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You aren't stupid for wanting to see the best in someone you love and hoping that he could change, or that you could move past what happened.
I think it would be best to take some time alone to really look at what happened and how you actually feel about your relationship and husband. It may be that you can't forgive, and that's not your fault. Staying in a bad marriage because fo what people might think is a very special sort of self torture, and I don't think anyone deserves it, particularly when he or she isn't the bad actor.
Take a few days off work, throw some stuff in your car and just drive for a bit. Try to envision a happy life and marriage and be honest with yourself about whether or not you think that's achievable with your husband. Maybe it's not. And that's not your fault. You didn't mess around. He did.
Yes, marriage is a serious commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly, but there's a difference between two people with disparate personalities and values struggling together to smooth out the rough places or get through a traumatic event and one person trying to survive the daily misery of being yoked to a liar, a cheat, a drunk or an abuser.
I've said it before and will say it again - you get one life. One. No do overs or takebacks. So f*** wht other people think. You know what's best for you and they can go to h***.
Honestly, I won't say you shouldn't have married him. You already know that. What I will say, is that there is nothign to be embarassed about. He went into counseling, you thought you could work things out, but you can't get over it and its torturing you. Maybe try separating for a while, to see if that helps. Maybe go to individual counseling to see if you can get a grip on it. I wouldn't completely call it quits now, since you are married, but try to see if you can get yourself back on track
I don't think you are stupid at all. People have these kinds of issues all the time. You guys are trying to work on it and that's all you can do. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. You should check his emails, phone, etc, and he should be happy to let you. It sounds like he's cooperative with that, which is AWESOME! Is he continuing counseling? Are you? That's a great idea. Is he doing what he needs to do in order to win back your trust? It can take awhile, but you guys could come out of this stronger.
Maybe you should go to counseling as well? Do you think it would be beneficial to you so you can work out your trust issues? Has your husband done anything to make you think he's going to relapse?
You need to do what's best for you, plain and simple. I have always felt that you need to always be able to take care of yourself first and foremost, anyone else (well, besides children) come second.
I definitely don't believe entering into a marriage with a man you don't trust is a good idea. I think it sets a tone in your marriage you don't want to carry on. I also don't feel like because he's cheated in the past, or because his parents had adulterous relationships forgives him in any way, shape, or form for having an "emotional affair" with someone else.
Counseling is a good step. Yelling, screaming, or acting like it didn't happen aren't going to help you in the long run. You have a lot of emotional healing to do before you can ever consider trusting him again.
Maybe take some time to stay with a friend and have a little time to yourself to clear your head? Good luck! **hugs**
It sounds like you took all the right steps at the time, caught him lying and didn't let him get away with it then actually attempted to work things out by going to counceling. I believe that people can change for the better, he might have learned from this experience and will never do it again.. or he might have learned that he can get away wiht it even if he's caught.
Are you still in counseling? If I were you, I would go alone to discuss the emotions that are taking place right now. I don't know if it's possible to ever trust him again, but at this point you've taken vows so you should try.
Are you still in counseling? I ask because, although your husband wasn't having a physical affair, I would still consider what he did "cheating," and infidelity is not something you can just get over. You and your husband both have to work hard at it (if that's the path you choose), and it takes a long time to gain back that trust that was lost; it can take years to be able to trust again. I'm not sure how long you've been married, but it sounds like your situation is getting worse, not better. That's a sign to me that there isn't much healing going on.
I don't think anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage; I really don't think anyone should stay with someone they cannot trust 100%. It must be miserable to feel scared/anxious/unhappy all the time and question his every move. I also think, though, that, if you choose, you may be able to move past this, but it won't be without tears, heartache, and lots of hard work. Unfortunately, that's not a decision we can make for you; you're the only one who can decide if you want to try again or leave now. Hugs, icanttrusthim, I know this isn't an easy decision.
ETA: If you do decide to continue working on your relationship, I really recommend the book Emotional Infidelity by Gary Nueman. I think it's an awesome marriage help book for people who aren't dealing with infidelity, but it's written specifically for people in your situation.
I am in counseling. My therapist has been trying to help me get through it, but it's just not working.
@teaadntoast: I want to just break away for a bit, but our families are so wrapped up in our lives even that is tough to do right now.
@BackyardLoveBird: he is doing all of the things that he is "supposed" to be doing. I am as well. It's just so hard I always feel like he's still doing something. Before the last time I thought something was going on and I didnt trust my instincts. So now I don't know if they are my instincts or just my mistrust from before telling me it's happening again.
All of this stuff is just making me fall out of love with him. He at times makes my skin crawl. I feel so bad for saying that, because he's my husband, but it's true.
I agree w/ Potatoes - if you two are going to couples counseling, I think it would be beneficial to see someone by yourself. They may be able to give advice on how to learn to re-build trust.
Edit: just saw your 2nd post. So the only advice I have is to give it time, it could take years to build that trust, but you need to be honest with yourself if you are willing or even want to stick it out that long...
Listen no one can tell you what the right thing for you is, deep down inside weather you want to admit it or not you know what you need/want to do. My first marriage my ex cheated on me and I stayed and tried to make it work. It just got worse, to the point where I was consumed with checking on where he was and what he was doing all the time, facebook, phones, email, seeing if he was really at his friends. Don't live your life like that. Your family will understand, and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You need to make yourself happy.
@icanttrusthim: Perhaps it would best, regardless of what happens in your marriage, for your family to be a bit less involved in your daily doings. It's good to be close and to have people in your life who know you better than anyone, but you shouldn't feel trapped or suffocated because you're afraid of disappointing Mom, Dad, Ganny, whoever.
You don't owe anyone an explanantion as to why you've decided to take a solo trip or whatever. They can surmise whatever they want, but you're under no obligation to provide them with a detailed play-by-play of your interior life just because you share genetic material.
Personally, I'd start the paperwork to end the marriage and move on with my life. As for what people will think, there will be some who wonder why you went through with it in the first place- you have to have confidence in your decision and be willing to take your lumps for making the mistake.
I agree with all previous posts... I am so sorry you are going thru this... He kinda sounds like a selfish man and you deserve better. Its not going to be easy I wasn't married but was in a long term relationship living together and found out he was cheating and (only once but still) and he made my skin crawl and everytime we tried to be intimate I felt like he was a stranger and eventually I broke up with him.
You only have one life and you shouldnt live feeling like this. Take a short vaca or just one full day away from everything and everyone. Keep us posted
The same things that you guys are writing is exactly how I feel...
On one end I'm like it's time to just pack it up and move on. Yes, I made a mistake, but it happened, and now it's time to face the music and get divorced. I need to take time for myself to heal.
Then there's the other part, where I made these vows after I knew what was going on and I should do everything that I can to make my marriage work. He is doing everything that he can to try to get me to believe in him again.
I feel bi-polar. Sometimes we have really good moments, good weeks even, but then this feeling creeps back up and everything comes crashing back down.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this. The part of your first post that keeps bugging me is the fact that he went soooo far to hide this from you after you found out about it. You guys were fighting over his phone and he didn't want you calling the girl that he was talking to. He isn't sorry that he emotionally cheated on you, he's sorry that he got caught.
Though you're going to counseling now, I have a feeling that the reason you aren't able to get past it is b/c he went to such a great extent to deny it and hide it from you. That would just make me sick as well. It's not like he fessed up as soon as you discovered what was happening, and I think that's the thing that keeps nagging at you in the back of your mind.
I think I would have done the same thing if I were in your position. I would have married my husband and gotten help. It's just so tough sometimes, b/c we all want to believe in everything our partners say to us, and when that trust is broken, sometimes it can never come back. You really tried with him, and maybe the relationship has run its course now. I don't think anyone can fault you for wanting to leave him even if you did know about this before you married him. You wanted to believe that he wasn't going to do this to you again, but you also can't constantly live your life questioning everything he does and if he's telling you the truth. It's no way to go through a marriage.
@Beluga: they don't really give their opinions ya know...they just try to help you get to a place where you can make a decision. It's pretty much the only topic we discuss and I flip back and forth with her too.
@2PeasinaPod: You're exactly right. I feel like if he would have just told me and not faught me to the point where I had to call her it might be different. During the argument he also told me that I was acting like a crazy jealous person. I think that's the part that bothers me the most. He tried to make me feel like I was nuts for questioning it, knowing that I had caught him. Under my regular name you always understand me too...so strange.
@icanttrusthim: after reading what you just wrote to 2peas, I think you need to leave. He obviously doesn't want to make things work, just find ways to not get caught again. My feeling is, you tried, and it didn't work out. I can't see your family being too upset with you, you did all you could to make things work. He, however, has not
@MrsSl82be: He is trying to make it work. Yes, during the intial catch we argued and he attempted to deny it. However, the next day he admitted everything. Every single thing that happened, including things that she didn't tell me.
He has opened up about everything that he has ever done, to ex's or to me. I do believe that he is trying. Even though I can't always trust it.
Im sorry this is happening to you but I would suggest couples counseling... people cheat for many different reasons so unless hes just a cheating dog there may be some underlining that can be resolved
@icanttrusthim: Have you told her that you feel like the therapy isn't as productive as you'd like it to be?
@icanttrusthim: It sounds like what you're experiencing is pretty normal. You're trying to work through things, you're taking all the right steps, but sometimes you're less hopeful that you'll actually heal from this someday and "get back to normal." To be honest, if you do continue with the relationship and trying to work things out, you're going to be feeling this way for a long while. It might be years of feeling worried/anxious/upset/etc... before you feel like you can move on. It might be years before he is able to earn your trust back.
I think it's ok to admit, at some point, that you've had enough. It's ok to say that you can't/don't want to live like this for the next X number of years. Infidelity isn't easy to overcome, and honestly, your relationship might never heal from it, even after all that work. I really agree with teaandtoast's idea to just take some time for yourself to decide if you want to continue with the process or not. And get away from your husband for a few days. You might discover that you actually miss him and become recommitted to working on your issues, or you might discover that you feel relieved and that you just can't continue the relationship. Good luck; I know it's not an easy decision.
@Beluga: it has been productive. I was actually in quite a deep depression and had to work my way out of that before we started dealing with this.
@Mrs. Spring: I think that teadntoasts advice is actually the route that i am going to go.
I'm in a similiar situation. FI cheated on me (before we were engaged). He at least had some decency (if you even want to call it that) to go on a "break" with me first before he did anything. I didn't know at the time that this break was going to be used for dating another girl, I thought he just needed space because we had been talking about getting married and I thought he was getting scared and needed to take a step back. Eventually I found out the truth (he would have never told me if I didn't find out from snooping on Facebook.. I know, I know!) and he cried, and apologized and begged for me to forgive him. It took me months and took him lots of proofing himself for me to trust him again. It got to the point where I was looking at his cell phone records every month, checking his e-mail and Facebook constantly... after months of seeing his was behaving I slowly began to trust him again. I could see a change in him and sometimes it takes situations like that to make our boys realize what they could be losing. I hope your DH realized his fault and changed. Maybe slowly gaining his trust back will help your relationship. Good luck!
@icanttrusthim: "...where I made these vows after I knew what was going on and I should do everything that I can to make my marriage work."
It seems like you are doing that. Just because you might not be able to make it work doesn't mean you aren't giving it your all. Thinking that success is the only acceptable proof that you really tried is dangerously circular. Sometimes you put forth your absolute best effort - and it's just broken.
But you didn't break it. He did. Just because you'd be the one walking away doesn't mean it's your fault the marriage ended. Because all this working and trying wouldn't be necessary if he hadn't been unfaithful, and that would be the case whether you married him or not.
@teaadntoast: Gosh thank you...you're right. I have been thinking that success in this would be us being happy again and skipping off into the sunset. ugh.
God I'm starting to hate men after reading all these posts lately and I'm so sorry he did that to you =/ Your post made me realize though that maybe my fiance cheating on me has nothing to do with me though and I should stop trying to figure out wtf it is that I DID wrong and start learning to just respect myself and pack up and leave because just like you, I too have been torturing myself over the whole thing.. Checking his fb, his phone records, his emails, his bank to make sure he's not buying movie tickets or taking other women out to dinner and it's just not worth it... There's gotta be good men left out there...somewhere..
@Stupidwoman11: There is, you just have to leave the ones who have betrayed you, so that when the right one comes along, you are able to be with them
Every minute your with the wrong guy, is another minute you are losing the chance to be with the right one for you. Believe it or not, not every guy cheats. Believe it or not, there are people out there that can do monogamy- its up to you to know what your expectations are, and what you are willing to stand for.
From someone who has been there--
Learning to trust again takes the longest in the "getting over it" process. In my case, forgiveness came long before being able to trust, again, But, if you really want it and feel that this marriage is worth saving, it can be done.
I remember when I went through this. I would go on screaming tirades and dared him to say anything to me. I told him he deserved every bit of anger I had and he would hear it. He deserved to have me check up on him, just like I would check on a wayward child.
But, you know what? After a while, the anger left. After a longer while, I could trust again. I have all of his passwords, but I never feel a need to use them.
It was a long, painful process, but I had been divorced once before and too many people said this marriage wouldn't last (because we are different races). I also knew that there was a lot of good in him and that he was truly sorry for what he had done. I was determined that I would make this marriage work, if it was at all possible.
This summer, we are celebrating our 25th anniversary. It actually hurts to think of what my life would have been like without him. I watch him with our grandson (his step) who is named after him, btw, and I think of all the trials we've gone through (my younger daughter had a serious drug addiction and we raised our two oldest grandchldren, I have a chronic illness, and now my older daughter has a life-threatening illness and has moved back in with us). I can't imagine any other man who was ever in my life who would have done all of this.
Regaining that trust takes a long time, but it can be done. You both have to be patient. He has to understand the feelings you have.
Counseling will help, but time will help more, if this is what you want. It can be done.
Good luck in whatever you decide.
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you.
You both seem to be trying, with counselling and all, but I can understand your feelings (it's really hard to trust once you've lost trust and it just transforms you into a paranoid person)
Everyone is different, some worst than others, but if you feel you can get through it (hoping that this does not occur again with him and he betrays you) then it would be great, but if not I don't think we can blame you for leaving because it's not easy to live that way and you shouldn't have to live in fear.
I'm sorry that all this is happening to you but I strongly believe you shouldn't have married a man you don't trust. You already knew about the other women and still chose to marry him despite all that happened. What did you think would happen? That he would magically change? I think you need to end this marriage before it gets any worse. The man sounds like a liar and it doesn't sound like you are ever going to trust him again and you shouldn't because he has given you a reason not to. My advice is to end the marriage and get on with your life before this consumes it.
Another thing I forgot to add was that you want to make sure you think this through because if you decide to stay you may not be happy and want out later, and by then you'll have kids and it just gets harder. You'll have a better chance if you seperate earlier. You can find someone who truly appreciates you and there will be mutual trust in the relationship and you'll know he wants to be with you.
I wish the best for you. It's not going to be easy but I hope you make the right decision.
I haven't been posting on here much lately, but my story is a lot like yours. Got married 7 months ago, we are already separated and I am filing for divorce asap. Just 2 weeks before the wedding I found out some bad stuff he had been hiding from me, and went through with it anyway against my gut feeling. I will fully admit I should not have gone through with it. I didn't have the strength then to back out, but things only got worse after the wedding and I have the strength to leave now.
It sounds like things for you haven't gotten worse since the wedding, but you are kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop any minute now?
No shame in giving it a few more months and seeing how it goes. But if you find any more deceit, please do get out.
I just wanted to say, think back on your entire history with him. Is this truly the 1st instance of lying, being sneaky, covering up, etc.? Or have there been little things here and there that you were willing to gloss over at the time because he seemed so great otherwise? I bet you have a gut feeling about whether or not he is really a person of integrity for whom this is a major lapse, or if this is just more of the same from him, and this time he got caught.
In dealing with him now, do you sense a real change in the way he thinks about things? Has he truly learned, or just learned not to get caught again? What's your gut read on things? You're probably not being paranoid and crazy if you still feel off balance with him. Your gut was right last time.
Keep doing the individual therapy. I think it will really help you get clear on what you want to do.
Also, tell a friend or family member if at all possible. I kept our issues secret from everyone for a long time, fearing judgement. This resulted in me feeling depressed and distant from everyone since no one really knew what was going on in my world. Once I started telling a few trusted people what was going on, it was a massive boulder off my shoulders. There must be one or two people you could tell and swear to secrecy for the time being.
@prettyflowers: Thank you for sharing your story with me. Even though it's awful what you're going through, it does help to know that I'm not alone.
I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop as you said. He has lied about other things, but like eating McDonald's when he knows I hate it. The rest of him has always been pretty honest. He's shared things with me that are embarassing and shameful about his past and what not. I think that this is who he used to be if that makes sense. I think he had a temporary lapse in judgement and kind of hopped back into a pattern he had when he was younger.
He has changed. And when I examine it I know that. He goes as far as checking in all of the time through text and what not. Hanging out with are friends when I travel so that I know where he is. I didn't ask him to do anything of these things, but I think he's just trying to do everything he can to stop making me worry and not trust him.
I did finally tell a friend of mine. It has helped to bounce around what has been going on with someone that understands our dynamic. It made me feel better. I kept feeling like I was walking around holding on to some big horrible secret.
@icanttrusthim: It does sound like he's really working at trying to rebuild your trust in him which is good. Have you talking with him about how the fact that he tried to hide it from you made it that much worse?
And his small, white lies (like the McDonald's thing) - though they don't actually harm you in any way, doesn't help his case when he's trying to earn your trust back. And I think he needs to know that...especially if you do decide to stay with him. Any lie, whether small or huge is still a lie. And every lie he tells you is a major setback. In order for you to be able to trust him, he needs to tell the truth...even if it's something as silly as, "yeah...I ate at McDonald's today...I know you don't like it, but it was quick and easy." Fessing up is a whole lot better than losing the ground he gained back.
It sounds like he is doing what needs to be done to earn your forgiveness, I hope that things continue down that road
The only thing I can say that I don't think has already been said is this:
If you knew (magically somehow) that he would never cheat again, would you stay with him? Or is perhaps the hurt from the last instance too great?
If you would stay if you knew he would never cheat, then I do think you should stay, because he is obviously trying very hard and there is a good chance that he is done with his dishonest ways.
But... If you are just so hurt about the past & always will be, then there is no point in sticking it out.
You deserve to be happy, whether that means staying or going. & I don't think anybody could, or has any right, to judge whatever decision you make in order to get to the place where you are content.
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I am a regular poster not a troll...
I'm not sure exactly what to do and out of total embarassment and can't talk to my friends or family about it. Here's the back story:
About 90 days before we got married I found out that my DH had an emotional affair. He was a retail manager and hit on a girl during an interview and started talking to her. They went on 4 dates. All lunch dates, and nothing physical ever happened. One night we went to go rent a movie and he ran inside and I stayed in the car with his phone. He got a text from this girl, Amy. It said something that you could tell obviously had been an answer to a text sent from him but the history was deleted so I wasn't sure what his text had said. When he got in the car I asked him about it and he claimed that the text must have been for someone else and she made an error. I didn't believe him. I knew that he was lying. We immediatley started arguing. Obviously, someone from work wouldn't text you at 10pm at night by accident. You would have to reply to a prior text and why would he have been texting her anyway? (I hope this is making sense I'm super upset)
So I pretended to be him and I texted her back, "what are you talking about?" we go back and forth and basically I get to the point where I tell her that I am his fiance. She is shocked. I ask if I can call her she agrees. By this time we are back at the house and he is sitting on the couch. I am yelling at him the entire time. He starts trying to pull the phone out of my hands and we are fighting like it is Jerry Springer or something. Finally I get it from him and I call her. He was sitting on the couch like a beaten puppy. She tells me that she didn't know that I existed and that she is so sorry. She tells me that they had been on a few lunch dates and that nothing physical ever happened, but after the last one he did send her a text saying that he wanted to kiss her but chickened out (she later forwarded me all of his texts). We fought back and forth all night and I told him I wasn't marrying him.
I was in total shock and didn't know what to do. We had just sent our invitations out to everyone and I was afraid of looking like an idiot (yes I know that this was stupid) We started going to counseling. Basically, DH had a history of cheating in other relationships. Both his mother and father also committed adultery during their marriage until they were divorced. After counseling it was determined that DH was not cheating to have an actual affair, but it had to do with him needing attention. He made promises to continue counseling to get this all worked out, claimed he was "sick", because he really loved me and wanted to get married. I eventually agreed to go through with it.
I don't trust him. All of this time after, even though I want to forgive him I can't. I check his phone messages, read his email, log into his fb account, and basically torture myself everyday with thoughts that he might be doing something behind back. This isn't the way that a marriage is suppose to be. We are just pretending like nothing happened to the people around us. I wish that I cold just let go of appearances and not be so worried about being judged. I'm so upset and lost.
How do I do this? how do I tell my family? people with think I'm so stupid for going through with it in the first place. I'm so embarassed.