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Today has sucked some monkey balls. I had to work all day. As you all know, my little brother died in a car accident last January. Today would be his 21st birthday. It hasn't been easy with the wedding and the anniversary and all that stuff and today's his damn birthday. My best friend in California sent me the sweetest text message to let me know that my family and I are in her thoughts and that she loves me. I had coworkers ask me what was up, sensing the change in personality.
My husband hasn't even asked how I was doing today.
He knows it's his birthday b/c I mentioned it, too. Do I have to literally be crying and let my life fall apart for him to ask me how I'm doing or just check in on me on a tough day like this? That if I need him, he's there to listen?
I'm kind of hurt he hasn't done SOMETHING for me. That he hasn't even inquired as to my emotional state today. Hence the title. I think I need a big hug =(. Are men usually this out of touch? I don't know if it makes him uncomfortable or if he literally just has no idea what to do so he does nothing. =\
Awwwww, ejs, I'm so sorry :( It would've been nice of him to ask you how you're doing, for sure...It sucks to feel like he's not there for you in this way...In my experience, a lot of times guys are very uncomfortable in these types of situations and don't know what to do, so instead do nothing at all....It might be helpful to bring it up with him and just say what you need, such as a hug and some cuddling time together or something...I know it's not the same as having him ask you but,,, ((((HUGS))))
Awe! I am sorry! *HUGS*
Guys are so stupid sometimes and they really just DON'T get it!!!
I am similar to runrgurl I just tell him what I need when I need it or else I would make myself crazy waiting for it! I would just say why haven't you asked how I am feeling today? He will probably be like OH SH** sorry....
Sometimes people can be really self involved and because you weren't noticeably upset he just went about his normal day!
I am sorry you are having a tough day and the bee's thoughts are with you and your family!!!!!
Ejs...I can't imagine how emotional today is for you. I'm sure you hubs is wondering how you are doing, but just isn't sure how to talk about it. Do you talk about your brother with him much? Maybe he doesn't know that its okay to ask if your okay and talk about your brother?
(virtual hug)
I'm sorry. :( My good vibes and hugs to you.
Maybe he's afraid to bring it up? Just in case you aren't already thinking about it (I'm trying to think like a guy here... they can be pretty clueless but well meaning). I know I have to flat out tell my FH when I need support. He's not so great at figuring it out, unfortunately.
Well, we have this discussion every difficult holiday. On Christmas, he made me go to a movie with his friends (a bad one) and was really confused when I started crying and told him to take me home right away. I was upset he didn't even ask if I wanted to go home, just took me. So we had that talk, then.
We had this talk on the anniversary of his death, too. I almost called in sick to work and he just said nothing until the next day when I told him.
On Christmas this past year I started crying in the car while he was driving and he said we could talk if I wanted to. But yeah, he looked terribly uncomfortable.
Too bad men aren't born with a little bit of a woman's sensitive side!
I need him to acknowledge it on his own accord, really. I feel like he's being very selfish even though I know he's obviously clueless!
Dang, I'm sorry. I hate to see people hurt. :( Go to him - tell him this. He needs to know.
Men definitely don't make sense sometimes. Perhaps he thinks that mentioning it might upset you, so he's trying to make it seem like a normal day? I know that we ladies get upset when something we were hoping for just doesn't happen, but often men have no idea we wanted it at all. My guess is that he thinks the best way to handle today is by ignoring it. I don't know. I'm so sorry about your brother! ::hugs::
i'm sure he's aware that it's a tough day for you. perhaps he's struggling to figure out the right thing to do. men are generally uncomfortable with intense emotion - especially on things they can't do anything to resolve. most don't understand that a hug is enough. could you tell him you want a hug and see where he goes from there?
{{ejs}}
ejs, I'm sorry to hear about your hard time. Men are so hard to figure out. Some want to talk about everything and some don't know how to open up at all. ((hugs)) I hope he has a card in store for you!
He lives 12 hours away. I think he thinks it is easier to do nothing b/c he doesn't actually have to see me face to face.
Wow, see? I just did the math...he'd have been 22. I knew it wasn't adding up.
SIGH. Boy now I feel insensitive! He's still 19 to me.
EJS- I think if I remember correctly, when you get emotional and need his support, he gets squidgy. Seems to me he's a guys guy who probably has the best of intentions but doesn't know how to do this. It's going to take time and patience to teach him. And no, you shouldn't have to teach him, but it's better than getting upset at him each time.
Hug ejs!
squidgy, heehee. Thanks for making me smile!
Yes I know what you are saying. I don't usually need his emotional support either, but when I do, i get disappointed easily. This is like, the one big thing. It's been almost 5 years...I shouldn't have to still keep teaching him and I'm not exactly in the mood to teach him a lesson tonight, either.
I think him knowing that i'm disappointed and all alone will probably be enough.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, ejs. I know if I lost one of my brothers, I'd be heartbroken forever. :( Stay strong. :(
Maybe its because he can't fix it. I notice men have a hard time if they can't fix what is wrong. If I complain about something he usually has an answer to "fix" it, instead of just listening..
I have a hard time with other people's emotions too. My urge is to not say anything and sit there uncomfortable. It takes the other person telling me or hinting to me what they need from me before I can help..
Hugs, hugs, ejs. It does suck to have to ask for it or teach it, but I think eventually he will get the picture (even if it takes some time, or several times). Maybe instead of teaching it tonight, just mention to him how you're feeling because it's your brother's birthday... I would be heartbroken too if I lost any of my brothers or sisters. Hang in there. Is there a hug emoticon? Because there should be.
Oh we totally need a huggy bee emoticon =]
You are all right and I totally know this myself. but sometimes I need to hear it from other people.
I sent him a message asking why he hasnt' asked me how I was doing. He said b/c I never implied otherwise. Well, duh. I sent him a message saying that I was upset and that I wish he'd reach out. He called me, but i'm watching classes until 10:00 so I can't really just stop and I'm still too hurt to rationally talk to him without just getting pissy at him for no reason.
He just doesn't understnad b/c he's never gone through this. It makes him uncomfortable but he has to get over it. He's a big boy and I see how emotionally distant my dad is regarding these things and how hard it is on my mom. I don't want that!
Big hugs! I am especially sorry that he isn't physically there to be with you today. I know thats hard. Men can be so difficult, and even when we think they should know what they need to do by now, they usually don't. Maybe when you talk to night you can just flat out tell him what a hard day this has been for you, and you would really appreciate it if he would do X. Making it plain and simple usually works for me. My guy is pretty sensitive, and he can still totally drop the ball on occassion. After I bluntly tell him what I think he should have figured out already, he almost always says he had no clue thats how I felt.
Also know that there is a really cool group of women on here willing to support you too! That sounds really cheesy, but its true. And I am definitely not one of those "internet" people. I just moved to a brand new city where I know NO ONE except my fiance, and Weddingbee has made me feel a little better.
Some guys just have a really really hard time with this. They think about what they would want ,which is likely not to deal with it. Or they just don't understand what we need emotionally in situations like this. If possible, instead of having expectations of him proactively doing anything, make it really easy. Call him and say "I want to talk, I am sad" vs "I am sad, do something about it". seriously, some guys are just idiots about this stuff, some chip is missing and they sometimes need our help learning what to do!! but if you do it in a confrontational way, he won't get it.
more importantly I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Lean on your girlfriends, they will know what to do!
Ugh what a crappy day, I'm so sorry. :( Other people will prob say I'm wrong here... but for me when I have emotional issues going on with the bf an email really works great. It gives me time to figure out what I want to say and not say things I don't mean, and it gives him a chance to read it several times and consider an appropriate response. I know a lot of people say email should never be used for fights/whatever... but it works for me! Maybe if you tried explaining (again, probably) that this is an issue that will not go away and he needs to learn to deal better, he'll finally get the hint and do what he needs to do.
:( I'm sorry, sweetie. I think everyone has given you really great advice already, so I'll just respond with a *virtual hug* Hang in there.
***BIG HUGS***
He probably doesn't mean any harm. I've been there myself, where I wanted some comfort but FI didn't quite understand what I needed. I thought I was being clear, but I've realized that I frequently need to S-P-E-L-L it out for the boy, and then he'll step up to the plate. Maybe you need to tell him "this is hard for me, and I need XYZ from you to help"?
I'm very sorry for your loss - remember the hive is always here for you!
I sent him a text message about it during my class. It's so hard to pay attention when I'm this bummed. He said he's sorry, but he just forgot about it and he has a hard time remembering it. He says now he feels really sh*tty.
Well I'd say so. I gave him the benefit of the doubt regarding him not knowing how to handle it. Turns out he just FORGOT!
He forgot. Gee, thanks. That's even worse. My ONLY brother and he forgot it's his birthday and that it's hard on me. *big fat sigh*
I'm so sorry!!! I'm sure he didn't mean to forget. :(
And I feel like I understand what you're going through to a degree - the one year annivesary of an accident where I almost died is coming up in a few weeks and I'm already a nervous wreck. I wish I could give you a hug!
Well, I love my Mr. Joe with all of my heart, I really really do, but I also know there is not a chance in helen's house he'd remember one of my sibling's birthday (even if they were no longer here. maybe even especially if they weren't). He remembers mine, and our anniversary, and I don't ask for much else from him. I hate when he forgets things that are important to me, but that's simply how he is. He just forgets!
He is also really crappy about the whole consoling business. Well, he's not THAT crappy as long as we're together in person (a comforting hug goes a long way for me). But he honestly doesn't know what to say, I know when I'm crying or really upset he feels really uncomfortable (honestly, and he has even admitted to me, that he doesn't know what to do other than the "there there" with the back pats...)
I'm really sorry to hear about your brother though. I can't even imagine what that would be like :( *hugs*
Oh i know what the "there there" back pats are like! He's good at those =]. He's good in person, but I guess I can't blame him. He said he made a mental note last night to check on me today and it slipped his mind.
Oh well. I feel better after some hive hugs and a few tears. Even my CATS know something's up. I bet they're extra snuggly in bed tonight. Look at my snuggle buddies.....awwww. They'll make me feel better!
Kitties.jpg (39.1 KB, 56 downloads) 2 years old
Thanks again. It's hard not to be mad at someone who basically doesn't know better =(
OMG that orange cat has the cutest/funniest face I've ever seen!! It's all smushy! I love smushed-face animals! (grew up with a pug haha). What kind of cat is that?
Sending Big big hugs for you ejs And look at those kitties!!! I'd give anything to be able to hug them too!
Thanks! The orange one is an exotic shorthair persian and the black/white one is a himalayan persian. They're both kinda smushy--one's an "angel face" and one's a "doll face". It's like they're so extreme and ugly that they're so cute, too. I won't be offended--my grandma looked at it and said to me, "that's not a cat. it's ugly" =P
Oh i do feel better. I knew the hive would help!
(((Hugs))) EJS. I agree with DG, he sounds like my guy, stuff like that freaks him out so he may be feeling like he doesn't want to bring it up with you, like he doesn't want to add to your sadness today. He loves you (DUH!) and he's most likely thinking about your brother too today, he's probably just thinking that it would be better (in his mind) not to mention him. Big hugs to you anyways.
*edit*...just saw the "he forgot" part...eh...that sucks, but while your brother is always on your mind, to him he didn't realize what date it is. I would give him a "pass" this time, y'all have a lot going on with being newlyweds & him still being away....next year when you are both back together I seriously feel he'll remember too and be "with you".
sending hugs EJ.... i cant imagine how tough this is for you and not just today,you most prob have been preparing today in your head for a few days now
if your hubby is like mine, its all too emotional and verbal to deal with and he doesnt understand how a few words can mean so much to you. i understand you are not asking him to heal all your hurts but i think from a guys point of view, if youre hurting they want to fix it but there is no fixing how you are feeling right now so they fell pretty useless
sending lots of hugs and postive rainbows to you.... hopefully you will see something today that puts a smile on your face with some happy memories
edit: ewhhh... cats! :)
I can't really see the grey one's face but oh my gosh I love that orange one! The bf has 2 cats already, and I have a dog, and we have plans for another dog. I guess the question becomes: would a corgi, a great dane, a short hair domestic, a long hair domestic, and a persian be TOO ridiculous? heh. Only time will tell!
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. *HUGS* My Grandma died 5 years ago this month, so I can empathize with you.
I love the kitties! They're cute, smooshy faces and all. I can't believe your grandma said that! = )
For those of you wanting to be some cat creepers, here are 2 more pics of their silly faces. I'm going to bed...my eyes hurt. 
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this alone (well, except the sweet kitties). (Or having to go through it at all, for that matter. 
)Sometimes you just need a hug and to have somebody to cry on.
Yup, that is very much the case. I've lived alone for so long that sometimes it's very lonely and a little bit of hugs and sentiment goes a very long ways!
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