Post # 1
So recently I’ve gotten more and more ballsy about bringing up marriage. We’re coming up on one year of living together and I want to know that I can see a Marriage on the horizon. Saturday after returning from a friends wedding he brought up that we will be getting all kinds of things we need when we get married (new pots and pans, knives etc.) this got me SUPER EXCITED and I kind of got carried away with blurting out all the plans I already have in my head for our wedding.
At that point he said “can I tell you something without you getting mad?” Umm Yeah…. He said that he knew he wanted to marry me and for us to make our family together, but that my debt was why he didn’t want it to be any time soon.
Let me tell you my debt situation and you Bee’s tell me the honest truth, because THAT HURT when he said it.
I have paid for everything I have since I was 15, my Mom was a single parent and did the best she could. I went to College and paid for it myself with student loans and unfortunately I used credit cards for the majority of my living expenses. Those credit cards now have interest rates of 18 and 23%. Now, I find myself with about $10,000 left in student loans and $7,000 in credit card debt. I make enough money to pay more than the minimum every month and have NEVER been late on a payment. My credit score isn’t perfect but it’s pretty good in my opinion. Now tell me the truth is $17,000 enough to warrant him not wanting to marry me yet?
I in NO WAY expect him to pay for MY debt and I am working hard to become debt free. I also must mention that his parents paid for his school and he still managed to get himself into credit card debt by traveling and living beyond his means out of College (on a side note it really bothers me that when they visit they still pay for everything although he is almost 30). He has since paid most of his CC debt down because he makes more $$.
If I continue the way I’m going I should be debt free in 2 and 1/2 years but I don’t want to wait that long to get married or at least engaged. I don’t want to feel like a live-in girlfriend who’s being taken advantage of.
I would totally understand if I was bad with $ and wanted him to pay my bills but I’M NOT! So Bee’s give me your honest opinions, is $17,000 a lot of debt to go into a marriage with? And how would you take it if your SO said that was the reason why they didn’t want to marry you yet?
Post # 3
Can you lay out for him how your are paying down your debt (in a visual way) and your plan to be debt free in 2 1/2 years?
Bring up that you are happy to keep finances separate after marriage, maybe even talk about the possiblity of a pre-nup?
I can understand why you are hurt about it, but my FI would be the same way because he’s a very rational thinker at his core.
Post # 4
That is a lot of debt to go into a marraige with. Why don’t you ask him if you can compromise. Let him know that you are aware of your debts and that you are working hard to pay them off. You can let him know that even if you get engaged, you can wait to get married when the debts are paid.
Post # 5
I definitely feel for you! Debt is not an easy topic and I know because I have some, for some of the same reasons as you. Luckily, my FI has always been aware of it and supportive and is now helping me pay some of it off since I am a student and only have a pt job. I would stress with your SO that your debt is your debt and you don’t expect him to pay for it and maybe that will alleviate some of his concerns? Also, maybe if you give him a detailed plan of how soon it will be paid off that could help too? I hope it works out for the best 🙂
Post # 6
I feel that if you are paying your bills on time, then there shouldn’t be a problem. I have student loan debt too, but my FH and I have an understanding that when I finish school I will pay off my student loans asap. Maybe he would feel better if the both of you went to one of those free debt management classes. Or, maybe he is using that as an excuse to throw you off because he is planning to propose soon.
Post # 7
Hmmm, that’s interesting to hear because I am more in debt than you and I don’t consider myself in WAY too much debt or bad with money (I have my student loans, car, and credit card debt) and my credit score is considered “Excellent”. I can understand what he’s saying because my BF has no debt right now and has mentioned things like this to me before. I think your BF is worried about it only because when you get married, I think all of your debt becomes his debt in a way that perhaps could affect his credit score? HOWEVER! I am on your side because I don’t think that’s too much debt or unreasonable AT ALL. There are a lot of expenses that come up in your 20s and you don’t make as much money at that point in your life. I know a big reason for my CC debt is being in weddings. So no, I don’t think $17,000 is a lot of debt to go into a marriage with because the majority of that is your student loans which is considered “good debt”. I would clarify with him his reasoning for this. Is it because he doesn’t want your debt to be part of his credit score? Is it because he thinks he’ll have to pay it off? Is it because he wants to make sure you’re financially responsible? What you say to him would depend on his reason I think.
Post # 8
I’d be PISSED. I graduated from a private liberal arts school with about $40,000 in loan debt. Pretty much everyone has student loan debt unless you went to a state school and stopped after getting your bachelor’s. You do not have that much debt. Really. And as long as you’re in a position to make your payments and have an end in sight for paying it off, there’s no reason to keep you from getting married. I’m assuming he thinks that getting married to you, with your debt, will affect his credit score. That only happens if you jointly hold accounts. I’d find out your credit score, tell him what it is, and tell him that if it’s such a big deal to him, you can keep separate accounts until you pay off your debt. Personally, I’d slap him.
Post # 9
It’s a little unfair he wouldn’t want to get engaged over your debt when part of that is from student loans. Nearly everyone who has an education left college with some debt from student loans! I would say that you appreciate his concern and you don’t want him to feel responsible for your debt, and that when you sit down to figure out how to join money when you get married, you can keep separate accounts for your separate debt and make a joint account for household bills.
Post # 10
I told FH for the longest time that I wouldn’t get married until he paid off his student loans and credit cards.
My parents always told us that you dont buy things you cant afford. Their house was paid for and when they needed a car they paid for it. When my brother went to school they paid for it etc. So i had never expierenced having $ on credit cards that you needed to pay over time or loans for school.
BUT a few years later I got over it. Not that it will take him a few years but maybe he just needs time to get use to the idea.
Post # 11
ps. you may want to consider consolidating your credit cards and transfer your balances to a credit card that has no interest on balance transfers for a year or whatever. The transfer fee would probably equal one month of your finance charges.
Post # 12
@JenBabe: Debt is a major concern when marrying a person because his/her debts automatically become each others. $17,000 in my opinion is not a lot of money and I agree with you, that was a lame excuse for not wanting to marry someone. You should speak with him, because if 17,000 is holding him back from proposing maybe he is not being too honest.
Post # 13
I’m really sorry to hear that. You sound like a responsible person to me who didn’t have the luxury of mommy and daddy taking care of everything.
I would never consider student loan debt to be bad debt. Credit card debt of $7,000 isn’t great, but I have also been in your situation. Just keep working hard at paying down that credit card debt first and foremost and you’ll be rid of it in no time.
Also, I wouldn’t say you are being taken advantage of by living with him. However, make sure that you are really splitting the expenses.
Post # 14
I had major debt when I met my now Fiance (almost husband in 9 days!!). This was not from school loans etc. Basically getting myself into trouble at age 18 with credit cards. I admitted I was totally embarassed and he was def. a huge emotional support. I had the debt paid off in no time and within just a few short months we bought a house together. If he truly loves you, he will propose despite your debt.
Post # 15
um, I have over 3 times that much debt and my FI is not holding that against me. I mean, I could see why he would be hesitant about marrying you if you were not paying on your debts every month or if you had insinuated that yo expected him to pay for them after you get married, but considering neither of those apply to you, I think his reaction is pretty harsh and I would be really hurt too.
I think the two of you just need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Don’t come across as accusitory or angry, cause, well, you did say you wouldn’t get mad. I think if you can explain to him that you are working hard to pay it off and aren’t expecting him to do it for you, then maybe he might see things differently. good luck
Post # 16
I feel it important to mention that my credit score is better than his!