He is either not interested in sex, or it's me…

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@anonnimousse:  my FI was the same way…I heard stories..I know hes been with multiple women and I know hes had a lot of sex in the past. Now I’m lucky if I get it once a week. I love sex too and want it all the time but he also claims to be too tired and blah blah blah. I would say try some sexy outfits to get his attention but you said he doesnt like that…I really dont know..my FI says its stress and him being tired from work and that his sex drive has gone done since we first met…I can completely relate and feel like its me that theres something wrong with…tell him how you feel again and be serious…set the mood, make it romantic…every once in a while I will light candles and he turns on slow music and it makes the best emotional romantic loving making…tell him you want him to make love to you and not just bang you…maybe if he senses how it affects you he will change. Has he ever shown emotion during sex or has it always been an in and out kinda thing?

Post # 4
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Firstly, it’s not you. 

Secondly, he may have hooked up a lot before the two of you got together, but it’s possible that what those women experienced is not far off from what you’re experiencing. Hook ups aren’t always passionate things. I don’t know this from my own experience, because I don’t do that, but I’ve seen and heard about this scenario enough to know that this is true. 

I don’t know why he’s doing this, but you’re going to have to sit down with him and talk about this. This is starting to affect how you think of and see yourself, and that’s not good. 

You may have to talk about your sex lives. Not just the people that you and he have had sex with, but the things you’ve done, your sexual health, how long it normally lasts or lasted, and what each of you requires for your sexual needs to be met. 

It’s possible that there is an issue that he is not telling you about or that he may not even be completely aware of; it could be medical or emotional. It’s also possible that the two of you aren’t sexually compatible. I am under the impression, however, that his not wanting talk about his past sexual activity has something to do with the problems you’re experiencing now.

If you’re going to solve this, or at least find out where he stands on this issue, you’ll have to put your foot down and make it clear to him that this is not a small matter to you. If he still doesn’t want to talk about it, you may have to rethink this relationship and if it’s the right one for you. 

Post # 5
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anonnimousse:  Has it occurred to you that just because he may have got a lot off girls into bed does not mean he’s a good lover? Lots of guys get women because they’re hot, popular or charming. That doesnt mean they’re world class lovers.

i think you need to have a kind, but frank talk with him about your dissatisfaction with your sex life. I don’t think the problem is you at all.

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonnimousse:  ugh sounds like my ex who turned out to be gay. Not saying that’s what’s happening here but you guys red to have a serious chat. If he doesn’t make any effort id suggest counseling. I couldn’t stay in a relationship like that long term having been through it or just a few months. Good luck I’m sorry you’re going trough this. It definitely isn’t you though! He clearly has some intimacy and likely self esteem issues.

Post # 9
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonnimousse:  “If I don’t get off before he goes, he just laughs and apologizes and gets up to  go clean up himself–He honestly doesn’t give a crap leaving me hanging.

(Emphasis added by me)

It’s not you. The problem is he’s an a-hole.

Post # 10
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@anonnimousse:  Communication, communication, communication. Have you never talked to him about this? Your enjoyment of sex in this relationship is just as important as his, and he needs to know that. This situation sounds insanely sucky, and if you’ve never talked to him about that, I doubt he has any clue.

As a PP suggested, you need to sit him down and have a kind but VERY frank discussion about this.

Post # 11
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

have you ever brought this to his attention enough so he knows this may be a deal breaker!!?? do you openly communicate? 

nothing about his behavior changed when you moved in. nothing changed with an engagement. nothing will change with marriage. unless you tell him you can’t live a life with zero romance and a horrible sex life, you won’t be getting what you need. 

Post # 12
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@arabbel:  I think she said she does talk to him about it and he tells her how much he loves her and how he can’t believe she would think this way. 

OP- he may physically have something wrong. His past has nothing to do with the now. He may have ED, low-t… Maybe you need to talk to him from more of a concerned standpoint. Though, this discussion is VERY delicate for the male ego. So, tread lightly.

Post # 13
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@arabbel:  amen. he needs to know he can’t just laugh it off. 

its uncomfortable to talk about. but clearly you’re unhappy, and everyone deserves to be happy. 

Post # 14
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@smv22114:  she said he often gets ROCK hard and then let’s it go away. doesn’t really sound like ED or low T to me. 

Post # 15
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@highschoolhoneys:  Actual, many men (not all) with ED can get “hard”, but cannot maintain the erection. This could explain significant insecurity in a situation this like.

Post # 16
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

A few years ago my DH went through a phase where his sex drive was really low. I noticed things were different and just asked him directly what was wrong. Turns out he was super stressed at work and it was just really weighing on him. He hadn’t brought it up himself because he tries to leave work at work and didn’t want to bother me with it. As as soon as a stressful, big project ended things got better. Then when he got a new job things went completely back to normal. Maybe your FI is going through something you don’t know about?

A friend of mine had a similar issue with her then boyfriend and when she talked to him about it he straight up acted confused! He said he really didn’t see anything wrong and didn’t realize he was overlooking her needs. Some men are just clueless!!

Whatever the case may be you need to talk to him about it and be completely open. If he laughs at you, punch him in the face. JK. But seriously, if he laughs at you then he’s an ass.

 

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