Post # 1
Ok, so my bf who I live with ,proposed to me tonight and I dont know what to do. I feel like it was bad timing because we had a fight the day before. I felt that he wasnt stepping up in the relationship. I am more of a go-getter and if i am never to bring up a mature conversation it never happens. I know he loves me; he talks about kids and marriage alot, but he’s more of a dreamer and will never take any steps towards the future.
I felt annoyed by his overly laidback demeanor in life and this sparked an argument last night. Today he proposed, it was romantic but i felt like it came after a fight regarding our future. He said he was afraid that i was on the verge of walking out on him and he loves me and doesnt want to lose me.
Now my issue is, i feel that the joy i shouldve felt is missing. I believe it was just not the right time for him to propose. He said its something he’s been thinking about, but the fear of losing me made him act immediately. I am a traveler and i always thought he would propose on one of our vacations. We even have a major trip to Europe in October…this leaves me feeling that he rushed it. I need advice on what to do…i havent really given him an answer. The moment I realized what was happening I told him no this was just not the right time especially since the fight was about the next step. This shouldve been a day of joy and excitement where we call our families and friends and announce our engagement. Instead, neither of us called anyone.
What should I do? I want him to propose on his own time. He says he is, but the problem is the time he chose to do this. He wants to re-do it, but the excitement for me is lost. Was i wrong to say no? How can I correct the situation? I am lost and dont know what to do.
Post # 2
TravelingBumbleBee: Of course you wern’t wrong to say no. It sounds as though he loves you to bits and feared you walking so proposed to get you to stay. I’d feel the same if my proposal was the result of my SO panicking. Im not sure an engagement should be happening if one person is doubting the others commitment to stay in the relationship.
However, if you do feel ready and want to commit to marrying him and your just upset that it came following a fight, you’ll get over it and it won’t be what you remember down the line once your in it for the right reasons. Fights will always happen so if this is the case put it behind you, go pick out a ring and start celebrating!
Listen to your gut =)
Post # 3
TravelingBumbleBee: Tell him to do it the right way (whatever that might mean to you) and that you don’t feel like it was done in a manner that was natural. Maybe with a ring. Maybe in Europe. Etc. It should be something you’re dying to tell the whole world. Not feeling confused or sad over. I think a do-over will be a good thing.
Post # 4
Do you want to marry him, or not?
Post # 5
So, are you upset that he proposed when you feel neither of you are ready for marriage, or that he didn’t wait til you were on a fairytale vacation? If you’ve turned him down because you don’t believe it’s the right time in your relationship to get engaged, fair play. But if you want him to re-propose on vacation just because…I don’t know what to tell you. It’s out there, he can’t really “take it back”. If he proposes again, it’s not going to erase the fact the he already asked, so I honestly doubt you’re going to feel unbridled joy, because you’re going to be thinking about this situation the whole time. Agree with PP- do you want to marry him or not? If yes, then I think it is what it is. I’m sorry he proposed under less than ideal circumstances, but such is life sometimes. Let us know what you decide to do!
Post # 6
Elope on your october vaca!!
Post # 7
He did propose with a ring. It was just not the right time for him to do it. I feel horrible asking for a re do. This is a situation where we fought, he got scared and after work went to Zale and picked out a ring and propose. The proposal was very cute, if it had happened under the right circumstance. I see it as he’s in panicked mode…he should be in a happy state of mind where he takes the time to pick a ring that he loves…not in rush mode.
Post # 8
Don’t make him redo it. If you want to get married, accept his ring. If you don’t…..don’t.
Post # 9
TravelingBumbleBee: I understand how you might be feeling a little weird about the timing, but think really hard. Is it becuase you are really upset about it? Or becuase now you have to tell people the story of your engagement as happening the day after a fight vs away on a magical vacation?
At the end of the day, regardless of the circumstances, ask yourself this: do you see yourself happily spending the rest of your life with this person? If your answer is yes, then is the setting really going to matter in the scheme of things?
I know people who had the most magical, amazing proposal complete with photographers and family standing by, and their marriage is not so magical. TV and movies make us think that engagements and proposals need to be a certain way, but the man you love just made a committment to you. You wanted him to make secure plans regarding your future together, and he did. Try to find some joy in that.
Post # 10
I’m not sure that a re-do will make anything better necessarily but you are right, before you consider accepting his proposal, to ask him whether he actually wants to get married or whether his proposal was a panicky attempt to make sure you stayed with him. Only a proposal should accompany a genuine desire to get married. Not be a device to avert disaster.
Post # 11
I TOTALLY feel your pain. My guy started to propose last December when we were right in the middle of a discussument (a heated discussion but not quite a fight) about our future. RIGHT in the middle. One minute I’m off on a tangent about marriage and kids, and the next thing you know he’s saying, “I was going to wait until the new year to ask you this but…”. I shut him down SO fast. Cut him off, rolled right over it andpretended it didn’t happen for 3 WEEKS. Why? Because it just didn’t feel right. I felt like I would always doubt the truth behind the proposal. Was he just trying to “fix” the fight?
I never wanted to have those memories. Of always looking back on the proposal with doubt. I don’t blame you AT ALL for saying no. Circumstances like that can really taint the proposal. I think you did the right thing by saying no.
We eventually talked it over on New Years eve and explained my feelings on the situation to him and he completely understood. He then promised me that he would propose PROPERLY by new years this year.
Talk it over with him. Explain your reasons why. He loves you and if he wants you to be happy he will understand! And your proposal will be lovely and untainted by anger, suspicion and doubt.
Post # 12
I would say maybe go for a half and half approach to a re-do. If you know that you’d love to accept his proposal if he hadn’t rushed it after a fight and out of vulnerability, tell him that you want to marry him and spend the rest of your lives together but that it would mean a lot to you if he would indugle you with a romantic do-over. that way he gets his “yes” so his pride can remain intact and he might be more open to coming up with a more romantic proposal that suits you better as a couple. Just one thing though: does he ever accuse you of “micromanaging” or trying to control the situation? I’m truly not trying to insinuate that you’re a control freak or anything but I’m a bit of one myself and I enjoy being able to plan everything myself. haha I am usually the one to plan our anniversaries and valentines days but he knocks gift-giving out of the park so we each lend our strengths to the experience. I’m not engaged so I haven’t had to deal with something like this yet, but I would want the same thing you do. If he has issues (like my boyfriend sometimes does) about not being the one in control, he might not be keen to do a re-do. Maybe you could do a joint proposal? Each prepare something special to do and something meaningful to say and carry them out on your own time?
Post # 13
If you want to marry him and are unsure about his intentions, then I think a conversation is in order and then you can give your response. Like it or not, it sounds like, though the timing may have been impulsive, the proposal was legit. You said yourself that you expected him to propose at some point.
I understand being disappointed, but I don’t really get the ladies who want re-dos where they pick the ring, the place, the script and the photographer and where the FI is just a prop.
Post # 14
TravelingBumbleBee: “I want him to propose on his own time.”
(Edit: the problem is that he didn’t propose on your time). He did propose on his own time. He loves you, he doesn’t want to lose you, he wants to marry you. That’s true now, and it won’t be more true in October or in Europe. Every day we experience things that influence our feelings, that doesn’t make those feelings less sincere.
It seems like it’s not just the earnestness of the proposal that’s upsetting you- it’s that you had different expectations. You dreamed of him proposing on vacation, you built that up in your imagination. If you didn’t tell him about this dream, don’t hold that against him. He can’t read your mind. I think you just need to let this go, and maybe concentrate on a romantic engagement celebration, sharing this exciting news with your family and friends. Allow yourself to feel happy and you will. Forcing him to a re-do will not bring you that joy.
Post # 15
I don’t mean to sound judgy, so please correct me if I’m perceiving this wrong…but…you got in a fight about him not stepping up in the relationship…and then you aren’t happy with him stepping up in the relationship. Try to focus less on the when or where of the proposal and focus more on the ‘do I want to be engaged’. Because having all these flowery proposal dreams are just going to lead to disappointment. It should really be 100% about the marriage and if that’s what you want, not when or where you want the proposal.