(Closed) He did it again. The selfish monster rears its ugly head.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@claireos:  Every couple has that ONE THING, they fight about over and over, money, kids, the way we express ourselves…there’s always something the other one does, that makes us insane….and fighting about it on a quarterly basis is just like filing taxes, if you don’t fight about it, that means you aren’t really there anyway, you’re on auto-pilot…so big yay for the fight, at least you’re both plugged in!

You expressed yourself clearly, he knows he’s being an ass….now it’s time to let him figure out what the hell he’s going to do about it.  Take a big step back and let sad pants dig his happy pants out of the hamper, put em on and start manning up…I wouldn’t be mean, I wouldn’t be moody, just….not 100% there…you know?  Give him his space, you can be sitting next to him on the sofa and be miles away in your mind…he’ll pick up on it and understand that what he’s doing, or not doing in this case, literally drives you away from him…that’s bad.

Plus, take some time and be kind to yourself, if your DH won’t celebrate with you, find someone who will, treat yourself to a day at the spa, a new handbag, something, because it’s a HUGE acheivement, and recognizing and patting yourself on the back is important too.

Post # 4
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m afraid he reminds me of my ex H. He was (still is) the most negative person I’ve ever met. Long story short, after nearly 15 years of it I couldn’t stand anymore – especially as his attitude had started to wear off on me. 

I’m now with FI, and the difference is like night and day. I know he would support me in anything I would want to do, and would help me to try and make it happen.

Do you really want to be with someone who has made it clear they aren’t on your side, and is this selfish? 

Post # 5
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

First of all, congrats on your degree, and double congrats on getting multiple job opportunities!  It’s a major accomplishment, especially with working full time. 

That being said, I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for either.  You know he should be happy for you, that’s what partners do.  He should be supportive, because again, that’s what partners do.  When you had the opportunity to spend time with your family, he should have been thrilled for you.  Missed you, absolutely.  But he should be smiling and waving at the boarding gate.  He should be able to talk to you rationally about your job options, weigh pros and cons and help you come to a decision that’s best for your situation.  There’s a theme here.  There’s a whole lot of should do, and very little actually doing. 

I can tell you what I would do.  I’d lay out the options very clearly, with things like location, time away from home, and give him one more chance to have a discussion.  If not, make a decision based on what makes you happy and the puts you in the best long term financial situation.  And then I’d tell him that he needs to get his miserable self into some kind of counseling.  Because I cannot imagine how awful day to day life must be when it’s all about bringing other people down. 

Don’t wait on him getting his act together to make a decision though.  If you do, you’ll be stuck with no job, and be just as miserable as he is. 

Post # 6
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@claireos:  Do you think he is depressed? Not trying to play Dr. Phil here, but if he frequently mentions that he’s depressed it might actually be depression itself.

My FI has anxiety (and secondary depression), and over the summer/early fall it was awful. He had absolutely no motivation, any sucesses for me at work were met with comments about how he was a failure (despite making great money for our age). He never planned anything, and just sat around being negative.

Once he went back on his meds, and I convinced him that he needed to go to therapy (we chose cognitive behavior therapy; he later thanked me profusely for “making” him go). And you know what? I have my FI back. He’s talking about the future, excited to make changes and plans, and is talking about getting his CPA. He’s happy again, and in turn, happy for me. Hell, he just made reservations for my birthday dinner – and my birthday isn’t for two months!

Just something to consider. Hopefully he just has a case of the blues and does not need all this. But if he does, please support him. I never resent FI for what he put me through, because honestly at the time, that was as supportive as he was capable of being. I’m just glad he’s “back”.

Post # 8
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@claireos:  Well, being married is something you have to practice…it took Mr. 99 a while to figure out how to apologize…men hate being wrong, it’s more than just making a mistake to them, and admitting they hurt someone else is hard…but hold on to yourself because you deserve that from him and he owes it to you…may not be the exact delivery system you have in mind, but a mea culpa on his part is important.

Post # 10
Member
3150 posts
Sugar bee

I hope he is not jealous that you have options/that you can hold it down while he feels stuck in his life.  Oh, it happens.  Was married to a man like that and it is the.worse.  I can never understand how someone couldn’t be more appreciative of someone (especially if it is his wife) who is holding it down the way you are singlehandedly and has the nerve to be negative about it?!?!? Why isn’t he working again?

Post # 12
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@BeeandBeeBride27:  +1

I haven’t read all your other posts, but has he been screened for depression? Because he sounds it to me.

Post # 13
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is hard.  It also took me 7 years to finish my BS while working full time.  I will finish my MHR at the end of the year, and my husband was 100% like, “if we need to move across the country for a new job, we will.”

Now partly I think he says that because he fully realizes the earning potential this degree will give me, lol, but I think he is also genuinely supportive.  I think that’s what hurts the most when I read your posts is that your DH is not supportive of you or ever thinks about your feelings before his.

This could be due to a medical issue if he has not always been like this.  But this with the vacation thing would have me beyoooooond pissed.  Maybe a 3rd party is in order to help sort out your feelings?

Post # 14
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@claireos:  Fair enough; you seem pretty knowledgeable and have explored all the options. If insurance covers it, it’s not too expensive. FI’s was only $20/session after insurance! But if he doesn’t want to accept help, there’s not a whole lot more you can do to force it on him. Even if you did, it sounds like it would fall on deaf ears.

I’m very sorry. Keep trying! Or hopefully, he will start…

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