Post # 1
So all the waiting and then finally the proposal and now the imagining our wedding, and his dad tells him that he is starting a school and will not be at our wedding if it happens while he is in school. Now he is saying because he can’t guarantee that his parents are there that he just wants to elope and doesn’t want my family there either and then we can have a wedding later. I don’t want to have a wedding later. I think it makes no sense to get married and then have a wedding later also I want my family there. I’m going crazy I finally just had to get off the phone. It is one thing to not want to talk weddings it is a completely different thing to want to take away the opportunity for my family to see me get married because your dad is being selfish. I’m really discouraged about this right now. I love him but I know I will regret not having a wedding and then deciding to get married and have a ceremony later. I don’t even know what to say to him I’m just really upset about the whole thing.
Post # 3
What you have when you get married is your wedding, regardless of whether it is in a cathedral with 500 people or at City Hall with just the two of you. What people are celebrating is the fact that you are getting married, not some performance with a big white dress and lots of pageantry. So it makes no sense to have a pretend wedding later, after you are already married. The two of you need to include the people you want when you actually get married.
Post # 4
Tell him: why should MY family be punished because YOUR family is being difficult? You guys should plan the wedding, invite all parents, and whoever comes, comes.
Also tell him getting married IS the wedding. There’s no such thing as getting married and having a wedding later. There are occasions when the wedding celebration has to be later (e.g. military brides), but still, by definition, the wedding is when you get married.
As an aside, I returned to school (university) in my 40s, and I certainly would have made time for a family member’s wedding during school time if I had to. With enough warning, you can get your assignments done ahead of time.
Post # 5
@paula1248: Everythung you said is exactly how i feel, and exactly what I havr said i’m just really upset right now
Post # 6
@2dBride: the problem is he doesn’t want me to invite my family and i will regret not walking down the aisle in a wedding dress
Post # 7
@paula1248: Exactly. I get that he wants to be a good student but that doesn’t mean every weekend for the next 4 years he will be at home studying. Like, come on.
Post # 8
How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I’ve never understood the mentality that if your parents can’t be there then you don’t bother inviting anyone. What happens during childbirth? His parents can’t visit so yours aren’t aloud to visit either? Of course not. His reasoning doesn’t make sense. If his parents don’t make the effort to come, too bad for them. If they aren’t going to make the effort on your wedding day, they won’t make the effort any other day either. There will always be some reason they’re too busy. People can go to school AND have fully functioning social lives as well.
Post # 10
Did his father say this to fairly recently? I can imagine having your dad tell you he won’t prioritise your wedding over a couple of days of school would be very upsetting, and he may have said these rash things to you about your wedding because he is hurt. Give him lots of love and support, and some time to calm down and think about things. If he stills feels that way, then tell him how you feel about not having your family there and how much being surrounded by loved ones on your special day means to you.
Post # 11
Wow; your FI is being incredibly selfish.
Post # 12
We can’t tell if his dad is being selfish (where is this school?? why won’t he be able to come to the wedding), but one thing is for sure, your FI is being incredibly selfish. Even my 6-year-old niece is past the phase of “if i can’t have this toy, you can’t have it either!” which is what he is doing.
Post # 13
Take a deep breath. He is probably very hurt that his dad is telling him he may not be able to attend. Can he talk to his dad and ask if there is a better time to attend? Can you make the wedding closer to FH’s family? Is there a time of year that’s better (summer break?)
I wouldn’t call him selfish, he is probably in a bit of shock at his dad’s reaction. I would give him some time. You guys should be a team. Try to find a way to make it easy for his dad to come, and your family to attend too. This doesn’t have to be the last converdation you have about the topic, keep working through it.
Post # 14
Try to relax a little bit. I know that both of you are probably hurt and in shock right now. Maybe what his dad meant to say is that he can’t come during the school semester, but during a break he’s free as a bird? Would you be able, or willing, to plan around his schedule? Do his parents live far away or are they close enough to make it work? And, lastly, if all else fails would you be willing to wait until his dad is done with school so that you can have the wedding you want?
When you feel a bit calmer, take a look at the questions I’ve asked and the others written by PPs. See if you can answer them. Then sit down and discuss it with your fiance without getting emotional. Explain that it would mean a lot to you to be able to have both sets of parents attend the wedding and ask if there’s a way to accomodate his dad’s schedule. Be rational and calm and remember to really listen closely to what your fiance says. I’m sure that you guys can work out a compromise somehow.
Post # 15
I have been praying about this a lot and I feel stress lifted. I can’t imagine how hurt he was or how much hurt he would be anticipating on that day.right now i’m trying to find a balance beween being supportive and planning. The more I think about it I don’t want him to have to go through that and I’m startin to understand his point of view