He doesn't understand how much his priorities change.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
welliesMember
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Welcome to the hive!

Personally, I wouldn’t “go back to just dating.” If he isn’t going to make you a priority, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him, period.

Post # 4
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@marleyandme:  I second PP. DH considered not necessarily me a priority but our relationship as a family a priority before we even decided to get married. I think if this is something he is unable to understand it could cause huge problems down the road. It doesn’t sound as if he is ready for a real lasting marriage at this point in time… I would try a few more comversations, maybe try to work through hypothetical situations that might help him better understand the shifting priorities and why that needs to happen for a healthy and happy marriage. I would not give him his ring back & go back to dating- either I would postpone the wedding until you can work this out- if possible- or I would have to consider leaving. I couldn’t be second place to anyone’s family and I don’t expect my DH to be either…. Your Husband/Wife should 100% be first in your priorities. 

Post # 5
Member
6510 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t know that I could marry someone who balked when I told him that I should be his first priority. I was FH’s first priority before we got married and he is my first priority.

It’s obviously a decision you need to make for yourself but I would give the ring back if he continued to say that I would not be his first priority

Post # 7
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@marleyandme:  if you guys go to church, perhaps a discussion with a clergy member would help?

Post # 8
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@marleyandme:  maybe help explain to him that marriage is creating a new family, one where (dont flame me, its just a saying) he is “head of the house”.  That new family has to come before old family.

Post # 9
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

I agree with what your saying but I can somewhat see where your fi is coming from. You should be his number one priority at least 90 percent of the time, but there will be times when his family has to come first. What I mean by is what if your mil is in the hospital or your fmil, future father in law, or brother or sister inlaw gets extremely ill or is strained in the middle of nowhere. In the senaros I just mentioned how course they should come first, that shouldn’t be a question. But relationship wise you should be his number one priority. 

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@marleyandme:  I broke up with a long term boyfriend and that was a major reason why. He told me that his Mother would ALWAYS be first in his life (even if/when we had kids), then his brothers, then me.

That didn’t fly with me!

Post # 11
Member
6900 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Was the argument about the concept of putting the marriage first as a general principle, or was there something that happened to precipitate it?  If the latter, FI might just not have appreciated the timing of your remarks.  If it’s the general principle, then yes, I’d say you have issues.  

Post # 12
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

He might just be kind of freaked out that you’re putting it in such black and white terms. I mean what does making you his number one priority really mean? I would also be a little freaked out if my spouse told me I was his number one responsibility. I guess I just see marriage as more of a partnership. 

I guess my point is that maybe you all aren’t really that far apart on how your view marriage. Maybe giving some examples would help him see where you are and vice versa. 

Post # 13
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Sorry but you don’t get to tell someone else what their prioritises should be. Maybe he was taken aback by your behaviour and was flustered.

You can share what you think being married means and you discuss rationally with your partner any differences in opinion but yeah you don’t tell another adult how they should think.

Post # 15
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I dated a guy who made it prety clear that I came second to his mom and dad, and that would never change.  And reading your situation, I see some similarties.   Knowing how that relationship ended, I would be done.  If you are down to bare bones and he is putting their comfort above yours, now is the time to go.

Post # 16
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m never sure how helpful it is to present people with ultimatums about priorities because life is never as neatly divided into compartments. However, from what you have said, it appears that he is having difficulty understanding that it isn’t reasonable to support his family at any expense. Sure, he shouldn’t turn his back on them but it is ludicrous to subsidise them financially at the cost of your own day to day living expenses.

I suspect he is far from ready to get married and if you don’t sort out some sort of happy medium them your married life is likely to be very difficult indeed. Marriage doesn’t sort these sort of unresolved issues out, it merely emphasises them.

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