he sometimes thinks he deserves to just be alone and miserable and he doesn't want to make me miserable. It has taken a lot of tears when he has said he doesn't want to be with me, but we have got through it, and he always regrets saying it but it's a deeper issue within how he feels about himself that triggers it. Maybe your FH is feeling stressed or irritated or depressed about his health?
I think you should talk - try and get to the bottom of it. Relationships are hard work, but you have to try what you can before it's over IMO.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You should find out if he's at all open to seeing a counselor with you. He might be giving up because he never saw his parents work things out. Maybe he just doesn't have the skills to communicate how he's feeling, and it's easier for him to just say goodbye. I'm hoping for the best for you.
He came home and wrote me a long, looong letter (in the meantime, I felt like I was going to throw up.) He has a history of depression, and he said that he feels he is depressed again as a result of all the wedding stress. We're going to go to counseling together, and he said he wants to work it out. Thank you all so much for your support tonight, I really needed it. The hive is such an amazingly supportive place!
I'm so glad that your update was positive! I'm terribly sorry you're going through this, and you sound like an incredibly loving and supportive woman to be thinking of him and his health at a time that is also personally trying for you as an individual. To kind of reiterate what some previous posters have said - I think when something goes wrong, most women want to talk immediately (myself included), and most men need to step away from the situation (my fiance). Therefore, when a bad situation happens, my immediate reaction is to talk it out, which actually makes his situation WORSE, and his immediate reaction to walk away, makes me feel so anxious and restless. That being said, you may want to look for a balance between "fighting for the relationship", and overwhelming him with more things to think about. If you can take a small step back - still be there, still be present, and show him support, when he comes around he will realize what a tremendous thing you did for him to put your own emotions aside initially to help him. It already sounds like you're making progress, so we are all hoping the best for you.
Good luck! I think wedding planning is enough to bring out the worst in alot of people.
Glad to read the update OP, I'm rooting for your both (:
@whatnow: I'm happy to hear that the two of your are going to try and work things out. I think it speaks worlds to your relationship and love for each other! Hoping for the best =)
I am so sorry. But I agree with CorgiTales - I think you need to talk and try to work it out - it sounds like you are both very stressed and have been for a while. Things will definately get better, and I hope quickly too
I came back to check for an update. I'm glad he's willing to work thru it! Hopefully counseling and communicating and cutting back on the wedding stress are what you guys need to pull through. Is there any way you can tell both sets of parents to back off? You mentioned they caused alot of drama which was causing you two to fight.
I'm delighted for you. I read the first post and felt sick for you. Keep us updated xx
If it's because of wedding stress, would it be possible to just have an intimate, close friends and family wedding? That's so sad that he wanted to break up :(
@Eight6Eleven: That's a good idea, I think that we both need to talk with our parents and let them know a little bit about the affect that their demands are having on us emotionally and as a couple.
@szaerpoor: You're SO right -- I definitely want to talk things out and figure them out right now, and he likes to have time to think. He said that after work, he sat in his car for 2 hours and thought the whole thing through, and came to the conclusion that he does want to get married, and that it was the depression talking. He said that he feels like his depression sometimes makes him feel unworthy of the happiness that we can have. I've felt that way in the past, when I had a bout of depression after a physical illness, so I kind of understand -- but my depression was temporary, while his has been plaguing him his whole life.
It's a difficult decision to choose to marry someone who has a history of mental illness, and last night reminded me of how it will be a struggle at times. Does anyone have advice on supporting a partner with depression?
Does he go to counseling or take medication?
If not, encourage him to seek professional counseling. Obviously, his depression has an effect on his daily life and his ability to maintain relationships-- he really needs an outside, trained person to help him sort through his feelings and develop ways to combat the depression.
While lots of people have different views on medicating depression, it can be a godsend for some people (myself included). I went on an SSRI for two years and it turned my life around, I'm a much more self-aware person because of it.
@szaerpoor: Hah. I doubt it's true of *all* girls and *all* guys, but what you say describes my future bride and I sooo well! She always want to talk things out right away when there's a major disagreement, and I can appreciate that, but I tend to want a day inbetween so I can get my head straight.
@whatnow: I'm so glad he did that, it's exactly the advice I was going to give you. Given that you have been together so long, why lose what you had without giving it a shot? Definitely get couple's counseling, or if you can't afford that, talk to an advisor of some kind (any neutral party or a religious advisor would work)
I am so sorry you're dealing with this, but I'm glad you two are going to try and work it out. Depression is an ugly thing, and you just can't always control it. Even with medication and following Dr's orders, there may be rough times. I think counseling is a wonderful idea, for both of you, because you need to know what you're dealing with and he needs to know how this will affect you. I hope everything works out for you!
I'm so glad to read your updates!! I'm so sorry that you've been going through this stressful time, though, and I truly hope that you're taking time to take care of yourself. Self-care is very important when planning a wedding, especially when there are added stressors, such as mental illness, involved. You asked if there were ways to help you support your partner with depression, and I would echo some of the responses here that bring up counseling (both couples and individual). I would also recommend you to check out NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness- www.nami.org). There is a lot of information on the website, plus information about local support resources for you to peruse. I wish you the best of luck!
I'm sorry you're having such a stressful time. Since being married I keep saying the worst thing you can do to a relationship is plan a wedding.
My husband has a history of depression/PTSD. I called off the wedding a few months out because of what the planning was doing to our relationship, and it definitely caused a flare up in his depression! I really don't know why, but the stress and changes were just too much for him. He has a similar "undeserving" attitude of himself to your FI. People asked why I called it off and I said "he's just miserable, I can't explain it". (I was also miserable because I didn't even like the wedding I was planning because my family was making all the decisions for us, so his depression was not the only reason by any means). Calling things off was both a huge relief and huge wake up call for both of us. We realized he needed to go back to counseling (which has been hugely effective by the way) and also that we needed to cut back a TON on wedding planning. We went from having a big formal reception that neither of us wanted to just having our ceremony and a cookout on our original date, which was absolutely perfect. He has continued therapy and depending what he's working on I sometimes go with him, we have been lucky and he feels very comfortable with his therapist so he'll open up to me more with her there. If he's okay with it, I think it helps to make yourself totally available to be involved in his counseling. It's not an overnight change, but just keep telling him how proud you are of him for trying to get some help for his problem, focus on his progress and don't judge him for anything he feels (easier said than done!), and be prepared that you may learn some heartbreaking things in the process. I never knew what DH was going through and it was very hard to hear. Just let him know his happiness and health is your #1 priority. Hopefully he'll follow through and get himself some help. That being said, he needs to be accountable for his actions, he needs to take control of his own health and really WORK at this. If he stays miserable and doesn't try to make any changes it's time to move on.
Poor health and planning stress are very valid reasons for postponing a wedding, in my experience people are very supportive and happy that you are focusing on the health of your relationship. Good luck to you both, sorry this post is so long but I really feel like things can be so much better if you both work at it!
@aardvark: I love that idea of writing down what you feel and letting him read it later.
You should definitely not let it go. Six years is a long time. Maybe a wedding is too stressful for now? Take a little break from "wedding" but keep going with the relationship if possible. Dont give up!!! ((hugs))
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I'm a regular poster with a new name. My ex-fiance called off our engagement a few hours ago. He's at work now, and I'm sitting here, totally broken.
We've been together for over six years. The past few months have been rough. He's been sick, and it's taken a toll on our relationship. We can't be intimate because of his illness. Additionally, the wedding planning has been really stressful. Both of our parents have caused a lot of drama, and we've been fighting a lot because of it.
Today, we went to go register for gifts. He hasn't been very interested in any of the wedding planning stuff, and I was nervous that he would get frustrated or impatient with registering. Expecting him to get upset, I definitely didn't have as much fun as I could have. We fought while driving home, and more once we got home. He said that our relationship just isn't fun anymore, and he thinks he would be happier alone than with me.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I feel like I always look at the optimistic side and think about the happy times that we've had, and he is the opposite. I'm also used to seeing my parents fight and work on their relationship, while his parents are basically always silent around each other and living in a totally loveless marriage.
What should I do? I know I can't make him be with me, but I don't want it to be over. He will be home later tonight -- what should I do? Should I try to talk to him and try to work it out, or should I just accept it and try to start healing?