He lied to my mom?

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
4624 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

britt525 :  Listen to your mother.  His word is meaningless.  Why spend your life with someone who has proven himself unreliable?   There are plenty of men out there who will love you AND keep their word.  

Let your mom be your guardian angel, and leave him.  

Post # 32
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe I am not understanding your post but I don’t think this constitutes as “lying”.  You are both young. You set a wedding date only 6 months out all while dealing with your Mom’s failing health.  That is A LOT of pressure.  He didn’t in my opinion lie but your wedding did not go according to your plans. For the record MANY men do not get involved in the wedding planning process. He is not at fault for the timing of your Mom’s death.  I wouldn’t toss my relationship simply because the wedding needs to be rescheduled.

Post # 33
Member
4088 posts
Honey bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  Well the compassion you show for the poor pressured boyfriend seems pretty scarce when you refer to OP’s “Overwrought Drama”…..wow, that’s just so cold and unkind. 

You’re utterly missing the point that this wasn’t a one-instance heat of the moment rash promise he made to her mother on her deathbed. He wasn’t ‘pressured’ into ‘over-promising’….OP was surprised when he said this to her mom back when she was first diagnosed and the boyfriend then proceeded to keep up the CHARADE of wanting to get married for months, only to have OP slowly realize his insincerity by his unwillingness to help her with the wedding she was planning based on his words. How is this not cruel and selfish of her boyfriend to allow this farce to perpetuate at a time when OP was most vulnerable? He allowed this to go on for MONTHS, how cowardly and despicable. 

Now IF her boyfriend spoke rashly in the emotion of the moment, then yes, I do agree it would be worse to go through with it and end up divorced a few years down the road. BUT he could have had the decency to let OP know that he was sorry, that he spoke in haste during an emotional moment, but he wasn’t ready to get married yet. If *this* happened, then perhaps your argument that he not be held accountable might be a bit more understandable. But he didn’t even have the decency to tell her, he led her on for months believing that she was getting married while her mom was still alive. 

And now, over a year later, he’s apparently still talking big empty talk about getting married- but  then as soon as any actual planning/ action looms closer on the horizon, he’s full of excuses and bullshit, just like before. He has been misleading to the point of cruelty. Shame on him. 

Post # 34
Member
449 posts
Helper bee

britt525 :  First of all, I’m really sorry about your mother. It’s heartbreaking to lose a close family member, and no one should lose their mother at such a young age.

Regarding your boyfriend: lying about getting married without having any intention of following through, as evidenced by his actions, would be unforgiveable to me. No one asked him or pressured him into making that promise, and the fact that he has repeatedly gone back on it represents a huge character flaw. Truth, honesty, and trustworthiness are paramount in a lifetime partnership. How can you trust someone who has not been honest with you about his intentions and your future together?

It would be a dealbreaker for me, and it seems that it would be for your mother (may she rest in peace) as well.

Post # 35
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!

Honestly, it doesn’t matter what anyone says on here. You aren’t going to leave him until you’ve had enough, and everyone’s “enough” is different. Personally, I would have left him as soon as the first wedding date didn’t happen. If I thought I was getting married (to a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with) and that my mom who only had a short time to live would be there to see that, and then he called it off…That would have been my “enough”.  

As for him being ready, and the age thing- In a group of guys my husband would have been voted least likely to settle down, he was the first of all his friends to get married, and he was only 24. We knew we would rather make a forever commitment to each other young, than wait to start our lives together. That’s not for everyone, but you should at least be on the same page about it. You’ve got to decide for yourself if his lack of commitment is a deal breaker. Sending lots of hugs your way though!

Post # 36
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

He doesnt sound ready for marriage he is still young and probably fear to settle down… we cannot tell you what you need to do but listen to your gutt and only you know what you saw in your mom’s eyes when she said to leave him. i’d say listen to your mom but also what does your gutt tell you to do.

Post # 37
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  Then she should simply dump him, as I have said before. Is he the only guy in the world or something?

I don’t know about the men in your life, but my experience with all men, not just romantic interests, is that they aren’t that quick to take responsibility for their mistakes. 

I have promised things on the spur of the moment, and while I was carrying them out, thought, why the heck did I agree to do this? 

 

Post # 38
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

your mother’s observation was spot on.  he’s a sweet talker.  all words, no action.  waste of your time.

Post # 39
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee

DanaWeddingGuest :  

 I agree  entirely.  The guy  has spent,  what – a year talking  about marriage  and saying how much he wants to be with OP forever , but has neither proposed, bought a ring nor shown any  actual intention to do either . Not a keeper imo.

Post # 40
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

He doesn’t love you enough to marry you.  He disappointed your dying mother.  He doesn’t care what’s important to you.

WHY would you want this person in your life?

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