- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
So I’m back needing some advice from the hive – and needing to pour my heart out. It’s weird that I write under this ‘stage’ name and I’m sorry about it. I have been on the boards in my usual way since getting married this past summer (and well before that) trying to be as helpful as possible to the other bees. But I’m embarrassed, creepy as it may sound, to share all this under my ‘real’ name.
Anyhow, the stuff with the sisters hasn’t gone very well. I’m still banned from seeing the family; we still have about 50 wrapped Christmas gifts piled high in our living room! They’re not giving me a second chance and my hubby says very little to them about this. He hates conflict, plain and simple, and cannot accept that — although I probably shouldn’t have opened my big mouth to one of the sisters (in retrospect) about his family never once calling us or leaving a message at home about anything, including how nice our wedding was, happy birthday, thanks for the wedding photos, how are your cracked ribs (to him) etc – it’s a one-way street with him always calling them … they are now wrong for putting me on ice like this just because I said something about it and when the sister put up a wall on the phone, I became very frustrated and took on a harsher tone than I would have liked. All true. He talks to them by phone and occasionally sees them to see his nephews and avoids the topic of me and them altogether, or when they bring it up, just grunts and listens (or so he indicates when I ask him how the convos went).
My problem/question now is: what would you do if your husband refused, I mean, literally refused to see a counselor with you? He is terrified. Literally says things like he’d give up the marriage before giving in to that. I’m not at all new to therapy. I have issues, I’m emotional, moody, etc., and I am seeing a new therapist and never quit working on my own personal growth. I know when things are broken, and our marriage is very close to the breaking point after only a few short months. And I don’t believe, as he does, that we can fix this on our own. We’ve both said some pretty awful things to each other by now, and we’ve both threatened to end the marriage. It’s true, I obsess about his family and his past and want to know more than he’s willing to tell about his life before me. He’s frozen where that’s concerned. And, I agree with him, that I have been super critical and overly curious about his family and his past (my bad, I know). When I feel rejected or threatened, this reflex of being critical kicks in.
Anyhow, I’m at a point where his refusal to try counseling is a deal breaker and I’ve practically given him an ultimatum about it – counseling or the marriage. He’s refusing – some days insisting lovingly and earnestly that we can work this out ourselves and that he really wants to, and other days, throwing up his hands in exasperation and saying he’ll start to look for his own place. What do you guys think? Would you feel that way, counseling or bust? Would you give that kind of ultimatum in your marriage if things were on the rocks? Or would you keep fumbling the ball, the two of you, with the stakes so high?