(Closed) He can't make a decision…should I move on?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@pitbull_momma:  he just doesn’t have that “feeling” yet that we would be successful at a marriage or that I am “the one.”

It sounds like he’s given you his answer. You deserve to be with someone who knows he wants to be with you. I would leave. 

Post # 4
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I told him that I wanted to have an answer soon, because I can’t keep hanging around.

You are giving him the power and you waiting around in a passive state for HIM to decide that you are the one that he wants.


First – put that Mr Bee’s action plan in place.

Second – STOP giving him the power to “decide” YOUR FATE.  YOU are in charge of YOUR fate.  Act like it.

Third – STOP mentioning limbo or whatever or thinking about getting married.  Why do you want to marry a guy who doesn’t know if you are the one?  Why is it HIS decision to decide if you are the one.  Take a good cold hard look at him.  IS HE ‘THE ONE’ FOR YOU????????  THAT is the question you should be asking.

FOURTH – STOP doing all the work.  You CAME UP with the solution of signing a pre-nup so that HE would be more comfortable?  NO NO NO. And I am pro-pre-nup, I think they are a fine idea…. but NOT for use to make someone “more comfortable” about the idea of marrying you.  Pre-nups are used to ensure that BOTH parties are protected in the case the marriage does not work out.  How would YOU benefit from a pre-nup?  If you can’t answer that (other than to say it would be used to entice him to marry you) then a pre-nup is NOT for you.


How long have you been living with him?  Yes, I think the next step is for you to move out.  Why should get a wife if he doesn’t want to commit to one?  If he buckles down and works seriously on his issues and decides you are the one…. great.  If not….. well, then you are well on your way to finding a man who deserves you.

Post # 5
662 posts
Busy bee

@AlwaysSunny:  plus one.


You know what his answer is,… sorry.  I’m so sorry for your loss in regards to the pregnancy as well.  I cannot imagine what that felt like. 


You’re never too old to find Mr. Right.

Post # 6
242 posts
Helper bee

@AlwaysSunny:  +1

I agree. If he is uncertain you are the one he may never be “certain”. I’m not sure what changed from him asking you to marry him and being sure that you were the one to not being sure. I would ask him this….. “Why were you so sure before and then now you aren’t. What changed in that time?” You should take care of you and at least move out to give the relationship some space. Then you can ponder things and so can he. He might realize he lost the best thing that he had and come around or you may realize that there is someone out there better for you. Good luck and big hugs!

Post # 7
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PP’s when they say it sounds like he’s already made a decision. I’m pretty sure if my Darling Husband would have told me he didn’t know if I was the one while we were dating, I would have left. That’s a hurtful thing to say to someone. And if he’s not sure, I wouldn’t think you’d wanna waste any more time.

Post # 8
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@pitbull_momma:  *Hugs* I am so sorry for what you’re going through 🙁

I think that you should probably break up with him. You don’t deserve this treatment. That’s the logical thing to do, but it’s hard obviously. Tell him what you told us and see what he says. It’s probably not good if the only reason he wants to marry you is because he’s afraid to lose you, but I think you’ve suffered enough.

Post # 9
218 posts
Helper bee

@pitbull_momma:  You have come to the right place for support and advice.

While a lot of us on here can relate to stalling, waiting, etc… I have to admit I don’t like the fact that he sort of backed off being engaged and it is now in complete limbo. it’s sort of moving backwards unfortunately.

I am not sure if breaking up with him immediately is the right thing… but i think you need to establish some firm boundaries and get some answers.

There have been a couple great threads started in the last few days, and a lot of good advice and perspective flying around here. A good point that has been made is, every couple is different, and its hard to ever hear a set of circumstances and be able to say for certain what is going on.

I think what he is doing is unfair and he is torturing you. If he isn’t aware of how upsetting it is, he needs to become aware right away. And if he knows and is doing it anyway, you have some decisions to make.


Post # 10
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@pitbull_momma:  This is a tough one.. I’m sorry you’re going through this! The loss of a baby and on top of that your engagement :/. Unfortunately I think you need to leave him. I know that it probably feels like you will lose everything but darling, you deserve someone who KNOWS they want to be with you and KNOWS you are the one and can’t wait to have you as their wife. You deserve better!

Good luck! We are here for support <3

Post # 11
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

But first talk to him and make sure he knows EXACTLY how you feel and see what he says then!

Post # 12
3588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@pitbull_momma:  Sweeties, I am so sorry. He has given you the answer, you are released to find someone who will not be lukewarm about you.

Post # 13
9217 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I wouldn’t advise someone to leave just because the guy isn’t ready for marriage.  Mine wasn’t for years and years, but I didn’t care about getting married at the time either.  However, I knew that he absolutely knew I was the one.  He doesn’t know this, and I think after 2 years and at age 28 you probably do know or you don’t… 

Post # 14
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

He said that he needed more time than that, because he just doesn’t have that “feeling” yet that we would be successful at a marriage or that I am “the one.”

I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re “the one” for him and waiting around will not make you “the one.” He’s basically said he thinks there’s someone better out there for him. It’s time to move on. I know it’s going to be hard and my heart goes out for you but there IS someone out there who will love and respect you the way you deserve. Hugs.

Post # 15
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lolot:  I can agree with you. We were together for 5 years before he was ready to propose… but in my situation he was just against the idea of marriage. He knew I was “the one” but wasnt sold on the idea of getting married until we went to a close friends wedding and he saw how meaningful it is. He told me he had never been to a wedding before our friends wedding so that all makes sense now.

And OP, your man may just need more than 2 years to figure it out. It took us 5. I do also agree with the other comments saying that you deserve someone who is not lukewarm about you. Take a long and hard look at your relationship. Most importantly, do not pressure him, you may end up with something you dont want.

Post # 16
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

After two years, he either knows or he doesn’t. And if he doesn’t know after two years of living with you, the odds aren’t looking good that he ever will. You should be glad, though, that he isn’t continuing to string you along with a neverending list of “We can get married when ____” He sounds like he is a good man, but him being a good man doesn’t make him the right man.

But don’t feel bad. I was your age when I broke my engagement off. I was so afraid that I was going to be too old, but when I walked out of there that day I felt younger than I had in years. I think deep down I knew it wasn’t right. And maybe you do, too. Unless you have serious fertility problems (which I doubt, since you got pregnant accidentally) you still have plenty of time. 

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