He told me the proposal out of anger.. Where do I go from here? Please help me.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
795 posts
Busy bee

@anonysoon2bee:  Aww. He was stressed and he snapped, it is not your fault. Really, it might be best for it to be put off till Jan or Feb, because you need time to get over that little moment. Oh, and I would burn that dress, lol! 😉 

Post # 4
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m so sorry that this went so stressfully, considering how wonderful that proposal moment is supposed to be.

How long have the two of you been together? It seems very strange to me that someone would just cuss you out like that out of nowhere, especially over a moment that he is planning to ask you to be his WIFE and spend the rest of your life in a loving, commited relationship with him! Planning that kind of moment should make a person filled with *joy,* not give them the urge to lash out and put down the woman whom they profess to love enough to marry.

Also, why would you tell him you didn’t want him to propose this trip when you clearly still want the proposal? Don’t tell a guy to ‘forget about it’ if you want him to propose. Something like that is nerve-wracking enough without discouragement.

You should always say what you mean, and mean what you say.

I think both of you need to apologize and talk about and air out ALL the feelings going on here, openly and honestly.

Post # 5
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@anonysoon2bee:  awwww.  I’m sorry. It sounds like a huge misunderstanding. I would never tell you to leave him over this misunderstanding!  It sounds like the proposal was all worked out in his head and he put a lot if thought and effort into it. Proposing is stressful for our guys and when you weren’ falling in line to his plan he just lost it. Tell him you love him and you’re sorry for the misunderstanding (at least for your part and saying you wanted no part in it).  Let him know that he is what is important and that your future together us what matters. You will work it out as you both obviously love each other and want to spend your lives together. It’s a bump along the way. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
3960 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@anonysoon2bee:   Have you seen other instances of his jealousy/insecurity issues?  Do you think he regretted his words, or did he regret letting his rage show?  Does he have anger or trust issues?     I hope you can reassure him that the dress does not, in your mind, bear a lingering association with another man.    In any case I hope you and he can learn from this experience and communicate better in the future.  🙂

Post # 9
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@anonysoon2bee:  I guess I was confused by this part of your post:

It hurts to know he may wait till then now because I did say “Please forget about the proposal, I want nothing to do with any of this anymore.” Not meaning the relationship but the proposal.

It sounded like you didn’t really *want* him to wait until January or February, and you were afraid that that’s what was going to happen now because you told him to forget about the proposal.

Honestly I don’t think that the proposal has to be *totally* ruined. Lots of women knew when their FI’s were going to propose, and they still seem to think the proposal was pretty special. 🙂 If it bothers you, you could always request that he think of a new way to propose, and mention that you’d still be open to a proposal THIS trip. (Unless of course you aren’t and you really do want him to wait until January or February.)

Post # 10
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That’s a really disrespectful way to speak to someone you want to propose to. I don’t care what kind of bad day you’re having – that’s just not ok. Referring to you “banging a dude” is just gross. Why does he need to bring up your past? I know you said you don’t want “leave him” comments, but honestly that is what comes to mind. If he has issues with the fact you were with another man before him, he needs to deal with that. Throwing it in your face is unacceptable. The anger and foul language on top of it is unacceptable and immature.

I’m sorry you had this experience. If you decide to continue with this relationship, be sure to have a good, serious discussion with him. Where did this anger come from? Why did he take out his bad day on you? That’s not ok.

Post # 11
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Is there any way the two of you can move closer to each other before you get engaged? Long-distance relationships are hard. I feel like it’s difficult to truly get to know someone when you’re not in a position to see them several times a week. When you see each other rarely, I think both parties are always on their best behavior and the true person might not get the chance to come out. Even if you’ve never seen this type of behavior from him before, I’d be concerned. That is totally not a normal reaction to that situation. I’m sure this is not a popular opinion, but I wouldn’t commit my life to someone without living for awhile within easy driving distance of that person.

Post # 12
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@rachelmichelle:  

@anonysoon2bee:  I disagree that the time you’ve been together doesn’t matter. I think it does. I think some people don’t show their true colors until sometimes even a couple years into a relationship. Especially if the couple is not living together. Again, we don’t know the length of the relations or if you have lived together. It’s not a huge factor, but a factor nonetheless in just exactly how familiar you really are with someone. This certainly isn’t grounds to leave him or anything. However, I would certainly call it a red flag… Just simply based how it came “out of nowhere”, as well as it being in regards to something as special as a proposal. It sounds like he has some jealousy issues that may have flared up? I’d def want to communicate with him regarding that alone.

If I told my FI that I didn’t have the money to buy a dress (especially for that purpose), he would be insistent on buying me one himself. He doesn’t get a free pass because he is stressed. Sounds like either immaturity or some minor anger/jealousy issues to me. Could be just a fluke, but I personally would want to make 100% sure this wasn’t some other underlying issue before proceeding towards marriage.

Post # 13
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you have to talk about it. I think telling him to forget about the proposal was a little harsh. Maybe you don’t want THAT proposal, but telling him to forget it might be taken as you having no interest in a proposal. If thats not what you meant then I would tell him that. My DH was literally shaking when he proposed to me, its something a lot of guys really need to build up for, so hearing “forget it” is probably really discouraging. Just let him know that the moment is kind of ruined by him lashing out. Men get jealous and silly and honestly, while I don’t get him cussing you out, I do understand him probably not wanting you to wear a dress like that when he is about to propose to you.

I’d tell him that you do want to marry him (if you do, of course) but that you just don’t want the proposal tainted by this argument, so you would prefer him to do it in a different way.

Post # 14
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee

I just think he set himself up with really high expectations for the special night he was planning.  Top that with being super nervous.  He probably never even thought of that dress until you mentioned it and then the words were out before he even realized it.

Someone will have to make the first move if you want to get past this.  I think he should apologize first for his nasty remarks and then you should for the misunderstanding about not wanting the proposal now.  The only way to get beyond this is to talk.

I also agree, you need to burn that dress.  Maybe it can be the sacrificial dress burning ceremony to get you guys past it so he can try again!

Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@pinkksnow:  What? She needs to burn the dress so he can feel better? Should she purge her closet of anything she might have worn in the presence of another man? Completely ridiculous. If he is that insecure, he is not mature enough to consider marriage.

Post # 16
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee

@chercee:  Ease up there.  A dress is way less important than a relationship.  I wouldn’t want my guy proposing in a shirt from his ex either. 

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