(Closed) Wish he hadn't proposed – I was too young!!

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You don’t have to get married yet, have a long engagement. Explain why you think it would be a good idea, I’m sure he will understand.

plus the fact that if you do get any jitters or wobbles about marrying him, (20 is quite young to ‘settle down’) an engagement is SO much easier to back out of than a marriage.

Oops, just saw your bit about the engagement. a long a engagement may not be what u really want but it’s better to wait a while and be absolutely SURE he is the one for you and u have time to save, save, save.

Post # 4
Member
1716 posts
Bumble bee

What is all this doom and gloom?

No reason to not have a long engagement it’s not that big of a deal.

Post # 5
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Honey this was me 8 years ago (and younger than you!). My old bf proposed WAY too early. We ended up being engaged for 4 years and we just decided not to get married. I had no idea he was going to propose either… My parents and friends decided to treat it like a promise ring instead of an engagement ring and I rarely called him my fiance. I held a lot of resentment to him for proposing so early.

This time around I wanted to be right on time. I got engaged right in the middle of my friends and I want to have a baby when everyone else does. I’m sure my feelings on this now are caused by getting engaged too soon.

Post # 6
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

awww, OP try not to let it get you down.  you can have a long engagement and plan the wedding when you’re ready!

my ex proposed to me when i was 20 and i said no for the reasons you wanted to. and it DID ruin our relationship. we never recovered, and stayed together for another year and a half before crashing and burning. he always held it against me that i said “no.”  so i would be happy that you said yes… be happy that your FI proposed completely on his own. so many girls here (me included) have had to wait for years and drop not-so-subtle hints. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

First off, I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with so much!! However, good for you for staying strong and making your situation better!

As far as the proposal and engagement: If you two truly love each other and you want to work through things and grow as people, you can absolutely do that. All of these things (career, health, family, etc) will make your relationship stronger, especially when things aren’t perfect (speaking from experience here)!

I also applaud you for realizing that you may be too young to get married just yet. Just the fact that you acknowledge this means you are probably more mature than a lot of people your age.

There is nothing wrong with an engagement being 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, ESPECIALLY if the couple is young and still needs to work through financial, educational, and/or family issues (or any other issues). Rushing into things will only make marriage more difficult.

Just enjoy being engaged for as long as you want/need. Focus on your health, your schooling/career, and becoming financially responsible/independent. Once these things develop (and it may take years), and you still want to get married, then start planning.

Trust me, if the two of you can get through the issues you mentioned and “hang in there” for a couple of years until you have a more solid foundation, you’ll be fine.

My fiance and I have been through the death of a parents, the sickness (and near death) of another parents, both of us losing our jobs, him being in the hospital without insurance, my depression/anxiety, both of us maybe wanting to go back to school … I could go on and on. We felt like we’d NEVER set a date and start planning our wedding. But experiencing all of these things together made us stronger people and a stronger couple. And now we’re 10 months away from being husband and wife! 

PS: I’ll be 28 when we get married and he’ll be 29. So don’t feel the need to rush!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 8
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Do you want to be with him?  Really, that’s all you can think about right now.  You don’t have to get married right now if you don’t want to.  Just stay engaged and see how it goes.

We got engaged in college but knew that we were going to wait until after we finished college to get married so we were engaged for 3 years.

I do think that it was rude of him to say that he would only propose once when he didn’t even know if you were on the same page about wanting to get married yet.

Post # 9
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@rmj3:  I second what some other Bees have posted. There’s no set time on an engagement. If you feel like you are committed to marrying him, but are not quite ready to BE married, go ahead and wait. You have an extremely good outlook on the situation: you’ve identified that there are things you’d like to do before you tie the knot, that you are young, and that you can wait. 

If you love him, and are fine with a nice, long engagement, go ahead and have that. 

Post # 10
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

I was in a similar situation when I was in college and knew pretty immediately that I shouldn’t have accepted the proposal (but he did it in front of my whole family!).  Needless to say, i ended the relationship several months later.

If you know he is for you, then there is nothing wrong with a long engagement.  

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s easy to think the grass is greener on the other side, but maybe it wouldn’t have been. There’s no guarantee that things would have been as rosy as you thought they might. As someone on the opposite side of the coin, if you’d have turned him down he might have broken up with you. Who knows what kinds of guys you’d have ended up dating after that? Who knows where life would have taken you, or how the depression from the failed relationship would have impacted your mental health or eating disorder? You might have wound up much older and single, and if you did, you might be thinking “Why didn’t I just agree to marry him? He was the best love I ever had.” Turning him down would have put you in a position to lose a lot. Accepting his proposal, as long as you love him and he isn’t pressuring you to set a date right now, you will lose nothing.

You said he was the only good thing in your life then. Is it possible that the other good things that have happened to you since then have sprung at least in part from the fact that you had something stable, good, and nourishing to help you pull yourself out of bad situations? The engagement situation wasn’t ideal, I will give you that, but waiting is no guarantee that it will be ideal. There are women in their 30s and 40s who get propsed to in ways that they don’t care for. But at the end of the day, this man saw you, warts and all, and still wanted to be with you for the rest of your life. And he has been patient with you this whole time. I think he will continue to be patient with you as long as you don’t put him off too long.

Don’t discount that kind of love so easily. It doesn’t come along very often.

Post # 13
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think that, when you are ready to start planning a wedding, you should definitely do a re-proposal of some sort. Just to recreate that experience in a positive, exciting, this-is-real way, and celebrate all the progress you’ve made. And share it! 

Seriously, congrats. You’ve come a long way through difficult times! 

It also sounds like you’ve got your head on straight. Hold on to that ๐Ÿ™‚ 

And… Like you said, your professional exams are a big deal and time/energy consuming, and you would ideally like to get married after that. Have you tried talking to him about this and maybe considering setting a more concrete, reasonable date after those exams, so that he’s not constantly wondering? 

 

My SO is 7.5 years older than me (I’m a month shy of 21 and he’s 28) and although we’re definitely on the same page about forever, we’re also definitely on different schedules. Part of it is our ages, part of it is the culture we grew up in, but mostly it has to do with my just starting professional school next year and him already having a career. It’s tough striking a balance, for sure. 

Post # 14
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Sorry that you are not excited about your proposal.

I made it VERY clear to my boyfriend (now fiance) that I did not want to get engaged until I finished uni. Once I finished I still didn’t feel ready so said I didn’t want to until we went on our big holiday to Europe a year after uni. I did feel a little mean but I just didn’t feel ready and the thought freaked me out!! Also I had things I wanted to achieve first (uni and my big OE to Europe). We got engaged in Europe (once I was 24) and I’m now really excited about the wedding. 

One day you will feel excited and ready too! Just make it clear to your fiance you want to wait until you finish your professional exams. I’m sure he will understand you don’t want to until the stress of that is over. I don’t think you need to tell him it’s because you feel too young and not ready if that will hurt his feelings and make him defensive. 

You don’t seem too happy about a long proposal but it’s not the worst thing in the world. And I think it’s a great suggestion to have a second ‘proposal’ once you do feel you’re ready! 

Post # 15
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@rmj3:  “When we got engaged, nobody was happy about it! ๐Ÿ˜›

I’m sorry you’re experiencing a loss of sorts. However, it’s such a happy and wonderful thing that you’ll marry the person you love, when the time is right. Perhaps you can use “We’ve Set A Wedding Date!” as the announcement that friends and family can be excited with you for.

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