Post # 1
I got engaged to in August of 2012 we had a date set but we had problems with the priest etc. We had an argument last night about priorities changing when we get married and I tried to tell him that our new family has to be his #1 priority and he flipped out saying how dare I ask him to put myself in front of his family. I explained that he need not care for one another more and sometimes his mother/father will need to come firat but his first responsibility becomes his new wife. I become his blood at that point. Well this may be a breaking point for me. I understand this probably means he is not ready for marriage because he seems not to understand what the idea of marriage is. Would it be wrong for me to give him the ring back and tell him we can go back to just dating until or unless he is completely reafy to commit to me?
Post # 3
Welcome to the hive!
Personally, I wouldn’t “go back to just dating.” If he isn’t going to make you a priority, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him, period.
Post # 4
@marleyandme: I second PP. DH considered not necessarily me a priority but our relationship as a family a priority before we even decided to get married. I think if this is something he is unable to understand it could cause huge problems down the road. It doesn’t sound as if he is ready for a real lasting marriage at this point in time… I would try a few more comversations, maybe try to work through hypothetical situations that might help him better understand the shifting priorities and why that needs to happen for a healthy and happy marriage. I would not give him his ring back & go back to dating- either I would postpone the wedding until you can work this out- if possible- or I would have to consider leaving. I couldn’t be second place to anyone’s family and I don’t expect my DH to be either…. Your Husband/Wife should 100% be first in your priorities.
Post # 5
I don’t know that I could marry someone who balked when I told him that I should be his first priority. I was FH’s first priority before we got married and he is my first priority.
It’s obviously a decision you need to make for yourself but I would give the ring back if he continued to say that I would not be his first priority
Post # 6
Thanks everyone for your answers. It is so hard to just make a decision like this based on one incident, even if it is a HUGE issue. I sat down and explained it again and took a quote from the bible and showed him a few rhings online. I think the issue is that no one ever taught him in the 27 years he has been alive that this is how marriage works. I just assumed he knew. I also told him that he doesn’t just need to know that he has to do it he needs to want to put me first if I am going to be his wife. I guess I will talk to him over the next few weeks about it to make sure he does understand and that he really wants to make his priority me.
Post # 7
@marleyandme: if you guys go to church, perhaps a discussion with a clergy member would help?
Post # 8
@marleyandme: maybe help explain to him that marriage is creating a new family, one where (dont flame me, its just a saying) he is “head of the house”. That new family has to come before old family.
Post # 9
I agree with what your saying but I can somewhat see where your fi is coming from. You should be his number one priority at least 90 percent of the time, but there will be times when his family has to come first. What I mean by is what if your mil is in the hospital or your fmil, future father in law, or brother or sister inlaw gets extremely ill or is strained in the middle of nowhere. In the senaros I just mentioned how course they should come first, that shouldn’t be a question. But relationship wise you should be his number one priority.
Post # 10
@marleyandme: I broke up with a long term boyfriend and that was a major reason why. He told me that his Mother would ALWAYS be first in his life (even if/when we had kids), then his brothers, then me.
That didn’t fly with me!
Post # 11
Was the argument about the concept of putting the marriage first as a general principle, or was there something that happened to precipitate it? If the latter, FI might just not have appreciated the timing of your remarks. If it’s the general principle, then yes, I’d say you have issues.
Post # 12
He might just be kind of freaked out that you’re putting it in such black and white terms. I mean what does making you his number one priority really mean? I would also be a little freaked out if my spouse told me I was his number one responsibility. I guess I just see marriage as more of a partnership.
I guess my point is that maybe you all aren’t really that far apart on how your view marriage. Maybe giving some examples would help him see where you are and vice versa.
Post # 13
Sorry but you don’t get to tell someone else what their prioritises should be. Maybe he was taken aback by your behaviour and was flustered.
You can share what you think being married means and you discuss rationally with your partner any differences in opinion but yeah you don’t tell another adult how they should think.
Post # 14
The argument did not start as an argument. His family is hurting financially and we are hurting worse financially. We have been sending them money as often as possible to help them out. But we currently have negative temperatures and barely any heating oil and we have next to no food. We have cancelled our cable and internet in order to get back on track and help them get on track. The problem is he thinks his entire paycheck should be going to them and mine can’t pay all of the bills. They are a family of four 3 of them are able to get jobs and none of them are looking. So yes I do believe I have a right to tell him that we come first but that we can help them as we can. I also believe that something as big as that I couldn’t get married knowing we have different beliefs on it. We will see he seems to understand now but I don’t know if he will change his mind or let his dad tell him they come first again and try to control the situation.
Post # 15
I dated a guy who made it prety clear that I came second to his mom and dad, and that would never change. And reading your situation, I see some similarties. Knowing how that relationship ended, I would be done. If you are down to bare bones and he is putting their comfort above yours, now is the time to go.
Post # 16
I’m never sure how helpful it is to present people with ultimatums about priorities because life is never as neatly divided into compartments. However, from what you have said, it appears that he is having difficulty understanding that it isn’t reasonable to support his family at any expense. Sure, he shouldn’t turn his back on them but it is ludicrous to subsidise them financially at the cost of your own day to day living expenses.
I suspect he is far from ready to get married and if you don’t sort out some sort of happy medium them your married life is likely to be very difficult indeed. Marriage doesn’t sort these sort of unresolved issues out, it merely emphasises them.