He keeps contacting the girl he hooked up with!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

1. It wasn’t an affair.

2. You are snooping and you obviously don’t trust him.

3. Their contact is not inappropriate.

4. If you “throw this in his face” be prepared for an inevitably shitty outcome.

 

Post # 4
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee

If you were broken up when this first happened, it wasn’t an affair.

Post # 6
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

emeraldine:  Look, people have different rules in their relationships.  If he cheated on you with this girl–that would be one thing.  But the fact of the matter is that he didn’t cheat, and they are still friendly. 

A lot of people are friendly with their exes.  That may come as a shock to you, but for a lot of people that is perfectly acceptable.  

At the very least it sounds like you need to set up boundaries that are comfortable for you both, though I am very curious how you’re going to bring that up without sounding batshit insane, and that’s your real problem.  Because yeah, you sound a little crazy.  You let this go on too long and have been actively snooping on him instead of having a real conversation with him about this from the getgo.

Post # 7
Member
1060 posts
Bumble bee

First, that’s not an affair.

Second, you need to figure out why this bothers you so much. If it’s because they have a history together, that’s valid. But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is that it is he is friendly with her without crossing the line. Just talk to him without being crazy. Crazy never helps.

Post # 8
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

Regardless whether we think your actions or his actions are right or wrong, it’s time you talked with him about this. I’d tell him the truth if I were you and apologize for going through his emails, but also make sure to talk out the whole issue of them staying in contact. Why is he keeping it from you – is it on purpose? Tell him why you find that disrespectful. As long as you keep the conversation rational and not frought with dramatic emotion, I’m sure you’ll gain some important insight.

Post # 9
Member
2435 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Op you and him were broken up. An affair is something that happens when your still together. It wasn’t an affair. You should talk to your so about this.

Post # 11
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would not like it. I will say that I have had chances to correspond with exes but like you I considered it inappropriate. Not sure what you can do though. He will say that you were snooping bc you were. 

Post # 12
Member
3297 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t get why you didn’t talk about it in the first place. I would never keep something to myself in order to active!y build up tension and resentment. That’s poor communication skills, OP. Adults have adult conversations. They don’t snoop for months at a time, get angry about a supposed innapropriate friendship without ever thinking to raise it with their SO. You are living in the drama. Talk to the guy! Talk to him tonight. And calmly. Not accusingly. Tell him you came across it, thought about it and decided it was making you a bit insecure. Ask him what the relationship is, why they are still talking and why he never mentions you. Then see what he says. Job effing done! 

Post # 13
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

emeraldine:  I don’t know, I would call it “dated briefly” – Hooking up sounds like a booty call with no friendship involved.  I don’t see anything wrong with it

Post # 14
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

emeraldine:  I personally don’t see the issue with him communicating with her since it’s strictly PG. But with that said, you have a problem with it. When you talk to him next say ” Hey! So I was using your computer and a little box popped up saying you received an e-mail from so-and-so. And I snooped. I know I shouldn’t have and it’s a major breach in trust and I am sorry. I didn’t know you guys were still in contact and it actually hurt my feelings that you haven’t mentioned me. Why is that?”. And do not get offended when he gets mad at you for snooping. You were 100% in the wrong for that.

Post # 15
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think you guys need to talk about this – it is obviously really upsetting you and he has no idea that its a problem which isn’t really fair to him (being mad at him but not telling him why)

I agree with you that its a little odd that he didn’t mention you at all but I guess that is also personality dependant…. some people are more into the “we” went to italy and “we” did this and others don’t feel the need. I wouldn’t off the bat assume that he is lying to her/hiding that he is in a relationship. I don’t usually start off emails to my friends with … so now that I am in a realtionship with XX, WE went to spain and WE ate tapas and WE drove from … I would be more likely to just say that I had the best time in Spain and it was amazing to drive around and see…

 

also I have to say 5 emails in 1.5 years isn’t really keeping in contact to the point that I would be worried…. if they were emailing 15 times a day then I would be like what the heck is up with this but 5 times in a year seems very casual

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