He Proposed…after a fight

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

TravelingBumbleBee:  Of course you wern’t wrong to say no. It sounds as though he loves you to bits and feared you walking so proposed to get you to stay. I’d feel the same if my proposal was the result of my SO panicking. Im not sure an engagement should be happening if one person is doubting the others commitment to stay in the relationship.

However, if you do feel ready and want to commit to marrying him and your just upset that it came following a fight, you’ll get over it and it won’t be what you remember down the line once your in it for the right reasons. Fights will always happen so if this is the case put it behind you, go pick out a ring and start celebrating!

Listen to your gut =)

Post # 3
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

TravelingBumbleBee:  Tell him to do it the right way (whatever that might mean to you) and that you don’t feel like it was done in a manner that was natural. Maybe with a ring. Maybe in Europe. Etc. It should be something you’re dying to tell the whole world. Not feeling confused or sad over. I think a do-over will be a good thing. 

Post # 4
2818 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Do you want to marry him, or not?

Post # 5
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

So, are you upset that he proposed when you feel neither of you are ready for marriage, or that he didn’t wait til you were on a fairytale vacation? If you’ve turned him down because you don’t believe it’s the right time in your relationship to get engaged, fair play. But if you want him to re-propose on vacation just because…I don’t know what to tell you. It’s out there, he can’t really “take it back”. If he proposes again, it’s not going to erase the fact the he already asked, so I honestly doubt you’re going to feel unbridled joy, because you’re going to be thinking about this situation the whole time. Agree with PP- do you want to marry him or not? If yes, then I think it is what it is. I’m sorry he proposed under less than ideal circumstances, but such is life sometimes. Let us know what you decide to do!

Post # 6
189 posts
Blushing bee

Elope on your october vaca!!

Post # 8
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Don’t make him redo it. If you want to get married, accept his ring. If you don’t…..don’t.

Post # 9
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

TravelingBumbleBee:  I understand how you might be feeling a little weird about the timing, but think really hard. Is it becuase you are really upset about it? Or becuase now you have to tell people the story of your engagement as happening the day after a fight vs away on a magical vacation?

At the end of the day, regardless of the circumstances, ask yourself this: do you see yourself happily spending the rest of your life with this person? If your answer is yes, then is the setting really going to matter in the scheme of things?

I know people who had the most magical, amazing proposal complete with photographers and family standing by, and their marriage is not so magical. TV and movies make us think that engagements and proposals need to be a certain way, but the man you love just made a committment to you. You wanted him to make secure plans regarding your future together, and he did. Try to find some joy in that.

Post # 10
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m not sure that a re-do will make anything better necessarily but you are right, before you consider accepting his proposal,  to ask him whether he actually wants to get married or whether his proposal was a panicky attempt to make sure you stayed with him. Only a proposal should accompany a genuine desire to get married. Not be a device to avert disaster.

Post # 11
1208 posts
Bumble bee

I TOTALLY feel your pain. My guy started to propose last December when we were right in the middle of a discussument (a heated discussion but not quite a fight) about our future. RIGHT in the middle. One minute I’m off on a tangent about marriage and kids, and the next thing you know he’s saying, “I was going to wait until the new year to ask you this but…”. I shut him down SO fast. Cut him off, rolled right over it andpretended it didn’t happen for 3 WEEKS. Why? Because it just didn’t feel right. I felt like I would always doubt the truth behind the proposal. Was he just trying to “fix” the fight?

I never wanted to have those memories. Of always looking back on the proposal with doubt. I don’t blame you AT ALL for saying no. Circumstances like that can really taint the proposal. I think you did the right thing by saying no. 

We eventually talked it over on New Years eve and explained my feelings on the situation to him and he completely understood. He then promised me that he would propose PROPERLY by new years this year. 

Talk it over with him. Explain your reasons why. He loves you and if he wants you to be happy he will understand! And your proposal will be lovely and untainted by anger, suspicion and doubt.

Post # 12
302 posts
Helper bee

I would say maybe go for a half and half approach to a re-do. If you know that you’d love to accept his proposal if he hadn’t rushed it after a fight and out of vulnerability, tell him that you want to marry him and spend the rest of your lives together but that it would mean a lot to you if he would indugle you with a romantic do-over. that way he gets his “yes” so his pride can remain intact and he might be more open to coming up with a more romantic proposal that suits you better as a couple. Just one thing though: does he ever accuse you of “micromanaging” or trying to control the situation? I’m truly not trying to insinuate that you’re a control freak or anything but I’m a bit of one myself and I enjoy being able to plan everything myself. haha I am usually the one to plan our anniversaries and valentines days but he knocks gift-giving out of the park so we each lend our strengths to the experience. I’m not engaged so I haven’t had to deal with something like this yet, but I would want the same thing you do. If he has issues (like my boyfriend sometimes does) about not being the one in control, he might not be keen to do a re-do. Maybe you could do a joint proposal? Each prepare something special to do and something meaningful to say and carry them out on your own time? 

Post # 13
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you want to marry him and are unsure about his intentions, then I think a conversation is in order and then you can give your response. Like it or not, it sounds like, though the timing may have been impulsive, the proposal was legit.  You said yourself that you expected him to propose at some point.

I understand being disappointed, but I don’t really get the ladies who want re-dos where they pick the ring, the place, the script and the photographer and where the FI is just a prop.

Post # 14
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

TravelingBumbleBee:  “I want him to propose on his own time.”

(Edit: the problem is that he didn’t propose on your time).  He did propose on his own time.  He loves you, he doesn’t want to lose you, he wants to marry you.  That’s true now, and it won’t be more true in October or in Europe.  Every day we experience things that influence our feelings, that doesn’t make those feelings less sincere.  

It seems like it’s not just the earnestness of the proposal that’s upsetting you- it’s that you had different expectations.  You dreamed of him proposing on vacation, you built that up in your imagination.  If you didn’t tell him about this dream, don’t hold that against him.  He can’t read your mind.  I think you just need to let this go, and maybe concentrate on a romantic engagement celebration, sharing this exciting news with your family and friends.  Allow yourself to feel happy and you will.  Forcing him to a re-do will not bring you that joy.      

Post # 15
188 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t mean to sound judgy, so please correct me if I’m perceiving this wrong…but…you got in a fight about him not stepping up in the relationship…and then you aren’t happy with him stepping up in the relationship. Try to focus less on the when or where of the proposal and focus more on the ‘do I want to be engaged’. Because having all these flowery proposal dreams are just going to lead to disappointment. It should really be 100% about the marriage and if that’s what you want, not when or where you want the proposal.

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