Post # 1
I guess my boyfriend was planning a really fancy night for us this soon and I had no idea about any of it. He asked me today if I had a formal dress I can wear and I told him I have a pretty one from a few years back on new years when we had met. His knee jerk reaction was to freak out and tell me I needed to buy another dress because I had been sleeping with someone he knew back then and feels the dress is tainted because I was with him that night. I have worn the dress before that a few times and I don’t ever associate it with him and money is a little tight for me right now so I didnt want to buy a new one. I didnt even think we were fighting but I saw his temper flaring a little bit. He is genuinely a very calm, warm man but something about me once seeing this guy makes him freak.
All I said was “well I dont really have much money right now so I would rather just have a night in then waste money right now on a dress because you’re being silly”
He lost it at that point and said “I was going to f**** propose to you. I had the whole thing elaborately planned out which is why I didnt want you F***** wearing a dress you banged some dude in before”
I know he immediately regretted his words and the look on my face was probably sheer horror. I just hung up skype right away and he eventually texted me and said how sorry he was and so on etc and I know he genuinely is. I don’t want the “leave him” comments etc because he really doesnt talk to me badly or hurt me ever. We don’t ever fight.. I dont know how this even came to happen.
I feel like he just ruined the soon to be most important day in my life because he was angry at me over something so minor and silly. I would have bought a new damn dress…It wasn’t a big deal.. I just didn’t know he was that distraught.
What do I do now? I don’t know where to go from here? My heart is crushed and the proposal is ruined. I guess I also should add that we are long distance and I won’t be seeing him again until January or February after this next trip.. It hurts to know he may wait till then now because I did say “Please forget about the proposal, I want nothing to do with any of this anymore.” Not meaning the relationship but the proposal.
What do I do? I don’t think I have been this heartbroken before.
Post # 3
@anonysoon2bee: Aww. He was stressed and he snapped, it is not your fault. Really, it might be best for it to be put off till Jan or Feb, because you need time to get over that little moment. Oh, and I would burn that dress, lol! 😉
Post # 4
I’m so sorry that this went so stressfully, considering how wonderful that proposal moment is supposed to be.
How long have the two of you been together? It seems very strange to me that someone would just cuss you out like that out of nowhere, especially over a moment that he is planning to ask you to be his WIFE and spend the rest of your life in a loving, commited relationship with him! Planning that kind of moment should make a person filled with *joy,* not give them the urge to lash out and put down the woman whom they profess to love enough to marry.
Also, why would you tell him you didn’t want him to propose this trip when you clearly still want the proposal? Don’t tell a guy to ‘forget about it’ if you want him to propose. Something like that is nerve-wracking enough without discouragement.
You should always say what you mean, and mean what you say.
I think both of you need to apologize and talk about and air out ALL the feelings going on here, openly and honestly.
Post # 5
@anonysoon2bee: awwww. I’m sorry. It sounds like a huge misunderstanding. I would never tell you to leave him over this misunderstanding! It sounds like the proposal was all worked out in his head and he put a lot if thought and effort into it. Proposing is stressful for our guys and when you weren’ falling in line to his plan he just lost it. Tell him you love him and you’re sorry for the misunderstanding (at least for your part and saying you wanted no part in it). Let him know that he is what is important and that your future together us what matters. You will work it out as you both obviously love each other and want to spend your lives together. It’s a bump along the way. Good luck!
Post # 6
@anonysoon2bee: Have you seen other instances of his jealousy/insecurity issues? Do you think he regretted his words, or did he regret letting his rage show? Does he have anger or trust issues? I hope you can reassure him that the dress does not, in your mind, bear a lingering association with another man. In any case I hope you and he can learn from this experience and communicate better in the future. 🙂
Post # 7
@rachelmichelle: Long enough but I don’t think that matters. Yeah, I said that because I absolutely don’t want a crazy formal proposal now after that….who the heck would? I agree about lashing out.. I don’t know where it came from or why. I know he has had a very very terrible week. We both have actually so I think that just broke him. As for meaning what we say, we do exactly that. I said I want nothing to do with the proposal because exactly that… I want nothing to do with THAT proposal. I dont think airing it out or talking things out are going to help anything. If anything its just going to ruin the proposal more. Dont you agree?
@KatB442: Thank you and we both know that. I’m not angry with him and he isn’t angry with me.. Mostly I just feel like we broke this weekend. I just want to know how to put all this behind us.. I feel like everything is ruined now and that hurts so much.
Post # 8
@Astra: Nope, he is a very calm person. Yeah we have had fights in the past but he’s a saint really.. I know he genuinely is in pain that he pulled such a little boy move. Yeah, a hard lesson learned but who wants a proposal to be a lesson learned? 🙁
Post # 9
@anonysoon2bee: I guess I was confused by this part of your post:
It hurts to know he may wait till then now because I did say “Please forget about the proposal, I want nothing to do with any of this anymore.” Not meaning the relationship but the proposal.
It sounded like you didn’t really *want* him to wait until January or February, and you were afraid that that’s what was going to happen now because you told him to forget about the proposal.
Honestly I don’t think that the proposal has to be *totally* ruined. Lots of women knew when their FI’s were going to propose, and they still seem to think the proposal was pretty special. 🙂 If it bothers you, you could always request that he think of a new way to propose, and mention that you’d still be open to a proposal THIS trip. (Unless of course you aren’t and you really do want him to wait until January or February.)
Post # 10
That’s a really disrespectful way to speak to someone you want to propose to. I don’t care what kind of bad day you’re having – that’s just not ok. Referring to you “banging a dude” is just gross. Why does he need to bring up your past? I know you said you don’t want “leave him” comments, but honestly that is what comes to mind. If he has issues with the fact you were with another man before him, he needs to deal with that. Throwing it in your face is unacceptable. The anger and foul language on top of it is unacceptable and immature.
I’m sorry you had this experience. If you decide to continue with this relationship, be sure to have a good, serious discussion with him. Where did this anger come from? Why did he take out his bad day on you? That’s not ok.
Post # 11
Is there any way the two of you can move closer to each other before you get engaged? Long-distance relationships are hard. I feel like it’s difficult to truly get to know someone when you’re not in a position to see them several times a week. When you see each other rarely, I think both parties are always on their best behavior and the true person might not get the chance to come out. Even if you’ve never seen this type of behavior from him before, I’d be concerned. That is totally not a normal reaction to that situation. I’m sure this is not a popular opinion, but I wouldn’t commit my life to someone without living for awhile within easy driving distance of that person.
Post # 12
@anonysoon2bee: I disagree that the time you’ve been together doesn’t matter. I think it does. I think some people don’t show their true colors until sometimes even a couple years into a relationship. Especially if the couple is not living together. Again, we don’t know the length of the relations or if you have lived together. It’s not a huge factor, but a factor nonetheless in just exactly how familiar you really are with someone. This certainly isn’t grounds to leave him or anything. However, I would certainly call it a red flag… Just simply based how it came “out of nowhere”, as well as it being in regards to something as special as a proposal. It sounds like he has some jealousy issues that may have flared up? I’d def want to communicate with him regarding that alone.
If I told my FI that I didn’t have the money to buy a dress (especially for that purpose), he would be insistent on buying me one himself. He doesn’t get a free pass because he is stressed. Sounds like either immaturity or some minor anger/jealousy issues to me. Could be just a fluke, but I personally would want to make 100% sure this wasn’t some other underlying issue before proceeding towards marriage.
Post # 13
I think you have to talk about it. I think telling him to forget about the proposal was a little harsh. Maybe you don’t want THAT proposal, but telling him to forget it might be taken as you having no interest in a proposal. If thats not what you meant then I would tell him that. My DH was literally shaking when he proposed to me, its something a lot of guys really need to build up for, so hearing “forget it” is probably really discouraging. Just let him know that the moment is kind of ruined by him lashing out. Men get jealous and silly and honestly, while I don’t get him cussing you out, I do understand him probably not wanting you to wear a dress like that when he is about to propose to you.
I’d tell him that you do want to marry him (if you do, of course) but that you just don’t want the proposal tainted by this argument, so you would prefer him to do it in a different way.
Post # 14
I just think he set himself up with really high expectations for the special night he was planning. Top that with being super nervous. He probably never even thought of that dress until you mentioned it and then the words were out before he even realized it.
Someone will have to make the first move if you want to get past this. I think he should apologize first for his nasty remarks and then you should for the misunderstanding about not wanting the proposal now. The only way to get beyond this is to talk.
I also agree, you need to burn that dress. Maybe it can be the sacrificial dress burning ceremony to get you guys past it so he can try again!
Post # 15
@pinkksnow: What? She needs to burn the dress so he can feel better? Should she purge her closet of anything she might have worn in the presence of another man? Completely ridiculous. If he is that insecure, he is not mature enough to consider marriage.
Post # 16
@chercee: Ease up there. A dress is way less important than a relationship. I wouldn’t want my guy proposing in a shirt from his ex either.