Post # 1
I met with an attorney to start divorce proceedings against my husband. We have been together for 5 years, married for 15 months and have a 6 month old baby together. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage.
We have always had minor issues here and there but always manage to come out on top and be fine. After our son was born things have been going downhill. I have posted several times about this.
Most recently was our worst fight ever where I actually packed and left with the kids. i had had enough. He called me every name in the book and even said he would sign away rights to our son. I stayed away for a couple days to clear my head adn to get away from him. He texted me the next day apologizing but part of me feels that it’s too late.
Another part of me feels like his actions and attitude are coming from being abandoned by his parents when he was little. They let him go live with his grandparents and were never really part of his life and haven’t been ever since. They have only met our son (their first grandchild) twice. From what he has told me, his relationship with them has always been this way. They favor his brother more even though his brother is an extremely hostile and violent person.
I told my husband that if he even wants me to consider not going thru with the divorce then he needs to go to counseling and work out his issues about his past because it’s not fair to me or his son. He hasn’t agreed to counseling yet but said he will think about it.
He has been helping with our son more. I am staying at the house only because I don’t want to disrupt our son’s life too much until my final decision is made. I have this huge wall up now and so on guard all the time. He is trying very hard to make things right but I don’t know if it’s too late.
Is it possible that all this anger and issues he has come from being basically abandoned by his parents when he was little and having that continue even now??
He says his parents don’t like me. I have never been nothing but respectful and nice to them since the day i met them. The time they stopped liking me was when we found out we were pregnant adn told his mom our son would be going to daycare and she would not be watching him during the day. She took that as I would never let her see him. I explained to her that both my husband and I wanted him to have the interaction with other children from the beginning. We didn’t want to tell her that the real reason we don’t want her watching him is because they can’t even take care of themselves. She is also close to hubby’s brother’s wife who we have a restraining order against because she assaulted my husband and threatened to kill him several times. She would allow hubby’s brother and wife to be around my child and hubby and I are strongly against that.
What do you think? Is there hope for him and I?
Post # 3
I don’t get why he would only think about counseling. Why does he think he does these things? If he’s also blaming his childhood, then it makes no sense why he’d refuse to go talk to someone about it. Obviously he hasn’t worked through these issues himself if he’s acting this way.
Post # 4
I think alot of it is the fact that if he goes to counseling he will look weak and have to admit he has issues.
Post # 5
Just from what you posted here I think it’s too late, but if you think it’s worth it to stick it out through counseling and see what happens, then by all means, that’s the answer.
Post # 6
I don’t see how it can work if he doesn’t get counseling.
Some men “change” just enough to get you back. Then they go back to their old ways.
What is your gut telling you to do?
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
He has to THINK about counseling? I’m sorry, but if the continuation of my marriage was based on me agreeing to counseling, I wouldn’t have to think about it. It would be “yes, hell yes, let’s jump on the internet right now and start looking for a counselor so that we can call tomorrow morning and get an appointment.”
Give him a day to think about it and see what sort of follow-through he shows if he agrees to go. If he refuses to go or drag his feet, then there is your answer. But if he chooses to go and takes reasonable steps to get started, then you may have a fighting chance.
FWIW, I am so sorry you are going through this. having a child with special needs is tough. having a husband who acts like a child on top of that is just unbearable. My heart goes out to you.
Post # 8
I just can’t imagine a father saying he’d sign his son away. I also can’t imagine my husband calling me so many different, hurtful names. If it were me, I’d demand he go to individual counseling, couples counseling AND family counseling. I can guarantee this is affecting all of your children. Without all of those things, and progress made, I’d proceed with the divorce.
Post # 9
There’s no excuse to keep carrying the crucibles of his past. He is a grown man. He needs to either fix his problems with counseling or get over them on his own. He can’t just keep living his life as though his past is an excuse for his shortcomings in the present. That’s a cop-out, and a sure way to make sure that he never becomes the man he wants to or needs to be.
I can’t believe he would blame his desire to abandon his son on the fact that he was abandoned. As someone who was abandoned by her father (SO is the same way) living through that should make you the least likely person in the world to want to inflict that on another human being. He needs to either get counseling, or you need to give him the boot.
Post # 10
From what you have posted I would not stay. The way he is being is not fair to you, your son or your 2 daughters. The moment he said he would sign away should have been the moment you walked away and stayed away IMO. I know there is no way I could ever love, trust or respect a man who said that, that is not the kind of thing you can say out of anger and then take back. How he was raised is no excuse for his behavior as an adult, please do not let him excuse his poor behavior away. You deserve better.
Post # 12
I think there’s hope. Every marriage has it’s struggles, but that doesn’t mean you can’t correct the issues and come out stronger at the end. I think marriage is much harder than I could’ve ever imagined, but I also think it’s worth it to stick it out and really work on your issues. I don’t know for sure that you and your husband will overcome this, but since it seems like that’s what you want, I really hope that is what happens. Feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk more; I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Post # 13
If he agrees to counseling then I’d say it might be helpful to also go in for couples counseling in addition to individual counseling. The individual one will help him work on himself, the couples one will help you two work on understanding ways to have better interactions with each other. I’d set a timelimit on how long he has to decide about counseling. Don’t give him long or he’ll just say “oh but we’ve been doing so much better” and then you’ll just be back here in a few months.
I think it sounds like you think he is essentially a good person, but has issues on how to handle stress and relationships. If that is the case, then I’d give counseling a chance if he seems committed to change. But you need to be part of the counseling too, because you need someone to help you sort out what YOUR needs are here.
Post # 14
I don’t really think divorce is the answer, unless there’s physical or emotional abuse. Was he this way before you married him? If you’ve been together for 5 years, I’m sure he was. Why would you agree to get married if there was something that would later be “divorce-worthy”? Counseling is probably the best answer, plus some spiritual relationship counseling (priest, minister, monk, whatever). There is a huge stigma in this country about “getting help” and that’s probably why your SO doesn’t immediately jump on the counseling wagon. Maybe telling him that counseling is confidential with a totally impartial and unknown professional person will make him feel better about it?
Post # 15
I agree with PPs. Too little, too late! Counseling cannot always fix or improve being a giant a-hole. It would take months/ years potentially to see some results… Is that something you’re willing to put your children and yourself through? You seem like a loving mother and wife, but everyone has their breaking point where the toxicity of it all is no environment to subject your kids to!
Post # 16
I think alot of the reason he is so apprehensive about counseling is that he thinks it will mean he is weak and not a man. He thinks he need to be this big macho guy all the time and doesn’t like to show when he is hurting. It seems like it’s easier for him to lash out when he is hurting then to deal with those emotions.
I also think some of his hurt and anger is the fact that our son was born with a stroke. He is going to have issues in life and that scares the heck out of him. I know he wants what is best for him and when he has said that he would sign away his rights he has also said to find him someone better as a dad. I know part of the problem is that i have am a control freak when it comes to our son. I think it’s because I am so scared that something could happen like a seizure or another stroke that I have to be constantly taking care of him and don’t allow hubby to take care of him and make mistakes and learn from them.