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Aww honey im so sorry for you!! I completely agree.. you shouldnt feel bad.. that was totally rude and uncalled for!
I'm so sorry! That is completely uncalled for. Do you think maybe it is the stress about going to Iraq?
That really sucks and you should NOT feel guilty. I hate it when I hear people talk to each other like that. I would be so hurt if my husband said that to me! We all nag sometimes (I try not to but sometimes it just happens) and no guys don't like it, but there is a line that should be drawn on what people will say to each other out of anger. Me and my husband do get *&%^y with each other, and sometimes we raise our voices (and trust me I can be a HUGE biatch) and I know I have ticked him off multiple times (& vice versa) but he has never cussed directly AT me like that, and I haven't to him either. I hope you FI isn't a mean person underneath.. but like MissAsB said, maybe he's stressed about going to Iraq. Still he shouldn't take it out on you.
What he said is not acceptable, and he definitely owes you that apology!
But as a guy I can say that he may have felt nagged and attacked over the last few months... that definitely doesn't excuse his behavior, but maybe it explains it a bit!
I'm so sorry that things spilled over, and hope you guys are happy together again soon!!
Thanks everyone.
He has never raised his voice or ever cussed at me. I'm not sure where it came from, but I do know that he's been overwhelmed with our families asking how we are planning the wedding being in a LDR and having a psuedo destination wedding.
He finally did call but it was just to tell me he was going to bed still no apology. I don't think a texted apology constitues as legit. Anyone can type I'm sorry it takes putting your pride aside to actually say it and I feel I deserve it.
I think you deserve a verbal apology too. And flowers. Definately flowers.
You definitely deserve a verbal apology. Texting just doesn't cut it when it comes to these situations. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it - you asked for some assistance and I'm guessing gave him enough time to follow-through with all the other things he has going on.
I'm going through something similar with my FH. I asked him to get me the addresses of his family and friends by January 15 so I can get the STDs in the mail. His mom told us 2 weeks ago that she was still working on getting the final addresses - fine, I had an update and know when to expect it now. But does FH have addresses for his friends yet? No. Do I keep asking? Yes. I figure, I gave him nearly 3 weeks to contact everyone, and yet when I followed up last weekend, he goes "which friends don't you have addresses for" - um, the ones that were highlighted in yellow on the spreadsheet I gave you, and told you that ones highlighted in yellow I don't have addresses for yet. Argh.
While I think an apology is in order, I can totally relate. DH snapped at me a few times before and during his deployment. He knew he was going, but still. It's a lot, mentally. I'm sure he's grappling with it. No excuse to not be genuine tho
Oh goodness. I know how it feels when someone tells you to shut the F up, it's not a good feeling. You guys need to have a serious talk about your boundaries, because a lot of times when you cross a line & say something like that...they'll think it's okay to say it again. I'm sorry you're hurt! I hope everything works out!
It sure is shocking when the man who would "never hurt you", hurts you. It seems men are full of surprises. I have been with my FI for amost 9 years and let me tell you, there is a side of him I never knew until the last 6 months. I don't know if it is stress or possibly god's way of warning me, to be completely frank. I mean I am shell shocked at the crap that comes out of his mouth and the reasoning behind it. I don't think I have EVER gotten an apology. My advice, maybe I should take it aswell, is go with your gut. Not your heart or your mind, but that strong instinct. Who knows if these are signs of what the future will be like, or sincerely, just wedding-stress-related blow ups. Also, I always fight back so that he knows right from the start that I won't shut up and take the brunt of his anger/frustrations. They sometimes need to be reminded that they can't take it out on the good woman in their life. I'm going on a work trip for 5 days in two weeks. If he isn't a good man again after I get back, I'm packing it up and going home to Canada on a one way ticket. We'll see if "I" "feel" like telling him that.
I would also like to ad that my Fi is not in the military. I met him many years back, in Canada. We are now living in the Middle East, where he was born. Everyone told me to watch out. That men change once they get back to their country. I thought they just watched too many movies. Now I am having a hard time distinguishing what's what.
Wait...your guy is off to IRAQ< and you are bugging him about a wedding guest list? IMHO, you should feel guilty. It doesn't matter if he offered to go, he is facing an incredibly stressful, scary thing. The last thing I would do is bug him about a wedding guest list.
That said, "shut the f up" is certainly not something we should be saying to one another, but you really should forgive and forget. Consider the things he must have going through his head right now. The last couple months you have to spend with him before he deploys should be as much about him as you can make them. How would you feel if GOD FORBID he does not come back, and your last time with him was spent over a guest list?
I'm guessing this issue is probably (hopefully) resolved already. The original post was from about 3 months ago.
I just want to clarify - yes this issue is resolved, and I'm still waiting for a finalized guest list.
My fiance swore at me once while we were dating, and it was the last time. He honestly didn't understand why it was such a big deal at the time (and I didn't bother demanding an apology because he wouldn't have done it if he knew how I felt).
I explained to him that when he swore at me, while to him it's just a way of getting the frustration out, what I hear is "I hate you, susieqtpi, and I never want to be around you again." I don't think he realized that's what it meant to me until I told him. Sometimes people are socialized to mean different things with words, and that inevitably creates problems.
Wedding planning is stressful, let along a LTD plus deployment. I understand why ur FI blurted out the expletive. It is important to let him know that a verbal apology is important to you if that is indeed the case. Men are often oblivious to what women need/feel or how women react to their actions.
As for editting guest list, it would be the same as any other wedding tasks that require his involvement. Wedding planning to men is like scrubbing the toilet, they will avoid it at all cost but do enjoy and take advantage of the beneft of a clean toilet. You should just email him a list of tasks with deadlines. If he doesn't get back to him by this so-and-so date, you will take the liberty to edit the list urself with the consultation of his mom. He will have about 1 week to re-edit/revise your edited list. In the absence of his comments, u'll then proceed with the guest list as it is. Also let his mom know that u'll need the addresses be this so-and-so date & no invitations will be sent to those without addresses. You will also not bear the burden of any changes past the so-called deadline (e.g. financial or labor). Good luck!
Aww sucks, there's a lot of pressure going on with both sides here. He gets out of line, apologises, you didn't ignore it. But whatever you do, do NOT let him spin this back onto you. You have no reason to feel guilty. I hate to be a cynic, but if you let him make you feel guilty about HIM being rude to you then you could start a terrible cycle. Don't allow him to flip it back onto you, you've done nothing wrong.
I hope he stays safe in Iraq and you two can have a beautiful wedding. If he was slack with the guestlist then grab it from his mum and just edit it yourself. I'ts not like you didn't give him the chance. Plus, if you knock out everyone you don't know then you can save some $$! :D
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Tonight we had our first wedding related fall out. We're in a LTD relationship for almost 2 years since he's in the military so...
For the last couple months I've been asking him to get the addresses of his family and friends since he's leaving for Iraq in a few months. Tonight I asked again and he said did you call my mom b/c she's the one with the list of all the people that want to come to the wedding. So I said well I didn't know I was suppose to call and just b/c people want to come doesn't mean that they are going to that's why I need you to edit the list before tellng everyone they are coming. He somewhat raised his voice and said fine I'll do it. I said thank you that's all I've wanted you to do for the last couple months...he said,I said I'll do shut the F**K UP... and I hung up
30 Minutes later I get a text
"I was trying to call you back to apologize. I guess you don't want to accept it. That's cool, I'm sorry"
I wrote back "You hurt me bad, never would have thought you would ever tell me to shut the f**k up, I promised myself that I would never have to deal with that shyt ever again"
He responds "I tried to apologize but you spit it back in my face...I told you I'm sorry"
My last response "I didn't do anything wrong...sorry if I'm hurt. Never did I say I didn't accept your apology! If you mean it call me...
No phone call...so why am I feeling so horrible if I didn't do anything wrong? Even if I was being that nagging fiance, it doesn't give anyone the right to be disrespectful and tell someone to shut the F up.