Post # 1
Sorry if this question or something similar has been asked already, I haven’t found it!
My SO is so confusing!
He has said that THE reason we are not yet engaged is because of a lack of money.
Yet… he always seems to have something more important in mind .. like we needed a car – okay, then we needed a holiday as we were feeling overworked – okay, then it’s that we need to move into somewhere nicer – em okay, then it is that we need a new and bigger tv – which we don’t, and the list goes on.
It just seems like if I am to wait until we can afford it, the time will never come because we, according to him, always need something. He’s already hinting that we need a new and better car despite the fact that we’ve had ours about 4 months!
To make matters worse, his dear friend is a ring maker and we both know he could get a ring for a lot cheaper than it would cost at retail value… and yet no ring!
He really does say it is a money issue and that’s all. Once, he did say that he thought he and I wanted to wait until we could afford the entire wedding, but I told him that what is important to me is the symbol or sign (ring) that he wants to spend his life with me and that he truly loves me. I do know that the above (car, trip) etc and the fact that we live together symbolises that but I would like to have that moment that he asked me to be his wife to treasure forever. I would like to know he loves me as much as I love him for if it was tradition for the woman to propose I would have asked him forever ago.
So…. is he ‘buying’ time?!
Or, can I ask… how do I get him to understand that although he sees that the car, holidays and living together as his sign of an ultimate commitment, I don’t see it like that?
I’m afraid that ‘we practically are’ will be enough for him 🙁
Post # 3
Are you both saving for a wedding?
It sounds like getting married isn’t a priority to him.
I can understand that somethings things come up- but the fact that he is talking about replacing a new car, and planning holidays isn’t a necissity and shows where his priorities lie.
Post # 4
Thanks Dannielle89, that’s exactly my point!
He seems to think two main things – that he is already showing me and everyone else that he is committed to me by buying a car and booking a holiday and just by living with me – and that these things are more important than getting engaged anyway (money better spent), so how do I change or fix this ?!
Thanks in advance!
Post # 5
@dannielle89: “It sounds like getting married isn’t a priority to him.”
Post # 6
@Aoibhinn888: I would consider saying exactly what you have posted here, you could even just show him this thread. He may not even consider the car/trips/etc. related. I know my SO didn’t realise that I do connect major purchases with our engagement until I related my feelings about it to him. How much have you guys talked about it? Has it been in the heat of the moment or when you were both feeling a little more receptive? You sound well reasoned in this post, and if you have had a similar conversation with him already then I would consider setting a timeline on your own.
From one waiting bee to another that sucks, I really hope he sees that you are at the end of your rope with this! I think it’s worth talking about, but depending on his reaction I’m not sure what I would do.
Post # 7
@Aoibhinn888: Do you have any input on these plans? For example, when he was thinking about the vacation, could you have said something like, “Honey, I love the idea of taking a vacation with you, but I also know that we need money for taking the next step in our relationship. What would you think about going somewhere closer to home, saving about XXX amount, that we could use to purchase an inexpensive engagement ring?” (Similarly, with moving to a nicer place – maybe you could delay that a few months, thereby saving the extra rent $$ for those few months and putting that toward the ring?)
Good luck communicating with him about your financial priorities. It’s your relationship, too, and you deserve to have input on the path your lives are taking!
Post # 8
Agreed, getting married isn’t a priority. Have a frank conversation about it and how important it is to you , and that none if this other stuff shows you commitment whatsoever. If is a priority to you and still not important to him then I think you have some thinking to do…
Post # 9
@Aoibhinn888 Say what you’ve said here, and if it honestly looks like its a problem, then tell him. If you really think he is ‘the one’, then maybe you ask him about marriage, and is it ok and all. If you really think he is taking way too long to pop the question, how about you just have a discussion with him and ask ‘do you want to get married?’. Sure, it isn’t the most romantic way, and you don’t have a story to tell, but at least its better than regretting later on.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
When my Fiance and I discussed getting married, he suggested we put off our two week trip to the UK to help pay for it even though he really wanted to go to visit friends and family who live there. If he wants to make it happen, it will. If he doesn’t, he will keep finding excuses and honestly I would be a little concerned with his ability to manage finances if he is already looking at getting a new car after buying one four months ago.
Post # 11
Have an open conversation about his priorities, and whether he values marriage/why he is stalling?
Post # 12
I would have to say, he sounds like my Darling Husband. We already owned a home together and despite our talk that I didn’t want to live together/buy a place unless we were definitely getting engaged he went 2.5 years before proposing. !!! UGH! he would say stuff similar to your SO. Like “It’s just a piece of paper, we already live like a married couple”. It drove me nuts, but the thing is, he WAS secretly saving and planning. He just planned REALLY slow…LOL. So you never know. Maybe he is trying to save, just not as fast as you’d like him to.