He had an emotional affair 3 years ago and idk how to feel …

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

figs2006:  Not sure what to do in this situation, but maybe a couples counselor can help you to work through these feelings.  Sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s awful that you had to find out this way.  *HUGS*

Post # 4
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

figs2006:  I think the biggest issue here is that he lied about it (and let it carry on so long). My FI and I also went through a rough patch where we went on a “break” but were not broken up. He met up with an ex of his for lunch during that time and I flipped out. He admitted it and promised nothing happened and he hasn’t had any contact with her since our break. I chose to believe him but that doesn’t mean I was completely free of insecure thoughts about our relationship after that – on top of the fact that we went on a break. 

I agree with PP, get a couples counselor if you want to make it work. I constantly thought about it and it put a damper on our relationship, when I realized that I said I had forgiven him but I really hadn’t. We worked through it but we are still getting premarital counseling. Trusting him after he lied about the whole thing is going to be the hardest part IMO. Only you can know if you want to stay and work on your relationship or if it’s better for you to just let it go.

Post # 5
Member
1389 posts
Bumble bee

He didn’t have an affair.  You were on a break.  And it was three years ago.  

Post # 6
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you need to clarify whether or not you were together.. It doesn’t sound like you were. Being on a break means you’re on a break from your relationship, while it would be ideal to not see anyone (sexually or emotionally) that’s not always the case.

It was 3 years ago and you weren’t together. I’d be angry that I found out that way and that he didn’t come back to the relationship from the break and immediately come clean about what happened.. But, I think you can work through this together, with a little help from a therapist.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I agree that if you were on a break you should try to move on. If not, you’ll have to do some soul searching. If they were on a trip together, what are the chances that they never slept together? 

Post # 8
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like he lied to you. If so, your problem begins at “why did he lie? “

Post # 9
Member
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m confused. Was it an emotional affair or more? What did he confess to, exactly ? I agree that the issue is with the lie, even more so since he was still in touch with this person after you two got back together. At least I think you are saying that this was the case. 

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think he had the empotional affair AFTER they got back together from the “break”. Which is even more confusing, because it begs the question: why would he get back together with you only to pursue someone else?

Post # 13
Member
4641 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

figs2006:  No you def didn’t! In this case, I’d be beyond infuriated. Not only did he cheat but he lied. Personally speaking, I don’t tolerate either in my relationship so I’d be done. Has he shed any light on why he lied about it? Do you believe him that it wasn’t physical?

I think you need to think long and hard about your own personal boundaries when it comes to lying and cheating. I know mine because I was cheated on and lied to by an ex, I forgave him and it happened again. From that point forward I learned once a cheater, always a cheater and I also learned that it wasn’t something I could actually move past.. I was never the same in the relationship after I found out.

Post # 14
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t know, if you were on a break and didn’t specify that there’d be no seeing anyone else, I can’t see how you can hold this against him. If you feel you can’t get past it, seek couples counseling.

Post # 15
Member
4147 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry to say this but for me, I can’t see a dating couple going on a holiday together and not having sex (unless they were remaining virgins before marriage, religous reasons, etc.) However if you’re now both committed to the relationship, seek counseling.  What he did was not okay.

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