- 7 years ago
First of all…hi!! I am new. I have been stalking and stalking for so long and I finally couldn’t take it anymore and needed to share my story and get some advice from you awesome ladies! I feel better already just officially being part of the hive…picked Penelope as my username because she’s the herald of waiting…20 years for her true love Odysseus. Such a beautiful love story. My SO has called me Penelope over the years when I’ve been particularly patient dealing with long distance or trying times, so I’m hoping I can continue to tap into my Penelope-ness in this waiting period. 🙂
So here’s my deal: My SO and I have been together for 4.5 years. We met when I was young (17! And about to head off to college), but he is 8 years older (he’s 30 now). When we met it was absolute love at first sight for me; I’ve never felt anything like it! Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. For him, he felt similarly except…he had a girlfriend of about 4 years that he knew wasn’t the one (and thankfully he wasn’t living with her!), so my first “waiting” period (lol) was waiting for him to break up with her, which he did “when the time was right” about a month and a half after he and I met. In the meantime, he was very respectful of their relationship and wouldn’t even hold hands with me until after they broke up. It was important to both of us to “do things right,” although “doing things right” for me meant hurrying up and getting everything into place. As soon as he broke up with his ex I immediately wanted three things: our first kiss, for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, and the first “I love you.” I just felt insecure and out of my element with this older man who was my dream guy, and just wanted to feel like he was “mine,” because I knew that this was it!
This is the thing: he knew I was the one too, but he felt like there was no rush in rounding these bases and wanting to take things slowly and enjoy every stage. While I get this, it started to disturb me a little bit: i.e. if he’s so head-over-heels for me and attracted to me, why is he so good at not kissing me? I ended up just telling him that I loved him one night because I felt like such great moments had passed us by and I didn’t want one more minute to go by without me telling him how I feel – the bottom line for me is that I feel like life is short! We’re not guaranteed another minute on this earth, so if you love someone, tell them! Commit to them! And this is my and SO’s difference, which has been pointed out by a counselor we’ve seen a few times: I am all about following my heart and he is more “What’s the rush? We know we’re going to be together, let’s enjoy it and wait for things to be right.”
So with all of this in mind, I shouldn’t be so surprised that I’m a waiting bee. The thing is, I was so upfront from the beginning that I only date with marriage in mind, and he was always up for that! We were talking about engagement and marriage from the very beginning (I told him upfront that I’m Christian and won’t sleep with him or live with him until we’re married; he was totally on board with that [amazing right?], and it got the marriage conversation going). We were originally planning on getting married the summer after I graduated because 4 years seemed SO long to wait, but we revised this plan after realizing how time was flying (and how I didn’t want to be planning a wedding while studying for finals 🙂 ). The plan for the past 3ish years, therefore, has been to get engaged when I graduate, and get married the next summer.
This spring, it seemed like everything was going according to plan. He informed me around March-ish that he was meeting with a friend of ours who has a jewelry line to start designing my ring (he was using a family diamond that his mom had promised to him during the first year we were dating). He kept me posted on these meetings for the next couple months, even describing to me what the ring looks like on my bday in May and showing me a sketch. All signs pointed toward him proposing very soon.
We went on an amazing trip to South Africa in June (his graduation present for me), and everyone was expecting it to happen then. His family, my family, all of our friends…the fact that the proposal was coming wasn’t a secret, because HE was so open with it! I was really trying not to focus on it, and then it happened…I accidentally found the ring while looking for nail clippers in his toiletry bag. Yes, he had the ring in his toiletry bag with his freakin deodorant, in the middle of our hotel room bathroom, for me (or the maid!) to easily find. I debated whether or not to tell him, and I did, because honesty is the best policy right? I didn’t want to be hiding something so big from him, and I felt guilty even though I SWEAR I really didn’t want to find it!
So the rest of the trip passed; no proposal. I thought he was waiting till we got back to our home city (where we met and fell in love), but the summer kept going on, and no proposal. We had a conversation finally after a few weeks, and he was all, “What’s the rush? We’re still young.” etc. He just didn’t understand why I was so freaked out, and he kept saying “We’ve only been back from South Africa for a couple weeks! I’ve only had the ring for a month!” But HELLO, you’ve been telling me about it for months!! And this was supposed to be our time!! What the heck?!
By the time I went out to California for my annual family reunion trip in August, I was pretty despondent. I just couldn’t figure out what the deal was…is he simply waiting for the right time? He finally told me in July that he had “picked the place.” There was a part of me, however, that was starting to feel like something was wrong. Like he was doubting whether I was marriage material – we have had some talks about how I’m young and how he worries about me figuring out my career and stuff and how I’m currently living at home (dude, I’d love to be living with girlfriends, but in this economy I’m going to save money if I can!). He’s a child of divorce, so I get the doubts about logistical stuff. He also has had some really major work stress (starting a new company, going through 2 weeks where he was no joke working 20 hours a day) and I know he’s concerned about being in a place where he feels comfortable financially. But it REALLY frustrates me that he has no problem just “getting around” to proposing to me when everything else falls into place! It upsets me that he seems to not even be thinking or stressing about it at all…like he’s just assuming that I’ll be there and ready to say yes whenever the “time is right” and he actually gets around to making me his wife! I am making a super-concerted effort to not bring it up and be patient, but some days it is really, really hard.
I know with a lot of bees the waiting has to do with the guy saving for the ring and having it made, but he already has it! And I’ve seen it (at this point, multiple times – he is REALLY not sneaky). And I want it to be mine, and I want us to move forward in our relationship. I’m ready, and it’s so hurtful to me that he’s just leaving me high and dry. My plan since the end of August has been to totally drop the topic until November, and if he hasn’t proposed by then, we’re going to have a serious discussion. In the meantime, I’m trying to stay positive, be nice and supportive, and live my life, but it’s hard to not bring it up, and hurtful that he seems so unconcerned about marrying me and starting a life with me. I’m worried that since I’ve stopped bringing it up, he’s enjoying stalling and not having to think about it, when in reality, I’m trying to give him the space so he can FIGURE IT OUT! Blah. Anyone know what I’m talking about? Any tips about bringing it up/not bringing it up? Got any ideas of why he’s sitting on my ring? Help! (P.S. so sorry this is so long!)