(Closed) He broke our engagement, dissappeared. Now he wants me back.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was dumped by someone I thought for SURE was “the one”.  We had a similar relationship in that it was intense and passionate, but looking back (hindsight being 20/20 and all) I can see now that it burned so bright because it was destined to fizzle quickly.

He ditched me, then strung me along for a while, then kind of held getting back together over my head for a while.

Finally, I’d had enough.  I’m not a yo-yo, I’m a human being with feelings and I refuse to be manipulated.  I told him to get the fuck out.  He made his bed, he can sleep in it.

I date casually for a little while after that, not wanting anything serious.  After a while, I met someone wonderful- who doesn’t lie to me, string me along, or bounce back and forth on whether or not he’s ready.  We got married last month and are now expecting our first baby! 

Having my heart ripped out by a juvenile asshole ended up being the best thing that could happen.  I’m stronger now, and I know what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship.  I’m better for it, and I couldn’t care less if he regrets it.  I’m happier now than I ever could have been with him.

Post # 4
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Won’t you always have a little voice in the back of your head saying “oh no – what if he leaves again?!”. I would. And anytime I got upset or we faught, I’d be petrified that he’d up and disappear. And as we said our vows, I’d be thinking – does he really mean it? Personally, I couldn’t live like that. You’ll find someone better – trust me.

Post # 5
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@DaneLady:  +1

I especially agree with the “I was dumped by someone I thought for SURE was “the one”.  We had a similar relationship in that it was intense and passionate, but looking back (hindsight being 20/10 and all) I can see now that it burned so bright because it was destined to fizzle quickly”  part.

I had a guy that I felt so passionately in love with it was crazy.  I’ve never felt that way before or since.  but, it broke apart because we were in 2 places in our lives and living on seperate continents to boot.


A year later I started dating my now hubby.  I love him in a completely different way.  He’s stable, loves me 110%, cares about me and for me, and is the most sincere and patient man ever.  I don’t regret chosing him over the other one at all.

Cheesy I know, but my friend and I were just talking last week about lost loves and where we are.  She told me “You know what?  The Rolling Stones were right in hindsight – you can’t always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.”  I laughed because it was totally true.

Post # 6
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I would stay strong. He doesn’t deserve you.

He doesn’t get a free pass on hurting you just because he ‘freaked out’ or ‘did it out of guilt’. Is that supposed to make you feel better about having your heart ripped out? Oh, so it wasn’t a walk in the park for him, either… that doesn’t make it any better for you.

You need a partner in life who will come to you with their problems and be willing to talk them through. Someone who bolts like that just isn’t a good candidate for a strong life partnership. If he did that once, maybe he’ll bolt again… or maybe he won’t, but he’ll still have trouble communicating about the things he finds challenging. He can’t just stop caring for you and your feelings to deal with his own things if you’re in a partnership.

When he has a problem, he should be able to talk to you about it, not just shut down and disappear. I would keep on staying strong. Tell him not to wait, because clearly he’s not the partner you need.

Post # 7
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

What happens when you have children and he “freaks” out? Stability in a relationship plays a major role IMO. Trust of course as well. He seems very impulsive and while this nay have been to your benefit at one point, it is not a character trait that allows for longevity IMO.

Post # 8
Member
6670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

This guy is very bad bet for the long haul.  I’d dump him and go to NO CONTACT mode.  You can always post here if you feel shaky.  We’ll talk you down.

Post # 9
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If he was the one he would have never doubted you and would have never left. 

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m going to have to agree with previous posts, don’t let this guy back in. He did this to you not once, but twice. The first time he freaked out and left can be considered cold feet and freaking out about all the huge changes in life in such a short time. The second time, it’s not cold feet at this point.

Post # 11
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Something similar happened to me. I had gotten engaged to an ex quickly and moved in together. Everything went to shit. First he kept moving back the wedding, woudn’t talk about it, got angry when I said anything. He broke up with me twice, but begged for me back and we worked things out.

Things would be okay, then not so ok. In the end he became verbally abusive. Calling me names, saying how stupid and crazy I was. He insisted once we married he would quit work. When I joked and said ‘only if you do the dishes’ he got very angry, called me some terrible names and broke up with me again. He came crawling into my bed that night, I kicked him out and told him to sleep on my couch. He wouldn’t. The next day I literally took everything that was mine (leaving him his computer and desk, other than that he didn’t even have a fork).

He tried again and again to get me back. He was beyond manipulative. We agreed to talk he blamed the break up on me.

I stopped talking to me and reconnected with my wonderful boyfriend. I will be the first to tell you it took a while to recapture the passion, but what I feel for this man will never compare to my ex  who I really thought was “the one.”

I’m not trying to say my relationship was similar or trying to persuade you on which way to go. I really believe you should cut contact with your ex and give this new guy a fair chance. If in a few months you can’t stop thinking about your ex maybe then you should think about it. If you’re both unable to move on maybe there really is something there.

Post # 12
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

you have your life back on track, dating someone else, you are happy, etc.  why would you let some indecisive bugger destroy that?  again? 

i would keep my distance and focus on myself.

Post # 13
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Don’t do it.  Give yourself time away from him.  He may have seen the light but he is the same person and treated you terribly.

Post # 14
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@DaneLady:  I can see now that it burned so bright because it was destined to fizzle quickly”  part.

This is my relationship with my ex.  Do I still think about him?  yes… Do I still love him?  maybe.  But am I completely head over heels with my current guy that I would never go back?  YES!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this all comes down to the way YOU feel.  What does your heart say?  Even through the misery of the 6 months after my breakup with the ex, I could still understand why we weren’t right for each other.  I eventually had to tell him taht I was in a good relationship and to stop calling.  He still texts occasionally (less and less each year) but respects my wishes.  Every now and then I feel a pang, but it’s fleeting. 

And when I met the love of my life, time has shown that stability was exactly what I needed.

Post # 16
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

You have done so well so far! Good for you! I have been there done that, nothing good has ever come out of letting people like that back in.

But, my good friend has recently allowed a man like that back in her life-so far so good…so I am honestly on the fence with this one.

If you are having any hesitation whatsoever than I would probably break it off with the guy you are with now…no sense kissing him and thinking about the ex, if that is happening (I was guilty of that 4 years ago).

Take time to sort things out…and take it slow. 🙂

 

 

 

 

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