Post # 1
Im in a mess that I can’t untangle with my relationship. My boyfriend proposed a year ago, but he did not want to tell others about the engagement. In the end, we ended up calling it a promise ring and we did not move forward with any plans. In the summer of last year, I found out he was texting lots of girls and flirting with them, and he called me “boring” and gushed about how he missed them, “You are so gorgeous” etc…I always asked him to go places with me and have fun, but he didnt really do much but watch movies at our houses, etc, so I did not see how I was boring. However, finding out he was talking as “too friendly” with so many girls really killed my self esteem. It did not help that he began to go out with his friends and started lying about his wherebouts (he later admitted). I didnt understand why he would go out with them but wouldnt go out with me when I asked him to. Towards the end of the summer, he was injured in a car accident and I was not notified until hours after it happened. Weeks later, I wondered why I wasnt contacted, and thought about how serious he considered our relationship to be. We broke up for a short time after he spent 2 months of lying and literally going weeks without any dates or considerable time together. He sent me messages saying “I hate you” and “I just want to have fun” during this time. After I finally stood up for myself, he became an even better boyfriend to me before. This lasted to Christmas, when he told me to start looking for a new ring, and told me to start planning the wedding now (even without the proposal) brcause we wanted to get married on our 4th dating anniversary, which was only a little over a year away at the time. Now, months and months later, he has still not proposed and I have spent tons of money on a dress, decorations, and saving money for a venue, nearly all on my own. My boyfriend has quite a bit of money saved back for a ring and we are financially stable, but he hasnt bought the ring. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks, but he told me he wasnt giving me a ring then. We have stopped going places and mostly sit st home together, and I have begsn to resent him for thr proposal and for everything that happened last summer. He doesnt really talk with me about our problems anymore, and I feel like he doesnt care. He has gained nearly 100 pounds in the last year from giving up his weight lifting (it was his LIFE a year ago) and from changing his eating habits and sleep habits drasticslly due to his new job. He is beginning to have health issues and it is affecting his attitude towards me and his family and friends. I want him to get healthy and have even tried to go on a health kick, got a gym membership with him, and have even lost a lot of weight myself in the process. He has developed a negative attitude in the last few weeks and I cant say I havent either, because I am trying so hard. Video games have taken over his alone time with me and I feel like no matter what I try, I cant keep his attention. When he kisses me, i feel nothing of what I felt before. A family member of mine passed away a month ago and it has really taken a toll on me, and I am still trying to help my family get through this and he hasnt really tried to comfort me. i try not to get angry or frustrated with him becsuse I know fighting wont make anything better. How can I approach him to talk about our issues in a nonconfrontational way, and how can I move on from my resentment of him from all that happened last year? I love him with all my heart, and I just want him to talk to me.
Post # 3
I only skimmed your post but I didn’t see a single reason why you should bother to stay in the relationship. Sounds like it’s time to move on.
Post # 4
@Daisy4: I read all of your post and all I could see was disappointment after disappointment for you. If this were me I would GTFO of that relationship because he doesn’t seem like he is going or even wants to change. You seem like a lovely person and I think you deserve so much more than this. You obviously have the patience of a saint because I am a fairly patient person and yet I would kick this guy to the curb. My SIL was with someone like this for 10 years. He also sent her texts during their short break ups that told her he found other girls more exciting, attractive etc and also sent texts telling her he hated her. WTF is this? This isn’t stuff I would expect from adults tbh.
Skip forward 10 years and she’s left him now however, the problem is no longer him it’s the fact that she’s resentful and angry about the 10 ‘wasted’ years she’s spent with him. It’s made her a bitter and angry person that lashes out at all of us for no reason. Don’t get to this stage. I walked away from a 4-year relationship and it was hard (even though he was a bastard and everyone said it fron day 1) but I did it and found the man that I am marrying at the end of this year. I don’t regret spending 4 years with the toher one even a fraction as much as my SIL resents her 10 years with her ex.
I don’t know how to advise you in the current situation because I just think you deserve so much more and you should get out of this toxic relationship and find the man that is going to propose with a REAL ring and who wants to whip you up that aisle asap and make you his wife.
I see that you are recently bereaved as well. I hope that you have a good support network around you to help you at this time. I’m sorry that you are going through this.
Post # 5
There’s a book you might want to read: “He’s just not that into you”. Seems to apply in your case, unfortunately.
You can’t make him love you, so you better cut your losses and start finding and loving yourself asap! 🙂
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
I am sorry to say this op but I’d leave. This relationship is not working on so many levels. Sometimes its hard to let go but this is a case where you need to love yourself more, and he does not love you enough.
Post # 7
I am really sorry that you are going through such a rough time. As the other posters have said, I too would leave him. You are worth so much more then what he is giving you, and everyday that you stick around you are going to lose a little more self esteem until you feel as though you do not deserve better.
I am speaking from experience, as I was in a 8 yr relationship with my ex whom I was with from 17-25. It was him and I alone, as my friends didnt like him from the start. It was a very toxic relationship for so many reasons, and yours will turn into the same. To make a long story short, I walked 4 mths before we were supposed to be married (as I too thought this would solve our problems) I left with nothnig but a garbage bag of clothes, lost a place to live, my dog and had to take him to court for over $20,000 that he stuck me with. In the end it made me realize how strong I was to be able to leave the relationship and boosted my self esteem significantly. I was able to mend the friendships I had lost or given up …AND
I am marrying my best friend in August of this year! 🙂
Dust yourself off, learn to love yourself and get back out there and use this relationship as a learning experience.
I wish you the best of luck!
Post # 8
I’m sorry for the situation. I really wouldn’t stay with him. You deserve more out of life. Find out what makes you happy.
Post # 9
sorry but it sounds like it is time to move on. you are unhappy now, i can’t imagine how you are going to feel 5, 10 years down the line if you stay in this relationship.
you deserve better.
one should never have to question the love they feel from their partner.
Post # 10
If you REALLY don’t want to leave, it sounds like he’s depressed from this job and the both of you need to go to counseling – together, and separate. I would STOP wedding planning, postpone the wedding, and do the counseling first.
But I would say that you should have never given him a second chance. He more likely than not cheated on you and he doesn’t really seem to prioritize you in the relationship – aka, he’s selfish. I don’t see any redeeming qualities in your post, but I’m sure there must have been some at some point in the relationship because you said he became a great bf. So.. yeah. If you think he has the potential, try counseling.
I had an awful job that made me gain 35lbs bc I couldn’t work out and my eating habits changed bc I starved all day w/o a lunch break and so I’d binge at night. I was so tired and stressed, all I wanted to do on the weekends was sleep in and NOT go out. My FI NEVER called me boring. I NEVER called my FI boring, either. Neither of us ever spoke to other people during that time. We stuck it out, knowing it was going to end one way or another, and that it was just a really negative time in our lives. My point is – I understand where he might be in his life, but I still tihnk he’s an asshole – but you’re the one who wants to marry and love him, so maybe counseling is the answer.
Do NOT GO FORWARD WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP or any more wedding planning, without trying conseling first!!! If he says no to counseling – you need to peace out with a quickness.
Post # 11
@Daisy4: sorry to be blunt but why on earth are you still with this guy. he’s toxic for you. leave. now.
i think you put the cart before the horse by planning your wedding, buying your dress, etc and you are not even engaged. imo, he really isn’t into you or the relationship.
Post # 12
@ElbieKay: +1 – why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who has said that they hate you, and who has shown no real interest in making a commitment?
Post # 13
@Daisy4: Can I be honest with you? I don’t think this guy has any intention of marrying you, and based on what you’ve said I think that would be the best thing to happen to you. I, personally, would have been done with him after he proposed to you and made you keep it a secret. That is a HUGE red flag. Then transitioning it into a promise ring AND talking to other girls? This guy would be history.
I think you need to cut your losses and move on. It seems like you’re having to work overtime just to keep this thing afloat.
Post # 14
I’m going to be honest. I stopped reading as soon as I got to this part:
In the summer of last year, I found out he was texting lots of girls and flirting with them, and he called me “boring” and gushed about how he missed them, “You are so gorgeous” etc…
This guy is not marriage material. Dump him. Run!
Post # 15
It’s time to leave in my opinion. He’s not going to marry you, and I’m not sure why you’d even want him to at this point. You deserve better and are worth so much more than that. Time to dig deep and get any shred of self confidence and self respect you have left (even if it’s just a tiny bit) and do what is best for YOU and I truly believe being with him is not what is best for you.
Post # 16
Stay strong, keep up the healthy habits, grieve for your family member, and dump this schmuck like yesterday’s trash.
You can do it! Good luck!