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...and it's killing me. I was so excited when I found out, but ever since then he has been anti-baby. Not that he didnt want one ever, just the timing is not perfect. With the wedding and the new house, he feels like its not the right time. He has asked me to consider all options (yes, even that option).
He has made me so mad because he assumed that since we said we would wait to have kids, that we wouldnt have kids until then. I assumed that since we werent using any kind of protection that he knew and would be ready when we would end up on this road. Both of us spent too much time assuming and not communicating which lead to this issue. When he wanted me to consider my "options", he said that I wouldnt go through it alone, but I knew at the end of the day I would because he wouldnt have to carry that burden for the rest of his life. I went to talk to his mom, a single mother, for advice and she advised me to also consider my "options".
Now that I have told him I was going to keep the baby, he keeps saying "its whatever". He hasnt told any of his family that we're having a baby, and he's so mad at me because he says I am rushing things, that I am not making a tough situation any easier, and that if I really thought it through, I wouldnt want to have the baby.
I love him very much and I dont want to lose our relationship, but I dont want to force this baby on him either. He doesnt want me to raise the baby alone, but I cant help but feel like he will resent me and the baby forever.
Please help me bees...
Wow I'm so sorry!
I just can't understand though, if he doesn't want a baby, why were you going unprotected? It doesn't make sense and I would have assumed the same as you did.
You are right in the fact that you will have to live with your decision all your life if you decide not to have this baby - not him. I know a girl who made that choice because she was single and very young and didn't want a baby herself, and 9 years later, STILL feels very bad about it. I can't imagine what it would be like if she would not have minded having the baby but made that choice after being pressured into it.
I know predicting the future is impossible, but I really doubt that he would resent you all his life if you have the baby - once it comes, things tend to change a lot and you fall in love with your kid..
I really hope he comes around, but in the end, you have to make the choice that is right for you and your family..
Good luck.
Wow, I'm sorry. It's really awful how he's being. Some women have abortions and go on with life and really have no regrets... but I don't think that would be the case for you if you went that route. It sounds like you want this baby and I think you would resent being pressured into changing your mind. Maybe it's time for a serious sit down talk with your FI. You two must be doing ok if you're buying a house. Maybe it's not the "ideal" time, but this happened, and there's really no going back. Things are never going to be the same in the relationship no matter what you decide. You two were planning to have a family one day - it seems a little brutal to get an abortion just because this happened a few years earlier than expected. I'm pro choice, don't get me wrong, but I think it woudl be really unfortunate if you got pushed into an abortion just to keep the peace with him and your MIL, given the situation.
If you know in your heart you'll keep it I think you need to make it 100% clear to him and his mom that you're keeping the baby. If he "doesn't want you to raise it alone" then he needs to sack up ASAP and help raise it as a father and husband.
Wow. I am also confused as to what exactly he was expecting since you guys were using NO protection. But I suppose that's beside the point. Honestly, I am pro-choice, so I support every woman's right to choose, but I know that I, personally, could never have an abortion. If it's not something you can live with, you shouldn't do it because he's pressuring you to. You'll resent him forever. This is a horrible situation, and I'm not sure there's a solution that will make everyone happy, but you just have to do what you think is right for you and your baby. Talk to him, communicate communicate communicate, and hope he comes around, but you can't decide to abort a pregnancy because other people tell you to. If you end up having to do this alone, you can do it--but hopefully it won't come to that. (((HUGS)))
I just have to say protection is not solely in the realm of the guy. If you knew that ultimately this is "your burden" and you were with a man who was telling you he did not want a baby, then you should've used protection.
With that said having the baby is ultimately your choice but I can't say I don't understand where your husband is coming from. Just like you wouldn't like it if he forced you to lose it, I'm sure he doesn't like you forcing him to keep it. I would suggest you trying to get on his level and say "I know this isn't ideal, and I'm sorry but here's how I think we can make it work..."
If you had both decided to wait to have kids, and talked about that, I don’t understand why you were not using any protection, or hadn’t talked about the fact that you were not using any protection.
Did he know you were not using any protection? If not, do you think there is a chance he feels you have somehow planned this pregnancy, or gotten pregnant on purpose? If he feels like this, I can understand why he is mad. I’m not saying it’s right, or nice of him to be acting the way he is, but what were the discussions before you went off birth control? Were the two of you 100% level with each other about not using any protection? If not, I think you need to level with him now, and really sit down and talk about everything.
The decision is yours to make, and any option has consequences, both positive and negative. No choice is an “easy way out”, for either of you. Sorry if this comes across meanly, its not meant that way. (hugs), it's def not an ideal situation you are in.
Just a month ago you posted how badly you and your FI wanted to have a baby, even saying that you were praying you were pregnant. What changed??? If you wanted a baby that badly only a short time ago I'm just a little confused. Its hard for me to see you say that and then say you are considering "your options" you wanted a baby and were praying for one? I just don't understand.
Sounds to me like: you want the baby, he doesn't and is vocal about it. I would move on as a single parent myself. Knowing he doesn't want to man up at this point would be enough for me to step away from the relationship.
How long has he had to process the news about the baby? And how does he usually react to change? It could be that he is overwhelmed and hasn't had time to really process. Additionally, if he hates change, he could be trying to control the situation by resisting the change. This doesn't excuse his behavior but it might show how his reaction is about him (his inability to adjust to change) and not about you or the baby. If this is the case, he might come around once the pregnancy seems more real to him. I have read that often it isn't until men can feel the baby move that the pregnancy feels real to them. Also, it is much different to reject a pregnancy you can't even see yet than a living, breathing, out in the world child.
I think you need to make the decision to have the baby separately from the decision to marry or stay with your fiance. If you want to keep the baby, you should keep it. Case in point: A friend of mine recently got pregnant and got engaged (I suspect the engagement was because of the pregnancy, but they were a long-term relationship). However, she has decided to call off the relationship because it just wasn't right. She is keeping her baby and enlisting the support of her friends and family to help raise it. I am not sure whether the father will be in the picture. The point is, these are less than ideal circumstances, but you can find a way to make it work. Please don't despair---it will be okay. Don't let your fiance pressure you into something you will regret, whether that be related to the baby, the marriage, or both.
I am sorry you have to go through so much stress during such a important time.
FIRST of all u did not get pregnant on ur own. If you not getting pregnant was so important to him then he would have discussed birth control with you and wear a condom. This is so not fair to you and the baby. You have to decide if u want to do things to suit everyone else or to make you happy?
Let's all get over the 'why weren't you using' protection thing because that's not going to help in this situation. What's done is done and the OP already said that they were both guilty of not communicating well.
That said, OP, please don't do anything you're not comfortable with. What's done is done and while you don't have to have a baby, no one should pressure you into, or out of abortion, especially the one person you should love and trust most in the world. I am very, very pro-choice. But this strikes me very much as your choice and if you choose to keep it, your husband should be supportive of that. We can be PC and say that it's his choice too, but it will effect you far more than him, it's your health, the risks are yours to bear alone and ultimately you would be putting your body through a fairly major and painful procedure to accommodate him. This says nothing of the emotional toll you would endure, all the more considering this is something you want. It seems to me that if a baby is something you want, it would be remiss to have an abortion just because he isn't ready. I think abortion is a very difficult decision anyway, but please think about how you would feel a few years down the road when planned baby #1 comes along. Aborting for the sake of convenience may have repercussions with future children and your relationship. Do you think you'd resent him for his role in your decision to abort? If so, don't do it.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
@flakeofsnow: <-- that. If you both knew there was no protection involved, then there's something wrong. the chances were in the favor of being pregnant than not.
if he's not going to step up and take responsibility, then you really don't need him.
I WAS a single mom (who lived with her parents in a NON-IDEAL situation) who would NEVER have considered having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption. (we're adults, let's just get it out in the open, shall we?)
if the baby is what you want, then keep it. Leave him and raise the child on your own. it won't be easy, but it IS possible. LOTS of mothers do it and many find a man who'll own up to the responsibility of being a parent.
sit down with him, talk it out, and then decide what is best for YOU, him and the BABY. don't stay in a situation where you won't get any support or where the baby isn't treated with the love and care it deserves from BOTH PARENTS.
and yes, my daughter was one of those "ooops" moments (despite the fact I know in my heart and so does he that it was SUPPOSED to happen and even birth control wouldn't have stopped it...). He suggested abortion (I'd had gallbladder surgery and nausea meds in the first trimester) and I refused. No way could I have gone through with it. He stepped up, made me realize it wasn't an ideal time, but we kept our daughter and he was thrilled to be a father. (well, I still made his life misery for even mentioning an abortion, but... oh well. my perogative since he KNEW how I felt, lol). now? we're STILL together (too stubborn to not be, lol), he's the best dad I could ever want, and we're planning on getting married in 2012. (our daughter is 4, btw, and my son from my ex-husband is 8).
there was A LOT of arguments and fights, and hurt feelings during that 9 months. but it worked itself out.
do what YOU think is best, but DO NOT allow yourself to be pressured to do something you don't want to. you know your husband best and you know what his behavior is.
good luck and I hope my story helps. :)
just don't mention this to my FI's family ;)
I agree that you can do this on your own if you want and you shouldn't feel pressured into having an abortion.
But I'm wondering how much you two have talked about this together. What is his main area of concern? Money? Time? Freedom? If you want to make it work between the two of you, I'd try to find out what his biggest worry is and see if you can work on it together. Like figure out a budget or scale back on wedding plans if he's worried about money.
In any case it might be a good idea to put off your wedding plans until you decide what you want to do about the baby. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm really sorry to hear this. He's had plenty of time to come around. You want the baby, but he doesn't. Well, if you keep it, is he even going to stick around? I do think maybe a more in depth discussion would help---address his fears, don't discount them.
This guy doesn't sound like marriage material to me. He sounds like a selfish jerk. You'd be happier making your own choice about the baby...even if it means you lose him.
I am also really confused by many things in this situation - you posted the following one month ago:
I think the last time I had my period was May...
I am nauseous every morning...
The smell of Maple makes me want to gag...
I want guacamole (sp?) all day...
I am praying I am pregnant. I want children so bad it hurts, and FI does too. He's scared he cant have any because of low testosterone levels in his body keeps him from growing hair on his arms or legs (even though his mom has the same trait). But I have such a weird feeling that I am pregnant. Every time I am late, i will take a test and crush my heart when I find out its negative. This time I took one and it came back inconclusive. I am waiting until next week before going to the doctor in case my period shows up fashionably late. Is it wrong to wish to be pregnant, especially with my wedding date coming up in October?
And now you are saying that your FI doesn't want kids? Can you explain what is going on exactly because I am confused?
Please don't let yourself be pressured into a certain "choice". It's not a choice if you are being forced to make it.
I think Chelsea asks some great questions and gives some great advice here.
Even in our case, it took some time for Mr. DG (and me) to adjust to the idea that we were going to have a kid.
Now that you are aware that you've had some communication problems in the past, I think it would be wise to communicate in a more open way-- perhaps even with a neutral 3rd party. Issues like these are laden with tons of emotional content and it might help to sort through it with a counselor.
I'm wishing you peace with your decision making.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation=( I know this might sound mean, but was he expecting by not taking any precautions? Don't do anything you don't feel is right since you'll be living with it for the rest of your life. Who knows, maybe he'll come around once he hears the heart beat. hang in there!
Wow, yikes. My husband & I were definitely trying not to have a baby before the wedding. Our plan is to conceive next summer, but since we're not using any protection, if it happens, we'll both happily embrace a baby. The "option" I think you need to consider is whether or not you really want to marry this guy. Unless he was vigilant about protection or specifically discussed NOT wanting a baby at this time, well then it's time to step up. I see too much of this on the Bee. I think perhaps it's time for couples to have these talks and maybe use protection BEFORE it comes down to this. I know that ship has sailed, so I wish you the best of luck.
I apologize if I confused anyone, but I did want to address a couple of points that kept popping up...
@babymilka74: I didnt put the responsibility solely on FI for birth control. I was on the pill for almost ten years and I took myself off due to financial and health reasons (my insurance changed and it got expensive). Prior to taking myself off, I talked to FI about it and told him we needed to use condoms and he agreed. For the first few months, I was buying and supplying the condoms and he wasnt. When I told him he had to start buying them because I didnt want to be the only one buying them, he bought a box and I didnt know we ran out until the next time we went to have sex. I told him I wasnt buying anymore condoms, he was going to have to. Thats when unprotected sex started. He was well aware of the fact that he wasnt using condoms, and he knew I wasnt buying them. So it shouldnt have been up to me to go off birth control and then buy condoms all the time, he shouldve taken responsibility in that.
@june42011: We did want kids, which is why this is so surprising to me. When he thought my period was late, he was cute about it pricing out cribs and baby toys but when he found out it was for real, it freaked him out. He has been audibly against having the baby because he doesnt think it's a good idea for us to have children now because we just bought a house and are financial getting used to commuting and taking care of a house.
@chelseamorning: FI is not that good with change, unless its implemented by him. He has control issues and when things are not under his control and it directly affects him, he doesnt handle it well. I know that this is part of his problem because he feels like he cant change anything or have any influence on anything.
My general point is this, I knew what not having protection would end up like. And I assumed, wrongfully, that he did too. But I am here, in this pregnancy alone. I cannot smile about it or even celebrate it because the one person who is supposed to be the captain of my supportive team, refuses to accept the choice I made. It hurts me to no end because I love him, and his attitude is so surprising. All I wanted was his support, no matter what choice I made. But now I feel...abandoned.
Have you tried to talk to him about all this? I find it very odd that he was so excited about the idea and then now whats you to consider your options. That his problems. You seem to genuinely want this baby (and I think he maybe just needs more time getting used to the idea) Its not like little baby girl/boy will show up tomorrow. So many people have babies when they aren't "ready" If you want to keep the baby then keep it. I think its horrible that you both were so excited and now he has completely changed his tune. Im really sorry you have to deal with that.
Oh my lord, that's awful. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Do not abort it. If he really didn't want to have a baby he would have used protection. It takes two to tango, you know. It is said that a woman becomes a mother when she is pregnant but a man becomes a father when he sees the baby. Maybe as you grow and he sees everything that's happening he will have a change of heart.
I'm sorry, but after following your story--he didn't take the responsibility of buying condoms or making a choice not to have "unprotected sex" makes me mad at him. How can you trust him with responsibility for you and a family if he can't be responsible for buying a box of condoms--and then wants you to abort a baby that you want! I am livid for you! Are you really going to be happy with a man that expects you to take the responsibility for his actions and yours? Do you feel that you can comfortably trust in him taking responsibility for you and the baby?
"FI is not that good with change, unless its implemented by him. He has control issues and when things are not under his control and it directly affects him, he doesnt handle it well. I know that this is part of his problem because he feels like he cant change anything or have any influence on anything".
Well, guess what--the pregnancy was implemented by him. His decision was under his control. He knew that you weren't buying condoms, he chose not to buy them and he chose to take the chance! You were obviously okay with the decision.
I know that my dad was mad at my mom, because he thought that she tricked him when the old "calendar" method failed! He finally came around-but no way would he not be responsible for me and my mom. Although it was a lousy first year for them. My opinion: I am pro-choice, but I would not abort my own baby.
Well, my FI and I want kids in the future, but had both talked about what it would mean if we became pregnant unexpectedly. We decided that for the next few years, we would abort if anything happened. And it did - taking the pill perfectly, I got pregnant. And we did have an abortion. Just because you want kids SOMEDAY doesn't mean you have to have them now. The best gift you can give your future children is a set of parents who are excited and ready for them. If the time isn't right, it just isn't right. I have zero regrets, and the ordeal brought us closer. You have to decide what is right for you.
@crayfish: I agree with you that you have to do what is right for you, but it sounds like what is right for MrsH is not right for her FI. From previous points, MrsH was really excited about being pregnant. She should not give up the child just because her FI is not really excited.
In addition, I read a previous post from you MrsH where you thought your FI was going to be really excited if you were pregnant. It sounds like they have some miscommunication issues.
I don't have any better advice than some of the other ladies but I agree that you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into your choice. Do you have family that you can lean on besides your FI's mother? I also really feel for you and my thoughts are with you in this hard time. Good luck and keep us updated.
@afuturemrsl: Yeah, I definitely agree, just wanted her to know that there are circumstances where taking a step back and waiting can be the best thing (but she of course has to decide that for herself!). I think there's a real misconception that everyone who has an abortion spends the rest of their lives regretting it, when I really think that having a baby when you are stable and 100% ready is the ultimate priority (for me). Just wanted the OP to know that there are many paths, and maybe with some very frank discussions with her FI, she might get some clarity on what the tradeoffs will be for her situation!
I am pro-choice, and am very much for women making a decision however they choose to do so. But for me, personally, I did not see abortion for me. Had I decided to have the abortion, it wouldnt have been because we weren't ready (if we were ready to have unprotected sex...) or because it was in our best interest, I would have gotten an abortion to make him happy. From there I would have resented him and wouldnt allow him to ask anything of me again. I knew I would regret it because, to me, it wasnt the right thing to do. It would be one thing if we were on the pill or faithfully using protection, but we werent. I want my baby, not to piss him off or make things harder, but because I want my baby and keeping her is the right thing to do. Aborting would be a quick fix to one problem and an open door to another in this situation.
My view is that YOU did not make a choice to not use protection...BOTH of you made the choice to not use protection. Please don't feel like this pregnancy is your fault or let him feel like you are solely responsible for it. He knew that no condoms were being used so he also should have understood that you could get pregnant!
I am not sure what advice I can give you, but I think you need to have a conversation with him to let him see your point of view. I would also keep the baby if you want to continue with the pregnancy...I am not sure if your relationship will or should last. I am very angry with his actions/attitudes for you!
Hang in there and we are all thinking of you.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine it and I wish there were some excellent advice or support from WB that would make it easier. That being said I think you are right to follow your heart - the baby that you are carrying is already loved - you love the baby and you want the baby. Like PPs have said there are ways to manage motherhood without a husband and I'm sure it is difficult but I would guess that it is worth it. If I were you and decided to terminate the pregnancy I'd never be able to look my FI in the eye again because you sound like you really want the baby. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't but I think you have to follow your heart.
I think you really need to talk to him. It is clear what you want and that you understood what you were getting into by having unprotected sex. It seems like he is just now realizing the consequences of these actions and trying to force you to make a decision for him. I think you need to evaluate the situation from y really practical perspective and show FI that you can afford to raise a child. Owning a home is a huge responsibility but also a stable environment for your child so I don'T think that should speak against having the child. Maybe you'll both have to become more responsible faster but, from what you said, it sounds like you are at a point in your life where you can provide for a child. Communication is key in major life decisions and you seem to know what you want and what you are capable of.
I'm sorry, but I recognize the avatar picture.... aren't you the same person who was texting suggestive photos to other guys to get back at your fiance for texting other women so much?
I mean, it sounds like you guys have some real problems with trust and maturity. If I were a betting person, I would guess that you really wanted to have a baby, and he definitely didn't. You need to have a serious adult conversation with him about the choices that both of you have, and what steps you're going to take as a couple to face them.You obviously each have a stake in this, and you each deserve to have your desires addressed.
This isn't an "I'm so angry at him why is he doing this to me" moment anymore. It's time to wake up, grow up and face the situation with a rational and mature mindset...and if you're going to have this baby, you'd better get used to do that.
@fiya: Yes there is some other issues going on here. This doesn't seem to be a normal loving relationship. After reading some past stories, I can understand why the FI would be questioning if he wanted to start a family in a relationship that doesn't seem to be stable (read about the cheating issues here).
I would never abort a child and I think if you really want to have this child then you should as a single mother.
If you and your FI want to stay together and raise this child together, please seek the help of a counselor. It sounds like you both need help communicating with one another and I think it will be very healthy for all of you to do this.
Good luck!
If, when he first found out about it, he was "cute" pricing out cribs and toys, maybe he is just scared right now. Maybe the reality of the responsibility has hit him, and he's freaked out. I would not make any rash decisions at this point.
Perhaps councelling would also help bring some clarity.
I honestly can understand the pressure that he probably feels, although certainly he should not have said what he said.
I have a question I don't think you've clarified yet: Are you actually engaged to be married on Oct. 10th of this year? I know a lot of bees put a fake date if they aren't actually engaged or don't want people to identify them. You mentioned buying a house but not planning a wedding. Do you plan to get married?
I know it's a mute point, but you were just as responsible as he was for preventing the pregnancy. Boys are really bad about it. It's extra work they don't want to do becasue it isn't THEM who can get pregnant, it's us. And subconsciously, he probably felt like since you were willing to have unprotected sex in the first place you were probably willing to 'do something' about it if you got pregnant. YOu should have had a serious discussion about this before, but it's too late now. NOw you need counseling and if your are really getting marreid Oct. 10th run, don't walk to the nearest marriage counselor. You've already decided to have teh baby (congratulations BTW!) so now the two of you need to decide if you are going to raise it together or if he will pay you child support.
I think you should seriously talk to him, but I don't know how much I'd want to be with someone that I had to convince to be with me and my baby. Your best bet is to get help from your family and friends, and raise the child by yourself since you mentioned adoption is out of the question. If I were in your situation, I would call off the engagement, give the child up for adoption, and move on with my life. However, that's a really hard decision to make and I can also understand having/keeping this child. He's obligated to pay child support.
Best of luck!
Something else is going on here.
2 months ago you posted that you were having problems and "kinda" cheated
1 month ago you posted that you and him were wanting a baby
Now you post that you are pregnant and he doesn't want a baby.
A few honest questions - Did he realize that you would keep the baby if you got pregnant? Did he know that you were taking pregnancy test that often to see if you were pregnant? Are you having this baby to save what seems like a bad relationship based on what you have posted previously?
Is it possible that his family is embarassed that you are pregnant and not married yet? And now they are getting down on him and have squashed his enthisiasm over the baby? Maybe he really did (does?) want a baby but when he told his mom she freaked out and told him to get rid of it? It just seems like such a 180.
I think you need to sit down and talk to him about where your lives are going from here. Give him the facts. The facts are: you are pregnant, you have a house to live in, you love each other, you ARE keeping the baby. So where do you go from there? Forward. One step in front of the other. Life isn't always easy, but that doesn't mean you can't still be happy.
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