He called the wedding off days before

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Quite honestly, while I applaud your interest in engaging with the world and possible future partners, I think it’s a mistake to be dating this guy. You obviously are still struggling quite a bit in coping with your past, and it’s not fair to this new guy to put him through your struggles. We all want someone to share with, but that person shouldn’t be someone whose feelings will be dragged around with whatever it is you’re going through. I’m not trying to say you wouldn’t be aware of how he’s feeling, but this relationship sounds like it will be all about you figuring out who you are again, instead of learning about this new man and discovering a possible life with him.<br /><br />You probably DO need therapy (or a consistent friend or two) to understand why you have all of these fears now. I mean, I’m sure you know why, but you need to learn how to work through them without dragging someone else into it. This new guy won’t be getting 100% of you — he’ll be getting what’s leftover, since it sounds like you haven’t had enough time to rebuild yourself. <br /><br /><br />

Post # 3
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

I spent a lot of time responding to your first posting of this before it was deleted…yay.

Post # 4
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I think it depends on the guy, we all have scars, everyone does.  The hurtful things your ex said to you are probably what’s bothering you the most.  My ex husband left me and said some awful things to me that didn’t heal quickly.  I didn’t even realize they had left those big of scars since I had been on my own for awhile and I thought I was all good when I met my FH.  He was so amazing, when something happened that hit those nerves, he knew something was wrong and literally would not leave me alone until I told him what was bothering me.  He has washed away every insecurity and fear and I have no doubts in the world he loves me.  He also had scars and things we had to deal with, it took a long time for him to feel safe that I was not going anywhere just because of things he had been through.  Maybe this guy has been though something similar and you can heal together. 

Post # 5
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

anonymousdddd:  1. You dodged a bullet with the ex.

2. Take it slooooow with the new guy. It hasn’t been very long, your heart and soul have not healed, and frankly you don’t know him yet, so he very well could be completely untrustworthy – trust should be earned through actions rather than just freely given. So date him casually, tell him about the past when it feels right, and be very cautious with your tender heart while it heals.

Post # 6
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic

anonymousdddd:  I believe that you feel that way because you got hurt and now you never want to let your guard down again. That normal, years ago an ex told me about some text he sent another girl. At the end of the day I blamed my self for letting my guard down. As a result, when I started dating my FI I would always check his phone. He understood and he never had a problem but thats something I had to do to feel better. Is normal to feel that way. As for the new guy you’re dating, he might get a bit tired of the dog arrangements. They are not kids so people wont be that understanding. You might want to figure out what to do before it gets old.

Post # 7
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

anonymousdddd:  I see a lot of similarities of myself in you ! I too had a broken engagement. We were together for 7 years. I was the one who broke it off though. He was abusive. He too told me that I would not make a good wife or mother. After I ended it, I also decided that my life had to go on. I started being more social and even lost a decent amount of weight and got healthier.  When I met my now amazing FI, I too was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I kept telling myself that he would change like my ex did. The other shoe would drop and he would turn into an asshole like my ex. I played all sorts of mind games with myself. I told myself that my new guy was gay and that he was a pathogical liar. I could not believe that someone could actually be as kind as he is or as loving. I was wrong! He’s a great guy. No surprises! You want to know what saved me from my own crazy thoughts and worries that he too would change? I was 100% honest with my new guy. If I was feeling a crazy thought coming on, I told him. He knew the history of my previous relationship. I didn’t hide anything. It made us strong and we are able to talk about anything. My advice to you would be do not hide anything. Talk about your past relationship freely and openly. It wil help you move on and will set you free! Good luck to you, my dear! I know you can get through this. 

Post # 8
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

I jumped from one long-term relationship to another with barely any time in between. It definitely was a bit weird in the beginning because anything could trigger memories. But this passes, but it takes time to rebuild new memories to replace old ones. If he is the right guy he will do everything he can to help with the healing process, my guy did and he is not even a patient person (so extra credit for him). But that won’t work if you start building walls. If you feel like you cannot do without walls, you should take time off from relationships and stop dating till you get that far. Easier said than done of course, we weren’t willing to wait and in a way that meant that he had to agree with the fact that it made things that much more difficult for him.

Whatever you do, therapy will always be a good choice – you will heal faster and you will be able to start enjoying your new relationship quicker.

Post # 9
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

By the way, have you ever actually allowed yourself to get angry with your ex about what he did? Because you have every right to be really really angry. Allowing you to feel that might actually help in blocking out the hurtfulness from his words (cause he is a jerk) and help you in getting over it. Of course, that also means that you let go of it at some point. You don’t need him in order to go through all of those different stages (and say all the things you left unsaid in that moment) but a therapist might actually be a great help in this.

People who threaten suicide are always manipulative, I’ve yet to hear of one that is not. My friend married a guy who she was too scared to not marry because he might commit suicide (he made it look as if that was the ultimate love one can experience). That marriage lasted 6 months till the guy hooked up with his old love that he had never gotten over (his words). She was devastated. To cut a long story short, the old love got a restraining order for him after 2 months of dating. My friend had a hard time getting over him because he would always use her shoulder to cry on, for 3 years it did not get any better for her emotionally until she cut all ties for good. I am just saying this because you might also also feel “obligated” to always be there for him and the dog arrangement might not help in saving you from the situation where you are essentially still being manipulated further.

Post # 10
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I wouldn’t talk to the new guy about your ex or the struggle you have experienced getting over him. He doesn’t need to know the details, and they could come back to bite you in the ass later on.

Post # 11
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

anonymousdddd:  I totally agree with nightborn: . And where I didn’t have a wedding called off (though in hindsight I wish we’d never gotten married!), I think we’ve all been there to some extent – broken up with someone who is broken. My ex-husband was not a good person. He also suffered from depression which he wouldn’t get help for. I finally couldn’t take whatever personality disorders he had mixed with the depression and I left. Was I wary of the very next guy I dated? You betcha!! I kept waiting for him to be a jerk and to have major problems, but he didn’t. And he’s wonderful and I married him! So anyway, yes, take it slowly and if you see red flags, pay attention to them. No amount of “But I love him so much” can fix a broken person. They need to do the fixing on their own.

Post # 12
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

OP, please get counseling. You are transporting all of your hurt and insecurity from your ex into this relationship and this new guy is not your counselor. Do not try to test him to see how he responds to all of this. You can tell him bits of it when you want to and when he’s asking, but you seem at high risk of wanting to talk to him abt it a lot and probably even cry to him abt it a lot. While some of that is fine, much of the work and healing you need to do comes from within and is aided primarily by a counselor/therapist/psych. 

I had a traumatic previous relationship and entered counseling months before I met my now-husband. Being able to speed up healing and re-learn how to evaluate relationships and trust my judgment without projecting my old relationship onto my new/current one in counseling was invaluable. 

How long have you been dating the new guy?

Post # 13
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You don’t need to tell him you are squeamish about wedding topics because you probably shouldn’t be talking about wedding stuff already anyways. I know it’s a small detail, but about the breadmaker? I have one and I’m not married! It’s not a weird thing to have so don’t stress about that kind of stuff. The dog arrangement you should sort out ASAP, mostly for the dog’s sake.

If you do end up telling him all about it and how you are proud you survived etc., be prepared for a negative reaction. Everyone know breakups are terrible, especially the way it happened to you, but everyone also knows they heal with time and unless your life was in danger from it, there wasn’t much survival involved. Wonder if it turns out he survived a terrible illness as a child, or he had a previous partner pass away, it might seem ridiculous and insulting that you are equating getting over a breakup as survival.

I soooo don’t mean to minimize the hurt you felt, because it’s justified 100%! I just want to give you a view someone else may have if they have experienced a more dire situation.  I empathize with all of your feelings.. It really really sucks you had to go through that and it’s great you are building your life back.

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