- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I do think you are over reacting. I don't think it is uncommon for men to feel less bonded to an unborn child than the woman who is carrying the child. Cut him some slack.
I'm sorry your feeling down. I never experienced this myself but its probably not uncommon. Just tell him how u feel
Oh men. I am sorry your feelings are hurt. It is early enough that maybe it really doesn't feel real to him. Even when baby comes sometimes men have a hard time with infants. Hopefully he will come around honey :D Happy for your bundle of joy! Enjoy this time! I have 3 little ones, ages 21, 18 and 17, lol...
I can understand your feelings but men are Physical creatures. They need to see it, touch, smell it for it to be "real" to them. He's probably a bit jealous of the baby and the attention you are putting on it. He may not admit that but it's prob true and it's very common.
Should he have said it that way? No.
He prob doesn't know how to relay to you how he's feeling because he'll be afraid you will judge him.
@Ms Mini: my husband said this at one point to a pregnant friend of ours (he has a son from his first marriage). "A mother falls in love with that child when she has her first pregnancy symptom. A man doesn't fall in love until he looks in his child's eyes." I thought it was an intersting statement.
Cut him some slack, he doesn't get to carry a child for 9 months like you do. Some men don't get it until the child is physically in their arms.
My Fi said he didnt feel like a dad until he held our baby but I felt like a mom the first time i felt our little one kick... Its alot harder for a guy to let everything to sink in because he doesnt have a baby growing inside of him!
You are still early maybe it will feel more real when your big baby belly pops out :)
@mwitter80: I have also heard this. For guys, I think it's hard to really feel like that have a baby until they can hold it/see it/touch it. For women, we carry the child, so we can feel them from much earlier on! I wouldn't worry about it.
I can definitely see why you are hurt, I would be! But yesterday, after our gender scan, I asked DH if he was excited, and he said "Sure! As excited as I ever was...until the baby is born, this is more your thing than my thing."
So, it sounds like your DH could have been much more sensitive about it, but this also seems like a common theme among men.
At the same time, I don't see any reason why he can't help you research! There's a LOT to do, and he'll be using these baby things too after all!
i totally understand why you're hurt, as i would be too. but i totally agree with mwitter, i think once either (a) you're showing or (b) the baby is born, it will seem more "real" to him.
There's actually psychological research that men don't feel like fathers until the baby is physically there. So don't feel bad, or that it's abnormal. :) He could have explained it better, but it's not just him. That's really all I wanted to say, FI and I aren't PG or TTC. And Congratulations on your pregnancy. :)
He is definitely a kind of guy who needs to see/feel something to believe it, I hope that maybe once he can feel movement he will feel like it is more real.
To clarify, I am not upset at him, he is entitled to feel however he feels, but it still has a certain sting to it, because I thought that after he saw baby moving on the ultrasound he was feeling a lot more real about it (he loved watching baby dance on the screen knowing that he/she is growing inside me).
He has been helpful in researching the vehicles that we are looking at, so that is something, but he can't seem to get into the real "baby" decisions. It might not help that the first stroller system he liked in person had horrible reviews whereever I looked :0(
I am glad to hear I am not alone, I know that once the baby is here he will be great! It might just be a long wait if he doesn't really get into it until May!
I don't think you're overreacting at all. The baby started out as his sperm. It's just as much as his baby as it is yours. There would be no baby if it weren't for him.
i would be really hurt too! Yes, it's true that men don't feel the attachment until the baby is actually born, but it is definitely hurtful to refer to the baby as "yours" and not "ours". Hopefully once you cool down you can have a good discussion with him where you can explain how he probably didn't mean anything by it, but it was hurtful nonetheless since it's his baby just as much as it is yours. I've definitely struggled a bit with DH not being as attached yet to our baby as I am.
I could understand if he said that with not thinking about it. But since he explained himself the was he did, I personally think I would be hurt. I would probably just try and have a talk with him and explain that it takes two to have a baby!!
I can definitely see both perspectives- pregnancy is not an easy thing on a family.
I can understand how he feels left out in that he can't feel the baby move until later on, especially so early on there isn't much visible that something is there besides you being tired and not feeling great.
I also understand how you can feel hurt by that, I would too. Just realize that you are getting so much closer to your kid right now than he can even imagine, you are very lucky aside from the miserable symptoms.
I started making jokes to my husband about how HIS son/baby was beating me up with kicks or treating me badly with morning sickness, etc- I think that made him feel more involved, I'm guessing it is a guy thing.
We had an interesting conversation the other day about how he felt like this pregnancy is taking forever and how I felt like it has been flying by. It is all in your perspective, just be patient, try not to take it personally, and give it some time. Once my husband started feeling the boy move, he got even more involved and started talking to my belly.
I don't think you need to be told to cut him some slack--you are upset about feeling alone in this. That said, i think other posters are right that it may just be hard for him to grasp the reality of this yet. Maybe once you start to show and you get further along it will be easier for him to conceptualize. He will be saying "our" baby soon enough.
of course my FI jokes that until the baby starts talking and stops pooping on itself (the "ga" stage as he calls it, while making big baby eyes at me) he is worried he won't be interested. I think that is highly unrealistic--all my friends husbands got much more interested in the baby as the due date came closer, and the minute they held their own child they were all smitten beyond belief.
I completely understand. For my FI, it has always been ours. If he had ever called it just mine, I probably would have thrown him through a wall.
DH is similar, I'm 33 weeks and though he talks about our son to just about everyone we meet he's not really into feeling him kick or talking to him. I do think theres some truth to the PP's statements about when men feel like fathers. And I just figure payback is gonna be a bitch when the baby's here and I need some " me " time. :)
My DH has a daughter from a previous girlfriend and he said he didn't realize a baby was coming until she was born. His case was a little extreme because he was only with her a few months and he was very young, so I'm sure a married man is a liiiittle more prepared. But now he knows how connected he'll feel with our baby becuase of how he felt when SD was born. I think when you're first pregnant they hear it but it doesn't sink in. Once they experience a birth they can understand how exciting a pregnancy is.
His feelings are normal, but if my man said that to me I'd smack him upside the head! haha... He can just do what you ask of him even though he doesn't feel like a father yet. He's still your partner.
My husband was NOT one of those men who are super into pregnancy. He came to the occasional doctor's visit and thought the kicks were sort of cool, but he really didn't feel too much of a bond. I think it's because other than get me ice cream at odd hours, there just wasn't a whole lot for him to DO. I was essentially doing all the work, therefore it felt like "my"baby for awhile.
The second she was born he became Superdad. I don't think she left his arms for about 8 months. I knew he'd get there, he just couldn't understand the bond I already felt. And really how could he have?
I do not think that my husband ever came out and said that though. I do find that somwhat insensitive. Just don't take it as he doesn't love the baby. He does in his own way, it just probably won't become real until he can hold the baby and see what you two have accomplished.
I don't think you're overreacting. I'd be deeply offended if my SO called the baby the HE help make mine. I understand your SO not feeling connected to the baby but it's still part of him!
You have 100% right to be upset...
Even though, yes guys don't fully bond till they touch, feel, see, the baby, they can still bond through pregnancy. And he can still be on board and supportive!
It sounds to me like what he said was just a passive aggressive jab b/c he was feeling inconvenienced.
I would talk about it when you're not upset and see if there are some things he can get involved with to help him feel more connected =)
i understand how you feel. i am always freaked out that my DH is not as excited as me about this pregnancy.
in reality, he truly is excited, it is just a bit harder for him to show it. i think adjusting to this whole season of our life is going to be a bit harder for him than it is for me...men don't have the crazy maternal instinct we do.
don't worry. he will be crazy about the baby when he or she comes.
You know I am usually in the camp of cut the father some slack during pregnancy.
But in this scenario I do not think you are over reacting. If my husband said something like that -without kidding- I would be quite hurt as well. But then again I understand some guys are just like that. But mine isn't so I would be hurt if he said that.
I really doubt he meant it to hurt you. Have you told him that the statement hurt you?
*HUGS*
I know others have said you're overreacting, but I would feel the same way. At least you talked to him about it, his reasoning is pretty sound. It's also pretty normal. Most dads-to-be I've met say something similar!
LOL there wouldn't have been a probably in my scenario. There definitely would have been a hole in the wall. My husband said that some guys don't know how lucky they are.
@Miss Mini Sometimes guys shut off their emotions because it's a big thing being a father. A big responsibility. Maybe he is scared. Look at his history. Was his father a good role model. Maybe buy him a book/dvd about things he should know about being a dad.
Men don't usually get the bond with the baby while he/she is still in the belly. DH didn't really say our baby til she was born, but then after that it was "his" baby lol... until she got bigger and now when she is being bad she is "your" daughter again hahaha.
Personally, I would be bothered by it. If anything, he could've just said "the baby". It is both of yours from the time you conceive. I understand he doesn't feel much like a father yet, but he's still one.
I would just sit down and explain your feelings on this one. Tell him you hope he can become a bit more involved so he does start to feel somewhat of a bond. It may only be because you're 13 weeks as well. Wait til that baby starts growing. :)
Good luck!
I don't think you're over reacting, but I also think it's normal for him to be detached at this point.
I think it's totally understandable for you to feel hurt and also understandable for him to feel the way he does. He could have been more sensitive about how he relayed his feelings, but mean often aren't as savvy about communication as we are.
My sister is 14 weeks and her hubby has said that he doesn't feel super connected to the baby yet. I think that's normal.
For what it's worth, I've read that finding out the sex of the baby can help the father to bond with the unborn baby more easily...
I TOTALLY understand why you're hurt. Even though my husband was and has been incredibly sweet since the day we found out, it is hard for him.
I realized this actually when my sister was pregnant and I was having a ball buying her baby clothes and DH was with me, I kept asking for his opinion and he was so tight-lipped. When I asked why he wasn't participating he said, "It's weird buying clothes for someone who isn't here."
I've noticed it here and there throughout the pregnancy too, just a week or two ago Target was having a huge clearance on baby boy clothes, separates were only $2/pc and I wanted to stock up, but he just walked off. He can't get into buying things for someone he doesn't feel is real yet.
I mean he's never said anything like he's "your baby" in fact he refers to him as "my son" pretty often. I did notice that it's gotten a little easier for him since baby moves A LOT and he gets to feel it every day, he really likes that.
I wouldn't expect him to do any of the research though, it's time-consuming and frustrating, and I know he wouldn't want to (unless it was for a new car). If I find a big product I like (car seat, stroller, etc), I send him the link explaining my research and he'll usually just say "looks good" and that's it.
Now, my husband has been a SWEETHEART this whole time, lots of massages, making me dinner/snacks, getting things for me, allowing me to take day naps, etc. Very sensitive to MY needs, but like many PPs said, it's so hard for them to feel like this is real.
I'm sure it WILL get easier as you grow and he can feel the baby, but probably until you deliver, it just won't feel like "his".
But do feel free to tell him your feelings, especially since he said your baby. That can be pretty hurtful. Don't expect him to change, he can't make himself feel as exited as you are, but he can try to be more sensitive.
@miss-spunkin: Thanks for the support!
Just to update: It has been 3 weeks, and hubby went out of town for business for 2 of those weeks, he came back this past weekend, and his outlook on the pregnancy has definitely changed. I don't know if it was because he was out of communication for a chunk of those 2 weeks, or because I totally popped while he was away, but he has definitely changed. He has been feeling the bump, sleeping with his hands on it, and talking to the baby (because now it can hear him). He is a changed guy. I think that something about being away and then coming back home made it a lot more real for him.
@Ms Mini: Aww that is soo sweet! I'm so happy to hear that :) It'll be exciting when he can finally feel the baby move. You haven't felt any movements yet, have you?
@miss-spunkin: I have felt movement just once, about a week ago (I was just falling asleep on my stomach) but nothing since. I am 16w 4d so it is still early for that.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 46 |
| AshleyR83 | 24 |
| rebwana | 24 |
| mypinkshoes | 23 |
| Ms. Salamander | 23 |
| beargoose | 22 |
| his chippymunk | 21 |
| Jenlon | 20 |
| kat2014 | 19 |
| Cady | 19 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MadameTussaud | 10 |
| Miss Root | 8 |
| PandasWifey | 5 |
| KatyElle | 5 |
| BellaDee | 4 |
| KansasPrincess11 | 3 |
| Rose120 | 3 |
| MissMusic | 2 |
| Heatherloveskenny | 2 |
| JulesSchnooks | 2 |
So, I am not sure I am overreacting, but I am a little bothered/hurt by something DH said last night. We were talking about things to do with the baby coming (shopping for a bigger car, researching stuff) and I joked about assigning him research, and then he replied that he wasn't sure that he could get into research for "your" baby ... not "our" baby.
I asked him about it, and he said that the baby didn't feel as much his as it is mine right now, since I am the only one who is feeling the pregnancy. It made me a little sad.
I am 13 weeks now. He has come to the ultrasounds, and all but 1 of the appointments so far, and I have tried to involve him in all of the baby decisions, and got him to try out some strollers and stuff.
Did anyone elses SO feel like the baby wasn't really "theirs" early on? How/when did that change?