- 5 years ago
The above link is really only important if you want a sample of how my DH has been behaving recently. The conclusion to that story? We talked again and he concluded that he “was sorry and didn’t mean to stamp out my excitement” but now “doesn’t know what to do to fix it.” It was left at that. (sigh)
So, had a fight last night and I need more perspective. I was discussing options that I have for work in this coming year. SOME of these options could require big domestic and international moves (which would be amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, but big changes nonetheless). Now, this is not the 1st time in the last year that I’ve brought up my career plans for the near future. He’s my DH, we need to talk about how my job can affect OUR lives and my job is very important since I practically support our household singlehandedly. It’s not something I can just screw around with. I need to make the right decisions…
Anyways…the last 2 times I brought up potential opportunities he reacted in the same way that he did in my last post. He immediately gets negative, talks about how a move would be so hard for him despite the fact that my work would move us, pay for the move, and he would become a stay-at-home spouse for several years and wouldn’t have to work. He’s frequently brought up how he’s been depressed that he spent his 20s working his fingers to the bone with no time to do things he wants to do and I’m now handing him the opportunity and he can’t be anything but negative about it.
I told him that it’s frustrating that every time I try to talk about an opportunity with him he can’t just take 2 seconds to find out if it would make me happy, if I’m excited about it. Instead he immediately takes the train to negative town and starts discussing how any options is just so hard for him, or how it’s not positive enough for him – there’s always something negative. Even with the options that would keep us here! In the same town! In the same house! I get all this support and feedback and positive advice from my supervisor, my cooworkers, friends, parents. But my spouse? It’s like it’s his job to rain on parade and not even be curious as to whether or not I’m EXCITED about these things I’m trying to share with him.
He apologized. Saying that he can’t help that this is his first reaction but years ago he was even worse. But I’m tired of caring. I don’t care if that wasn’t your intention or how you were years before we met! It’s what you’re doing…now…over and over again! You’re not allowing me to be just happy or excited about ANYTHING without making about you and your burdens. This has happened with other facets of our life – commenting that it wasn’t fair that men have to buy engagement rings then refusing my financial assistance and me offering to forego one (yeah, that makes a girl who is financially sensitive feel wonderful). That is just one more example.
I told him he was being selfish. He didn’t like it. But it’s true. He’s being selfish. I just earned my Bachelors after working full-time and going to school part-time for 7 years. I told him I was excited to finish. I’m not able to attend my graduation but that doesn’t make my graduation any less important. My parents sent me some flowers. My DH? Nothing. Barely an acknowledgment. I was hoping that he was planning something and just wasn’t telling me. So, at the end of our arguement I just had to know and asked. He said, “No. I didn’t even think to do anything.” Really?!! You knew how important this was for me. This is the 3rd degree graduation that I’ve had since we’ve been together and this is the 3rd time that he’s decided not to do anything? (I ignored the other 2 times because they were only graduations for AAs) NOTHING! No card. No congrats flowers. I took him out for a celebratory dinner when he was on the last leg of his interviews for his current job then took him out again when he officially landed the job! I told him how proud I was of him and wanted to show him I cared. Him? Nothing.
He apologized again and said that he has no excuse. Said he didn’t know why he didn’t bother to do anything. But I’m tired of apologies. It’s almost like it’s easier for him to just apologize for his behavior than to just take to seconds to be supportive of his WIFE! I’m not even sure he really means it when he does apologize to be honest.
This is obviously a HUGE vent. I’m just upset and after spending hours and hours talking and talking and arguing and talking about the same things over the years with him I’m just exhausted because I don’t believe having a supportive husband is so much to ask. I’m not sure what I’m looking for – support? Advice? Opinions? Perspective? A magic bullet?