- 7 years ago
Forgive me for asking for advice while being so new here, but I’ve been reading this board for a while, and am enjoying the thoughtful advice that comes out of many of the posts.
So, here is my story- it’s a fairly well known one by now, apologies if it’s redundant. I met the love of my life a little over a year ago. We started out long distance, and within a few months, he made the decision to invite me to live with him. It was a great decision for us, and we’ve been happy ever since- we’ve learned more about each other, I received way more job interviews, and eventually found a job in my field that I love.
We communicate wonderfully, and have talked about and agreed upon our goals for the future. Well, save for one. We have not once really discussed marriage. Now, it wasn’t on my mind at all until he began talk of ‘growing old together,’ and ‘for better or for worse.’ It’s turned out to be a touchy subject for him.
People constantly ask if we are married, and he answers ‘not yet.’ Admittedly, I have been a coward about bringing it up, even in opportune moments. The one time I gathered enough courage to blurt it out, it was done after I danced around the subject, and tried to hide behind wondering if our relationship is really going to last, and if he really loved me as much as he claimed to. At that point, I was in tears, he was on the defensive wondering why on earth I was suddenly so distrustful, so when I finally brought up marriage, he replied that he wasn’t sure he believed in it, and that if I couldn’t trust him, we shouldn’t be talking about it anyway.
Even though he was right, I was crushed. However, the next day, he sat down and talked about our future, and told me that he didn’t know where we would be living or what we would be doing, but that we’d be together. He even said ‘we could be married.’ Since then, he seems to bring up marriage and our friends’ weddings on a daily basis.
I’ve dropped the subject since that night, and I plan on doing so for some time. I have no desire to push him about the matter, and when the time comes, I want him to be as enthusiastic about it as I am. I want to make it clear to him that I don’t see it as a need to validate, prove, or justify our relationship, but to celebrate what we have. I think I owe it to him to give him a chance to tell me how he feels about it without my sadness and fear.
So, how do I go about this? I have been reading everything I can about marriage, and evaluating why it is important to me. But how does one explain this to someone who might not believe in marriage at all? How do I argue against ‘what’s wrong with what we have?’ I have no intention of nagging, but I feel like it’s a legitimate thing for a devoted couple to talk about. I was thinking of waiting until later next year, and have a well thought-out, articulate conversation. Should I do it sooner though, since it’s on my mind?