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So I'm back needing some advice from the hive - and needing to pour my heart out. It's weird that I write under this 'stage' name and I'm sorry about it. I have been on the boards in my usual way since getting married this past summer (and well before that) trying to be as helpful as possible to the other bees. But I'm embarrassed, creepy as it may sound, to share all this under my 'real' name.
Anyhow, the stuff with the sisters hasn't gone very well. I'm still banned from seeing the family; we still have about 50 wrapped Christmas gifts piled high in our living room! They're not giving me a second chance and my hubby says very little to them about this. He hates conflict, plain and simple, and cannot accept that -- although I probably shouldn't have opened my big mouth to one of the sisters (in retrospect) about his family never once calling us or leaving a message at home about anything, including how nice our wedding was, happy birthday, thanks for the wedding photos, how are your cracked ribs (to him) etc - it's a one-way street with him always calling them ... they are now wrong for putting me on ice like this just because I said something about it and when the sister put up a wall on the phone, I became very frustrated and took on a harsher tone than I would have liked. All true. He talks to them by phone and occasionally sees them to see his nephews and avoids the topic of me and them altogether, or when they bring it up, just grunts and listens (or so he indicates when I ask him how the convos went).
My problem/question now is: what would you do if your husband refused, I mean, literally refused to see a counselor with you? He is terrified. Literally says things like he'd give up the marriage before giving in to that. I'm not at all new to therapy. I have issues, I'm emotional, moody, etc., and I am seeing a new therapist and never quit working on my own personal growth. I know when things are broken, and our marriage is very close to the breaking point after only a few short months. And I don't believe, as he does, that we can fix this on our own. We've both said some pretty awful things to each other by now, and we've both threatened to end the marriage. It's true, I obsess about his family and his past and want to know more than he's willing to tell about his life before me. He's frozen where that's concerned. And, I agree with him, that I have been super critical and overly curious about his family and his past (my bad, I know). When I feel rejected or threatened, this reflex of being critical kicks in.
Anyhow, I'm at a point where his refusal to try counseling is a deal breaker and I've practically given him an ultimatum about it - counseling or the marriage. He's refusing - some days insisting lovingly and earnestly that we can work this out ourselves and that he really wants to, and other days, throwing up his hands in exasperation and saying he'll start to look for his own place. What do you guys think? Would you feel that way, counseling or bust? Would you give that kind of ultimatum in your marriage if things were on the rocks? Or would you keep fumbling the ball, the two of you, with the stakes so high?
when you say you have been super curious about his past and he won't tell you, what are you referring to? past relationships or something? is there a reason he won't share?
Hi. Thanks for your interest. Nah, not past relationships with other women. He's had very few compared to me and I understand enough about those (tho' not much) but the essentials, like what attracted him and why they broke up. By his past, I mean his childhood and family relationships. He claims it was all so perfect, but if it was all so perfect, I don't think as a little boy each parent plunks you down in their favorite bar to play alone with your baseball cards while they drink all afternoon. Stuff like that... the stuff a couple shares about each other because it's how we learn about each other. You know what I mean?
@Lady Love -- yeah, his family is less than perfect. Whose isn't? They are self-absorbed. Don't know how much the sisters drink (the parents are both deceased now), but yes, he would rather defend them than seek counseling with his new wife. Is that right, am I being totally small-minded here?
@shellshocked: so the problems are all about him not sharing enough? a lot of men (and for that matter, women) have no experience with therapy and don't pay much credence to it. furthermore, it is very difficult for him to come out and talk to you, let alone a stranger, so this is probably very hard for him. if this is the only issue you guys have, i'd suggest trying to be as supportive as possible and let him have his own relationship with his sisters. it sounds like they all have past baggage that they are dealing with, and if he can't open up to you, rather than lose him over this, i would just try and be as comforting and understanding as possible. sorry, this is a tough one.
Hi, I'm sorry about this situation. But what is it that you REALLY want-because I am confused? Do you have (your) family that you are close to? Do you want to be included in his family? -Is this the main issue??? Or is there something else I am missing? As far as his family background-it is what it is-and if he's okay with that, why bring it up?? I'm confused?
Therapy or counseling is not going to work unless he is willing to do it. Forcing him to go isn't going to accomplish anything- you can go on your own and equip yourself with the tools you need to help yourself in this situation, and you should if he isn't willing to seek help.
@ Lady Love -- this is out of my depth too because I'm no shrink but I think part of what holds my guy together is this picture he's painted for himself of this near-perfect past (which I suspect was anything but). I really do have the sense that it's a linchpin for him and if it gets pulled out, watch out, he could come undone. He seems very stable and all that, and very even-handed (his employees love him and.. well, so do I), but beneath the surface there's some big stuff that, you're right, he does not want moved or shaken at all. Cause when I try talking to him about it, he either clams up or yells at me, literally (and it's the only time he ever yells at me or runs into another room to get away from me).
@shellshocked: so i guess the simple answer is not to bring it up, right? if this is the only issue, and he won't go to therapy, you can't make him. i wouldn't bring it up- he will talk about it with you when/if he is ready.
Ladies -- sorry if I jumble my responses to your responses all together...
the suggestion that I be supportive was a good one. I can try. You all seem to be so good at that; I can be better, believe me.
As for what I really want -- it's a tough question, oddly, and I'm surprised that I don't have a ready answer. Yes, I have my family which I'm close to and my work buddies (been at the same job for years) so that's all good but, yeah, who doesn't want to feel accepted by their husband's family? He's done a pretty poor job of ever talking about me, letting them know who I am, what I am, what I mean to him (I know, I know - some of you are laughing right now cause he married me right? that was some public proclamation, but I think you know what I mean. Like one of his nephews is trying to break into writing as a career and I write (a very specific kind of writing) but I write for a living and he never even told the kid that - and he's real close to him. Okay, and the other thing I want is for my husband to be open with me and honest with me - to talk with me, pillow talk, whispers in the dark, about his life, past and present, his hopes and dreams. I love him (God, we're so different!) but he's shut up tight.
@shellshocked: well, while that would be lovely, maybe that just isn't the kind of person he is. he wasn't like that before you got married, right? were you not together long before you got married? i would just focus on his strengths and learn to live without the other things like a big, loving family reception on his side.
So... your husband's outright refusal to try counseling with you (if you were fighting all the time in a new marriage) would not be a dealbreaker for some of you??
It would not be a dealbreaker for me. Not everyone recognizes therapy as valuable or important to a struggling relationship. It sounds like he wants to work on things - isn't there some way you can do that without therapy?
It would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you've been miserable for some time now, and I think this would be the last straw if it were me.
You've tried working things out on your own, and it sounds like your relationship has only continued to deteriorate. In your words, the marriage is close to its breaking point. You've both given ultimatums, you've both threatened to end the marriage. What more can be said and done between the two of you that you haven't already tried?
I guess it's hard for me to understand why he is so dead set against counselling that he would rather lose you than go see someone with you. To me, that says it all. He's made his choice. Whether your marriage dies slowly and painfully, or whether you follow through with a final ultimatum, he's okay with that as long as he doesn't have to go to counselling.
I'm honestly sitting here trying to wrap my head around that. Your marriage is clearly not the number one priority in his life. So what is his number one priority? This other thing is so incredibly important to him that your marriage is disposable in comparison. He's willing to throw your relationship under the bus in order to preserve this other thing... but what is it?
It seems like his secrecy has been a negative theme throughout your relationship, and that his secrecy directly contributes to a lot of the dysfunctional aspects of your relationship, as well as the relationship between you and his family. That's not the kind of thing people recognize and break out of on their own. So unless he has displayed significant self-awareness and insight into his own issues, I'm really skeptical of his claims that you can work through these problems on your own.
I really suggest seeing someone by yourself, so you can sort through your thoughts and feelings and find some clarity. If he won't cooperate, that's all you can do.
if he won't go to counseling with you, i would go on your own. i second a lot of what @jayce: said. i hope things get better for you!
Hi. I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. It must be very frustrating for you, and also disheartening that you feel like your marrige is not working out. I have a few thoughts to share.
First, my first year of marriage was tough. It made me really sad, because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Everyone was telling me that I was still in the "honeymoon" phase and I felt like things should have been perfect. The good news is that my marriage has gotten stronger AND better after the first year. I would say that the best way to describe it is "settling." It took some time for my husband and I to settle into being married and figure out how it would work for us. Dating or being engaged is a different dynamic, and it took us some time to work out the kinks. There was no more "him" or "me" when it came to decision making. We were REALLY making a decision for "us."
Second, I would not give him the ultimatum of counseling or ending your marriage. Because you are essentially saying that "your way" (counseling) is the right way, and his way (whatever that is!) is wrong. No one wants to hear that. And technically, neither of you are the experts, so neither of you have the "right" way. Although counseling might work for you, it might now work as well for him. And now that you are married, you can't just make the decision of what to do based on what is best for you-- it has to be what is best for you both ("us") as a couple.
What I would suggest is that you go to a MARRIAGE counselor (not just a regular therapist) by yourself. Believe me, your husband is not the only man on this earth that doesn't want to go to counseling. I guarantee that MANY men (my husband included!) do not want to consider counseling. It's not just that they think it's a waste of time. They often (not all men, but a lot!) think differently than women. We tend (I am completely generalizing- this does not mean every single person is like this!) to want to talk about our thoughts and feelings, and work through things verbally. That is why we like therapy. Men, on the other hand, like to address a problem, get over it, and move on. So if he agrees to go to counseling, he might have to talk about his past. Which, in his mind, even if it wasn't perfect, he has already addressed & "fixed" it and moved on. So it is pointless to him to bring it up again. He might also think that a therapist is just going to tell him everything he is doing wrong and how to change. No one wants to hear that! The therapist won't do that, but he might think that is what is going to happen.
I am sure you won't be the first person to go to a marriage counselor by yourself. And the counselor might be able to give YOU advice on how you can fix things on your end. It's not that you'll be able to fix the problem yourself, but the therapist might give you ideas on how to respond to him differently or approach him differently, so that you are getting what you need (working through your marital problems) while he is still getting what he needs (not going to therapy). ALSO, he might come around. If you show an effort on your part, and he sees that you approach things differently, are more rational or calm about things, then he might see the benefits of therapy. Your therapist might also have a few ideas on how to get him to come to therapy (promising to only talk about the here & now in your relationship, or something...). Like I said, the marriage counselor is probably pretty familiar with men who don't want to go to therapy!
Also, I would consider trying to patch things up with his sisters. It sounds like there might have been a bit of a yelling match on the phone, and that they are no longer welcoming. OF COURSE I don't know the back story. BUT just remember that his sisters are going to be around for a long time. If there is ANY WAY possible, you might want to try to mend things with them. EVEN if they were wrong. If it is a simple understanding blown way out of proportion, a simple letter to them that say "I think things have gotten out of hand, and I had no intention of things ever being like this between us. We both love your brother very much, and I really want to apologize for _____(xyz)_____. Could we start over?" Anyway, that's just a side note... and I'm sure there's so much more to the story, so if it's impossible to mend thing, then maybe try not to bad mouth them in front of your hubs, because it puts him in the middle!
I hope things work out for you!!!!
Wow! to all the insight from LoveHappy. Thank you. I tried asking a marriage counselor tho' if they would see me alone and they said, no way. But I did start to see a new therapist and the stuff with my marriage is most of what we discuss.
@Jayce: "I guess it's hard for me to understand why he is so dead set against counselling that he would rather lose you than go see someone with you. To me, that says it all. He's made his choice. Whether your marriage dies slowly and painfully, or whether you follow through with a final ultimatum, he's okay with that as long as he doesn't have to go to counselling.
I'm honestly sitting here trying to wrap my head around that. Your marriage is clearly not the number one priority in his life. So what is his number one priority? This other thing is so incredibly important to him that your marriage is disposable in comparison. He's willing to throw your relationship under the bus in order to preserve this other thing... but what is it?"
You have hit the nail on the head here. I felt an ache in my gut when I read the part about whether my marriage dies "slowly and painfully" or whether I follow through on my final ultimatum. I'm of two minds right now. One is to try to follow what some of the other bees have said about trying to do it "his" way and continuing to get help on my own, and the other is to.... what you say here, what I led you to say.
As for what it is he's trying to preserve -- I don't want to get too heavy here or run the risk of psycho-babble, but might it be his sanity (!), his sense of self which is wrapped up in this false rewrite of his personal narrative (family history, mainly)? I mean, if he loses that, you know, how terrifying for him? I keep telling him that a marriage counselor won't necessarily delve into his past (tho' he hasn't at all come right out and said this is what he's afraid of; I just think so). I tell him it is likely to be more superficial and deal with the behavioral aspects of how we relate to each other and all. Still, he adamantly refuses. What scares daylight out of me too is how rigid he's being and how readily he's able to say "no" to me on something I tell him is so important to me (to us). Yes -- I knew what I had when I married him, but no, I had no idea he could be this rigid. This, frankly, has me real upset.
@shellshocked: It wouldn't be for me. Therapy only works if you want it to. If my husband didn't want to go to therapy there's little point in forcing him to.
And your husband doesn't seem to have issues except the ones you're purposely digging for. If he's sensitive about his family or his past why are you pushing him? You can't make him ready to share with your, or make him want to work on it. Let him come to it on his own when he's ready (even if that means never).
@taylor4 - I get your point. But I'm going to be honest at the risk of getting jumped on: I don't have a whole lot of patience for people who aren't willing to examine their lives, themselves in the hope of doing better, of getting a little personal growth in along the way. I know, I know. I married him and I knew what I was getting when I did. But to tell you the truth, I was very attracted to him, and not just physically. You know how it goes - you see things a certain way. Like I saw this stuff as mysterious, a side to him that was 'foreign' to me and therefore exciting somehow which eventually I'd come to know. Does that make sense? Now that tantalizing mystery is a plain old stone wall that I can't break through and it frustrates and upsets me to think I'm with someone who's all about - 'how was your day, dear? Okay, good. What's on television tonight?' Are you kidding me? As for how long we knew each other? Three years, though I fell in love with him very, very quickly. Now I know deep in my heart and soul that we could use some help.
I think you're being incredibly unfair to your husband. He doesn't want to talk about his family--you need to respect him enough to let it be. His family doesn't call you and personally invite you to things and inquire about you or the two of you as a couple? Neither do my in-laws. Neither do the in-laws of most of my friends and family members. I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. If your husband has a painful past (do you know this for sure?) then that's not something that he's just going to open up and talk about because you ask him. Things that are deep, hidden, personal...these things come out over a lifetime of deep trust. It sounds to me like you're hounding him to tell you his personal and painful secrets, which he doesn't believe he has, and if I were him, I'd be frustrated too.
Is there more than what you're telling us? Because from this and your other posts all I can gather is that you and your husband's family don't get along, you don't approve of their family dynamic, and you're frustrated that he doesn't want to talk about it. This does not, to me, seem like a deal breaker. Perhaps he'd start to open up about his family if he didn't feel you were so apt to judge it. I think you need to give him a break. You just got married and all of a sudden you're pushing him to open up in a way he never did before--that's a lot of pressure. Continue to see your therapist and see what comes of that. Hopefully that will give you some tools to handle this situation in a way that works for both of you.
@shellshocked: I'm really sorry you're going through this. However, from some of you reponses, it seems like you married him and now are expecting him to be totally different as soon as you ask him to. He is who he is. You love him, then you love him as is. Can they be frustrating...oh my god yes....but the foundation of your relationship should include an all accepting love IMO. I agree with a lot of the PP's in that forcing him to go to therapy isn't going to do any good. And, harping on him about issues he's never wanted to discuss before just doesn't seem very productive or fair to him in all honesty. I can see why he is so rigid on the issue. I think you mean well and you want to truly correct these issues to save your marriage, but you may just want to take a step back and reevaluate everything and make sure it's really as serious as losing your husband over. Best of luck!
Your DH has chosen an image of his childhood that makes him happy. He remembers the good parts and projects those rather than voicing the bad memories. Even if his childhood was less than perfect, if his images and memories work for him and make him happy, why do you have to drag the ugliness out?
If you weren't able to get to the bottom of things and get all of your questions about his past answered in the three years you've known him, then you should've resigned yourself to the fact that you never would. He didn't want to open that up to you before you got married. If he didn't give you all the information you wanted before the wedding, did you honestly think you think you'd get it after the wedding?
My advice? Drop your intense quest into his past and let sleeping dogs lie.
Okay, very helpful stuff, but this point was was made earlier "Whether your marriage dies slowly and painfully, or whether you follow through with a final ultimatum, he's okay with that as long as he doesn't have to go to counselling"...
ladies, that nearly killed me to hear him say that.. that there wasn't anything he would try, bungee-jumping off the highest bridge - if it'd save his marriage!
But if I'm to back off now, I'll do my level best and I'll continue getting help solo to help myself chill on some of this stuff, you know? But I'm not going to walk away from this kidding myself that it doesn't hurt and worrying me deeply that he isn't willing to go the distance before flushing the marriage... and that he's so able to "No" me. I mean, he's already nixed my dream of where to live, how to live in a few years. Why? Why do you think? It'd take him (90 minutes) too far from his family! Such is life. My life. And I'm trying to learn to live with it.
@ lady love - thank you. And to you and the others and not to belabor this because you've already said much and spent a lot of time on this but I have said all this to him, very directly, so I reached a point where I was at wit's end and gave him this counseling ultimatum sort of painting myself into a corner.
@shellshocked: I don't have anything else to say, except that I'll be thinking of you and I really hope this works out. It strikes me that you're very self-aware and very good at articulating your feelings. I know how it feels when you're with someone who is the complete opposite, and how frustrating it is that they can't say what's in their heart. It comes naturally to you. It takes work for others... which is why it's too bad he won't go to a counsellor, but I'm rambling now. Just wanted to let you know that I understand your frustration and hurt.
I know I'm jumping in after some pretty heavy-duty processing has gone on, but you made a comment about not having patience for someone unwilling to look at their lives that really jumps out at me. I'm not planning on jumping on you for it, merely pointing out that it also seems fair to say that your husband is letting you know he's afraid to do so. If I were afraid to look at something that is deep and possibly painful in my life and my FI were pushing me to do so, it would only make me dig in my heels and balk even more. There are things both FI and I struggle with, and I've found that although there are painful areas of FI's life I want to understand, I have to sit back and trust that he'll let me into those things in his own time. For me, it's about being gentle with one another, and trust. Hang in there, I hope it gets better for you soon.
@Karenski - thank you for that, and well said. I really have to look at that and see it that way, and others here have suggested that trust takes time, even a lifetime. I've admitted my impatience with this - and it's partly from all the darn hard work I've done willingly over the years in this regard. Life is short and I don't think time spools out endlessly for us. So when is it enough time before we need to look at these things and, yes, open up to our loved ones? I am frustrated, it's true. You know what? My husband wasn't at all sure about getting married - ever, and I really thought he might not ask. Then one day, he upped and did, and he's never been able to articulate what changed inside of him, what brought him to that point. So his lack of processing anything out loud leaves me in the dark, guessing all the time. I am trying to get used to -- what is it? -- a style of communicating (or not-lol). Or, should I say if I'm being honest, I'm railing against our differences, and lately, our pretty home isn't the most fabulous place to be!
I totally agree with @mrsmdphd:
My husband and I have been married nearly 30 years. His family have never given me even a birthday card. No big deal. I am not close to them, they are nearly strangers to me. I have my own family and friends. Everyone has baggage from family, allow your husband to hang on to his good memories. Why push him to remember negative ones?? That would just be hurtful to him IMO. You are together into the future. There doesn't seem to be a reason to pick things apart. If YOU are having the difficulty with his family not liking/speaking to you-then that is something for you to deal with in therapy. Why not allow him to have his own dealings with his family. I agree-it seems like you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Not everyone has to have their in-laws like them, love them, or even include them. Why would you be willing to give up a marriage over their lack of communication with you? Or force your husband to DO what-get therapy for a somewhat painful childhood? I think you would just be happy to move on with your future with him. Not every childhood has to be dissected. It puzzles me why you insist on going "backward" with him. You two have your life ahead of you! My husband isn't a big talker, most men aren't. He lives for the present. We talk about important things, and things that interest us now. Not the past. I hope that you can get through this. Not everyone has a desire to "work on themselves".
@shellshocked: The only advice that I can give you is not to give ultimatums unless you really plan on following through. Do you really want to divorce this man?
My husband would Love you ladies! I don't mean to be glib here, but you're a breath of fresh air because I wasn't seeing the other side of this at all, just becoming more entrenched in my position. @jayce - not to single you out at all, but your opinion is closest to mine, or what mine has been up to now. But I'm trying to stay open here (that's why I asked the question of the hive in the first place) and it's obvious that the overwhelming majority of gals here think a bit differently. See - for those of you who are not big proponents of therapy - I'm still screwed up after all these years! I get (emotionally) hung up on a thing, as I am on this stuff - with my guy's family and his background and his silences. How to ease up? I wish I was like the rest of you - so many in the hive seem so centered and level-headed (not all!)... I need to digest this now. We'll see. Thank you. that's not good-bye; it's thank you, which means I'm open to any more suggestions if they're out there, but the time and thought you've all put in so far has been a blessing.
My FI used to absolutely refuse to do premarital counseling (we were having pretty bad relationship problems)... He used to always say he would rather our marriage come to an end before going to counseling. Luckily for me our pastor requires it and since we have been going things have gotten much much better. I will be praying things work out, and you get the help you need.
okay, one more thing before I leave work for home!
@cyndistar3 -- I wish counselling had been required. Because, you see, I knew/know it would help us. Now, I'm back in my darn loop.
i would say that if he refuses to go or get help then he doesnt want to work on things. you cant be the only one willing to fight for your marriage and relationship.
FH and I had to go to pre marital counseling if we wanted to get married in the church and although FH and i really dont have problems we really enjoy it.
the pastor gets you to say things you may not say on your own (nothing totallly abd though) and i look at it as a judgement free zone. anything that he may say in counseling i dont "attack" him about it later
"i would say that if he refuses to go or get help then he doesnt want to work on things. you cant be the only one willing to fight for your marriage and relationship."
@cllyons - that's what it feels like to me!
For the many of you bees who felt I should back off insisting my husband get counseling with me, do you disagree then with the point that he's not 'willing to fight for the marriage or relationship'?
I don't think any of us can speculate on whether he's "willing to fight for the marriage or relationship". Only he can answer that. Everyone has different ways of fighting for things. He may think he can fight for this in a way that doesn't involve therapy.
When You suggest counseling, is this after a fight or during an explosive time where he could be taking it wrong? When you say "we need counseling" men hear, "something is wrong with you and I want to have you fixed." People don't jump at that. This should really be approached in a delicate way. Bring it up in a time when you are not fighting ,and from your perspective, not his, such as, " I think it would help us to go together, because when I do _____ I know it makes you feel like _______ and I don't want us to do this anymore. If you take some of the responsibility for the need for counseling (even if you have to dress it up a bit) he will probably be more receptive to it.
I had a situation with my FML where she ended up flipping out on my unprovoked. She basically slammed me in every way possible and was screaming in my face, when my fiance came in and heard everything that she was saying, she tried to get him to agree with her. Well, my fiance put her in her place so fast it would make your head spin. He told her that she couldn't be more wrong, and its a shame that she doesn't see how wonderful I am to him and how much I take care of him. He told her that she had better apologize and that if she ever did anything like this again, he and I would not be back. (and by that he meant either of us). She apologized bawling hysterically and promised that nothing like that would ever happen again. It hasn't and we do see each other. It is weird for me but she has been sweeter than pie ever since.
My point here is that, If he hadn't done that, she would have felt that she was right. He told me that until I am comfortable that we will not be going over there. He told her the same, and told her not to expect me to just "get over" how I was treated. Your husband was a son and brother first until he took a wife. Then he becomes husband and father. He needs to recognize that shift. His tip toeing around his family is only going to widen the rift, because if he doesn't bring you around and stand by your side, they are going to see that as there being something wrong with you and he recognizes it too. He needs to sit them down and tell them that they don't have to like you but they will respect you, and he doesn't want to lose his relationship with them, but you are his wife and if they can't suck it up and be nice, then it will be a real shame because they won't be seeing him either. You guys may always hate each other, but if you make yourself scarce it will only justify them. You put on a nice face, be pleasant and limit your interaction, but you can't hide. explain to your husband that by not putting the situation out there to be dealt with, he is taking the opportunity away for all of you to ever get along. He needs to be the hero here, and you need to make it seem as such. Tell him that only he can fix this, and that you want everyone to be able to get along, not be best friends, but get along. He needs to be bringing you with him. You may feel sooooo uncomfortable, but you go, you smile and if they are awful address it with your husband and give him the opportunity to do the right thing this time.
I am sorry that you didn't have this situation pre marriage so you could get a better idea of how he would handle this, because it would have been a deal breaker for me. If my Fiance would have caved to his mom that day and let her talk to me like that, I would have told him to pound sand. I don't need a mama's boy, I need a man who is going to defend me against all attacks, be the back bone of our family, protect our children....if he is scared to tell mom she is out of line, then it would change the way that I felt about him. You don't need a "sister's boy". This is a delicate matter, but it needs to be handled. You need to make a "no walking away rule". For either of you to threaten to end the marriage this soon is just absurd. Don't let your anger talk, but get to the bottom of this.
@diy84 - I envy you, I really do, and I have a feeling some of the others do in the hive too, for having your guy jump to your defense like that - and to his mother! It's true, I'm not so lucky. Whether it would have been a dealbreaker for me before we married, I can't say for sure because he has so many other qualities I came to love. I suppose though that I do have a Sisters' Boy, and if his mom was alive, likely a Mama's boy. Not good. For any of us. Lousy for me, I know.
But you should also remember that I started this by not leaving well enough alone and picking at what is apparently the family's style of very little communication ('cept between the two big sisters) and the one-way street in terms of only ever telling my husband what they're up to and rarely if ever asking about him/us. And then, like I've said here, I got testy when my meager suggestion that a message now and then to us both on our home phone would be most welcome was met with such resistance (and denial that they've done anything wrong - when you know from my first post a month ago that one of them was pretty nasty to me on the phone previously).
Anyhow, in retrospect, I should have left well enough alone. BUT, I agree wholeheartedly, that being put on ice this way has deserved a great big defense from their brother/my husband, and he hasn't delivered. AT all. That is tremendously disappointing and worrying to me. The only thing I can say in his defense (and that doesn't mean I'm not pissed and hurt), is that he avoids confrontation at all cost, on everything. So it's not just that he's not sticking up for me here.
I'm going to break off this post now and write a new one in a few to bring you gals up to date on last night.
@shellshocked: I don't agree that him being reticent to exposing issues he may (or may not) have had in his past, and him not wanting to go to counseling to expose these issues means he's not willing to fight for the relationship.
It means he doesn't want to do what you want to do to save the relationship and those are not the same thing at all.
You could continue to get one-on-one help, you could talk to a marriage counselor solo and then you guys can try and work it out between each other. You did say that he thinks you guys can fix it. So it's not like he doesn't want to work on it. He just doesn't want to work on it the same way you want to work on it.
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