(Closed) He said he'd help. He hasn't done a thing. I'm overwhelmed :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Id be LIVID!!! My FI has done so much to help!! I cannot imagine doing this all on my own. We are a team and should be in every aspect of our lives. We also share household duties. Honestly if my FI acted that way, i would be questioning why he even wants to get married and is he going to be this way in other aspects such as parenting. 

Post # 4
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If he’s like this now, expect this to be how he handles everything. Do you plan on having kids? Yeah, I see this same issue in the future–you do everything and he plays his games. He is showing you who he really is…

Post # 5
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Nope. Not crazy. He promised to help and discouraged you from getting a wedding planner. The fact that he has actually not done one single thing is a major problem. Does he even feel bad?! My DH wasn’t excited to do things but when I gave him a handful of tasks (I still did the majority and I think that’s the norm), he did them. 

I had an ex like this with housework and it was a major issue.

Post # 6
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Planning a wedding can be a true relationship test. The thing is, if you can’t plan a wedding together, how will you be able to plan your lives together? Are you just going to do everything forever then? I don’t think that’s how it should be. Like PP said, you guys need to be a team.

And this is exactly what I said when I felt that my fiancé wasn’t contributing enough. I had to bring it up more than once, but once he realized how all of this made me feel, he stepped up. Now I won’t lie, I am still doing the majority of it, but whenever we need to have a wedding talk, he listens and tells me his opinion, even though I can totally tell that my timing isn’t good and that he is irked a little. He knows that I need discussions to keep the planning moving. I give him choices on wedding tasks and he picked a few. The point is, is this what it’s going to be like for the rest of your lives? Looks like you guys need to have a serious, in depth talk.

Good luck!

P.S. I sometimes have to remind him of certain things, but in the end, he gets them done. Mine is a gamer too 😉

Post # 7
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Someone is going to say it so it may as well be me

“When someone shows you who they really are, believe them’

 

Post # 8
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ughhh I know how you feel. My FI is the same right now (not as bad yet since I can still get his opinion but no help). It is very fustrating and I totally understand how you’re feeling. I had gotten into an argument with him about it which helped a little. But he’s still not very helpful as he complains when stuff gets very tedious. He’s trying and is getting better, hopefully another talk with my FI will do the trick.

Just talk to your FI. Let him know how upset you are about it. I know some guys just aren’t really into this stuff which makes it so much harder.

Post # 9
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

How frustrating for you!!  Part of me absolutely agrees with PP’s when they ask you if this is something YOU want to potentially put up with FOREVER (not just outside of wedding planning), because maybe this is just who he is, but then another part of me wants to say that his lack of interest in planning is part of his genetic make-up, and has nothing to do with his lack of interest in the future marriage.

Do not get me wrong, you gave him a list and he chose to not do a thing, HOPING that you would, for example, help him with the list by narrowing down officiant prospects.  That sucks, absolutely, but I can also see many men saying that exact same thing too.  Men are not necessarily all about planning.  In fact, my SO is a fly by the seat of his pants kinda guy, and so when we do plan our wedding, I know I will have to take the reins to stay organized, and well get stuff done.  And you know what?!  He knows I will, and so certainly could be lazy about the entire thing.  Just in how, assumingly, the things he has not done, you have done for him, which is something he may know you will do…(not saying that is right by any means!). 

Do I think planning a wedding equates to how he will be as a father, or husband?!  Not necessarily, but certainly it can raise red flags for you, so it is definitely something to sit down and work on together.  Write him a letter, or initiate discussion.  Tell him it hurts your feelings that he is so ‘detached’, and quite frankly, you do not want to have to do everything.  If you do not say anything, then he may not know.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sevyn:  It sucks completely, but I don’t think it’s cold feet – I think he’s just being a guy.  Most of them aren’t programmed to plan and organize events like we are!  Hell, just think about the kind of party he would host for his friends vs. the kind you’d host. If it was my FI, he’d get a 30 back of natty light, possibly a bag of chips and maybe vacuum first.  I’d scrub the house top to bottom, get tons of different types of beer and wine and drinks and mixers, make lots of yummy snacks, serve it on nice dishes, etc.  

I also have to disgaree with PPs who say this is how he is going to be with everything.  I know whole heartedly when my FI tells me he will help with our kids, he will because I see how he acts with our dog and with our nieces and nephews.  So, I don’t think his lack of help will necessarily translate into helping out in the future with housework or kids.  

While he is of course capable of doing things like researching officiants then calling them, forcing him to do it isn’t going to work so you might just have to accept he’s not going to work the way you do and find out how exactly he works. 

For us, I finally realized that it works best if I do the initial research and provide him with a short list of options for him to chose from.  Pick your battles – he’s never even going to pretend to care about a shade of orange!  

All my FI was responsible for doing was going to price out a tux.  He thought building the tux online (no price was given online) was good enough.  It was just quicker and easier for me to make the call and ask what the prices were.  Then, I told him This place is $X, the other place is $X which one do you want to go with.

I think you just need to try and find a way to work with how he works because it’s just goign to be an upsetting headache if you don’t accept how he goes about the planning.  You’re going to be pissed he’s not helping, he’s gogin to be pissed you’re mad at him for not helping (when in his mind he thinks he is helping).

Is he a procrastinator? My FI is and I’m a plan-ahead type of person.  So, when I give him something to do, I want it done ASAP, he likes to wait until the last second.  It’s just how he is and I’m not going to be successful in changing it so why bother trying and getting upset?

Try giving him strict deadlines and try talking with him calmy about how you feel about his lack of participation. Chances are he doesn’t know it is upsetting you this much. 

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@KoiKove:  

@O.My.Heart:  

Completely agree with these two! yeah, researching vendors is not fun, but I’d put my foot down NOW and make sure he knows that he cannot simply push tasks off on you because they’re not fun and he doesn’t feel like doing them.

Only thing I can see this being other than laziness is he might be afraid of screwing it up…are there any tasks he has done where you’ve criticized what he picks? I can see him trying to push it off if he’s afraid you won’t like whatever he chooses. Also applies when you have kids and running the house…if you criticize the way he dresses them or washed the dishes because it’s not the same way as yours, don’t be surprised when he just stops doing those things. Not saying you’re doing this OP, nothing in your post indicates that is the case. I just thought it was worth mentioning because I have seen a lot of girls do this to their guy.

 

I did do most of the planning for our wedding, but I was okay with that because I know I was pretty darn picky about the details, and also because DH was working 60 hours a week at his job while I was only part time working maybe 20 hours at that point.

Post # 12
Member
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I printed off The Knot list and gave it to DH so he could see what all we had left to do. It really got him thinking, and it was visual–men are better at visual stuff. I still have to help. I would say get a few numbers together and then put it on your FI to call. That isn’t such a big deal. Maybe your FI just doesn’t really care about planning a wedding? It doesn’t mean that he isn’t going to not want to marry you or isn’t going to take care of your kids anything like that. I don’t believe that for a second.

Post # 13
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Sevyn:  I’d be really angry if I were you, he said he would do these things and didn’t!  I’ve done it all on my own because I KNOW FI wouldn’t do or wouldn’t do correctly all of these things, but it is nice to at least have SUPPORT!

Can you handle stuff like this the rest of your life? Like a PP said, are you going to have kids?

Post # 14
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

i also got very upset when i felt he was not helping out.  i then had to really look at the situation to understand why.  it wasn’t because he didn’t want to help out.  he had weaknesses and the things i was asking him to help me with were his weaknesses.  i then started asking him to help with items he was good at.  i found that although he did not enjoy crafting, he did very well with certain aspects of crafting such as cutting a consistent length of ribbon.  sometimes i had to be okay with him doing other tasks around the house that helped me out but did not necessarily have anything to do with the wedding.  by him cleanign the bathroom, doing the laundry, or cooking dinner i had more time to devote to wedding related tasks.

my sis in law said it was the same way with my brother. 

Post # 15
Member
1545 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You need to be specific with him and give him ONE task at a time and a time period.

(can you call the DJ today?) If i told my FI to FIND 3 different vendors NOTHING would get done. He just doesn’t know where to even begin, he doesn’t understand whats needed or anything. And most of all he doesn’t care who – he’d prolly google it and give me the first person that popped up.  Give the guy a break. Give him specific tasks.  and don’t give him months to do it. ask him again in a few days. or every day – did you do X?

I had him looking for venues for me and when they asked for our budget he gave them out ENTIRE wedding budget instead of the venue only budget. He called me up all excited. I just laughed at him and did the rest of the venue research myself.

Most guys are not going to care about details or the creative side of things. Half the things i tell him he didn’t even know we needed.

Post # 16
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would be so upset and stressed, I dont’ think I could handle it. I don’t think you’re overreacting. My FI has helped me out a lot, and stepped back when I asked him to so I could decide. But anything I ask of him, he does it.. even if that’s just re-assuring me everything is going to be great while I cry about the cost/my wedding dress/bridesmaids ect.

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