He Used Online Sex Chats and Webcam

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MissStapler:  I have never been in that situation, but if he never met the women, nor knew who they were, I view  online mutual masturbation as a type of porn.

If he masturbated to a porn movie, would you be as upset?

Post # 4
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

I also have not been in such a situation. I too would be really upset if I found out my SO did this since it’s live online interaction. Are you sure it was one-on-one? I’ve heard of those chatroom like videos where a bunch of guys watch a woman mess around with herself and tell her what to do…Not that it’s much of a difference.

Do you feel like he cheated? Is that what’s bothering you?

I think you need to take some time to yourself. Let yourself cry, be upset. Get it all out. Spend some time away from your SO and figure out what you don’t like about what he did and why it’s bothering you. Also ask yourself if you can get over it and be with him.

Keep in mind that while it was a webcam, it’s not like he met up with a woman and cheated with her in real life. Sure, some bees may feel it’s splitting hairs, but there are degrees of bad w/ these sorts of things.

Post # 5
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m glad that he admitted it, and I’m glad that it happened only three times… And I know it sounds like it sucks. (Never happened to me so I cannot relate.)

 

at the same time… These porn chats are advertised on porn sites as being porn. Not that it excuses his actions, but in the heat of things, he was led astray by a multi billion dollar industry aNd their marketing.

if you can work through the inevitable emotions and trust issues – counselling may help – you might be able to make this work.

 

Post # 6
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I would be extremely upset. I have troubly trusting, and having someone hide something so big from me for 3 years would be an automatic dealbreaker. I also don’t view that as “porn” and I’m not prudish at all. I watch porn and my fiance doesn’t, but we’d both qualify something like that as cheating. 

Post # 7
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

MissStapler:  I understand you’re hurt, but this would not be a deal breaker for me. I caught my FI doing almost exactly the same thing, while he was doing it (I don’t mean in the act, I just mean while it was still ongoing) shortly after we became bf/gf. I was naturally upset, hurt. I freaked out at him. He promised to stop. He didn’t. I caught him again within a month. I broke up with him. He realized what a jerk he was, he stopped and we got back together and I got over it.

Yes, it’s wrong, disrespectful to you, but it’s not on the same level with actually having sex with another woman. I think your man probably felt like my man did, that your relationship was not that serious (back then). But then, once he realized his feelings and your feelings he stopped. It was a turning point and it happened 3 years ago. 

My FI (who will be my husband in 8 days) had to work really hard to regain my trust. I have all his passwords for everything from FB to email and any other password I ask for. I can check up on him any time I want because he knew he had to prove that he wasn’t doing anything anymore. At first I checked up on him multiple times a day (which was 2 years ago). Now I rarely ever do because in the time since then I have never once caught doing anything inappropriate.

Post # 8
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hi, I don’t blame you for being really upset but I also don’t think it’s worth throwing in the towel. I would highly recommend some couple therapy to help gain back trust.

Post # 9
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

MissStapler:  I have never had to deal with this issue but I have some thoughts. 

I imagine that this is very devastating for you to find out. It is a very good sign that he told you the truth, even if it was a few years after it all happened. Most people who have chronic problems with this type of behavior do not admit it at all and have other issues as well. 

He sounds like an overall nice guy (is he?). If you are having a hard time about this, but want to work through it, I want to encourage you to try couple’s counseling. If that doesn’t appeal to you, it could help for you to talk to someone on your own, whether a friend, a parent, a religious leader, a mentor, a sibling, someone you feel you can trust.

It’s okay to be upset right now. It’s okay to feel like your trust was broken (or to not feel that way too). It’s okay to take some time to find your bearings and figure out what you want to do. 

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it matters what you think about this. And it might take some time for you to decide what you think. 

Post # 10
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

MissStapler:  While I’m okay with porn, I think it would be different if it was a webcam or chat shared 1 on 1 with him and another woman. I know some might not find this different than viewing porn, but I do. Porn is somewhat “removed” where chatting or webcam is exclusive to individuals. I’m just not down with that, it is too much like cheating…it is cheating. I don’t think I would be okay with moving forward in the realationship. 

Post # 11
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

Mircat:  +1. I’d consider it cheating, too. Once it crosses the line into interactive, that’s not okay. 

Post # 12
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

MissStapler:  Never been in this situation. 

I imagine upon first hearing the news, I’d be temporarily devastated– feeling perhaps like I wasn’t “good enough”– but as you’ve mentioned, you were having personal issues.

You asked a question– and he was honest.  So that’s the good news.

His “explanation” sounds realistic and believable– I doubt that he persued these online woman in any way except for masturbation purposes.

It doesn’t sounds as though this type of thing has been a long-standing issue in your relationship- so as long as you think you can forgive him–  and what I mean by that is– you need to make sure you aren’t going to harbor any resentment towards him if you guys decide to move past this.  A lof of woman run into issues of the similar type and think they have forgiven him, only to have it linger and then then come again and again and again.  They don’t *truly* forgive and forget.  They temporaily forget until it comes up again.

 

I guess I’d want to have a talk to him and ask him what he’s going to do in the future if you have another personal issue that may affect sex temporarily or something of the like.  I’d want to know how a situation like 3 years ago (no sex) would be handled in the future.

Post # 13
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This would be a deal breaker for me. I see any sexual relationship with another woman, whether their emotions are involved or not, as cheating. She was live. It wasn’t pre-recorded. She found sexual pleasure in him. Porn is different because both parties are not being sexually pleasure by each other. This is worse to me, than him sexting someone. You’re not overreacting if you dump him. Usually, in what I’ve seen, if a guy can have cybersex, he can have real sex. Dump this guy before you have to go through a huge, miserable divorce.

EDIT: and, in fact, when my FI and I were long distance for a while, we “had sex” on facetime. We counted it as sex because it was the most sexual thing we could do with each other while being apart. So, yes. It is cheating.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Coventina.
Post # 14
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This would devastate me. Objectively, I can say that this should not prevent the two of you from having a happy life together. Yes, it’s a form of cheating to me, but he stopped himself without having to get caught and offered up what sounds like truth to you. Personally, if my FI had done something like this, I would prefer not to know. Unfortunately, now you are aware of it.

Post # 15
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

MissStapler:  I’ve been cheated on. It’s the same. My answer is: Nope. Done. I’d let him go because WTF???

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  coffeedrinker.
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