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I'm so sorry! I don't think it's wrong or an overreaction to be mad at him for lying to you. That's always wrong, but even worse in this case because it was something you'd discussed and he knew how important it is to you. It sounds like he understands that he really screwed up, but of course you're the best judge of whether or not this is a deal breaker. Do you think counseling (individually or as a couple) might help? It might be useful to talk to an objective third party who probably has had experience working with trust problems before. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck!
My dad smoked for a long time, so I have witnessed firsthand how hard it is to stop smoking... It seems to me that he is trying to stop, having started Chantix, and it appears that he still loves you and wants to be with you and have a family with you.
I think that you should give him a second chance, and possibly tell him that it hurt you because he wasn't confiding in you about a struggle that he was having, and that he was lying and how important honesty and open communication is to you, as well as the fact that you were scared that if he has been lying about this, then there could be other things that he is hiding.
He shouldn't lie to you; however, he has apologized over and over again. And he is getting help for his smoking addiction. He lied to you because he knew how you would react. It is extremely difficult to quit smoking. He is making an honest effort to quit. I think that you should be supportive of his trying to quit and accept his apology. He knows how you feel and as long as you accept what he has done and he promises not to lie to you again about anything, I think you should start talking to him again.
I completely understand where you're coming from! My FI and i have been together for 2 1/2 years and when we started dating i knew he smoked once in a while..well he promised he has quit and i trusted him. Once in a while i would smell smoke but when i asked him he said he still wasn't smoking. Well, I found cigarettes in his room before we were living together and found out he had been lying to me about it for over a year. The same thoughts went through my head about him lying about other things. If he is continuously appoligizing i would give him another chance and just explain to him exactly why you are so upset but tell him that you would rather him have told you the truth then hide something. I hope everything works out!
I would be angry and hurt as well because of the lying (1 mean, for 2 years? COMMON!).
I'm also VERY anti smoking - but is it really fair to tell someone who presumably was falling for you that if he smokes you'll dump him? And I'm not judging b/c I would probably have done the same thing. But smoking is genuinely physiologically adictive and maybe he tried to quit but he couldn't and he was scared to tell you?
I'm not saying trust him and take him back. It's super s***y that he lied to you. But at least talk to him about it.
HI - I had a very similar situation. Sorry for the long response, but I totally know what you are going through.
Right before we moved in together, my then BF (who I also had believed had stopped smoking since before we starte dating) that he actually started using again nearly for a year and a half . He was devasted telling me all this and offered to pay half my rent if I didn't want to move in with him, as he knew the deception might have been too much for me. I had the initial same reaction as you, which was to see him totally differently - he is one of the most honest trustworthy people I know and I couldn't believe he had essentially been lying to me for so long.
But I quickly started to learn what I could about this. The reality was that he was deeply ashamed by the habit and totally under the power of the drug. He was absolutely addicted, to the point where he would get headaches and feel awful if he went too long without it. I decided that despite the lying, which was horrible, it didn't mean he was an all around dishonest person, it was all about this drug. We stayed together and he quit cold turkey. I learned as much as I could about what he was going through and had gone through. His quit period ,the first 60 days, sucked. His mind was foggy, he was grumpy - what helped him a LOT was an online quit support group. They did roll call every day - going one day at a time and having the support of others who were going through the same things. They had people on the boards who had been quit for a long time who would give them advice and guidance. We got through it.
All I can suggest is that if you truly love this man, be his support, be his advocate. Make it clear he can NEVER hide this from you again. Have him get help. Know he might relapse one day and he needs to know that too and never get too comfortable. PM if you want to chat more!
I totally understand where you're coming from. Smoking has ALWAYS been a deal breaker for me. I just don't think I can be with someone who knowingly and intentionally does something every day that will kill them. That being said. What he did sucks. Absolutely. But you do love him and he loves you, and while he made a whopper of a mistake, those two basic facts remain. And everyone makes mistakes. Smoking is an addiction, and while he may not have had the strength or the willpower to overcome it before now, it seems that your reaction has given him the impetus he needed to really make the effort this time. You are clearly more important to him than smoking. He did lie to you, which is unacceptable, and before you two move on from this you will need to have many serious conversations about how he will never lie to you again. But I think you need to at least talk to him, see him, and work through this. (((many many hugs))) I'm so sorry you're going through this!
lying, to your face, for two years straight is not ok. i had a problem like this with my ex of 7 1/2 years. for that entired time he told me he wasn't smoking. he would come into my house and stuff his mouth with food so i wouldn't smell it. he would tell me he took home a friend who was smoking in his car. and of course i would want to believe him so i would. and then i'd call his work and his coworker would tell me he was on a smoke break! lies and more lies, would lead to lies about other things. which eventually, finally lead to me dumping him, which is when he confessed that he smoked throughout our entire relationship. at least i learned from this experience. i'm ok with giving people 2nd chances, but if you give them more than that, they start to walk all over you. and if he's lying to you, he doesn't deserve more than one more chance.
I think you at least owe yourself an in depth conversation about it all before you make a decision one way or the other. Express how hurt and betrayed you feel by the smoking, and most importantly the lying. He clearly feels awful about what he's done. Give him a chance to show you that he really is an honest guy--just an honest guy that messed up big. Chantix does wonders if you can take the side effects so there is a good chance that could eliminate the habit. Now you just have to see how serious the lying is.
smoking is totally gross! i woudl be upset, too. But i would still marry the guy, just make him do everything under the sun to quit. it's not like you don't like his hair or clothes - it's a big thing to be anti-smoking. I don't even let people smoke cigarettes on my patio - they have to go AWAY-away, i hate it. I don't think you're overreacting, but you should also give a 2nd chance. Addictions are powerful.
The lying is horrible, which most people have addressed. I'm going to address the giving up part of it and Chantix.
My mom was on Chantix for a year and a month. She just recently got off of it. It was her second time using it.
Chantix is a great drug for eliminating the feeling of wanting to smoke, but it can have bad side effects. Weird dreams, indigestion and other random stuff. A lot of people don't succeed their first time on it, but you CAN if you make an effort to get involved with supportive people and groups, stay away from cigarettes and make sure no one is an enabler, and do something to keep your mouth busy (chewing gum eliminates you wanting to put any other flavor in your mouth... so tell him to keep chewing!).
I think that if you really are willing to help him, that both of you can help him kick this addiction. He needs support to stay on the Chantix (if you don't have it, most people succumb to the side effects and want to go back to smoking) and to encourage his progress. If he had come to you and said, "I think I'm addicted to alcohol/drugs/etc" would you have kicked him to the curb or helped him get support? Lying is part of the addiction sometimes. It doesn't make it right at all, but sometimes we have to forgive. Just never forget.
Good luck and best wishes to you! I hope everything works out!
I think you might be overreacting to the smoking issue.
But it sounds like you've gone cold on the relationship because of the lies. IMO once someone has burned out like that there's no getting it back, it's over. I've only had this happen in much more casual situation, I'm getting to know a guy and then he says something and bam it's just over for me, not in my head but on a gut level my emotions are just never going to go there again. If that's so, there's nothing to be done.
I don't think he should have lied, of course, but I have seen how hard of a time people have quitting, and how ashamed they are when they slip up. I think at this point, you should encourage him to quit again, and let him know that honesty is most important to you - that if he slips up again, you won't get mad at him, but you'll do your best to help him get back on track. Smoking is different from having an affair or a similar issue, it's so addictive that it's an issue of more than just willpower. You need a whole support system behind you, and I think he just didn't want to let you down.
I think that he just didn't want to dissapoint you and didn't want to loose you. It doesnt excuse the lying. But I think you should try to help him through it and be there for him and help him try to quit. It is very hard to quit, I was a smoker not to long ago and am now smoke free but it took me a lot of tries to quit. You have a right to be upset but you all should work it out together and not just give up on it if you love each other. I don't see how feelings could change soooo drastically towards him. It doesnt seem like he lied to hurt you, its just hard for him. Maybe its only because I was a smoker, I don't know but I wouldn't give up on him, he is trying to quit and that says a lot. Give him another chance. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you all.
Lying is no good, especially for two years. But I can see why he did, honestly. Smoking is an addiction... both a physical and mental one. I smoked for 16 years, and if I was prohibited from doing it, I wanted to do it MORE. Ultimatums didn't help me quit, I actually chose cigarettes over guys a few times. Not necessarily because they told me to quit, (because I really did need to) but because that wasn't the type of support I needed to eventually do so. Of course the guy lied, he's addicted to cigarettes but he's in love with you... he wants to marry you... and the fact that you made it known to him that smoking was a deal breaker for you scared him. He didn't want to give you up, but it's hard to stop smoking. You have NO idea how hard if you've never done it. He's doing the right thing by taking Chantix. He wants to quit. But he needs support. My husband (fiance at the time) was not thrilled with my smoking, but he accepted me despite it and carefully encouraged me until I quit. It was exactly what I needed, and I haven't smoked in over a year, and I don't want to. Most smokers fail on their first several attempts to quit.
My advice is to deal with the lying issue first and foremost - that's the bigger issue. Then, move on to supporting him with his decision and attempt to quit smoking. It's VERY hard and he's going to need you.
I think all the points made here are very good. Lying is a huge issue, and definitely causes justified insecurity. Is it worth working through? I tend to think so. However the smoking is a huge issue. I am contending with this myself with my FI. He knows its a deal breaker and has tried to quit...and your right if you notice that what's implied is that he hasn't been successful. I am resentful as I have been clear from the beginning that this is a deal breaker. So what do I do now as the wedding is this June?! I love him and would do anything he needs to support him. There are a couple of reasons that I would like to throw into the mix. The first will sound cold, and for that I apologize. We all hear what smoking can do and the disease it can bring. Is if fair to myself or my children to committ and care for someone who is participating in a habit that will hurt the love of my life and all those that care for him? Of course there is no way to know what the future will bring, a car accident with permanent injury or a serious health concern but I think when there are people who care about us we should do our best to honor them by taking good care of ourselves. Its easy to go nuts drawing these lines. I mean am I never going to eat red meat? never drink a beer? Of course I am but I will not make choices that most certainly will bring on serious consequences, as much as I'd like too I wouldn't eat red meat at every meal. I watched a goood friend of mine go through lung cancer with her husband and they were only 39. She would hold his head over the toilet while he was so sick. The kids would have help to feed him when he was really ill. In the end he didn't survive. It was so so horribly sad for everyone.
The other consideration is fairly new in the media. Its worth researching third hand smoke. From what I understand it is literally the toxins from the cigarettes in particle form. so the smokers clothes, their hair, the furniture, the rug, the car, etc all hold the toxins. Particularly bad for children. Of course there are toxins everywhere and one could draw lines all over the place trying to avoid them. I guess my point is if you can choose to eliminate a serious contributor from your life, shouldn't you? I have two young children, one with bronchial issues so smoking is a serious deal for me. I don't allow any smoking around anything I own. I know it's an addiction, one of the toughest but for me, its necessary to quit.
Smoking is an addiction, more powerful than heroine even. The average smoker makes 12 attempts at quitting before successfully kicking the habit. Quitting smoking is incredibly hard.
I, too, had to go through it with my partner. He was never a pack a day smoker, but it still drove me crazy. I read a lot about how to help a smoker quit and spent a lot of time understanding the "Stages of Change". http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000301/1409.html If someone is still pre-contemplative, no amount of ultimatum is going to move them to action.
I tried to approach the problem with some degree of emotional detachment... This wasn't something personal about me. It was about an addiction. That helped me not to push. I found that people are much more likely to deceive if they think there is going to be a negative consequence to their actions.
I still don't think lying about this is right, but I do think it should be viewed in light of this addiction.
He shouldn't lie, and I would be upset too, but I do think you are overreacting. Chantix is awesome, and more than likely, he will be able to stop with it. But if him smoking is enough for you to not be with him, then maybe you don't love him as much as you thought. I think you should give him another chance. Tell him that is isn't so much the smoking, but the lying. Tell him he needs to be truthfull and if he does smoke, to tell you. Maybe you need to meet him in the middle and cut him a little slack. Its hard to quit and if he really is trying, be supportive and stand by him, if you really love him.
I agree with what a lot of people have said - it's very addictive and hard to stop. Yes, he lied about it, but probably out of desperation when quitting wasn't working and he was afraid he'd lose you. It sounds like you mean enough to him that he is trying again to quit.
Although it's a very powerful, controlling addiction, it's not to a substance that is going to cause him to change in personality / become violent / become unable to hold a job, etc. If it were a substance like that, I could see breaking it off. But it's a slower, more insidious type of danger that's just as addictive. His relapses don't put you in immediate danger. I also don't think lying about not being able to overcome an addiction is on the same level of lying about cheating or serious debt or something like that. It's just a few quick brushoffs, not a web of lies that he needs to keep up.
I do think you should give him a second chance, provided he makes continuous, serious attempts to quit. BUT don't present it as an ultimatum. Present it as realizing what a huge grip smoking has on him and your wanting to help him overcome that. If he feels like one slip-up will cost him everything, it may only make things harder.
Mrs. DG- thank you for the link. I am going to spend some time pouring over it. and you are right with keeping somewhat detached. it's not always easy. as i said i do feel resentful at times but in the long run it is nothing personal. its just hard to find the patience, maybe faith, that he will quit. I'm am hopeful when I hear the success stories, so thanks for sharing! I also have the added imagery of my friend being quietly angry with her husband for not quitting and then passing away long before his time as well as what that did to her children. Its so simple and so not simple all at the same time.
I think you should give him a second chance. If he's willing to quit smoking. You could also help him to kick the habit. I think you shouldn't let smoking get in the way of your guys happiness.
I would have a hard time trusting someone who could look me in the eye and lie repeatedly to me for 2 YEARS. I don't want to be with a good liar. I want to be with an honest man. I also don't want to be with someone who thinks lying is an appropriate response when he doesn't want to face a difficult situation. I don't think you are overreacting. I don't know if you should or should not marry him, though. That's an intensely personal decision.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
I just want to send out a heartfelt thank you to all of you. I read your responses and I felt comfort in knowing that It's ok to give him a chance to make this right. (Prairyway).... that story brought tears to my eyes. I could not imagine something like that happening to him or to us as a family. I plan to share that story with him.
Although I am a little apprehensive to give in and make contact with him! You guys truly made me realize that he is going to need support from me if he is going to succeed in kicking this habit. I now realize that smoking IS a very hard drug to deal with and that it isn't just an activity that people do when they're bored. My mother smokes and she and I are always getting into it about her smoking (especially when she wants to borrow a purse or a jacket!) She asked me the other day was I going to just let my future husband go. She went on to say how good he is to me and my daughter. Then out of nowhere, she blurted out that no matter what, she would always treat him as her son-in-law. My mom says that it is very hard to quit and if it was easy, she would have stopped a long time ago.... She asked me to give him another chance because he is trying and because he loves us and needs us and more importantly because my daughter and I love and need him in our lives.
This weekend will be 2 weeks. I'm going to answer one of his phone calls and ask if we can meet somewhere to talk. During our conversation I will express to him why this is such a big concern of mine. I'm going to ask him how can I be of help to him while he is going through this. Then I'm going to be quiet and listen to him and make sure that I understand my role in his recovery.My biggest fear is that my love is not enough to help him quit! I'm afraid that after it's all said and done,I will eventually find cigarettes again or worst, catch him smoking. If this happens, I will no longer be his fiance or planning a wedding.
I know some of you are questioning my love for him. To be honest, I love this man enough to give him a million chances and if it was just the two of us, I probably wouldn't be so matter-of- fact. But, I have a daughter and right now she is my number one priority. So, I will give him a 2nd chance on this smoking issue because I know that he is trying and I know that he is remorseful and because he is worth it, but if he ever deceives me again, I will walk away from him and I will not look back. Love, Trust and Respect... you have to have all three to have a successful marriage.
The bottom line is.... I will never forget that he lied to me, I can forgive him and work on rebuilding trust because no one is perfect. I can only hope and pray that my love for him and his love for me can help him kick this habit. I'm going to try very hard to help him through this because I do love.
Wish us luck guys!
I wish you all the best of luck. I had the worst time quitting my smoking habit before I met FH. And he was a great support during those months that it took for me to fully quit the habit (and I had a moment about 2 years ago when I had a single drag of a cigarette because of work stress and I never felt worse - that's when I knew I was really done with it for good, and I used to be one of those "pack a day" smokers!) I really hope that the two of you manage to find a way to make things work for you again.
Nobodys perfect. I know a lie is a lie and its been ongoing for a long time but that seems to be the way he deals with stress (the stress of the break up) and its a sick addiction ( my dad i dying from emphysema as we speak from smoking) but not many people LOVE to smoke so chalk it up as a mistake, every body makes them.
What if you make a mistake one day that isnt terrible to you, it would suck if your fiance threw in the towel just like that.
My guy has lied about other women before, the latest one I caught him IMing a girl he used to date about how he was remembering sleeping with her.. EWW UGH GROSS OMG. but... I still love him.
Nobody is perfect, and it could be worse, he might be lying about other things, but he might not. If he's quitting again that's great- and a huge step in the right direction, just help him through it- don't force him to hide it... but, do what's right for you. If you don't love him anymore because of it, don't make yourself unhappy by putting up with him.
Can I give a little different light here?
I am a closet smoker and there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with this nasty habit. I hide it from my in-laws, coworkers, and many friends. I hate doing it and it tears me up, I feel like a liar and a cheat even though I am constantly working on quiting. Please don't force him away, this addiction is stronger than heroin.
Thanks guys. We've talked and I think I can find it in my heart to help him and be there for him. He promised me that he's going to stop smoking and that he will never lie to cover up again. Thanks for all you responses. You all have made some very good points. I am so happy I found this site.
Hooray!! Great news! I think he'll really appreciate your support. It's horribly tough to quit, but knowing that you're helping him will hopefully make it easier (and he won't have to hide it from you anymore). Best of luck to you both!
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Hi Bees,
I haven't been in the wedding mood lately. I've been trying to figure out how to deal with my FI lying to me about smoking. We have dated 3 years and I've never seen him smoke. We do not live together, but I have from time to time smelled what I thought was the smell of cigarettes smoke on him. Every time I would ask him if he'd been smoking he would say that he hasn't. I knew that he use to smoke and I told him when we first met that that would definitely be a deal breaker if we was to ever decide to get serious.
About a week ago we were on our way to look at more rings (even though I already have one picked out) and I told him that something smelled strange in the car. I happened to look over at him and he had a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of his shirt. Of course he started off by telling these crazy lies and then when he saw that that wasn't working he finally admitted to smoking. He stated that he started back smoking two years ago when we had an argument and broke up for a few days.
You guys, my heart just stopped! I haven't talked to him since that day (more than a week ago), but he has called every day and he leaves these messages apologizing for smoking and lying about it. He left me a message stating that he has started a medication called Chantix and that he was going to do everything in his power to stop smoking and get his family back(me and my daughter)
I feel so betrayed and I keep thinking...what else has he lied about. My feelings for him have changed tremendously and I don't know what to do. My family is begging me to talk to him but I am so disgusted right now that I really don't want to have anything else to do with him. What do I do? Is this over? I don't see him in the light I saw him in before he lied. He was sooo trying to make me believe his lies...I don't know... How can you lie to someone that you are about to marry? I don't want a lying man! A lying husband!!! OMG!!! I want to still be in love with him, but I don't feel that I am. I feel that he is a liar and he might continue to lie to me about stuff once we get married. He has made me get cold feet about the entire relationship. What do you do when your FI has lied to you? Am I over reacting?