He is stalling

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

@chloealex88:  I guess I’m a little confused. You said you wanted to “get married before having kids and buy a house.” But “we bought a house late last year and I left my job just before Christmas.”  And you’re going to start TTC in September. And now he acts like he doesn’t understand that you want to get married… before all this happens?

It’s happened. You bought a house. You’re already setting a date to TTC. If he’s been hesitant on the idea of marriage in the past, as you’ve noted, you’re reaffirming to him that marriage is unecessary. Why should he get married when he can still have all these things: a house, kids, you, without the commitment?

I think you’re perfectly fine to tell him you want all the trappings of married life… ONLY AFTER you’re married. But you’ve gone and put the proverbial cart before the horse. 

Maybe you’ve put yourself in this pickle and I don’t know that I have any suggestions to get out… best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@chloealex88: I can’t say that I’ve been in this situation before, so of course take my input with a grain of salt. I think it was a good sign that y’all had a discussion about a timeline previously…however I totally agree with you that he sounds like he’s stalling.

I would have a discussion with him about things, sort of a State of the Relationship Address, lol. I think it will be beneficial to you (whatever the outcome) to get everything out on the table and see where you both stand. Approach the topic and your SO in a caring way–I mean hey, you love the guy right? If there’s an issue that you can help resolve I’m guessing you’d want to–and see what he says.

Just tell him honestly that you were really glad to have a timeline in place before, but that the window of time to follow that timeline is getting smaller and smaller. “Sweetheart, does this timeline still work for you? Are there some adjustments that you feel like we need to make? Let’s talk about it.” Or something like that. 

It’s kind of a red flag to me that he has said before that he doesn’t believe in marriage. Obviously this could change (you know your relationship better than us) but that’s why the sooner y’all have a discussion, the better. That way you can either get on the same page, or come to the realization that you’re not even in the same book. I think you need to make it clear that you absolutely want to be married, especially since it seems like you’ve given in on a couple of your prerequisites (buying a house, changing careers, TTC date). He’s already getting the marriage ‘perks’ without having to marry you. You’ll have to be firm and let him know that even though yes, you do have a home and you know when you want to have kids, that doesn’t change the fact that you want to be legitimately married. 

Unless you make that part clear and stick to it, he’s not going to follow through because he doesn’t have to.

I hope it works out for you and that you get your proposal/marriage! 🙂

Post # 6
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@chloealex88:  Once you reach September, you don’t HAVE to do anything.  You don’t HAVE to start TTC, you don’t HAVE to get married.  Don’t think of it that way.  You get to CHOOSE your future.

@btothez hit the nail on the head.  You wanted marriage before buying a house and TTC, except that you’ve now bought a house and set a date to TTC.  You can hardly blame your boyfriend for being confused that you “actually” want to be married before you have kids.  You said one thing but did another.

I think it’s time to sit down with your boyfriend and be honest.  You set a timeline to start TTC, so can you set one for marriage?  Tell him, “I want to be married before we start trying to have a baby, which means I want to be married by August.  What do YOU want?”  And see what he says.  Give him an opportunity to be honest with you also.  

I’m not sure what he means that he doesn’t see the “point” of marriage…but, if marriage is SO important to you and SO unimportant to him, why can’t he just do it?  If it doesn’t make a difference one way or the other, he should be able to do it to make you happy.  If he rejects this logic, that means he’s not telling the truth about not seeing the “point” of marriage — it means he doesn’t WANT to be married.  Then you’ll have another choice to make.

Best of luck.

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Unfortunately, I think he might be trying to get the family without the ring.

Is that a dealbreaker for you?

Post # 11
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@chloealex88:  Ugh. I was really hoping it was just a communication issue, and not an actual one person intentionally deceiving another issue! I’m sorry you have to deal with this!

Post # 13
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@chloealex88:  You’re welcome.  My heart really goes out to you.  I hope the two of you can have a good conversation and come to a place where you’re both happy.

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