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Sounds like he's just trying to get himself sorted to me financially! A house purchase is a big deal, whether or not half a mortgage is paid off - thats still a lot of money gone. He is probably feeling the squeeze at the moment, thats all, but still may be saving up for a ring behind the scenes.
Me and FI bought our house a year and half before he proposed. He wanted to make sure we were settled in and paying the bills ok, and just do things right I guess. Believe me, when it happens you will think all that waiting was worth it, just give him the benefit of the doubt (I'm sure he's working on it for you)
:)
@spaneshal: Thanks that really does make me feel a bit better - I'm moving jobs atm so money's changing and I might be moving away so I can see why he's unsure, it's more that I get frustrated becuase I don't know what's happening with us so how can I fit my career and living arrangements around it. When I say that to him though, he says I should put my career first which I think (in my opinion only) is a very male answer and women very often do the exact opposite.
This is pretty normal behavior for some blokes. Most want to get what is importnat to them out of the way first. Not that wedding's aren't importnant, but most see weddings as a luxury at the end of all the hard work.
It doesn't mean he won't ever marry you, it means that when he does you'll probably be in a good, stable position with a nice house and a decent amount of money to spend on the day.
It's worth the wait. :)
I do understand the frustration though. My best friend is going through this right now! For 3 years her man has been 'moving the goal posts' and she's been more than frustrated at times, especially when she thought he was going to propose and then didn't...
My SO is a little like this. We had a serious discussion about "moving the goal posts" not long ago. He described it as waiting to "be ready" or waiting for "the right time". Maybe your partner is similar - he thought he would feel financially and emotionally ready after he bought a house, but then felt the pressure of a mortgage, so thought he would feel ready to become engaged once more of it was paid of, etc. we put a lot of pressure on men to give us tangible time frames and reasons to support those time frames. Sometimes they just pull numbers out of the air and hope like hell their life will be in the right place when that time comes! That's what my SO describes - he can't put in words when is the right time for us to become engaged,just that it will happen, and when it does the timing will be right. So frustrating!!!! The hardest thing is that he gets to decide what is perfect timing - what about perfect timing for me!
And you are not a cow - just someone trying to be patient against some pretty stacked odds. Is financial security really important to him?
@BerryBerry: I know you're right, it just akes it hard to plan things like where to apply for jobs etc - for instance if we're staying as SO's for another year or two I can take a job anywhere in Scotland and it should be fine, if we're taking the next stage I'd be better trying for a job nearer to home so I don't spend all my wages on accomodation and travel.
@Squish: Financial security is the most important thing to him because we both have chronic health conditions (ME and RA) and although they don't stop us working just now, they could become an issue as we get older or start having a family. Thank you for your post - it really helped to hear your SO's take on it - hear from a man without pressurising him to tell you lol. I think your point is very valid and tbh, that sounds very like him
Sounds like he just may not want to get married in the near/foreseeable future. I could be wrong, but that's the way I might interpret it. If he wanted to put a ring on your finger, he would do it, come what may. UNLESS of course you have intimated that you want something specific that is way out of his price range.
@bigcitybee: I think you might be right *sigh* I can see this ending badly :'-( I would marry him in a borrowed field in jeans tomorrow if he would just be willing to ask me. Starting to feel heartbroken even though I am still with him
I don't reply very often because I can rarely express myself in 500 or less words. But I'll try.
What kind of conversations have you had with him where you state what your needs are? You seem to be letting him call all the shots with very little input or challenging on your part. If he wants to buy a house, fine. If he wants to pay it off, cool. But after a while...it starts to feel like he's picking anything and everything over you...am I right? Even though he keeps saying it's all for you so that you can have a comfortable married life, you seem to always come out at the bottom of his list of priorities and you're never getting any closer to being his top priority. Something like that, maybe?
I think you should just sit him down and let him know that it really feels like you're never going to get engaged/married and it really bothers you. You don't want to wait forever and you're not cool with being strung along. I mean, I'm sure he would come through eventually...but it's not fair to you if it's not a length of time that you BOTH agreed on.
I hate broken timeilne promises when it comes to engagement and I don't think men realize how heartbroken we get over them. It's not like a package coming in the mail a couple days late and it's NBD. It's really...disheartening and, for me personally, one of the strongest feelings of disappointment I've ever felt in my (short) life. But men don't really mean to hurt us that way, and I think if you told him how truly bummed you are over it, he might realize that it's come down to the wire and he's got to do something before you become resentful. If you haven't already.
It sounds like he is stalling.
Yes buying a house is a HUGE deal, and it does take a financial toll, but if he's he's paid off half of it, then he is in a really good financial position. A lot of people take years and years (like 10-15) to pay off half of their loan.
Here's what it sounds like to me -
- First goalpost. Something so big and impossible he may not achieve it for a fair while. Gives him plenty of time to "get ready" for marriage. But then he achieves this goal and is still not ready, so we move onto the next goalpost.
- Second goalpaost. Gets the house and still doesn't feel like marriage. Ok, ask for some time to pay off more of the mortgage, this could be an indefinite excuse as he can always say "just a bit more". But then he pays off half and suddenly this excues isn't quite so reasonable. So we move the goalposts again.
- Goalpost three. Ask for two years. Hopefully he'll be ready within that time. But then when he's still not ready he asks to move the goalposts again.
- Goalpost four. He wants to save some money. I just got a major case of Deja Vu. Isn't this similar to Goalpost Two? It will be an indefinite goalpost if you don't speak up.
You need to talk directly to him. Moving the goal posts four times is basically screwing you around. You deserve the respect of a man sticking to his words.
So many women try to make excuses for their man and try to rationalise their mans actions, but honestly actions SCREAM intention. He has every intention of continuing to string you along for so long as you let him.
My advice? Set a firm deadline. Tell him you have allowed this to go on for far to long and it stops here. Give him a reasonable date to purchase a ring and to propose within in (6 months is probably the maximum I would give after such a long time). If he doesn't propose, walk, you deserve better.
@beccybaby: You go girl! You just said everything I feel :-) I plan to tell him that he can have his two years and one day and if no ring then you better believe you a** I am outta there :-) Just waiting for the best time and place to tell him - don't wanna fight, want to be an adult about it and not sound like a petulant child. So...November 2013 at the latest I'll either be engaged or have a shattered heart :-S. Fingers crossed
@Mewcakes: I really do feel like he calls the shots and I don't like it. But today I am taking action! Gonna get a firm agreement to the two years today (I was feeling positive and determined and text him - he's away on business and didn't want to call him at work). Anyway I asked if he 100% agrees that we wll be engaged by the time I am 30 and stated that I will try my hardest not to raise it again unless I turn 30 and nothing....will try to post and answer if I get one later today
@Scottish_lassie: You're a better (and more patient) woman than me. Id have told him 2 MORE years isnt going to happen. Im with beccybaby on the 6 months; I would bet he has the money for a ring so all he has to do it get it and plan the proposal. If you 2 wait 1.5 years to get married that his 2 years!! :)
Well I have news ladies, I text my SO and asked him to guarantee that we will be engaged by the time I am 30 (a time limit I am willing to accept) and he said "we will be engaged by the time you are 30". I had made sure to say that if he goes back on it then I'm off and I am not willing to wait a month more than that dealine.
He said his main concern was that I would have to move away for a job (he works 2 jobs and mandatory overtime so he was worried we won't be able to see each other). But see if he'd said that I wouldn't have applied for a job 200 miles away! lol. He didn't say because he thinks my job should come first as I spent 4 years studying to get it and obv job are scarce just now.
Tbh I feel better; I feel like he has given a firm deadline and believe me if he is as much as a day late in the deadline I am off. Best bit is I'll only be 30 so should have plenty time to meet someone else if the worst happens
Patience sometimes wins out but you do have to be firm about what you want. I wish you the best and hope he sticks to this promise. However, if for any reason (outside of health) he shifts the goal further away, then I would seriously considering evaluating where the relationship is going. In the meanwhile..enjoy being with hime and building a solid future together and I look forward to hearing the announcement! 
Patience sometimes wins out but you do have to be firm about what you want. I wish you the best and hope he sticks to this promise. However, if for any reason (outside of health) he shifts the goal further away, then I would seriously considering evaluating where the relationship is going. In the meanwhile..enjoy being with him and building a solid future together and I look forward to hearing the announcement!
@islandbabes: Aw thank you :-) I'm sure he will stick to it. Actually, he nearly floored me two days ago by starting a conversation out of nowhere with the phrase: "What age do you wanto have kids?" I think he really struggles to discuss it because when he said he wanted to pay off the mortgage before having kids I did the maths for him and it is 100% impossible within my timeframe and he knows I won't budge. I tried to make a plan to at least knock some off it but he closed down again and hasn't spoken about it since - I don't think it's that he's stubborn (not in the least) I think he truly finds it hard to discuss.
He said he wanted to spend the next 3 years paying off the mortgage and 6 months saving for a wedding (after I pointed out kids was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig jump since we aren't even getting engaged for 2 years according to him). Lol male logic, who can odds it :-)
@Scottish_lassie: My bf and I are sort of having this issue. When we moved in together, we talked about getting engaged a year after living together, but things were a little hectic when we had our one year of living together anniversary. And it got pushed back for who knows why. Then we talked about ring shopping but that never happened, then BF said he was going to propose at Christmas but couldn't get the logistics worked out. Now it's delayed for other reasons. I've decided that if we haven't gone ring shopping by leap year day, we are gonna have a talk about where things are going.
@futuremrste: Good for you :-) I think it's needed sometimes even if it's just so you get a timeline straight in your head
No offense at all, but serious red flags went off in my head reading your post. I think if your serious about being his Mrs its time for a serious talk with YOUR goal, sometimes when misunderstood its called an untimatum. But its really just setting boundaries on your relationship. Best of luck!
@hottlips: Lol don't worry, this topic's kinda old - just been back at top of boards due to recent comments. Boundaries firmly set now and we both know where we stand :-)
My SO wanted to wait until he felt like he was able to "be the man of the house" before he proposed, in other words be able to support me and have a good career and stuff going. I just told him I am going to be here when that time comes anyways, if it does, so why does it matter if we get married now or later. So we are getting married now rather than later (I have already waited 7 years).
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Sorry, need to vent. When I brought up the subject of engagement my SO first said it was too soon, then after he bought a house (which he now has), then after he's paid off more of the mortgage (it's literally half paid off), then in two years time (which was a year longer than I wanted but I acepted) and then last night he said when we have more money!
Don't mean to sound like a cow but I just feel like I don't know what's going on - he keeps changing things and just when I think I'e got it sorted in my head he moves it again! Admitedly, he seems to have moved it sooner now but still. WHAT'S GOING ON???
Any other Bees have this issue?