- 2 years ago
I am writing to follow up on this post http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/help-fiance-having-suicidal-thoughts-and-blaming-it-on-me/#post-6442902 . To update you, perhaps give some other people who are going through the same thing hope that the dark cloud lifts, and to ask you all for advice on new relationships after being so hurt.
As it turned out, my ex-fiance ended up calling off our wedding. He had made a few therapy appointments and would cancel them. I knew things were getting worse but I couldn’t do anything. I also did not realize how bad it was. He continued to hug me, kiss me, cook for me, buy me gifts, etc. up until the end. The day before we were supposed to sign our marriage license, two days before we were leaving for our destination wedding, he spent a few hours telling me that he couldn’t go through with it. I tried my hardest to be loving and understanding and to talk things out with him but he had already made his decision. I had had my bachelorette party the night before and had picked up my wedding dress and returned to a mess of a fiance.
That was January and now it’s August. It’s been a hell of a ride. My family and some of my friends decided not to cancel their trips and so I had a few days in Mexico in a blur with my loved ones.
I returned to a mess of my life between returning gifts, having to respond to people asking how the wedding was, concerned calls from friends, apartment hunting, dog-sharing, and had to spend the little energy I had each day reminding myself to eat, drink water, and engage in the world.
Right now, when I look back, I’m not really sure how I got through it. I went to work every day, counted my blessings, and worked very very hard at not crying. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I also relied on my logical, left-brain to convince myself that I will be better off without someone that would do that to me and to see the good– being able to do the things he never liked to do and possibly, in the future, meeting someone else who would want to do those things. I threw myself into activities and friends and did all the things I hadn’t done when I was with him- photography class, volunteering, sports teams, etc.
The pain lessened day by day, I stopped having to put so much thought into getting myself out of bed without crying, and my energy came back slowly.
Now, I’m feeling very proud of myself and happy in the life that I built. The waves of what happened hit me occasionally, especially during wedding season, but it doesn’t feel as raw.
When my grandmother and others suggested therapy, I was not willing. The last thing I needed was to talk about what happened- I needed to actually make progress and get through the day by day, build a life and a new identity. But I had a sense that if I started dating someone I would have a mess of emotions. And now I am, and I do.
This new guy I have started dating is very different from my ex. My friend made me make a list of what I was looking for if I had a chance to find my perfect mate and this new guy actually fits many things on that list. It’s quite remarkable. He knows that I was engaged from our mutual friend but we haven’t talked about it. The whole relationship now is very bitter-sweet. I’m so happy when he is so sweet and things are going well, but then I get hit with memories of the beginning with my ex and I rehash our first few dates, and our first few sleepovers, etc. I look for signs of where I could have known, and am telling myself to be cautious with this one. I start to get anxious.
I know a certain amount of nervousness is natural, as is a certain amount of guardedness, but I didn’t have that with my ex- I was just happy without all of this other baggage. In addition, the things that my ex said the day he called it all off keep echoing in my head. I can chalk it up to the depression or to his need to justify why he left but that was the most hurt I have ever felt. I think I can get over him leaving but not the things that he said and how I was so blindsided by them. He was telling me how he didn’t think I would be the kind of mother that he would want to parent with, and how I would raise kids who were too coddled and crazy, he told me I was too needy, I didn’t know enough about the world, etc.
I can’t stop feeling like while this new guy adores me and seems super happy with me, maybe he too will start to think terrible things about me and blindside me with them one day and leave. I did not see any of it coming with my ex. In the beginning he too was adoring and lovey. They are so different but how do I know he won’t do the same?
Also, I am not sure how to bring it up with new guy– it’s still very early on but it’s moving quickly and things like why I have a breadmaker (bridal shower) and the dog arrangement are coming up. I also want to share. It’s less that I want to talk about my ex but more that I want to share with him the struggle I went through and that I survived. I also want him to know that I”m still squimish about wedding talk, especially certain topics that hit home. Lastly, I guess a part of me wants to see his emotional maturity and wants to see how he reacts. And if he has gone through something that has given him some insight into what kind of life he wants to live and what kind of partner he wants, like I have.
Thoughts? thanks for reading all the way through