Post # 1
I’m posting under a name I do not use. I need to talk to someone.
My fiance and I both agreed we did not want children. Now suddenly he is talking about it and making me the bad guy because I really don’t want them. by the time we are married I will be 41 and he will be 36. Having a child outside of marriage is something I REFUSE to do. This is both our first marriage. We are not spring chickens.
I am worried what having a child will do to my body, but besides that risk factors rise as I get older and to be honest I don’t want a child with development problems. Call me mean but having a “normal” kid is hard enough. I dont want one with issues and I honestly think if we did have a kid with problems it would break us apart. Plus I dont even know if I can get preganant at that age.
I dont understand why the sudden change. he has never been around kids. He hasn’t babysat. He loves to sleep in till 1 pm on the weekends. He stays up late on the weekends too. He loves doing everything he wants to do. He spends his money on his hobbies. I dont think he fully understands what a child will do to the relationship or him. And I don’t want to be the only person rasing this kid.
I love him dearly. We are always on the same page about everything. We were on the same page about this too, then suddenly BAM! it changes. I really am lost and confused. I finally found a man I want to marry and now…what?
Has anyone else experienced this?
Post # 3
Have you considering fostering an older child or adoption?
Post # 4
@flaxenfox: I asked him that and he refuses because he says they come with too much baggage. I always thought about adoption, even when I was single and younger.
Post # 5
@Iamthatgirl: Try to sit him down and have a REAL discussion about what having a child will take. The “freedoms” you give up, the money, the risks and everything else that concerns you both. If he never wanted kids before he may just be going through a stage where everyone around him is having kids and it just seems like the next logical step you’re *supposed* to take.
I don’t want kids either. I agree with you, not WANTING one should be enough of a reason to not have one.
Post # 6
What is his reason for suddenly wanting children? If you’re going to marry him you need to listen to him as well as expecting him to listen to you. Try to understand his position and don’t oppose him while he’s talking, let him talk.
Maybe he’ll talk himself out of it again if you’re patient. Trying too hard to push your views will only make him want to dig his heels in deeper. You don’t have to agree with him, but hear him out.
Post # 7
I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this–this is a nightmare that I have as an established woman who also knows she does not want children. There are still a lot of people who have a hard time understanding that you can want the companionship and support and love of a spouse without wanting children, and I’ll bet you were so relieved to find someone that you thought was on the same page with you. I feel for you. 🙁
I guess you need to think about why you don’t want children. I don’t want them because I see them as a restriction on my freedom that I’m not willing to accept. As a consquence I’m not interested in getting pregnant or adopting. If your reasons are different, then you might be open to adoption, as other posters have suggested. However, I think that it’s really dangerous to acquiese to this sort of thing without being 100% on board, because I imagine that if it turns out to really make you unhappy, the ensuing resentment could destroy your relationship and badly affect the child.
I really am so sorry that this has been thrown at you. I offer you a virtual hug of support.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Iamthatgirl: There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children and it’s unfair for him to change his mind but at least he is being honest about it before you are actually married.
Yes, your chances of birth defects go up after you are 35 and again after 40, but if you are healthy and active, the chances are even lower. However, you made an excellent point that his lifestyle is not one conducive to raising a small child. He may or may not change his behaviors if you have a child and honestly, you can’t rely on him to change so it sounds like a lot of the caregiving responsibilities would be falling on you.
At the end of day is this a dealbreaking situation for either of you? Will he walk if you refuse to have kids? Will you walk if he refuses to remain childfree? Are you okay with losing him over not wanting a child? What if you have a child and he leaves you (dies unexpectedly or shacks up with another woman) as a single parent raising the child on your own? You definitely need to continue having conversations about this and consider that it may mean that your relationship won’t work out in the longrun.
Post # 9
@ValerieBee03: I agree with you that I think it is something that he thinks he is SUPPOSE to do. I will try to talk to him again. What we have is really good right now. And the people I see with kids have marriages falling apart, they rarely talk or they dont even want to be near each other. I don’t want that stress.
Post # 10
@Iamthatgirl: To each their own, I suppose. As far as natural pregnancy, I find all your concerns to be very valid. Autism rates are skyrocketing, and if that’s something you don’t want to deal with, I find that very fair. Adoption is an avenue that would offer less “baggage,” and there are plenty of children under the age of five who need fostering and wouldn’t have the same emotional problems as an older child. I guess another avenue would be offering to babysit a child for a friend for a weekend as a “trial” for your fiance – with full knowledge of said friend, of course.
Post # 11
@MarriedToMyWork: This is my biggest nightmare, because you are right. I am on the verge of tears right now. My entire life I have always been upfront with children and how I didn’t want them. It was a long, painful road to finally, FINALLY find someone who agreed and now this. I’m heartbroken over it. I really am.
@beachbride1216: I’m really screwed either way. I don’t want to be single again. I love him more than anything else. And frankly I was lucky to find him. You’d think it would be easy to find men who didn’t want kids, but thats not really the case.
Post # 12
Everyone has their deal breakers and to have/not have children is usually one of the biggies..if this is a deal breaker for either of you…better to know now and not after you’re married. I’m so sorry you were thrown this curve ball but best of luck to you!
Post # 13
@Iamthatgirl: UGH! What a nightmare!
If you don’t want kids, I definitely agree that you shouldn’t have them just to make him happy.
Yeah, he could suddenly turn into a morning-friendly Super-Dad, but much more likely he doesn’t change his ways at all, and it all falls on you!
Do you guys go to couple’s therapy or pre-cannon or anything? It might help to have a mediator!
Post # 14
@BrandNewBride: Pre canon isn’t coming up for a while. Our wedding is a few years off because my father bailed on us and decided not to pay so we have to save on our own. Which is fine, but it does delay the wedding.
Post # 15
Sounds like you’ve always known you didn’t want kids. Just because he all the sudden changed his mind does not mean that you should too. Kids are an issue that I absolutely think you should not compromise on & he shouldn’t either, so if you’re not on the same page I would not get married. Be up front with him & make it clear you don’t want kids. If it’s something he really wants, then let him go.
I’m really sorry, this must be so tough, this is one of those “major life regrets” issues. If you really love each other that might mean breaking up. I hope that he’s just going through a phase and goes back to how he used to feel about having kids, but if he doesn’t then you’ll both be better off finding new partners who agree on the issue. Good luck <3
Post # 16
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
Your story really reminds me of the book Baby Proof which while a fictional book it touched on this subject.I
I think all of your points are valid and I think that no matter who changes their mind if you were both very clear and upfront about this initially, well that’s a huge blow. I’ve known couples where the woman has changed her mind and people end up vilifying the husband for not wanting to go along with it! Well if you agreed beforehand that you did not want children..I don’t get that? It seems like the person who doesn’t want a child ends up being the bad guy which is so unfair.
You’re not in the wrong at all with how you feel and it should come to no surprise to him that you don’t want children. I think continuing to have an honest and open discussion with him on this subject now is probably best. Does he just feel this is something he should do? Or is it something that he’ll be resentful about later? Can he see having a happy life now without children? I think he needs to ask himself these questions since I feel you’ve already made up your mind. I don’t think you should have to change it for him. If you were to I would ask yourself the same questions, if you’re up all night with a baby are you going to be resentful of him for this decision? It’s a huge commitment. I would also suggest speaking to a genetic counselor and doctors beforehand if you do consider pregnancy at all to see what they say about your concerns. Everyone is different. Many women your age do have perfectly healthy babies, so don’t assume the worst would happen.
I hope you’re able to work it out.