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my boyfriend's been hinting and hinting that he's gottena ring and that he'll propose soon .. he actually let me see it and to be honest i'm really dissapointed .. i love him to death but the one thing i said i definitely wanted was yellow gold .. he got white .. then he only got 1/2 a carat (which i know to some people is a lot, but i was hoping closer to 1 carat b/c i know he can afford it) (i even offered earlier to pay for part of it to) .. he just bought a new truck and last week a $6,000 motorcycle..he said my ring cost $3,500. Is it bad that i am somewhat upset that he spent more on a "toy" (the motorcycle) than on the ring i am suppose to wear for the REST of my life?? .. i mentioned something like that jokingly and he said "you can always upgrade later", but i'm a sentimental person and i want the ring he proposes with to be the one i wear for all of my life. I'm really confused on how to approach this subject. Please help. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
i don't have any advice for you, just sending out big HUGS. that's terrible that he didn't listen to what you wanted, and spent more money on a bike he will probably get sick of in a few years than on the ring you will wear for the rest of your life
I'd just be straight and sit him down and talk to him about it again before its too late to return the ring or anything. And maybe as him why he just brushed you off with upgrading it later. Honestly, I dont think there's any point in wasting $3500 on a ring just to upgrade it later. If you upgrade later to a ct, that'd be what? Another 6-7k? Add in the 3500 spent on that one, and that's about 10k!! It'll cost less down the line to just get it right the first time, espeically if you can afford it and wont want to change it again. I mean, I know it's supposed to be a gift and all, but let's be real, if you're going to marry each other, surely you can talk about such a big puchase openly and come to an understanding or each others point of view and an agreement.
I am sorry that your not happy with your ring. But I personally did not want a hugely expensive ring. Mine was $700. And while you wanted a ring worth more than his bike, I told my FI that I did not want a car sitting on my finger. And your ring is more than the car that I drive.
So I guess its horses for courses.
@pinkshoes: I agree. OP, you should talk to him about this before it become a major problem/resentment.
If you don't want to come right out and tell him that you are dissappoointed, then use the yellow/white gold think to start it off. Just tell him that you love it but that you really really wanted yellow gold so you just want to get it re-set with another band.... then maybe when you go to the jewelery store,(if you're ring is a solitaire or doesn't have diamonds down the band) happen uppon a yellow gold band with diamonds on it that you love. Hope this helps!
Yikes nothing is more frustrating than a man who doesn't listen to or take into account what your wants are but goes out and satisfys his own. I hope you don't get bashed for "being ungrateful" by anyone, b/c in all honesty, it sucks to not be listened to whether it's over something as trivial as weekend plans to something major like an engagement ring. I'd sit his ass down and ask him how he'd have felt to receive a pink motorcycle and see if he can relate....
@Johnson in Waiting: I think the biggest concern would be getting the white gold over the yellow gold. I am a white gold wearer myself and I would HATE to wear yellow gold so I can imagine you would feel the same about white, especially if it doesn't match your other jewellry. I would be upfront and tell him you would like to exchange.
As for the diamond size....well....that one is a bit harder to get around. It was a gift so who are you to dictate what size you get? It's a horrible situation I know and there is no way you can ask for a bigger diamond without looking like a brat (no offense) what I would do, is lead with the yellow/white gold dilemma, and say you would like to go with him and help pick. THEN you can start looking at bigger diamonds and he should get the hint.
I helped fi with my ring, I secretly really wanted a 1 carat too, but I just couldn't justify the money even though we make a good income and I still LOVE my .7 carat. At the end of the day, it is a just a ring, and it is from your best friend who you will be spending the rest of your life with....Try not to lose sight of that.
Good luck!
I would be really disappointed, and I totally get not wanting to upgrade - I wouldn't want to either. You should definitely tell him what you are thinking, because this could be very important later on in your relationship, not only because you need to be happy with your ring, but because you need to have an understanding about how you spend your money. I would be so sad to know that his "toy" cost more than my ring. It really has nothing to do with a particular amount of money, it has everything to do with feeling like you are the most important thing. Just be gentle and honest, and you'll get it all figured out.
This is just logistics. Of course a motorcycle is going to cost more than a ring. That doesn't mean the ring is cheap. The two are just on completely different price scales. 3500 dollars for a ring is a lot and it's unfortunate it's not what you wanted. I know that you will have to wear it the rest of your life, but why be too picky? It's the ring that HE picked out. The ring my fiance got me is gorgeous - not EXACTLY what I wanted - but that didn't matter to me. What matters is that he picked it out and he got it for me. It's the sentiment behind it, not the actual rock that matters.
Bad boyfriend .He should brought a $6000 ring (equal for both ) he's not fear , talk with him .
maybe you could talk to him and just tell him that you really would prefer yellow gold and maybe you can get something different. I agree that the price shouldnt really matter. but if you arent going to be happy with it and its going to bug you, I would definately talk to him about it.
@sunnylove: I understand what you're saying about the "sentiment," but from the gist of the OP it seems maybe he didn't put as much thought or sentimental value as he should have. First off, white gold versus yellow is a very easy thing to notice and pick out, it's not like she wanted something that is difficult to find. Also, I feel you OP, because I'm sure your ring is supposed to be more sentimental than a motorcycle, but then he spent more on it.
I second the PP that suggest to approach the subject with him from the white/yellow gold aspect, then maybe gently suggest that you had imagined a bigger stone.
For what it's worth, my ring cost less than a quarter of what yours did (just to stave off the people who would like to call me materialistic), but I too would be very upset if I told my SO what I wanted and he didn't listen, let alone spend more on something that is not nearly as important or special.
I think your feeling are totally justified. I would not be happy with a 1/2 carat diamond if I knew that he could afford to go bigger. And the fact that he's making other big purchases for himself around the same time as your ring just shows that he could have put more $ towards it for you. I would definitely sit him down and let him know how I felt about everything. Start out the conversation on a positive note by being grateful for the ring he purchased, and then bring up the changes that you would like made.
To be fair he probably really didn't know you wanted a bigger rock, and he might have looked at it and thought it was fine. Men don't get rings like girls do!
Having said that, he bought you white gold when you wanted yellow, so that means he probably wasn't paying enough attention, or just completely stuffed up.
I know it's hard but talk to him. Just say outright that you love him but you told him you hated white gold, and that you want a ring that you really love!
Don't say you want a bigger rock though, that's just greedy. Perhaps, if you talk to him about it the right way, he might take you back to the shop and let you pick out your own! :)
@Johnson in Waiting: i know this isn't most people's way of thinking but my FI actually said to me... Why are we okay spending $25k on a car that would be worthless in a few years but not that on something you'll wear the rest of your life? I think you're justified in being a little miffed.
@taylor.ashleys: I think that is a great idea! Could be a bit problematic thought if he does not propose very soon, because if the ring is outside of return policy it's going to really suck having to pay the full amount for the new one.
Oddly enough $6,000 is pretty cheap for a bike.
OP - Do you think it's a gag and he didn't let you see *THE* ring?? I only ask because he seemed so nonchalant about the upgrade, the fact that it's the wrong color gold...it seems odd to me. Is it possible he showed you a 'decoy' CZ and sterling silver ring to throw you off the scent? My dad did that to my mom once, bought her the most gaudy hideous CZ ring (I helped pick it hehe) he could find and wrapped it for Christmas and after she pretended to love it (despite the WTF picture I took of her reaction) he showed her the laptop he'd actually gotten her. Just a thought.
You have a right to be upset and I would calmly tell him how you feel before he gives you the ring. He didn't listen to your previous guidance so its time to be straight with him. With the gold thing, I totally get it. I HATE yellow gold. I never wear it. So if my SO bought a yellow gold ring I don't know what I would do. He would probably be returning it pretty fast lol.
While I do think it is concerning that he spent significantly more money on a bike than your ring, I think it is even more concerning that he did not listen to the ONE request you had, which was to have a yellow gold ring. That would have been SO simple to do and wouldn't have cost him a penny more than the white gold. It's almost like he doesn't care about what you had to say at all.
I would be upset that he didn't listen. But, I would also try and look at it from a guy's perspective...he probably values something that has a practical use (a mode of transportation) more than something whose function is merely ornamental. I can see logic in that. Now that i'm on the "other" side of the wedding, I look back and think "wow, there's a lot of money that gets spent on wedding-related stuff for no other reason than societal expectation. What a waste". So, from the other side, I would say "Thank god he only spent $3,500 on the ring". But, i'd still be pissed that he got the wrong kind of gold ;-)
@Johnson in Waiting: a 1/2 carat and 3500? that doesn't make sense. i think he paid less than that
This is the man you are going to marry!! Don't hide your feelings,, tell him before he cant return it,,its something you will wear for ever,,you will look at it constantly and have to show it to other people as well,,not that it matters what other people think but it matters how you feel when showing it. You are making a lifelong commitment with him so you should be open and honest..and if it is as Merry Widow said then you will have something to laugh at and tell to your grandchildren..good luck
I think you are out of line here. The 2 entities are entirely different. However, you do need to be honest with your feelings to your FI.
I'm not sure where the whole "my ring only cost this much" or "is it big enough" mindsets have come from. What ever happened to the ring being about commitment and a symbol from one loved one to another.
My ring cost $1800 and I love it. I love the man that gave it to me and I love the meaning/feeling behind it. I would say the same if my ring cost $100 or $10,000.
p.s. my FI just purchased a $7000 motorcycle and no ill feelings here. Yes, he always said before he got the ring that he had to start saving up for it... and just 2 months later can drop money on a bike? Whatever- I'm thrilled. I get to plan a wedding and he has a brand new bike to keep him busy!! Plus, when the weather gets warmer, I get to go for some rides!
Let him know how you feel about finances and then drop it. Its not worth it.
You need to talk to him. Be honest or else you'll pent this up and it'll turn into resent. He needs to understand how you feel and where you stand. The ring obviously means a whole lot more to you then it does to him and he probably just doesn't get it.
@futureboo: Agreed.
I opened this thinking the OP meant an actual bicycle, not a vehicle.
a 1/2 carat and 3500? that doesn't make sense. i think he paid less than that
I just caught this. You're right. Thirty five hundred for a half carat definitely sounds fishy.
At the risk of sounding pushy, OP, I would go back to him and start a discussion on the yellow gold vs. white gold issue. You should NOT feel guilty about asking for the color of gold that you let him know about before he even went shopping. This was his mistake and he needs to fix it.
My DH gave me a yellow gold ring when he proposed.... I hadn't told him specifically I wanted white gold, but then he didn't ask me. I think I had mentioned a couple of times in the past that I liked white gold jewelry, but it wasn't a specific discussion we had, so I didn't fault him for not remembering that detail.
So when he gave me the yellow gold ring, I waited a couple of days and then asked him if we could switch it out for a white gold setting and it was no big deal.
I agree with the PP who said once you are in the jewelry store, drop a few hints about getting a bigger diamond. When I was ring shopping with my FI, I actually picked one with more diamonds than the original and he didn't complain. (LOL)
A guy who spends $6,000 on a motorcycle should not have a problem with spending a few hundred more, or even a thousand or two more, so that you can get the ring you want.
And unless your ring came from Harry Winston and is the most flawless and colorless half carat diamond to be found anywhere -- I would question that it really cost $3,500. Well, I might not say that directly to him, LOL. But I might put it this way: "Honey, I know $3,500 is a great deal of money and while this is a nice ring, I don't think it's a good value for that amount of money. I really think there might be better deals out there than this particular ring. For example, look at this one I found on XYZ website."
@Sweetie Pie 21: I was just going to say this!
OP, that really doesn't sound right.
@Juliepants: Just what I was going to say. My SO has always been admament that he wants to get me a high quality solitare even if it means sacraficing a little size. I sneaked a peek at some of the Blue Nile rings he's ooking at (heeheehee) and the one he has flagged as a possibility is 2,600 total with diamond and band, high grades on cut and clarity (ideal cut etc) and average on color. But it's a .8 carat diamond. Maybe with yours there's little stones around the bigger diamond that added to the cost and that you didn't calculate into the carat weight, but even then I'm still suspicious that he's not being upfront about the cost. Either that or he might have gotten ripped off :(
A bike is not a car! A car is a necessity, a bike isn't...i'd have a word with him! I mean let's be honest, it is the one time in a man's life where he will actually have to save up and put some thought into a piece of jewelry, putting his own/needs or wants behind him. Some may disagree, but even all of my bf's friends knows this. His own MOTHER made sure he was saving. You will be wearing the ring on your finger for life and it is a sign of his committment to you, to me this means his own personal toys are more important ESPECIALLY if he already has a car.
@Sweetie Pie 21: That was my first thought too! That was one expensive 1/2 carat!
Personally, I'd be a little more confused at his spending habits (a truck, a motorcycle, and a ring in a span of less than a month?). But then again, some people can afford that lifestyle...
I really dont have much to add here from what PP have said. I wouldn't judge a ring and a motorcycle the same way. There would be no way to get a working cycle for under 5K, so you're comparing a decent to low priced motorcycle with a (suspiciously) high priced ring.
My one request was no diamonds. I got diamonds. Ooops. Not a big deal in the long run. FI chopped it up to falling in love with it and thinking it was too "me" to pass it up. Maybe your SO had the same reaction? Either way, I think it is fair game to ask to change it since you are the one wearing it for the rest of your lives.
@allergicbee: I was only saying they are not really comparable. I would never compare my ring to another large purchase. Because an ering is a luxury. At what point is it right for us to do this? $3500 is still alot of money to spend on a ring, regardless of how much money you have IMO. If this were my situation & DH knew this is how I felt, he'd be devastated (and probably think I'm a brat). As I said, an ering isn't even a must anyway.
I will never advocate someone complaining about thier engagement ring being too small & that thier FI should have spent more, period, and that's all I have to add to this. Sorry I don't agree with the general opinion...
@rachgirl82: I totally agree.
I've been married twice before. First H: bought a £350 ring on credit. I picked, I was happy with it. This was back in 1987, but even so, I know if wasn't a lot to spend back then.
Second H, 2000: Point blank refused to buy ANY engagement ring. Said we couldn't afford one and it wasn't a priority. We ended up buying a ring that cost about £400 on holiday 4 years after we were married...but it came from our joint account so I paid for half.
Current FI, 2010: Had originally planned to do the whole 'proposal in Paris' deal (I'm half French). When the time came, I hadn't been working for over 6 months and the person we had been living with had ripped us off to the tune of about £3000 pounds. No trip to Paris, and a ring that cost £70. And then got mangled in a door about 3 weeks later when my hand got trapped. Not worth repairing. I've used about 3 rings since, each of which cost under £100. FI has made it clear that he would never spend over £500 on any ring.
I see an engagement ring as a gift. If you are lucky enough to get to pick it, great! Otherwise, you don't get to dictate the price, size, etc. It's a symbol, nothing else. And on a practical level, jewellery is a stupid thing to consider an investment. The minute you take that ring out of the jeweller's door, it's lost 3/4 of it's value. I was told that by a friend who worked in the industry when I was 18, and I've never forgotten it.
I don't know, a $6,000 motorcycle when you JUST bought a truck is damn sure a luxury item, too! I think the point is deeper than the OP just wanting a nicer ring...it's her FI's seemingly selfish priorities.
First of all, he didn't even listen to her most basic request, what color gold she prefers. That's kind of baffling if they had already discussed it prior to his ring shopping.
Second, it sounds to me like there's something fishy going on with the price he paid for the ring. $3500 sounds like a LOT to pay for a ring like the OP described. He either got ripped off, or is not exactly being honest about the price he paid. If he's lying, that's something that goes beyond the ring.
I think what's bothering the OP is not only did she not get the ring she really wanted (which, from what it sounds like, her FI *can* easily afford), but on top of that, I think she feels like it's more important to him to buy a new truck AND a new motorcyle in the span of a month than to put much thought, effort, and yes, cash into a ring that OP will theoretically wear forever. Also, if he is indeed lying about what he paid for the ring to begin with, that sends up red flags.
Honestly, I would be upset too. What would upset me is the that he didn't listen or seem to care what I wanted. Yes, everyone should just be happy that someone loves them enough to get them a ring etc. but if you said you wanted white gold and it was yellow either he didn't care enough to listen or he didn't care what you preferred. And if you offered to chip in for a stone that you really wanted, he should have let you if he didn't want to spend that much himself.
@futureboo: My ring cost $1800 and I love it. I love the man that gave it to me and I love the meaning/feeling behind it. I would say the same if my ring cost $100 or $10,000.
This is the thing, I think people need to stop making up comparisons with how much love there is vs the cost of the ring. I love the man that gave me my ring no matter if he gave me a $10 dollar ring or a $20k ring, BUT that doesnt mean I have to love the ring the all the same. The way I feel about my useless piece of jewelery IS going to differ based on the cost, but not because of what the price tag says, but because what I want may simply cost more.
@pinkshoes: EXACTLY. The man bought himself a $6000 bike. Could he have bought himself a $3000 bike? Probably, but he wanted a better quality bike for himself, when he could have in reality put himself aside and used that money towards his FI to buy a better quality ring. Of course he loves her nonetheless, doesn't mean she shouldn't be upset by his actions, after all the ring is supposed to be more symbolic and meaningful than the bike right? One would think for something so meaningful, something that will be on her finger for the rest of her life, her feeling towards the ring should dominate his feeling towards his bike and he should have put himself aside in the matter and instead of using whatever "leftovers" he had to buy the ring, used those leftovers to buy the bike.
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