Post # 1
If you remember I posted about my engagement being called off (sorry don’t know how to hyperlink it in) mainly because my fi suffers from anxiety. From my previous post I gave him space like everyone said. When he first broke up with me he yelled and called me names and said he never loved me and never wants to be with me…like clockwork 2 weeks later he texted me just checking in like nothing happened. From there we got back together and he SAID he wanted to move forward with the wedding planning, things even got better between his mom and me. But we haven’t really moved forward. Then this past weekend some friends of ours were getting married and I was really upset, crying in fact…I told my Fiance how hurt I was that we can’t even set a date. He yelled at me, cursed at me and said he was done. I let him be…10 minutes later he called me back apologizing and saying how much he loved me and wanted to spend forever with me and never did I deserve to be talked to like he did…he then said lets plan the wedding, saying the reason he still wasn’t able to was because of his anxiety. Then later that night he took me to the movies but he didn’t want to go, wanted to watch boxing and was texting during the movie. It got me annoyed not upset, he then got mad at me and started yelling and cursing at me and saying how horrible this relationship is and he was done. So he broke up with me twice in a day! CRAZY! I let him be but Sunday I was so confused because he said he loved me, now he said he doesn’t love me and is giving me the silent treatment. I did continue to call and text because I just wanted to make sense of everything, it wasn’t even a fight we had, I was just annoyed and then he went bazerk. Its been 3 days and we haven’t talked. I just don’t know what to think of this…why does he try to manipulate the situation and make me the problem every time? He never takes responsibility for his actions and never wants to talk. I think I also give in to him, running back to him after the two weeks…I don’t want to be desperate but I do love him very much but can’t keep going through this cycle where he gets mad, breaks up and then gives me the silent treatment.
My first question is, why do I contastanly call the day after we break up? Second he hasn’t asked for the ring back again…is he playing gmaes? Third, why does he feel the silent treatment works?
It really hurts, when things are good everything is fine but when he has these flare-ups of anxiety he tries to point to me as the problem instead of accepting that he has anxiety. Advice is much appreciated…I talked to my family and they really think its emotional abuse and as hard as it will be, it will hurt and I may be misreable…I need to move on. But moving on for me is starting over since we share the same friends.
Post # 3
My question is: why do you want to be with someone like this?
Also, you’ll still have the friends. They hopefully won’t go anywhere. Free yourself from this person ASAP!
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Yes, why do you want to be with someone like this? He sounds very manipulative, and like he needs to be on a serious dose of anti-anxiety or tranquillizer pills.
Post # 5
Post # 6
you poor thing, it sounds like a very difficult situation, but can you really see a future with a man who yells at you, curses at you for no reason. He may have anxiety but that is abuse. If he keeps calling it off I dont think he will change, it seems that it his automatic response to any challange or comment. Please dont set yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
Post # 7
You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. If I were you, I’d break up with him for good and never be in contact again. No phone calls, no emails, no texts. Then you need to get into counseling to determine why you’ve accepted this type of abuse up to now, and to learn strategies for protecting yourself in the future.
Post # 8
You’re gonna have to find the strength to end this. Either that, or you will continue to be strung along and emotionally abused.
Post # 9
Regardless of whatever disorder he has been diagnosed with, it is not healthy for YOU to continue to be berated, called names, and put through these ups and downs. His disorder does not give him a free pass to treat you like crap. You need to do what is best for you, and right now is your opportunity to break free from this crazy cycle for once and for all.
I honestly don’t know why any of us (I’ve been in your shoes myself) continue to go back for more in these situations. These jerks somehow make us believe that the drama and fighting is love and passion – it is not. Even if he does text or call tomorrow or next week to apologize it is going to happen again and again. Stop the madness, cut off contact with him completely. If you have a single girlfriend that is not a shared friend call her up now, attach yourself to her and get out and have fun without the jerk. Start making new friends on your own. You can do it!
Post # 10
You will never feel secure with this man. I don’t care what mental problems he has, you are not on this earth to be his ‘whipping boy’ when he’s not happy. He cannot take his problems out on you. And if you let him, which is what you are doing every time you take him back, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery.
He doesn’t love you. No one who did would keep treating you like this.
Post # 11
Hmmm…i’m no health expert but this sounds like more than anxiety disorder to me….more like bi-polar. Anywho I don’t know why you’d want to continue being with someone like this. I think it’s apparent that if you are getting treated this way on and off, it will continue through marriage.
A ceremony and reception will not change the way someone acts…think about it.
Post # 12
If this is how he is now, this is how he will be in the years to come. Can you imagine the same back and forth over kids? Or kids witnessing this kind of behavior from their father? He blames you for things that aren’t your fault, breaks your heart, apologizes, but never changes. Honestly, you’ve given him lots of chances. I honestly think you’re better off taking time to yourself (for yourself, not him) and thinking long and hard about whether this man and this relationship will be giving you what you want and deserve in life.
Post # 13
I’m bipolar and I don’t treat my Fiance like this…no way near anything like this, even when I’m having massive panic attacks, can’t even leave my flat and think everyone hates me.
Like reebee said, having a disorder does not give someone a free pass to act like a jerk. If he really cared for jroot, he’d get help for himself and stop acting this way.
Post # 14
Have to agree with PP that it’s time to move on. Regardless of the cause (whether mental illness or just who he is), this guy is not equipped to be the steady, loving partner that you deserve. You want to marry someone you can depend on, not someone loves you one day and hates you the next. And if you want kids, you need a dependable partner to raise kids with. Right now, that’s not him.
Maybe someday when he’s healthier he will be the kind of guy who would make a good husband or father, but it will probably take years as these kinds of issues do not resolve quickly.
Post # 15
@BellaDee: I’m not either, but that’s exactly what I am thinking, that her S.O. suffers from much more than just anxiety.
OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. However, there is NO way that you can have a safe, emotionally healthy, stable relationship with this man under these conditions. You truly need to make a clean break from him, no matter how difficult it is to do this. Even if he should once again change his mind, it would be very unwise for you to attempt to move forward into a marriage relationship with him given his unstable, volatile, emotionally abusive history. You potentially would be asking for a lifetime of pain and grief.
Post # 16
Not to be snarky or make you feel bad. My dad was right when he told me at one point in a relationship, “It’s not supposed to be that hard”. We didn’t end up getting married. I’ve been happily married to another man for 30 years. For your sake, I hope that you do move on. He is not about to change. Ask yourself, do you want to continue to live like this-It sounds like if you decide to marry him every time he “gets anxious” he will want a divorce. That would not be good for you or any children you may plan to have. Fill your life up with new hobbies and interests.