He Really Said that…NOW?!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Aw, hugs, OP. It’s not easy dealing with a resentful drunk.

Could it be that he’s battling some depression, so he has started to self-medicate? Manual labour does get to a guy’s mind after some time.

Post # 5
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

@mrscross1020:  I’m almost positive your raise triggered some of those guy-type insecurities… Especially with him being used to making more money. Sounds like he already drinks, but just started drinking more as a way to deal with the feelings. 

Drunken words are just sober thoughts. Get some rest girl! 

Post # 6
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yikes that’s tough.

Clearly he’s got issues with you making more money than he is, and probably with feeling like you are on an upward trajectory while he might not have those sort of prospects.

Honestly, he’s got to work that shit out.  Fine if you prefer to make more money, then go out there and do something about it.  But to make your woman feel bad because she is successful?  That’s some serious insecurity.

Post # 7
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

This sounds really tricky and that he really needs to work through this issue without alcohol- I would also recommend counselling as it is unlikely he is going to be most comfortable metal king to you about how much he resents you earning more than him/having a higher earning potential because you went to uni. Is there a close male friend who you think will responsibly talk to him about this without just encouraging him to drink more? 

Post # 10
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

I think, rather than approaching it from the angle of “Who makes more money now”, approach your husband to see what he really aspires to do.

Gently tell him that it’s not a matter of who brings in more money; you two are a team. However, if he’s really unhappy with his work, it’s time to help him reconsider his career options even if it means going to college/university for something he would really find rewarding personally.

My guess is that his job is causing him to be depressed.

Post # 11
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mrscross1020:  Maybe it’s not a gender role thing per say, maybe he’s just depressed that he feels like he’s not making progress on his career?

Anyway, tough situation.  *Hugs!*

Post # 12
Member
3930 posts
Honey bee

wow, this is a sucky situation. I am sorry but if my SO got drunk, started having a go because I earn more money than him (which I do btw) and then told me to either go get him beer or do the deed, he would have his ass handed to him. That aside…. despite not conforming to gender roles, my SO did get down when he couldn’t find work and I was working full time as well as a a part time job to provide for us. He felt worthless because he wants to be able to look after me. That’s all sorted now and he earns a good wage, but less than me still. I think he would like to earn more to feel like he is looking after me. Either way, it makes no difference to me as we share all our money anyway. But, my point is, men can really beat themselves up about these things even though to us it really isn’t a big deal.

 

When your SO is sober and you are in a good place to chat, speak to him about his career and if he would rather be doing something else, or if it is just about the fact you earn a bit more than him. Either way he needs to get himself sorted, he can’t be bringing you down just because you are smart and successful, he should be proud of those things. My SO may wish to earn more but is beyond proud of me and my career. Most of all he needs to understand you are a TEAM!

Post # 13
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

He is jealous of your success,  as they say alcohol is a truth serum.

Post # 14
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@mrscross1020:  I don’t mean this to be mean, but I can’t think of a softer way to say it: Sure, he was anti-gender roles – until that gender role reversal slapped in him the face with a wad of cash and became real. 

The raise only just happened and it sounds like he needs some help thinking it all through. If he’s had professional help before I think that it needs to start again asap. 

One thing to consider is that he is looking ahead to the future when you guys have kids (if you want kids). Will you, the higher earner stay home ‘wasting’ your potential? Or will he, manual labour guy, have to stay home playing dad? – I’m not saying that this is bad, I’m just offering a guess as to what he is thinking in his head. 

I hope you get some rest OP and that things look better in the morning. I have no doubt that you two will be able to work this out together. 

Post # 15
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think its a gender thing at all. I don’t think its about you making more than him, more then it is his unhappiness with his job or his field. I bet he had a rough week at work. He’s not upset your successful, he’s prolly just feeling like he’s not. Your success prolly just made him realize this.  I deal with this a lot with my husband. I have a degree, I figured out what I wanted to do and I did it. He never really did he just got a 2 year business degree cus he could do anything and he stumbled on this field out of college and it was just a job.He works his butt off for shit pay and has been through 2 layoffs and never moved up and stayed up. 

He ended up taking a part time job at a gun store which is his passion and he’s working 2 jobs and trying to get our debts paid down so if they ever offer him full time, he could take it…. Even if it is a lower salary it would be worth it. He’s just not happy now, that’s all. 

Post # 16
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Am I the only one infuriated by reading this? He actually commanded you to either have sex with him or get him more beer?!

OP, I would never tolerate that behavior. It’s belittling and immature.

All because you got a raise, something you earn and deserve? He should be proud of you and toasting his hardworking, successful wife, not getting drunk and whining like a miffed frat boy.

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