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Yikes, I think this is one of those things where you just can't pressure him. He must know how important getting married is to you- have you discussed the list since you gave it to him a year ago?
I'd suggest just talking to him- find out how he feels. If nothing else, you deserve to know where you stand.
best of luck!
omgoodness. i just talked to him and he said, "what list?" I am about to scream. I kept showing him the list off and on for the past year and a half. :( I told him that I am not getting married in a court house, it's against my beliefs, so he needs to think about that.
The Army is deciding ours lol. We still haven't been able to set an exact date yet because we aren't sure when he will be home from Afghanistan or when the Army will give them a chance to take leave. It is SO frustrating. Grrr.
um, this has been going on for a year and he doesn't even remember that there is a list? When did he "pop the question"? Why didn't you guys start planning as soon as you got engaged? I feel like there is a little more going on here, but I could be wrong!
Maybe you should just choose a date and ask him if that date is ok with him. Or, start looking at venues together and see what dates they have available.
Well from my past experiences the date picked us. Because we went and looked at venues and found the one we wanted. Then they gave us a list of dates that were open. Then I took out the calendar and said no to any holidays and other important days to avoid. And that's how we got our date.
Maybe he just figures that since it is so far away why worry with it yet. Guys don't understand that you need to start booking venues/vendors a year or so in advance. So take him to see some venues that you like and that way he can a) hear for himself that they book fast and b) so he can start to get excited about your big day too.
DaisyBride, I was the one who didn't want to start the wedding plans after we got engaged. . .also i didn't recieve an engagement ring on the proposal-He wanted me to try engagment rings on-I have short fingers so ANY ring just wouldn't be logical. So a few months laters of browsing, I finally found a place to look at rings that wasn't overpriced (this was before the whole recession started) and we went and he choose and bought the ring.
I wanted to wait a little bit before we start planning. Now it's been TOO long and he doesn't understand that, i guess.
HoneyBunny, I am hoping that he will come back safely. I am a firm believer in suppoting our troops. It was frustrating for me when a family member of mine missed on of their children being born. So I can understand the frustration. The time will come and everything will be beautiful!
vintage2010,I will TRY to find a venue. . .I know WHERE I want to get married, but I can't seem to get a straight answer from my fiancee. I REALLY don't want to get married in the state we live in because it would be so overpriced AND too far of most of my family. His family are willing to and they enjoy traveling every chance they get.
That's frustrating! I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Mr. CC and I picked our date just hours after the proposal.
Wow that is really frustrating!! I'd say if he's dragging his heels that much, pick a date yourself and then OK it with him after.
The weekend after our engagement I asked him what season he wanted to get married in. He said spring or fall. I told him I was thinking summer or fall, so we decided on a fall wedding in October. From there we let our choice of reception venue pick our date since there was only one left for October 2010 already!
Maybe he seems to think the day is just too far in advance to start planning for. Did I read correctly that you are thinking a wedding date sometime in 2012?
I know it's frustrating but as someone had posted, please do not pressure him into making a decision right now. Have a heart to heart talk with him. Show him some of the venues you are considering, maybe that will get him into wedding planning mode.
This may be one of those situations where it would be much better not to expect your FI to make a specific decision. Pick a season you like best and say, "honey, what do you think about getting married in the spring?" If he seems happy about this, then you should go look at venues. You will probably fall in love with one, and you will pick your date by process of elimination - when is your church free, when is the venue free, when does your cousin graduate from high school. Some venues will give discounts for off -season or off-peak date weddings (like on a Friday or Sunday) so you might want to figure this out before you pick a date.
Find the location you guys want, THEN pick one of their available dates. I mean, it's 2009....what's wrong with late 2010 or 2011?
I think you're jumping the gun, though, picking only the date. You'll really have to go see what they have available to you. That's what we did. We said "well, we want May or June 2009 OR fall 2009 (basically not july/august in the midwest)" and the venue we wanted (ceremony and reception) had maybe 5 dates, so we just picked one together and did the paperwork right there.
my fi was wishy washy about the date as well. So I took out a calender and went through it with him.
Jan-no, holiday and people can't travel
Feb-Absolutely no, v-day
March--st patrick day/school conflict-no.
April--maybebut school
May--graduation but can afterwards--maybe.
June/July-def too hotand too many other weddings
Aug-school starts, too busy.
Sept-maybe but school
Oct--too many birthdays, our fav holiday, and school conflicts
Nov/Dec Absolutely NOT: holidays!! work is hard to get off
So it came down to may or sept. And we looked for a venue--and may was the date ...than I wanted to get married on a Saturday evening (yeah, I know..but it's the easiest for work schedule and travelling) And, well there is only four to pick one so we went for the last saturday in May.
It all fell together--if he's really can't pick one. Say I would like to get married on this date and I can almost guarantee his reply would be "Whatever you want, baby!" It looks like he needs two choices for picking rather than a list! Remember guys don't think like us and they want things simply and easy. They usually aren't dreaming of their wedding since they were young. They, honestly, don't care. So help him out and give him less choices and less time to "forget."
and our year is based on our budget because we needed to save money so I decided on how much money I would like to budget for our wedding/honeymoon. I set out how much money that we can afford to set aside each month towards the wedding and divide what we needed by the months...and boom the year came out. (with some extra months ;)
We wanted to do it all under 10,000. We are setting aside 500 a month for the wedding. 10,000/500=20 months..so I picked the May after the 20th month. It's actally 26 months but it gives us room cuz something happens that we aren't able to put all of the money towards the wedding account (car breaks down, family emergencies...something like that)
We went by our schedules. We took a look at our calendars and decided either May or June of 2010. We went to look at venues and fell in love with the one we picked. The coordinator there opened the calendar, and there were only TWO dates (this was back in January btw) open for May/June 2010! So we jumped on it and booked the June date right then and there.
Sounds like your FI is avoiding the topic like the plague... and playing off that he doesn't know what you're talking about??!! That is STRANGE! Why don't you suggest looking at venues first? And maybe just TELL him what you're thinking (ie season, dates, venue)... don't wait for him to make the decision or the first move because it sounds like that will never happen!
Wow, that is very very frustrating! I agree with many of the others; I'd just go ahead and pick a date (or 2-3) and then make him decide from there. If you narrow it down, perhaps then you'll get a definitive answer at that point! Every single day of the year is an overwhelming thought I'm sure...its hard to pick!
I wouldn't just pick yourself because maybe there is a reason he isn't picking. Hate to say it but you guys should really talk.
I have to agree with Br1tSH... there seems to be a bigger issue. If he really, really wanted to marry you, he would! His aversion to finalizing a date or even a year is very strange. I don't know how you've put up with this for so long-- how disheartening! 2012 is 3 years away!!
You guys need to have a serious talk about what HIS expectations are and where he see's your relationship in the next few years. I wouldn't set a date without talking to him about WHY he doesn't want to set a date... you need to get to the bottom of this first!
((HUGS)) sorry you're dealing with this!
Well, i talked to him yesterday. He just said, " we can't afford it right now". . .Um, last time i check picking a season, year, month DIDN'T cost money. Having an IDEA of what STATE we want to get married doesn't cost money. It hurts when family and friends keep asking when or where we are getting married and I have to say, "Sometime after 2012." I told him about how venues get booked really fast and that I don't want a backyard redneck wedding like the ones on CMT. We were browsing at wedding band and he WANTS TO KEEP HIS promise ring that's all old and dinged up. *sigh* I can't believe he doesn't want a wedding band either. I wrote a NEW list of dates, SHORTER and more simple. If just says Month/Day/Year. I asked him if I chose a date would it be better. He doesn't want me to pick a date without him. Grrrrrr. All this talking to him was not everyday, It was like once every 3 days I asked him 1 question. Its really discouraging.
soooo we got engaged in oct 08 and he wanted to get married in june of 10 i thought that was a little long so asked him if june09 would be ok. he agreed, but was reluctant. well a month after we got engaged our house was robbed, a month after that his mother had a heart attack and died, two months after that my dad fell and hurt his knee causing him to need a knee replacement so two months after that dad had the surgery (later that month FI told me he couldn't get married yet, still dealign with the loss of his mom) a month after that we got bloodwork back and my dad's cancer was out of remission after six years so three months after that my dad had surgery again and two months after that we found out that my FIs grandpa has kidney cancer. soooo needless to say the june 09 wedding wouldnt have worked anyway but now we are at a year past his mothers death, my dad is out of the woods and we are at 8 months past the postponement and he still doesnt want to set a date, needless to say i am getting a little worried. 
I suggested the date and FI agreed. He's more interested in the marriage then the wedding, he wants me to have a great day and trust my decision. I told him 12/31/10, venues book quickly we gotta secure now. Took him to the venue, done deal.
You have to know your partner and what will work and won't work.
Don't take this the wrong way, but if he can't committ to a date 4 years out (this begun last year if i'm reading correctly), then it seems you may have bigger issues. If money is his concern, perhaps you can tell him what budget you are thinking of, and that will bring him some comfort. If you know the venue you want, I would find their available dates in 2011, and tell him to choose. End of story.
we got engaged in May, w had talked about it alot first cause he kept saying he couldnt wait to marry me but he didnt have the ring yet, but we actually discussed the date before the ring.
He said he couldnt wait til fall of 10 to marry me, he is a spring guy im a summer so we went with June 5, its technically spring yet June to me is summer-y.
Also, it is the day his grandpa got married and its my grandpa's b-day both sadly they will both only attend ins spirit, but it makes the day perfect.
I agree with looking at venues and then deciding. My husband's in school so our option was to try to get married over the summer (about a 6 month engagement) or to wait until the following January. Our actual date was totally at the mercy of our venue. We had been eying the middle of August but I was able to save $700 by moving up three weeks, so we did.
And dates for next year are not necessarily booked up yet. We didn't even get engaged til mid-January and had a summer wedding.
Hm, sounds like the list is not an effective way to communicate with him.
Are you two already engaged? Or are you hoping that picking a date will help him know when it's time to propose?
When you're both ready to seriously talk about marriage, it sounds like sitting down together and talking about what you want your wedding to be like, and then pros and cons of various dates/seasons, would be beneficial.
For us, we're picking the venue we love and taking their first available. :)
My FI basically forced me to sit down and pick a date...Now I am happy he did but now he wants to change it...
Our venue gave us a list of dates that would work and we picked one of them. I think you need to lay off the list and get him in the car and book a venue. Maybe there are other reasons he's stalling. Communication is key here.
We knew we wanted July but it came down to the venue. I wanted July 24th but it was already taken so we went with the 17th.
FI and I both agreed with the season. I wanted ~one-year engagement so we both agreed on May/June. Then he let me pick whatever date I wanted.
Here's an update. It is SOME of it is copied and pasted from another thread I did more recently.
I did ask him if we should just be married on my birthday next year. He said he didn't think it was a good idea.
I said, well then our anniversary next year?
He said, "Maybe."
Sigh. Maybe I better than nothing, but it does take TIME to prepare for a wedding.
(ok, here's copies and pasted parts)
Last week, I just found the list I gave him a couple of years ago. I was shocked because I thought he threw it away like he does all his papers. I could tell he actually felt bad when I mentioned that MOST of the dates have already passed and I crossed the dates out. I didn't get upset, I just said, "You know most of these dates have already passed." He was like, "What are you doing?" I said, "I am just crossing the ones off that have already passed or are too close to plan a wedding (less than a year and/or year and a half). He didn't like that. I was surprised that it mattered to him, given his past behavior.
I did ask him if he still wanted to marry me (a couple of weeks ago) and I asked him calmly in a not confrontal way. He said, "I would not have asked (you) if I didn't."
One time I said, "We are not going to get married, are we?" I asked him because of financial issues.
He said, "We will, someday/oneday."
I did asked him, "Probably not even next year, right?"
He was like, "I don't know, maybe."
I really hope he is not stringing me along. He has been alot more sensitive and attentive. Kinda like he was when we first started dating.
I picked the season, he agreed. The actual date was not much of a choice, really. It was the day that both our church and the venue we wanted were available.
I just read your update. It doesn't sound like you guys are anywhere near ready for the practical considerations of picking a date. There seem to be more serious things below the wedding-planning surface that you need to deal with first, before you can start contacting venues. I hope it works out!
When future Mr.MangoBerry proposed he mentioned that we would wait until I finished graduate school (he knew it was something I wanted). I think he was thinking we'd be married the day after my last final! But I mentioned that I needed to take the bar exam in September and he understood. I would have loved a Christmas wedding, but he thought it was too far away and I compromised for October. Two more months to our wedding! about 1 year and 7 months after our engagement :-)
YUP. Still no date. He says that we will get married. But you know. . .I just don't know anymore. Does anyone have any ideas I could try to spice things up a bit?
I don't think it's a matter of spicing things up. I think it's a matter of figuring out what exactly is holding him back from setting a date/planning a wedding. Honestly, from your posts it sounds like he's dragging his feet and he'll do this until you let him know that he needs to communicate with you about what's going on. Being affectionate and sweet text messages seem like his trying to buy some time and keep you happy without making a committment about the wedding. Just my opinion.
We picked our date within a month of being engaged last October. We looked at venues, figured out which one we liked, and they only had a couple dates left for the summer. We picked one that him, me, our parents and siblings could make it to, and it was done.
We just went with the dates that the venue had open. There were only a few dates left and I picked one.
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I gave my fiancée a list of different dates: 2 or 3 different dates per season. They are set in two different years. He has NOT set a date and I gave him the list over a year ago. He can't even tell me what year he want to get married, what age he would want to be, what season. Most of those dates were NEXT YEAR, and I know it's too late pick those dates now. It has gotten to the point my aunt/mother figure told us we should just elope, just get married and/or just have kids. :( I don't think either of those are a good idea. Should I still be patient with him. I am not in a rush to get married, I just would like to be able to tell people a year, a season, a month, a day, anything other that. . .I am thinking probably sometime after 2012. I have dreamed about this day since I was a little girl, but unfortuately. . .dreams don't always tell you what time or season or date.