Post # 1
My S.O. said he needed to talk with me and said, “Since you obviously want to know and we seem to be having that conversation every so often, I might as well tell you: I was going to wait until I got my tax return so I could get you a ring that didn’t look like it came from a cereal box and then when you were away I was going to ask your parents……” etc. etc.
He kept trying to go on until I made him stop. Turns out, all of our mutual friends think we’re adorable and have made it known to both of us. They have also teased us about when we’d get married. I used to take it seriously but now I just shrug it off. My S.O. has apparently been thinking that I instigate our friends and make them talk to him about when he’s going to propose. He got frustrated and that is what lead to him spilling his guts.
I’m upset that he essentially ruined all the romance and surprise out of it, and I even said that I would rather he wait and not feel pressured like he evidently seems to be – I just don’t know how to go forward without being angry and hurt. I guess I’m asking how you ladies would go about it in my situation. Any advice? I just don’t know where to go from here without being bitter and hurt since it seems like he gets so upset when proposing is mentioned….
Post # 2
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
I know the proposal seems like a big deal now. But…. you’ll have years of marriage ahead of you and it just won’t matter. Just focus on the heart of the issue, are you both ready and willing to take the next step?
I suggest you have a very open, loving and honest heart to heart about what you both want in your future and what an approximate timeline might be. It’s amazing when you can acheive when you have an open conversation when you both really express and listen to each other’s feelings.
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2014 - The Meeting House/DoubleTree by Hilton
I think the best thing for you both to do in this situation is just leave it alone – make sure you don’t put pressure on him and maybe ask your friends to stop making comments like that, although you can tell them you appreciate them! He freaked out and told you part of his plan, but now he has the freedom to change it up or to propose whenever he wants! My ex-fiance bought the ring in February and proposed to me in April – just because he’s getting the ring and talking to your parents doesn’t mean he’ll ask you right away. You can still be surprised and it will still be a special moment – I promise! Try to just not overthink it and focus on the positives so you can let go of some of the anger; this is exciting and happy news!!
Post # 4
I suggest simply taking a deep breath, and just relax. (: It will be fine!
Post # 5
chevaldame: I would say that maybe you ruined the all the romance and suprise of it. You say he said he felt like you were talking about it too often. Take that as your hint. You need to back off and stop the talk. I really don’t think he would have spilled unless he felt the pressure from you.
You have 3 options- 1. be patint and stop talking about engagements, 2. keep mentioning it and potential push him away, 3. leave the relationship and find someone else who will propose right now.
Post # 6
My SO and I just went through a similar situation, and I was sad and emotional for weeks. We finally talked it out and he confirmed that he was not feeling as pressured as *I* thought and we talked out a general timeline for when the engagement will happen. Not exact dates, just a general idea so I stop freaking out about whether or not it will happen.You need to tell SO exactly how you feel, confirm that you want to be engaged, and then leave him alone about the engagement. SO and I still discuss our wedding, but I think my engagement will be a big surprise when it happens. After we talked it out, I was satisfied that it will be soonish and I don’t feel the need to pester him anymore. I definitely suggest having a conversation with him, very open and honest.
Post # 7
I think most guys just don’t like being hassled about it. FI and several of his friends have said they always knew they were going to marry/propose to their SO but just got jacked with people pre-empting them and bringing it up all the time. It was also really important to my FI that the proposal iteslf to be a ‘surprise’ for me (even though we of course had discussed that we would like to marry one day) and he hated people always predicting or joking that it would occur when we were on holiday or on our dating anniversaries etc.
Post # 8
chevaldame: My FI proposed that way…we got in a fight and he waved the ring in my face while screaming at me and telling me how he was going to propose. I cried hysterically and was heartbroken. I had NO IDEA a proposal was on the way and I was so sad that he was accusing me of ruining the proposal. In my mind I was sure I would not marry someone who could f*** up so badly (as in, scream at me instead of proposing romantically) and I told myself over and over that I was going to leave him. Then he issued an ultimatum and I said yes, I would marry him! Boy I thought I had lost my mind!
But really, my FI is a super sweet guy who sometimes has anger problems. Usually he gets all weird and angry when he feels helpless or pressured (I think it has something to do with Aspergers). I don’t know…I still get a little sad when people expect a romantic proposal story but with some friends it’s more of a joke…he really f***ed up in my opinion but in the end it doesn’t change the fact that I’m crazy about him.
I think you did the right thing in telling your SO to wait until he doesn’t feel pressured. Now you just need to hold up your end of the deal and not pressure him, and try not to view the proposal as ruined! It’ll be ok!
Post # 9
In all honesty, your actual story of him spilling the beans makes me smile. I think it’s cute. That’s not to disregard your feelings, but maybe some outside perspective?
My prediction is that even if his actual proposal is great, you’ll still entertain your grandchildren when you tell them about how nutso he was the first time.
Post # 10
chevaldame: Just leave the subject alone now and let him do what he was going to do. It’s not ruined, don’t be hurt or angry. I promise it will still be amazing!
I knew the proposal was coming (I didn’t know exactly when, but we’d both been to the jeweller initially so I could show him the design I wanted) and in no way did my knowing take away from the moment or the engagement/proposal AT ALL. It was amazing and I still get butterflies thinking about it.
Guys can get easily flustered about these things, so just leave it be now, just enjoy this time knowing you have some really exciting things ahead!
Post # 11
To me, it sounds like he just explained that he wants to propose to you soon. He was “going to” wait for his tax return? He’ll still get one. He was “going to” wait for you to go out of town to ask your parents? He still can. What, because he felt hassled, now he has to wait another year or something, or the surprise is ruined? He has to run out and spend his tax return on something else?
You are not to blame. So you are not a mindreader — better he should learn about your lack of psychic powers now than expect you to have them throughout marriage. I am a big fan of the SIUP pact and avoid hassling people about anything, but at the same time, there ought to be a little more communication over something so important. It is also okay to want to surprise someone, but surprises can backfire. I have seen a lot of surprise birthday parties gone awry because the birthday boy or girl made some last minute schedule changes. Wanting to plan a surprise proposal months in advance is bound to lead to trouble.
Post # 12
j_jaye: You definitely are on to something. About me mentioning it too often: I have done that in the past, but not in the last 6-8 months. It’s been pretty much out of my mind. We had a talk and he admitted it was probably some leftover frustration from when I HAD been mentioning it too often. Thank you for the options, I think dropping it is my best bet 🙂
Post # 13
chevaldame: Guys don’t like the pressure, of anything really, they don’t like to be rushed, they want to do things in their own time, when they are ready. I suggest backing off completely about the whole marriage or proposal. I’m not blaming you, I am sure I did the same, but guys just don’t work the way we do.<br /><br />My FI proposed when he was ready and despite what anyone else said, and trust me, we got pressure from EVERYONE, family, friends, people at church, monks at our local monastery, EVERYONE!
Post # 14
Unfortunately you can’t have it both ways. You constantly bring it up wanting to know when but then get mad at him when he tells you? Your impatience ruined the surprise and romance not your BF. No reason to be bitter or hurt. Just learn from your lesson and stop beating a dead horse. Enjoy your BF and relationship until your proposal….. And beyond.
Post # 15
chevaldame: I think anyone posting on WeddingBee can’t have engagement completely out of their mind. 😛
It’s still a pretty funny story, as is. The engagement will happen when it happens.