He changed his mind dunno what to do

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Have you considering fostering an older child or adoption?

Post # 5
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@Iamthatgirl:  Try to sit him down and have a REAL discussion about what having a child will take. The “freedoms” you give up, the money, the risks and everything else that concerns you both. If he never wanted kids before he may just be going through a stage where everyone around him is having kids and it just seems like the next logical step you’re *supposed* to take.

I don’t want kids either. I agree with you, not WANTING one should be enough of a reason to not have one.

Post # 6
Member
9224 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

What is his reason for suddenly wanting children?   If you’re going to marry him you need to listen to him as well as expecting him to listen to you.  Try to understand his position and don’t oppose him while he’s talking, let him talk. 

Maybe he’ll talk himself out of it again if you’re patient.  Trying too hard to push your views will only make him want to dig his heels in deeper.  You don’t have to agree with him, but hear him out.

Post # 7
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this–this is a nightmare that I have as an established woman who also knows she does not want children.  There are still a lot of people who have a hard time understanding that you can want the companionship and support and love of a spouse without wanting children, and I’ll bet you were so relieved to find someone that you thought was on the same page with you.  I feel for you.  🙁  

I guess you need to think about why you don’t want children.  I don’t want them because I see them as a restriction on my freedom that I’m not willing to accept.  As a consquence I’m not interested in getting pregnant or adopting.  If your reasons are different, then you might be open to adoption, as other posters have suggested.  However, I think that it’s really dangerous to acquiese to this sort of thing without being 100% on board, because I imagine that if it turns out to really make you unhappy, the ensuing resentment could destroy your relationship and badly affect the child.

I really am so sorry that this has been thrown at you.  I offer you a virtual hug of support. 

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Iamthatgirl:  There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children and it’s unfair for him to change his mind but at least he is being honest about it before you are actually married.

Yes, your chances of birth defects go up after you are 35 and again after 40, but if you are healthy and active, the chances are even lower.  However, you made an excellent point that his lifestyle is not one conducive to raising a small child.  He may or may not change his behaviors if you have a child and honestly, you can’t rely on him to change so it sounds like a lot of the caregiving responsibilities would be falling on you.

At the end of day is this a dealbreaking situation for either of you?  Will he walk if you refuse to have kids?  Will you walk if he refuses to remain childfree?  Are you okay with losing him over not wanting a child?  What if you have a child and he leaves you (dies unexpectedly or shacks up with another woman) as a single parent raising the child on your own?  You definitely need to continue having conversations about this and consider that it may mean that your relationship won’t work out in the longrun.

Post # 10
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Iamthatgirl:  To each their own, I suppose. As far as natural pregnancy, I find all your concerns to be very valid. Autism rates are skyrocketing, and if that’s something you don’t want to deal with, I find that very fair. Adoption is an avenue that would offer less “baggage,” and there are plenty of children under the age of five who need fostering and wouldn’t have the same emotional problems as an older child. I guess another avenue would be offering to babysit a child for a friend for a weekend as a “trial” for your fiance – with full knowledge of said friend, of course.

Post # 12
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Everyone has their deal breakers and to have/not have children is usually one of the biggies..if this is a deal breaker for either of you…better to know now and not after you’re married. I’m so sorry you were thrown this curve ball but best of luck to you!

 

Post # 13
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Iamthatgirl:  UGH! What a nightmare!

If you don’t want kids, I definitely agree that you shouldn’t have them just to make him happy.

Yeah, he could suddenly turn into a morning-friendly Super-Dad, but much more likely he doesn’t change his ways at all, and it all falls on you!

Do you guys go to couple’s therapy or pre-cannon or anything? It might help to have a mediator!

Post # 15
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sounds like you’ve always known you didn’t want kids. Just because he all the sudden changed his mind does not mean that you should too. Kids are an issue that I absolutely think you should not compromise on & he shouldn’t either, so if you’re not on the same page I would not get married. Be up front with him & make it clear you don’t want kids. If it’s something he really wants, then let him go.

I’m really sorry, this must be so tough, this is one of those “major life regrets” issues. If you really love each other that might mean breaking up. I hope that he’s just going through a phase and goes back to how he used to feel about having kids, but if he doesn’t then you’ll both be better off finding new partners who agree on the issue. Good luck <3

Post # 16
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

Your story really reminds me of the book Baby Proof which while a fictional book it touched on this subject.I

I think all of your points are valid and I think that no matter who changes their mind if you were both very clear and upfront about this initially, well that’s a huge blow. I’ve known couples where the woman has changed her mind and people end up vilifying the husband for not wanting to go along with it! Well if you agreed beforehand that you did not want children..I don’t get that? It seems like the person who doesn’t want a child ends up being the bad guy which is so unfair.

You’re not in the wrong at all with how you feel and it should come to no surprise to him that you don’t want children. I think continuing to have an honest and open discussion with him on this subject now is probably best. Does he just feel this is something he should do? Or is it something that he’ll be resentful about later? Can he see having a happy life now without children? I think he needs to ask himself these questions since I feel you’ve already made up your mind. I don’t think you should have to change it for him. If you were to I would ask yourself the same questions, if you’re up all night with a baby are you going to be resentful of him for this decision? It’s a huge commitment. I would also suggest speaking to a genetic counselor and doctors beforehand if you do consider pregnancy at all to see what they say about your concerns. Everyone is different. Many women your age do have perfectly healthy babies, so don’t assume the worst would happen.

I hope you’re able to work it out.

 

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